Am I too "damaged"?

[Inflikted]

*Sigh* This post is partly to vent, because I want to get this stuff off my mind, and this helps. Having said that, this is also probably going to get pretty lengthy, then. But I'm also looking for insight, for help, because I think I'm heading down a bad road when it comes to my dating life, and I have no clue how to get things on the right track. I have many social issues, and a whole lot of confidence issues, and I know what caused many of them, but I don't know how to fix them... I'm 19 (20 in a few months), and I've never been in a relationship, never been on a date, never even flirted with a girl. I don't want to be that way...

 

Let's start with an easy issue I have. Well, easy to explain, I should say. I lack confidence in myself. One reason is because of my height. I'm 5'2", *maybe* 5'3", and that makes it SUPER hard to be noticed, especially considering most girls I meet are at least a little bit taller than I am. Now, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind dating a taller girl; in fact, I kinda like the idea. But from all that I've heard, height is a big thing for many many girls, and dating a guy shorter than oneself is a big no-no. :/ I've also had two women in the past year (note: these weren't women I was interested in, just people I'd met in passing; they had to be at least twice my age, anyway) mistake me for being under the age of 12. Whether that's my height talking, or not, I don't like that... I mean, I'm not immature like a child in any way... I guess maybe my face looks a little younger, but I wouldn't guess any less than 17 or 18. But under 12?! Now I can't help but wonder if all girls see me that way... What 20 year old girl wants to date a "12 year old boy"?

 

Another issue is my shyness. The thing is, I find it extremely hard to open up to people. BUT! There is a good reason for that. See, back when I was in high school, in freshmen year, I befriended a group of guys that seemed pretty fun to hang around with. But after a few months, they suddenly turned on me. They insulted me and did anything they could to humiliate me, which bruised my ego enough... At lunch time, they'd throw food and garbage at me, etc. Eventually, they even enlisted a big guy from the football team to push me around (and considering I'm not a big guy myself, you can see how fair that was...). I couldn't even go to any of the teachers or other workers at the school, because all they would do is scold the group, and that would only piss them off more. What's worse is, when I tried to break away from them, I couldn't befriend anyone else, because everyone else thought they'd become targets by association... I was always unfortunate to end up in the same classes and lunch period. This went on for FOUR YEARS. It was torture, it was hell. Even though I've been out of high school for a whole year, I still haven't recovered from that, and sometimes I wonder if I ever will. Rarely do I ever open up and be myself around people (except for family) anymore, because I just can't bring myself to "trust" people. I don't even really have "friends" the way most people do. I mean, I kinda have "work" friends at my job, but they're not people I could keep up with outside of work.

 

The last problem I have (and to be honest, this one scares me) is, I... just never really feel anything for girls that I meet. I don't think I'm too bad around girls in general, but I never feel anything more than friendship for them, nor have they felt anything for me (to my knowledge, anyway). I've had a few little "crushes" on some girls here and there, but they were simple little things that I didn't think were strong enough to pursue. Now, there IS one girl that I've known since we were kids that I DO feel very strongly for. In fact, I'd even go as far to say that I love her, simply because I've felt "crushes" before, and this just feels like so much more than that.

 

But, there are, of course, problems that stop me from pursuing this girl. For one, she goes to a different college than me, one that's a little bit of a drive. Also, it's been a few years since we've seen each other in person; earlier this year, I stumbled on her MySpace page, and started messaging her. She seemed to enjoy writing to me. The thing that's really stopping me from pushing for more with her is, well, she's a little bit taller than me. Again, not a problem for me, but having seen pics of some of her exes on her MySpace, they've all been a lot taller than her. So, I assume I'm automatically out of the running, as I can't compete with that. Right now, things are pretty awkward between us because of the last couple of messages I wrote her... Possibly even pretty messed up; I'm hoping it's not that serious, though, as even though my height would stop her from dating me, there's still part of me that really hopes maybe I can salvage this and eventually have a relationship with her.

 

So, I dunno... I really dislike being the shy, quiet, friendless, single person I am, but I just don't know how to undo all the damage I've taken over these years. Maybe I'm too damaged? I don't know. It's hard to even motivate myself to make changes in my life, because in my mind, I don't have the same odds are other people. In my mind, I don't have the 50/ 50 shot at failure or success that most people have; I've convinced myself that I only have the one option, and it ain't success... It's just so overwhelming. :/ Well, thanks to those of you who read this, especially to those who may offer some advice or words of wisdom, or something.

