Anyone have a revenge affair with MP spouse?

[Owl]

You're absolutely right...you don't have to be a BS to post here.

 

But I'm curious...what are you hoping to gain by talking about this?

 

Why CAN'T you talk about this with your friends and family?

 

I mean...its not like you're doing anything that they'd disapprove of, or find morally reprehensible, right?

 

They should SUPPORT your efforts, right?

 

 

My point? If you're looking for people to agree with your actions, or support them, then your best bet is to look for sites that actually are intended for that purpose...do a google search...they're out there. You'll get responses that are right in line with your actions.

 

Since this site is PREDOMINATELY frequented by betrayed spouses or former wayward ones, you're not likely to find any true support for your actions.

 

I'm still not sure what posting here actually DOES for you?

 

How is it helping you? Supporting you? What is the "gain" for you?

[Lorenzo76]

You do know that it doesn't make it any less wrong because you claim that you know it's wrong?

 

Out of curiosity, I'm interested in specifically what parts of your behavior you think are wrong... The idea of taking revenge by stooping to your wife's level? Using the OM's wife as a tool of that revenge? "Faking reconciliation," i.e. knowingly lying to a relationship partner who is making a genuine effort?

 

Saying "I know it's wrong" and then doing it is disingenuous. What you're really saying is "I know you think it's wrong, but I don't, because I've got myself an excuse."

 

 

I wouldn't tell you any of that. I would say get out, with your sanity, your class, and your morality intact. Although it's probably too late for that now.

 

Well, at least at the end of it all, you can be proud that you turned out to be just the kind of person your lawyer would have wanted you to be. Now there's an accomplishment.

 

 

That's shocking, because we know how women are normally so easily able to keep sex and emotions separate. Hmmm, it's totally mystifying how in the world things could have turned out this way...

 

The part of my behavior I feel is wrong is my affair. Where the problem comes in is that I don't feel any guilt or remorse for it. I assume that is because of my stbx's own affair. I feel I am perfectly entitled to fake reconciliation to protect my hard earned money. No guilt there. I busted my ass so my stbx would not have to work and she could go to school. She in turns blames me for not spending enough time with her for the reason for her affair. That is a real sore spot with me. I was giving her what she wanted, what she said she wanted and that was not to work and concentrate on her studies. I will be damned if she gets alimony out of me. After I found out about her affair I made her get a part time job so she could contribute. I was done playing the sap.

 

I did feel like a hypocrite the other night. As part of false reconciliation I have to pretend that I am doing things to improve the marriage. She dragged me to some infidelity movie called fireproof. I was exhausted and went to sleep before it even started. When it was over I could tell she was pissed. When we were in the car she started to yell and then she realized she had no right to do that because she was the one who had the affair. I stayed silent because what was I going to tell her? That I was now cheating and no better than her and OM?

 

OW and I have always had an understanding with each other. If anything we were using each other. Now things have changed since real feelings are involved now and it goes beyond sex now. I am going to tread very carefully where she is concerned. I don't want to break her heart anymore than I want my own heart broken.

[Lorenzo76]

You're absolutely right...you don't have to be a BS to post here.

 

But I'm curious...what are you hoping to gain by talking about this?

 

Why CAN'T you talk about this with your friends and family?

 

I mean...its not like you're doing anything that they'd disapprove of, or find morally reprehensible, right?

 

They should SUPPORT your efforts, right?

 

 

My point? If you're looking for people to agree with your actions, or support them, then your best bet is to look for sites that actually are intended for that purpose...do a google search...they're out there. You'll get responses that are right in line with your actions.

 

Since this site is PREDOMINATELY frequented by betrayed spouses or former wayward ones, you're not likely to find any true support for your actions.

 

I'm still not sure what posting here actually DOES for you?

 

How is it helping you? Supporting you? What is the "gain" for you?

 

When I first started posting here I was hoping to find other BS that had a revenge affair. I have not found very many.

 

I can write my feelings here. It could be a combination of a lot of things of why I stick around. Maybe this board keeps me grounded in reality. I have not given it a lot of thought on why I post here.

