Starting to fade...

[MindsEyeBlind]

My girlfriend and I have been doing the long distance thing for about 9 months now. We've already been through some tough times, but I feel the worst is yet to come. I feel myself becoming very possesive. I get very jealous when I hear that she is hanging out with other guys and I kinda want feedback on this.

 

It all started about a month ago after she had left from our most recent visit. She is in Texas and I am in New York. We had a fantastic time, really enjoyed eachothers company and our goodbye was one of the toughest things that I've ever had to do. All we talked about was how we can't wait to move in together, we can't wait to just be together and live as one.

 

Then when she got home, after about a week, she started having serious doubts. She started to say that I'm not ready to support her, which is partially true. She says that she refuses to move because she doesn't want to get rid of her car that would cost a fortune to swap leases from Texas to NY. Being that I live in NYC, I have never even owned a car, there's really no reason to with all of the public transportation and lack of parking. So since I've never owned a car, she says that I don't understand why selling her car is such a big thing. I look at it as a little bit of extra cash for us to use to start our lives but she just looks at it as unacceptable. Now, I've never even told her to sell her car but it looks like it's something she's holding onto as her main excuse to not commit to this and actually make the jump. All of this over a shiny piece of metal.

 

Now there's the issue of her with other guys. She is very naive to how men think. I'm not saying that all men want to get into all womens pants, but it's close. She has guys that literally tell her "I want to have a relationship with you and I think we'd be a great couple". And the part that irks me the most? She will actually sit down with this guy and have a conversation about it and their "would be" relationship. It boils my blood beyond belief. She goes out to bars with different guys and I really don't know if I can trust her to not cheat on me. I will admit, I have jealousy issues. But my jealousy is fair in some of these cases. She has sworn up and down that she only loves me and that she wants nobody else but just hearing her with other guys and knowing that they get to look into her eyes and I don't tears me apart.

 

She has a friend that she has known for years, he's like a brother she says. This "Brother" has tried on more than one occasion to hook up with her, forcefully. Each time she has pushed him away and told him that she is taken (to the best of my knowledge). But she continues to go hang out with this guy, go drinking with him, hang out with him alone... it just seems like she's testing the limits of her relationship with this guy until one day she cracks and just goes for it.

 

I sorta came to the realization this morning that I need to focus more on myself than this relationship. I spend my days working, and when I'm not working, I'm just sitting around missing her and moaping. I'm trying to get myself some new hobbies so maybe I can take a step back from annoying her with constantly wanting to talk to her and come to some sort of agreement about if we're going to continue this or if we're just going to throw our hands up and forfeit our love.

 

Another thing is, this long distance relationship is eating into my daily life. I don't go out when I'm invited to bars because the scene of standing around a bunch of drunk guys/girls looking for my next **** just isn't even close to my idea of a good time, weather I was in this relationship or not. I turn down invitations to parties because I don't want to miss her phonecall at night or put myself in a situation where I run into an ex girlfriend or even just a new girl. I feel obsessive over her and I don't know how to turn it off. I feel like I just need to numb myself to this relationship until our choices turn around.

 

I really don't know what else to say I am just very confused/frustrated/lost in this whole situation. I don't konw if I'm looking for the magical answer here or just to get this whole thing off my chest to a community of people who might understand where I'm coming from. Sorry for such a long post.

[MindsEyeBlind]

Ok, so after rereading that I realize it was kind of a rant, I'll try to organize it into a few questions...

 

How do you keep your sanity knowing that your partner isn't with you and won't be with you for a long time.

 

How do you keep the jealousy from taking over? How do I just let her be and do her thing without making myself crazy over it?

 

What type of hobbies do you keep to keep your mind a bit distracted from the reality of your situation?

 

How do you deal with going out with other people, watching them and their partners enjoying eachothers company, and how do you fight off the opposite sex trying to hit on you when they don't get the point of "Yeah, my girlfriend lives 1300 miles away but I'm still not interested in you."

 

I feel like a break will be a terrible thing but she threw those words out there today. If we take a break I feel that she'll just meet someone local and easily forget about me, should I be trying to do the same?

 

I just don't know what I am going to do regarding anything anymore...

[islandboy786]

i totally understand how u feel about her going out wit other guys around and crazy thoughts going thru your head. i have the same problem just i live in florida and she lives in california so its 3k+ miles. i too am in the same situation and i just stay home, work, and talk 2 her, thats all i do. i make time in my day no matter what im doing to answer her phone call or text messages right away. i too have jealousy issues. and feel the same way you do about your relationship. one thing i do though is play ps3 i know i sound like a big kid, but it does keep me entertained and my mind off of crazy things that she could be doing. i also my a r/c car thats goes 90mph. the whole long distance thing is hard but if you stay together and get thru everything i believe it would be a very strong relationship. also i feel that once you break up in a relationship and get back together things wont be the same. sorry im not really any help just wanted to vent some:(

[islandboy786]

also i started to not hangout with my friends as much, im am going to start hanging out with them again like we used to. im going to try an act like there is not a relationship that im in and just have fun, even though im still in a relationship.