[cybersister]

No-one is too damaged- we are all works in progress.

I would suggest counselling for your shyness and issues with trust.

Short guys can be very cute.

[cybersister]

in fact I would go further- tell us five things you have achieved that you are proud of; five things you like about yourself; five qualities your family would say you have; five things you are grateful for.

Then you can vent some more if you want

[Inflikted]

in fact I would go further- tell us five things you have achieved that you are proud of; five things you like about yourself; five qualities your family would say you have; five things you are grateful for.

Then you can vent some more if you want

 

Hah, yeah, I dunno... I don't think I've "achieved" very much in my life, yet, so I can't really think of much there... As for qualities I have, well, let me put it this way; I think I have a really great personality. Many in my family would probably agree with that, too. I just have problems letting it out around other people, for fear I'll end up getting hurt again. :/

[Ronni_W]

I don't think I've "achieved" very much in my life, ... I think I have a really great personality.

Cybersister asked very important questions that usually get most people stumped the first time they consider it. We always look for these "HUGE" accomplishments to want to put down.

 

But 'achievement' is also acting the way you want to, or NOT doing something that you don't want to. So, you may have hundreds of achievements of kindness, or saying no to drugs, or not being mean even when your first reaction was to do that (or whatever.) Plus you seem to have gotten the hang of typing and posting to a forum, yes?

 

Most of us achieved learning how to walk and talk ~ VERY challenging at the age at which we did it, too! Nevermind read and write, and ride a bike. These ARE part of our life's achievements even if they sound a bit retarded at this stage of our development. So...you HAVE accomplished quite a bit in your life, already, yes? (If you put it into context of your age and mental/emotional development at the time you were successful.)

 

What makes for your great personality? Humour? Compassion? Respectful? Inspiring? Supportive? Objective? Honest? Fair? Intelligent? Insightful? Fun-loving? Easy-going? Organized?

 

Trust issues are a different matter that, of course, you'll need to work out separately ~ which you'll be able to do, no prob, once you get to it.

 

But as Cybersis suggests, it is a good idea to start by getting clear on who YOU are, what are your strengths and skills, etc. As well as who do you want to be...what do you want to have and experience in Life?

 

Is there anything for which you are grateful? And, what is important to you? (What matters, what do you value?)

[High Plains Drifter]

Another issue is my shyness. The thing is, I find it extremely hard to open up to people.

 

The last problem I have (and to be honest, this one scares me) is, I... just never really feel anything for girls that I meet.

 

But, there are, of course, problems that stop me from pursuing this girl. ... ..

..... I've convinced myself that I only have the one option, and it ain't success... It's just so overwhelming. :/ Well, thanks to those of you who read this, especially to those who may offer some advice or words of wisdom, or something.

 

 

You're shy, but you can write a 500 word essay about it.

 

You never really "feel anything for girls that you meet," yet, you wanna "pursue this girl"

 

I think you should get a puppy.

[Inflikted]

You're shy, but you can write a 500 word essay about it.

 

You never really "feel anything for girls that you meet," yet, you wanna "pursue this girl"

 

I think you should get a puppy.

 

:/ Well, I'm a lot more comfortable talking about my problems on forums like these, because of the anonymity. Besides, I want to solve my problems, and I just don't know how to do it on my own, so I like hearing peoples' tips and advice, and insight. That and, well, it helps settle me down to actually write out my feelings and thoughts.

 

And what's so weird about me liking one specific girl and having a hard time connecting with other girls? What I was implying is, this specific girl is the one girl I've met in my almost twenty years of life that I actually DO feel something for. It's just sad that I'm letting the one girl I care about slip away... I'll admit, that is partly my fault, because of my confidence and shyness issues, but at the same time, the situation between her and I right now is really... complicated. I don't know how to work things out, with her. Hell, I worry that it CAN'T be worked out...

 

Cybersister asked very important questions that usually get most people stumped the first time they consider it. We always look for these "HUGE" accomplishments to want to put down.