[Trimmer]

The part of my behavior I feel is wrong is my affair. Where the problem comes in is that I don't feel any guilt or remorse for it. I assume that is because of my stbx's own affair.

Actually, I get this. It's still wrong, but understandably human. I had similar thoughts myself -my wife's OM's wife was a friend of mine from before we were married, actually, and attractive, too. I had the fantasy all worked out it my head, although I never intended to act on it.

 

I feel I am perfectly entitled to fake reconciliation to protect my hard earned money. No guilt there. I busted my ass so my stbx would not have to work and she could go to school. She in turns blames me for not spending enough time with her for the reason for her affair. That is a real sore spot with me. I was giving her what she wanted, what she said she wanted and that was not to work and concentrate on her studies. I will be damned if she gets alimony out of me. After I found out about her affair I made her get a part time job so she could contribute. I was done playing the sap.

This part is also understandable, but I'm interested: if she had merely announced that she wanted a divorce and upon reflection, you decided that you wanted one too, and there were no affair involved, do you believe that you would still be "entitled" to entice her into a temporary - but fake - reconciliation, or otherwise draw out the filling, to avoid paying whatever the law would provide?

 

In other words, is it the general fact of you guys divorcing after you supported her through her schooling that entitles you to take deceptive action, or is it triggered specifically by the deception of her affair? Do you distinguish between those two scenarios?

 

I did feel like a hypocrite the other night. As part of false reconciliation I have to pretend that I am doing things to improve the marriage. She dragged me to some infidelity movie called fireproof. I was exhausted and went to sleep before it even started. When it was over I could tell she was pissed. When we were in the car she started to yell and then she realized she had no right to do that because she was the one who had the affair. I stayed silent because what was I going to tell her? That I was now cheating and no better than her and OM?

That guilt is the genuinely honest person within you wanting to be set free.

 

OW and I have always had an understanding with each other. If anything we were using each other. Now things have changed since real feelings are involved now and it goes beyond sex now. I am going to tread very carefully where she is concerned. I don't want to break her heart anymore than I want my own heart broken.

So if it was just a revenge f**k, now that you got what you want, can you now step back and stop making it worse for her? When you say "real feelings are involved now," are you just talking about her and how to let her down easy, or are you having "real feelings" that are becoming hard to deal with, too?

[Owl]

When I first started posting here I was hoping to find other BS that had a revenge affair. I have not found very many.

 

I can write my feelings here. It could be a combination of a lot of things of why I stick around. Maybe this board keeps me grounded in reality. I have not given it a lot of thought on why I post here.

 

That's an honest answer...that's something I can work with.

 

So...coming here, you found that there were very, very few BS's that had a revenge affair.

 

At first, I think you MIGHT, MAYBE have been considering this revenge affair as a way to get back at OM and your wife.

 

More and more tho, I'm getting convinced that you were attracted to OW from the beginning...and simpy used this as an EXCUSE to start an affair with her.

 

Like I've said...this makes you the exact same as your wife and OM. EXACTLY.

 

And the fact that you don't feel guilty supports that tremendously.

 

If I were to hope for you to gain ANYTHING from posting here, from reading all the stories...I'd hope for you to GAIN that sense of guilt.

 

And a desire to do the good thing...not just what makes you feel good.

 

But as long as you don't allow yourself to feel guilt or remorse...as long as you hide in the refuge of blaming your wife and OM...and continue to take this sick pleasure in faking reconciliation with her, all the while planning on this affair........that will never happen.

 

Perhaps you SHOULD talk with a friend or two?

 

People who's opinions you value? Ones that might actually help you stop and think, rather than react?

 

Perhaps you're not so much avoiding telling anyone because you're afraid of what they'll say to your wife....as much as you might be avoiding them because of what they'll say to YOU?

 

Something to consider...

