Michael199 Posted August 17, 2003 Posted August 17, 2003 I hope I find some good advice on my problem which I was unable to solve. Here it goes: My wife and I have totally no problems when it comes to the relation between us (together 3 years, married 1 year, our age 30). We are treating and caring for each other very much and kindly. However, my wife says that the problems start when we are interacting with other people. She says I am not protecting her and giving her enough support like a husband would do. Especially when it come to my parents as they hate my wife and the other way around since the engagement. I am trying to bring them together but it doesn't work out at all. Which brings me into a bad situation as I love my wife but of course my parents too. I feel whatever i do is making either side upset. But of course I care more about my wife being happy and us having a relationship without problems. A couple of weeks ago my mom made a comment to my wife why she is not talking to them, which made my wife angry as everybody knows why. Additionally my wife was blaming me that I did not respond to my mom immediately and let her walk away without a comment. A day later they met again (as I was in hospital then) and my wife responded to my mom that it was inappropriate what she said the day before. My mom got upset and told me why I am not protecting her. I love my wife and my mom of course, but I thought I stay neutral which did not help either, as my wife got upset why I did not support her. She was even that upset that she told me that she wants a divorce. However, she cooled down a couple days later and saying now that she is better now but nevertheless wants to see if I can give her what I promised the days after she got upset (trust, belief, support) in order to continue the marriage. My wife has a very strong character but nevertheless I think she needs also the trust, belief and support from her husband. At least this is what I am hearing from her all the time. Otherwise, she is telling me that she can't continue her life with me, which I don't want of course. Additionally, she is telling me that her love towards me got really damaged. I guess this is my last chance to change my behaviour and to give her trust, support, etc.? But how can I show her this? And what about the problems with her and my parents? No attempt brought them closer. Should I cut them out of our lives? Should I tell them clearly how far they can go with saying things to my wife, otherwise I get upset with them? The thing is I want to keep a good relation with my parents too, even though they don't want to see my wife or vice versa. What do you think? Stop being neutral? Hurt people (my parents) in order to show my wife the support etc.? All, please give me some good advice on this. Thanks Michael
moimeme Posted August 17, 2003 Posted August 17, 2003 Your first duty is to your wife now. It is unfortunate that she and your parents do not get along, but it sounds like this situation won't be fixed in the near future. Now what you need to do is negotiate with your wife to see how you can honour her wishes and still see your parents. Would she agree to you having dinner with them once in a while while she goes out with friends, for instance? I hope your wife will at least agree that you do need to spend time with your parents. You also need to defend her to your parents and stand up for her. That is your job now. If your parents don't want you to defend your wife, then they don't understand that you are no longer their baby but the man in another family. Would your father stand for his parents being mean to your mom? I bet not. Have a talk with him, if you can, and ask him to speak to your mom on your behalf as well. Bottom line: sometimes people do have to reduce their contact with their parents if the parents interfere in their lives too much. Unfortunate, but true.
Michael199 Posted August 18, 2003 Posted August 18, 2003 How can I show my wife that I support her in any way and that she has trust and believe in me again that i don't let her down when she needs me as a husband? I guess I see her more as an indiviual which can stand for herself and defend herself than my wife which I have to protect and support. But is this wrong? Do I have to protect her let's say like a child? Is this required from a "proper" husband?
moimeme Posted August 18, 2003 Posted August 18, 2003 Do I have to protect her let's say like a child? You don't get it. I'm sure your wife can stand up for herself in plenty of issues, but a family dynamic is something quite different. You and your family are like a team - she's the new person coming into an established group whose loyalties are already very strong. If you people behave as though she's an intruder into the family dynamic, then she feels excluded. She can't stand up for herself in that sort of situation, nor ought she to. If you side with them, or don't stop them, that makes your wife the 'outsider' against an established group. You are the one who has brought this 'intruder' into the team and therefore it is your job to NOT choose 'team' loyalty over your loyalty to her and it is your job to keep the 'team' from ganging up on her, treating her badly, etc. Think of bringing your gf to a frat and the guys all start being mean to her. Would you just stand there and let her be hurt and do nothing to help her? Would you worry that the frat would exclude you if you defend her so you just chicken out and leave her alone against the group? I would hope not. I would hope you would tell your pals to stand down, shut up, and respect your girl and not leave her to manage for herself. Then she would know that you are for sure loyal to her and that nobody else comes first in your life.