 

But 'achievement' is also acting the way you want to, or NOT doing something that you don't want to. So, you may have hundreds of achievements of kindness, or saying no to drugs, or not being mean even when your first reaction was to do that (or whatever.) Plus you seem to have gotten the hang of typing and posting to a forum, yes?

 

Most of us achieved learning how to walk and talk ~ VERY challenging at the age at which we did it, too! Nevermind read and write, and ride a bike. These ARE part of our life's achievements even if they sound a bit retarded at this stage of our development. So...you HAVE accomplished quite a bit in your life, already, yes? (If you put it into context of your age and mental/emotional development at the time you were successful.)

 

Heh, I guess you have a point, there. Still, it's hard to feel "proud" of accomplishing something so basic that most people usually accomplish, yanno what I mean?

 

What makes for your great personality? Humour? Compassion? Respectful? Inspiring? Supportive? Objective? Honest? Fair? Intelligent? Insightful? Fun-loving? Easy-going? Organized?

 

Well, shyness aside, this is how I would describe my "true" personality, the way I am at heart (which, I kinda feel weird for writing, because I feel like I'm bragging about myself, or something...). I love humor; in my mind, I constantly look for humor throughout the day, and, when I'm around people I'm comfortable enough around to open up to, I joke around, tease in a harmless, playful little way, etc. I also consider myself to be the "hopeless romantic" type, deep down, so yeah, I'd say I'm compassionate, supportive, respectful, loving, affectionate, etc. I'm not the best conversationalist, but I think I'm a good listener. I consider myself to be intelligent, and fairly mature for my age. And, while I can be pretty lazy and prefer NOT to do a lot of work around the house (lol), I think I can be semi-handy to have around; I can even cook a little bit! Heh heh, it always seems like girls like a guy who can cook, but it's not something you could really go up to a girl and say, and have her melt for you, heh... Anyway, I also know for a fact that, deep down (deep DEEP down), I do have a very playful/ flirtacious side, I'm just not so good with letting it out. Well, that and, like I said, I haven't met many girls I WANT to let that side of me out on.

 

But as Cybersis suggests, it is a good idea to start by getting clear on who YOU are, what are your strengths and skills, etc. As well as who do you want to be...what do you want to have and experience in Life?

 

Yanno, my goals in life are pretty basic. If I could meet a nice girl, get her to see past my shortcomings, settle down, and maybe even start a family some day, I'll be happy. That's pretty much it. For some reason, I'm not a very career-minded person; I mean, I'm going to school, and I want to be able to have a good job (so that I could, yanno, actually support a future family), but I'm just not "passionate" about it. To a point, it almost feels like I'm just going along with the motions.

 

Is there anything for which you are grateful? And, what is important to you? (What matters, what do you value?)

 

I dunno, just basic stuff, really. Family, shelter, life in general.

[ed-205]

Inflikted, you got some good advice here. No one is damaged beyond repair as long as they remember three basic rules:

1.Pick yourself up

2. Dust yourself off

3. start all over again.

 

I would carry the "5 good things" exercise a step further. Make a +/- list. Under the + side, write down everything you like about yourself, and under the - side, everything you don't like about yourself. This will show you what you need to work on (-'s), and the tools you have to work on them with (+'s).

Let's say you want to work on your shyness (a -), and the tools you have are humor, compassion, good listener, and intelligence (all +'s). Already, the odds are in your favor!

The best way to overcome shyness is to try to start a conversation with a complete stranger every day, and use the + tools to your advantage. You will find that being a stunning, witty conversationalist isn't nearly as important as being a good listener. Don't worry about what you're going to say to them, but let them talk to you and the rest will come naturally. Follow up with them later on if you get the chance, and before you know it, you will have a new friend, and begin building some self confidence.

 

I've had a lot of the same issues you have, and for the same reasons. You can't control what other people think, do, or say, but you have complete control over how you choose to react and respond to them, and ultimately that is much more important. Nobody else can control how you feel about yourself unless *you* let them - Don't!

[Ronni_W]

it's hard to feel "proud" of accomplishing something so basic that most people usually accomplish,

 

The downside to thinking like that is that you WON'T feel successful about too many things in your own life because MOST people have already accomplished many of the "basics". You're making a choice, with that kind of thought pattern, to not feel too successful.

 

I also know for a fact that, deep down (deep DEEP down), I do have a very playful/ flirtacious side, I'm just not so good with letting it out.