[wuggle]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]This is my first post here so apologies if I get anything ’Wrong’, I believe the value of these forums is in alternative opinions being expressed for your consideration, I am trying not to be too judgemental. [COLOR=black]As a ‘wronged’ husband I can appreciate the desire to exact revenge, but have to ask the question, before you found out your wife was having an affair did you not love her ? I’m not talking about being ‘in love’ (which as we all know is temporary) but the sort of love you get from living with someone for a long period of time. Why was your first choice when she made a mistake to ‘punish’ her by having a revenge affair and not at least looking at why she might have messed up in the first place, I can’t see any reference in this thread to you seriously looking at what might have been wrong between you. Were you living with a person you didn’t love before this all happened?, in which case why ?. Maybe you should ask yourself what sort of man you want to be, Could I make a suggestion - imagine this is your last day on earth, could you honestly look back at what you have done and be proud of it ? did it really enhance you, your life or anyone else’s ?, If you find the answer is ‘no’ I suggest you talk to your wife, both come clean on everything, if there is or was any real love between you, try to forgive each other and both put some effort into growing up, otherwise agree a plan to separate and stop obsessing over saving alimony when you get divorced. This isn’t a tit-for-tat game, she had an affair so I will, ha ha that will show her. This is your life, one shot, grow !. All your doing is making everything more confusing, sure you don’t feel guilty about your affair, why should you ,she started it , but now you have feelings for your affair partner, no surprise there, most people get attached to those they are sleeping with, what did you think was going to happen ? now you have 2 messes to sort out, stop before it becomes 3.......[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE]

[Trimmer]

Perhaps you SHOULD talk with a friend or two?

 

People who's opinions you value? Ones that might actually help you stop and think, rather than react?

 

Perhaps you're not so much avoiding telling anyone because you're afraid of what they'll say to your wife....as much as you might be avoiding them because of what they'll say to YOU?

What's that old saying, something like: advice is something that you already know but don't want to hear...

 

I wanted to edit my last post, but missed the window to add the following:

 

I feel I am perfectly entitled to fake reconciliation to protect my hard earned money. No guilt there.

Seriously? No guilt there?

I did feel like a hypocrite the other night. As part of false reconciliation I have to pretend that I am doing things to improve the marriage. ... I stayed silent because what was I going to tell her? That I was now cheating and no better than her and OM?

 

Interesting, isn't it, that in the case of your affair and your OW, you know intellectually that it's wrong, but you don't feel it. In the case of your wife, you have convinced yourself intellectually that deceiving her is not wrong, but you do feel it.

 

I would guess that these dissonances will only become more uncomfortable for you as the dynamics within both relationships continue to evolve.

[Owl]

Interesting, isn't it, that in the case of your affair and your OW, you know intellectually that it's wrong, but you don't feel it. In the case of your wife, you have convinced yourself intellectually that deceiving her is not wrong, but you do feel it.

 

I would guess that these dissonances will only become more uncomfortable for you as the dynamics of both situations develop

 

I would hazard this...if Lorenzo doesn't feel any guilt or remorse about his affair...why should his wife? Or OM?

 

Given that...then why should Lorenzo be the slightest bit upset/hurt/angry at his wife for having the affair in the first place? If she's not doing something she should feel bad for...then what was wrong about doing it?

 

If his affair is "ok"...what makes her affair "not ok"?

 

If its ok for Lorenzo to boink the OW...that means that it was ok for him to do the same to Lorenzo's wife too, right?

[Lizzie60]

From what I read here.. I think his W's affair was a blessing.. for him.. at least he found someone he might be more happy with..

 

About his 'Plan' I think it's very understandable that he doesn't want to waste his hard earned money on his D .. why should he?

 

I think in the long run.. he'll be happier..

[Owl]

Remember..."SHE STARTED IT!!" stopped working as an excuse somewhere around second grade.

[Lorenzo76]

Actually, I get this. It's still wrong, but understandably human. I had similar thoughts myself -my wife's OM's wife was a friend of mine from before we were married, actually, and attractive, too. I had the fantasy all worked out it my head, although I never intended to act on it.

 

 

This part is also understandable, but I'm interested: if she had merely announced that she wanted a divorce and upon reflection, you decided that you wanted one too, and there were no affair involved, do you believe that you would still be "entitled" to entice her into a temporary - but fake - reconciliation, or otherwise draw out the filling, to avoid paying whatever the law would provide?

