Not sure whether to be flattered or offended...!

[SilkLeaves]

I was recently speaking to my good friend (who I'm interested in). It was just the two of us. A girl walked past which he vaguely knew, and he cringingly told me how once he had made out with her. I was shocked at first, but then I remembered how he seems to have kissed most of the female vague-friends that he's come across. Which got me thinking - why has he never kissed me? Apart from on the cheek. Wouldn't something have happened between us already as he is so comfortable with kissing female friends? He never has any intention of going out with these girls and it never goes beyond kissing. I don't think he is even attracted to the vast majority of them, and I've heard that these things happen when he is drunk.

 

The thing is, I've never seen him drunk. He actively makes sure I am never there at any event when he may behave like a bit of a rebel. I asked him about why he does this and he said that he 'wants to protect me' and 'doesn't want me to see what he can be like.' But then I'm like - should I be flattered that he wants to protect me or insulted that he excludes me?! This whole thing left me feeling a bit inadequate and unattractive. Does he just have more respect for me than the other girls or should I just put a paperbag over my head and hide, as he isn't attracted to me?

 

Feeling a bit oversensitive, I would appreciate a more rational outlook than my own .

 

Thanks in advance.

[Ronni_W]

I'd probably be more flattered and not at all insulted. But not too flattered, either.

My take would be that he is seeing me on some 'higher' level than those others -- smarter, more self-respect, more dignified, classier, whatever -- not on a pedestal, I don't mean. But still using his self-made perceptions of me, to make decisions about who/what I am. I dislike when guys do that to me. (Don't decide who I am, and what I may or may not like, without my input, please and thank you.)

 

Plus. Hopefully I'd also realize that I have no interest in a guy who knows that I wouldn't be interested in him when he acts "what he can be like." If HE acknowledges a need/want to protect me from that, I'd best make sure I am protecting myself from it.

[SilkLeaves]

Thanks, I hear what you're saying. It seems like, even though I could make a list about what's wrong with him, my mind is still going 'I really don't give a sh*t about anything on that list!' That's really rare for me, as I'm always picking things apart and finding things which put me off entirely with other guys who have been interested. I really feel too strongly to care deep down, but little things like what I mentioned in my first post do tend to hurt me .

[RMan3]

I think I might be more concerned with him saying he doesn't want you seeing him as he really is. How can that be good? I would want to see how he really is. Seeing him as he really is might make all the other questions not important.

[SilkLeaves]

I think I might be more concerned with him saying he doesn't want you seeing him as he really is. How can that be good? I would want to see how he really is. Seeing him as he really is might make all the other questions not important.

 

I haven't seen him like this but I have heard that he becomes angry and upset at the dad he's never met, and sometimes gets agressive towards our other male friends who try and calm him down.

[Ronni_W]

even though I could make a list about what's wrong with him, my mind is still going 'I really don't give a sh*t about anything on that list!'

Ignore my first post. Here's my "real" answer...

 

I'd feel flattered like crazy! He obviously wants me to see him in a positive light, and I'd take that as a clear sign that he holds me in high regard. Therefore, to him, I am very special, attractive, and more than adequate.

 

 

Cos seriously...if your mind is telling you what it's telling you, you may as well feel GOOD about yourself or about him, right? What would be the point of trying to feel unattractive and inadequate? To me, that would just mess up all the, er, really tingly and delightful sensations of there being someone, and being with that someone, where that list just so don't matter at all!

 

Have fun...enjoy the tingles...take care of your Heart...(you know the drill, yes?)

[jen's mind]

I find many of Ronni_W's replies to be right on target, but I disagree with her here.

 

Like RMan3, I'm struck by the fact that he wants to hide himself and his behavior from you. I wouldn't take that as a sign of respect. I'd see it as a large and noticeably flapping red flag.

 

What's his motivation in telling you that he made out with the other girl?

 

You're trying to be more than friends, but it seems like your friendship alone is a bit undefined.

 

I personally wouldn't be thinking about a relationship with someone who tells me openly that they are excluding me from certain aspects of their lives, particularly when their rationale for doing so involves not wanting me to know who they really are. At the least, it's immature. At the worst, it's creepy.

[Ronni_W]

I find many of Ronni_W's replies to be right on target' date=' but I disagree with her here.[/quote']

Jen, the reason I posted a second (different) response is cos of my own experience with the futility of trying to fight it when the heart (and other body parts) are just yelling to go for it...despite one's logic and reason that to go for it will prove a rocky road.

 

My sense is that Silk already knows the path that'll lead to her overall sense of peace and tranquility. But her heart and other body parts are strongly objecting, is what it seems. And they usually end up winning out. So I may as well support her in what her Heart truly wants, right now. (Then later on, we'll get together and say, "Yeah, we knew that was a dumb idea." And we'll sigh and say, "But, boy, what a fun ride, huh?")

[jen's mind]

I'd rather encourage her in feeling attractive and adequate on her own than in the eyes of someone who willfully deceives her and seeks to manipulate what she knows about him.

 

My sense is that Silk already knows the path that'll lead to her overall sense of peace and tranquility. But her heart and other body parts are strongly objecting, is what it seems. And they usually end up winning out. So I may as well support her in what her Heart truly wants, right now. (Then later on, we'll get together and say, "Yeah, we knew that was a dumb idea." And we'll sigh and say, "But, boy, what a fun ride, huh?")

Please don't do me any such favors. If I'm heading for Niagara Falls in a rubber raft, I'd much prefer someone throw me a rope (heck, hit me over the head with it, even strangle me with it) than let me go over the edge with a promise of "We'll talk about how crazy this experience is when you emerge from it. Meanwhile, have a nice trip."

[Ronni_W]

If I'm heading for Niagara Falls in a rubber raft' date=' I'd much prefer someone throw me a rope[/quote']

Are you kidding? I'd jump in after, to save you! With a rope tied around my waist, of course -- I'd not put lives at risk.

 

I totally get what you're saying, though. There is a preferred way to go, and it might just be best to take it.

[SilkLeaves]

Yeah, I get what you're both saying. I really have tried everything to snap myself out of it, and thought I had at one point. Short of banging my head repeatedly against a wall, I don't honestly see any other way to resist it. When I've had things like this in the past time away from the person in question usually helps, but I've tried that, and it just made me want to see the him more, and I got cranky with everyone. It's not obsession - I don't think that he put the sun in the sky or anything ridiculous . It is very out of control, and very shaming .

[Ronni_W]

It is very out of control, and very shaming .

Hhmmm...now to me, THAT is more like taking a raft over the Falls -- so now my brain wants me to bring my rope...if you know what I mean?

Cos, if you're gonna feel even the smallest bit crappy about it before, during and/or after the fact, then...well, who needs that?

 

Can you hold off on doing anything, er, irreversible, until you're sure it won't make you feel crappy about yourself in any way? If so, that's what I'd suggest. But I do know how difficult that can be, under the circumstances that I'm interpreting.

 

Hugs and good luck.