 

Pretend you were better at letting it out -- how would others know when you do that? How would you act, what would you say, what clothes would you be wearing, how would you carry yourself?

 

If I could meet a nice girl, get her to see past my shortcomings, settle down, and maybe even start a family some day,

 

Bro, no woman is looking to "see past" someone's shortcomings! (And I'm guessing no man is looking to do that, either.) WTF?

Your goal MUST be to HELP people see your strengths, talents and positives!!! And that just plain means that YOU need to get a lot clearer about what your strengths, talents and positives are. Your brain is being lazy about this...that is coming through in your posts.

 

Your brain is being lacklustre and lackadaisical about YOUR LIFE, and you are using the excuse of "shyness" (self-defeating habit) to allow your brain to not start pumping out some answers for you...answers that you DO need if you want to meet your "nice girl" and have a happy and successful life.

 

Speaking of which...what qualities are going to make her "nice"? How will you know when you meet her? What will she think, how will she express herself, what will be important to her?

 

To a point, it almost feels like I'm just going along with the motions.

 

Yep -- that is the result of your brain having taken off on you. Call it back. It is letting you down, and not doing the job that it is supposed to be doing for you.

 

"Life in general" is made up of much more than food, clothes, shelter and family. Peace, justice, tolerance, acceptance, forgiveness, integrity, fairness, commitment, accountability, inspiration, guidance, information, wisdom. WHAT is important to YOU? What are you prepared to stand up for and speak out about? Is there anything for which you will fight to the death? In your ideal world, what is going on in your immediate circle, your community, your state, your country, the global village???

 

Your thoughts and feelings are common at your stage of development. The only risk is to not get serious about self-reflecting to find out who you are, and start shaping who you are going to be and how you are going to leave your mark.

(For example, if parenting is your ultimate, then child psychology and best current parenting practices might support that goal. If being a terrific husband is a goal, then start learning about effective communications, active listening, conflict resolution, emotional intelligence, etc.)

 

Basically, do what you have to do, to get your brain functioning at its full capacity. And then the other stuff will have a tendency to fall into place, reveal themselves, and you will find your solutions without having to stress.

 

Best of luck.

 

EDIT: You did a good job of expressing your personality. Go buy a dollar-store notebook and write that down. And use that journal to start recording your answers to the many other questions posed in this thread. THAT is self-reflection, that is how you get to know yourself. That is, that's how to discover the person (you!) that you want to reveal and share with your "nice girl" ~~ the MANY nice girls that you will start to attract as if by magic.

[Inflikted]

Bro, no woman is looking to "see past" someone's shortcomings! (And I'm guessing no man is looking to do that, either.) WTF?

Your goal MUST be to HELP people see your strengths, talents and positives!!! And that just plain means that YOU need to get a lot clearer about what your strengths, talents and positives are.

 

Eh, I know, but it's really just another "scar" I have from my high school years... That was one of the things those idiots pounded into my head, that I'm not "good enough" for any girl, that I'm too short, too inexperienced, etc. I know it's stupid, but it's just something that's been pounded into my brain for so many years that I've started to believe it myself.

[Ronni_W]

one of the things those idiots pounded into my head ... I know it's stupid,

Uh...you are CONSCIOUSLY CHOOSING to believe something about yourself even though you know it is stupid and was told to you by idiots??? What is up with that???

 

YOU are definitely a more than good enough human being. And so you deserve better from yourself, than to just blame your negative self-image on idiots whom you met, and scars that you suffered, in your formative years.

 

The deal, after we recognize our wrong/irrational core beliefs, is to correct them. Here is a link that may be able to help with that process.

http://www.coping.org/growth/beliefs.htm

 

Unfortunately, other people, events and circumstances will not give you back your self-esteem and self-worth. You can only get that back from your Self. So, I really would encourage you to start doing that for yourself. Because you ARE more than good enough, and you do deserve to have high self-esteem and a positive self-image.

 

Wishing you a very happy and successful life...just because you deserve it

[Inflikted]

Heh, yeah, I know it doesn't make much sense... I mean, I AM aware that it's stupid to let this get to me, but considering how much it was pounded into my head for so long, it's hard to push it out of my mind. I try to let it go, but it's always in the back of my mind, that lingering thought of "Maybe they're right? Maybe I'm not good enough".