[mental_traveller]

It might sound harsh but this pattern is all too common with long-distance relationships. Believe me, I've had a few and it's difficult for them to work out longer-term. It just magnifies all the problems that normal relationships have.

 

You're in NYC, you have hundreds of thousands of hot young women to choose from. Why stress out over what a girl in Texas is doing? Just break up, wish her well, then she can hang out however she likes and keep her beloved car, and you get to cruise the mean streets of the Big Apple chasing any bit of skirt that takes your fancy. Seriously, you won't regret things - it's not like she's the love of your life and future mother of your children, is it? So cut your losses and move on.

[MindsEyeBlind]

While I sincerely appreciate your response, I honestly do think that she is the love of my life. I do think that she is the future mother of my children and I do think that I want to grow old and crazy with her. I have had relationships before, and then I have had her. The amount of love that my entire body feels for her is unable to describe. I have done the whole "chasing tail through the city" deal. It was fun for a bit, but I'm at the point now where I really do just want a strong relationship. I guess that's not to say that I wouldn't be able to find one here... I just can't even begin to imagine starting to talk to other women, it hurts to even think about.

[In the Light]

As someone in a LDR, I'll give you my perspective...

 

She's only talking to these other guys because you aren't there. It seems to get to you to a point and she probably likes knowing that you are a little jealous. It also sounds like she is enticed by the mental stimulation of conversation with these gentlemen around the realm of relationships.

 

As a NYC citizen without a car, you wouldn't understand the issues of selling or leasing a vehicle, but if she really wants to be with you, then she needs get rid of the freaking car and get her behind to NYC.

 

If you really want to be with her full time and you want to know how serious she is about your relationship, then tell her you want her to be with you...offer to help her in any way you can to get her there...selling her car, moving...whatever it takes...if she hesitates in any way, then you know that she isn't feeling as strong about the relationship as you are.

[EMBeee]

Hello there! I am in pretty much the EXACT thing you're going through... only thing is... I am the female and so here's my story so that you can hear the "other" side if you might...

 

I have been in my LDR with my boyfriend now for 8 months. Just recently though, he's gotten very very jealous over things. He has NOTHING to worry about because there is no competition with him because he is the one I love and I would never do anything to hurt him. he has major trust issues and I was being honest with him one day (because I think honesty is the best policy) and I told him of a guy that's been trying to get with me... I told him that I removed him from my myspace page because the guy didn't get the clue that I am happily in love with my bf... well, my bf got very jealous of this and got mad at ME for it!!! Even though I was being honest with him and that I told this guy to screw off!! I get confused sometimes... is it better to just keep your mouth shut or what?!?

 

So, now he's started to get jealous of his best friend that i chat with every so often just so I know how things are going with my boyfriend because my bf doesn't talk to me everyday now since the first jealousy blow out and so i feel out of the loop most days and just talk to the friend to see if my bf has talked to him lately and to make sure he's doing ok and that he's not in a hospital somehwere.

 

So, i've brought up the issue of me wanting to move to be with my bf and he says he wants me to move there and he dosen't want me to move there... once again - i'm left confused. ever since the jealousy thing, he doesn't talk to me everyday like he used to. He seems "distant" now too... I've asked him if there's anything I did to bother him and he hasn't said anything but I know this all happened around the jealousy issue. I often wonder if he thinks about me anymore... I feel more like out of sight out of mind... I don't know... why do people get so worked up over things irrelevant?

 

i too don't go out anymore because I love my bf so much that going out with friends is out of the question. I'm so sick of seeing lovers out with their lovers and I can't be with mine. Although now I don't feel very important in his life anymore so I am trying to go out with my best friend to get my mind off of things... but she's married and has a fmaily of her own. What good is that?

 

All I do is think about him everyday and everynight... I dream of him in my sleep. I want to NOT do this... as I feel it has much control over me. I want to be numb and I want to NOT be too nice anymore. I want to be a bitch! I don't want someone to have so much control over me especially when I feel that they don't feel aqually about me. i HATE being vulnerable!

 

the other night he told me that I need to not let people walk all over me because I am such a "nice" person... too nice. he said that with my attitude... he could easily get away with lots of things and not face any consequences for it. Although he did say that he wouldn't do anything but just giving me an example. then he talked about his ex wife in the mix and I felt like he was comparing me to her by saying that one thing that attracted him to her was that she was very hard on the outside but behind closed doors on the inside she is very emotional and soft and sweet...

 

well number one, I wish he'd get over her already, they've been apart now for almost 2 years now!! And she's got a HUGE tattoo of her new mate's name on her damn ankle!!! get a clue buddy!! What does that mean when someone gets a tat of their mate's name on them??? I assume that they really care deeply for one another

[wingk1314]

omg you sound like me.

your gf sounds almost the same as my ex. And yes it's tough. I get jealous all the time too.

It's not that you don't want to go out anymore. It's just that you'd rather be with her than 'having fun' usually. It's normal.