 

In other words, is it the general fact of you guys divorcing after you supported her through her schooling that entitles you to take deceptive action, or is it triggered specifically by the deception of her affair? Do you distinguish between those two scenarios?

 

 

That guilt is the genuinely honest person within you wanting to be set free.

 

 

So if it was just a revenge f**k, now that you got what you want, can you now step back and stop making it worse for her? When you say "real feelings are involved now," are you just talking about her and how to let her down easy, or are you having "real feelings" that are becoming hard to deal with, too?

 

I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who does not want to be with me. I would have supported her decision and would have helped her out until she could support herself. Her affair changed EVERYTHING. After that I felt I did not owe her anything. One of the first things I did was see a lawyer. It became all about me and what was best for me.

 

OW has become so much more than a revenge **** to me. That's what makes this so damn complicated. When she told me she was falling in love with me it put me in a tailspin. My feelings for her are getting stronger everyday and it scares me. I am not being arrogant but I have been with a lot of women and I have had 3 very serious relationships. I know what being in love is all about. I've never fell for someone so hard and fast. I feel as if I have lost control of the situation and that is new to me. She wants us to have a future but she has taken no steps to leave her husband. I at least have a plan. People think that I am going to break her heart. Sometimes I think it will be me that could be hurt in the end. Of course I would have only myself to blame. It was easier when we had no expectations of each other and now she starts talking about love and wanting to be with me.

[pelicanpreacher]

I think Lorenzo had more feelings for his wife than he portrays. Why else would he bust his azz so that she could live a life of leisure staying at home. Machismo?! If so why would he put himself through the additional hours of working stress to pay for her college education? Hmmmmm!

 

Lorenzo, you're feeling used and abused and served like hell so the depth of your initial animosity towards this entire infidelity situation is completely understandable. Its also understandable why you would want to protect your assets and future earnings because you feel that's all that's left of value in your marriage and you'll be darned if you're taken for a ride any farther, right?

 

Now, however, you've undergone your own philisophical transformation by adorning your wife's skin and engaging in an affair of your own. You've experienced all that she's experienced and have now grown a warped empathy for the way she treated you while steeped in her affair by gaslighting and distancing yourself from her while enveloping yourself in the growing confusion of mutually deepening feelings derived while perpetrating the illicit. Your affair has distracted your angst and dulled your edge enough to allow erratic thought and complacency to dominate your perspective and awareness to the point that you've lost sight of what's happening around you.

 

Your wife on the other hand is no dummy and I'm sure she recognizes all the signs of your affair and may have a nasty countersurpise in store for you by seeing through your fake attempt at stringing along the marriage to rip her financially with a surprise divorce with a pre-emptive divorce action of her own. On the other hand your wife may be thinking all along that as soon as she gets that sheepskin in hand she is out of there, is not looking back, and couldn't care less about your money for she knows she'll be empowered with a high enough earning potential to sustain her own needs for the rest of her life!

 

Your son is the only question remaining. How involved was your wife in his life and how will this divorce affect him? I know he already has a mother but still the question begs?

[JustBreathe]

Lorenzo is sick to his heart and blinded by rage over what his wife has done. He will not listen to reason nor see what is truly taking place. He thinks the OW and he are falling in love when their relationship is based upon revenge and commiseration. A mutual blow to the self esteem and a feeling that they have to recover, they have to feel they are loveable, good in bed, desirable and worthy. Of course sex was good, it was based on all of those feelings not their being perfect for each other.

 

I believe Lorenzo knows his marriage is truly over. He's having an "exit affair." He wants out. He wants his wife to find out, to deliver the final crushing blow, and destroy her like he is destroyed, but all that's going to happen is he will empower her as she will no longer have to feel as wrong about what she did. She will feel BETTER, not worse, in the long run. She will most likely hold up her head and only feel a mild sort of regret and resent him as completely as Lorenzo resents her. Rightly so.

[cherrymoon]

man this is such a mess.

 

Ye love each other OH please!

 

Anyway.

 

did you ever want ot reconcile with your wife?

Are you having sex with her?

Are ye going for counselling?

 

She can and will destroy you when she finds out.