Oxydol Posted August 21, 2003 Posted August 21, 2003 The next time your mother begins to criticize your wife, simply say to her, "Mama, you are talking to/about my wife, the woman I have chosen to be my life mate. If you cannot bring yourself to respect MY choice and be civil to her, then I will have to reevaluate my relationship with you." If you are accused of taking sides, explain instead that you are giving her the option of what she wishes to do. If your mother decides to turn away from you, then so be it. That is her decision. And any mother who willingly chooses her hatred of another over the love for her son, should never have become a parent in the first place. If your mother begins to calm down, hopefully your wife will do the same and a certain degree of peace will exist. In a situation like this, being neutral is impossible. You might be torn between the two factions, but your first responsiblity is to your wife. And I've no doubt she'll be much more secure once she knows that you have found your backbone.
Michael199 Posted September 28, 2003 Posted September 28, 2003 I was able to cool things down with my wife and she believes now that i am on her side and taking care of her. But I am sure that this still needs more time for her to see that I am able and truly want to do that. However, the problem is now with my parents!! As I am taking another job in another country, they are pressing hard now to solve things between them and my wife. But in one way only: that she has to apologise and run after them in a way!! They mentioned even that it would have been better if we would not have come together in the first place and that I brought a devil into the family and she just needed one year to destroy everything. The thing what they are scared of or what they want is the following: As I am leaving the country, I guess they want to be able to visit me in my new house and stay there during visits (they would not accept a hotel). But of course under this circumstances this will not be possible as my parents and my wife still have issues, and I will not let them live under one roof (even not for one day), unless all issues would have been resolved. The problem that i have is that my parents and my wife might never like each other ever. But I love both and don't want to loose anyone. Does anyone have a solution? Or is there only one solution: choose one side?!
ilovemybabies Posted September 28, 2003 Posted September 28, 2003 When you marry, your parents become merely extended family. Your wife is your TOP priority. If your parents cannot behave themselves and respect your wife, you have no choice but to cut them off. Your wife comes FIRST. If you do not want to risk losing your marriage, grow a spine and tell your parents that your wife is NOT going to apologize for anything, and that if they cannot treat her with respect as is due your wife, then they can stay away. Loving your parents has nothing to do with it. You can love people all you want. But your parents are hateful toward your wife, you even stated as much. So, you have a choice to make. It is being with your wife, whom you chose and whom (I am guessing) you promised to love and cherish above ALL others. You have to be a man about this. Of course, it will take time for your wife to trust you. After all, you didn't protect her like you should have and didn't take her side in things, like you should have. My DH has done the same. I told him if he wants a divorce, keep on ignoring my feelings. So far, so good. Your parents need to suck it up and be nice.
ilovemybabies Posted September 28, 2003 Posted September 28, 2003 Originally posted by Michael199 I was able to cool things down with my wife and she believes now that i am on her side and taking care of her. But I am sure that this still needs more time for her to see that I am able and truly want to do that. However, the problem is now with my parents!! As I am taking another job in another country, they are pressing hard now to solve things between them and my wife. But in one way only: that she has to apologise and run after them in a way!! They mentioned even that it would have been better if we would not have come together in the first place and that I brought a devil into the family and she just needed one year to destroy everything. The thing what they are scared of or what they want is the following: As I am leaving the country, I guess they want to be able to visit me in my new house and stay there during visits (they would not accept a hotel). But of course under this circumstances this will not be possible as my parents and my wife still have issues, and I will not let them live under one roof (even not for one day), unless all issues would have been resolved. The problem that i have is that my parents and my wife might never like each other ever. But I love both and don't want to loose anyone. Does anyone have a solution? Or is there only one solution: choose one side?! Your parents are being unreasonable. I would tell them that you will miss them and since they won't accept a hotel, you will have to see them some other time and in another place.
ilovemybabies Posted September 28, 2003 Posted September 28, 2003 Originally posted by Michael199 How can I show my wife that I support her in any way and that she has trust and believe in me again that i don't let her down when she needs me as a husband? I guess I see her more as an indiviual which can stand for herself and defend herself than my wife which I have to protect and support. But is this wrong? Do I have to protect her let's say like a child? Is this required from a "proper" husband? When it comes to your faaaamily and your wife, you need to let your family know that this is YOUR wife, YOU love her and you will no longer tolerate any backbiting and rudeness from them toward her. To have her fend for herself while you stand by wringing your hands like ''oh what EVER can I do?" makes you look weak in her eyes. Stand up for your wife, dude!
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