I can't give you any great advice since in the end I forfeited (long story). However, I think it's better if you told us how she thinks and deals with the whole thing. I mean have you told her how you felt about it? Or does she know how you feel about it? How does she take it?

[Island Girl]

My girlfriend and I have been doing the long distance thing for about 9 months now. We've already been through some tough times, but I feel the worst is yet to come. I feel myself becoming very possesive. I get very jealous when I hear that she is hanging out with other guys and I kinda want feedback on this.

 

Hanging out around guys is one thing (because you are right a guy who DOESN'T want sex from the girls he hangs out with is the exception not the rule) - but hanging out with them as in going out with a pack of guys or hanging out with a guy "going to the movies" or to a bar is unacceptable. It indicates a lack of respect for you and a devaluing of your relationship.

I believe it is knocking on the door for damage to be done to your relationship.

 

She has to be able to have a life. But she can have a life without adding to any insecurity or jealousy issues that you have.

 

It all started about a month ago after she had left from our most recent visit. She is in Texas and I am in New York. We had a fantastic time, really enjoyed eachothers company and our goodbye was one of the toughest things that I've ever had to do. All we talked about was how we can't wait to move in together, we can't wait to just be together and live as one.

 

Then when she got home, after about a week, she started having serious doubts. She started to say that I'm not ready to support her, which is partially true. She says that she refuses to move because she doesn't want to get rid of her car that would cost a fortune to swap leases from Texas to NY. Being that I live in NYC, I have never even owned a car, there's really no reason to with all of the public transportation and lack of parking. So since I've never owned a car, she says that I don't understand why selling her car is such a big thing. I look at it as a little bit of extra cash for us to use to start our lives but she just looks at it as unacceptable. Now, I've never even told her to sell her car but it looks like it's something she's holding onto as her main excuse to not commit to this and actually make the jump. All of this over a shiny piece of metal.

 

So a lot of BIG things were discussed. Moving in together may have terrified the crap out of her. Maybe her fear is causing her to pull away from you and that is what you are feeling.

 

IF that is the case -- and that is why you feel kind of out of control and lost. If you feel like you are trying to hold on tighter and tighter while she is slipping away then you should back off. If she is not ready then it needs to be discussed and she needs to feel comfortable telling you that.

 

In the arms of a man who loves you while the fire of romance burns bright it is easy to dream - but the reality may be scary if she isn't ready and would explain the sudden switch. -- I did that a couple of times and they chased so desperately I just shut myself off completely.

 

 

She has a friend that she has known for years, he's like a brother she says. This "Brother" has tried on more than one occasion to hook up with her, forcefully. Each time she has pushed him away and told him that she is taken (to the best of my knowledge). But she continues to go hang out with this guy, go drinking with him, hang out with him alone... it just seems like she's testing the limits of her relationship with this guy until one day she cracks and just goes for it.

 

Okay - well, girls don't crack and go for it - generally the emotions lead us down that path. The brother guy being attractive to her probably will not happen. But he wants her and has demonstrated that. And you said he had times of pushing the issue forcefully. Really bad judgement on her part to hang out with him alone. But an insult to your relationship as well. I don't believe there is any reason to hang out with a man one on one - because I HAVE a man - but it leaves possible errors in judgement that can lead to something that would break the two of you up.

 

I sorta came to the realization this morning that I need to focus more on myself than this relationship. I spend my days working, and when I'm not working, I'm just sitting around missing her and moaping. I'm trying to get myself some new hobbies so maybe I can take a step back from annoying her with constantly wanting to talk to her and come to some sort of agreement about if we're going to continue this or if we're just going to throw our hands up and forfeit our love.

 

GOOD PLAN! TAKING A STEP BACK IS A FANTASTIC IDEA.

 

Give her a chance to miss you. Remember that old saying you don't know what you got until it's gone - well it is sooooooo true.

 

 

Another thing is, this long distance relationship is eating into my daily life. I don't go out when I'm invited to bars because the scene of standing around a bunch of drunk guys/girls looking for my next **** just isn't even close to my idea of a good time, weather I was in this relationship or not. I turn down invitations to parties because I don't want to miss her phonecall at night or put myself in a situation where I run into an ex girlfriend or even just a new girl. I feel obsessive over her and I don't know how to turn it off. I feel like I just need to numb myself to this relationship until our choices turn around.

 

Go to the bars and hang out with your friends as you used to. Laugh at the jokes, drink, enjoy. Go to those parties and mingle. Just because you talk to someone doesn't mean you are sexually interested. Talk about current events, etc. Nowadays there is plenty to discuss!

 

Absolutely do not sit next to the phone.

 

I really don't know what else to say I am just very confused/frustrated/lost in this whole situation. I don't konw if I'm looking for the magical answer here or just to get this whole thing off my chest to a community of people who might understand where I'm coming from. Sorry for such a long post.

 

I hope it helped to get it all off your chest. And I hope you are helped by all the responses you have received