You see people make mistakes and have affairs you on the other hand have planned it and now you are intentionally abusing your wife.

you may lose everything as she is the one making amends and the court will view your behaviour as abusive and damaging both emotionally and physically to her health.

You have ruined everything.

There will be no public sympathy for you infact as I know first hand you will be seen as the bad one and she will get sympathy as people will excuse her affair as you acted with intent and cruelty.

 

this will ruin you and all for money???

 

Walk away from your wife she actually deserves that.

[Lorenzo76]

Your son is the only question remaining. How involved was your wife in his life and how will this divorce affect him? I know he already has a mother but still the question begs?

 

They have a close relationship. I know they will want to maintain contact after we divorce. I don't have a problem with that but I prefer she go through his mother. The less contact we have with each other after the divorce the better.

[Lorenzo76]

man this is such a mess.

 

Ye love each other OH please!

 

Anyway.

 

did you ever want ot reconcile with your wife?

Are you having sex with her?

Are ye going for counselling?

 

She can and will destroy you when she finds out.

You see people make mistakes and have affairs you on the other hand have planned it and now you are intentionally abusing your wife.

you may lose everything as she is the one making amends and the court will view your behaviour as abusive and damaging both emotionally and physically to her health.

You have ruined everything.

There will be no public sympathy for you infact as I know first hand you will be seen as the bad one and she will get sympathy as people will excuse her affair as you acted with intent and cruelty.

 

this will ruin you and all for money???

 

Walk away from your wife she actually deserves that.

 

cherrymoon you create such a dreary picture. Legally the only place where she really has me is alimony. When December rolls around that even won't be an issue. Per my lawyer the courts do not give a **** about adultery, gaslighting, false reconciliation, etc, etc. If she wants to bring up my affair then I will be more than happy to produce the PI report that I have and multiple e-mails where she denies she had an affair. You see I was gaslighted as well. That is why there is no-fault divorce. The courts don't want to hear that ****.

 

As for how people will view me lets just say in my family blood is thicker than water.

 

To answer your questions no I never wanted to save my marriage after I found out about her affair. No I am not having sex with her. As part of false reconciliation I told her if her STD tests came back negative for 6 months I would consider resuming sex with her. In all honesty I have lost all desire for her. Besides I am getting my needs met elsewhere so it's a moot point. Never have gone to counseling. I told her early on I need lots of time space to come to terms with what she has done and not to pressure me about the marriage.

[Untouchable_Fire]

cherrymoon you create such a dreary picture. Legally the only place where she really has me is alimony. When December rolls around that even won't be an issue. Per my lawyer the courts do not give a **** about adultery, gaslighting, false reconciliation, etc, etc. If she wants to bring up my affair then I will be more than happy to produce the PI report that I have and multiple e-mails where she denies she had an affair. You see I was gaslighted as well. That is why there is no-fault divorce. The courts don't want to hear that ****.

 

Be prepared for your emotional rebound!

 

Love that burns hot can become a deep hatred after a betrayal. Do not allow yourself to become bitter towards her.

 

You have made it even. Forgiver her and end your marriage with indifference and apathy. Only then will you be free.

[bish]

They have a close relationship. I know they will want to maintain contact after we divorce. I don't have a problem with that but I prefer she go through his mother. The less contact we have with each other after the divorce the better.

 

I agree. My X use to call me for stupid idle little chit chat, and all after her bf went away to prison. I guess she was lonely *sniff sniff*

 

Anyway, after repeated conversations with her that always had to end up with me saying, "is this all you needed, because I have to go". I finally had to tell her, unless it is important and has to do with my children, I don't need to talk to you and don't want to talk to you.

 

That nipped it in the bud pretty quick.

[Lorenzo76]

I have a update to post. We were busted. We were not as good at hiding the affair as our spouses were.

 

Both of us are in really deep **** now. Since I was busted I laid everything out there. I told my stbx I wanted out. She through a bunch of dishes at me and left the house. That was yesterday. I have not heard from her since.

 

OM has been calling me on the phone night and day. He has called me over 200x since Saturday. That ****er called my elderly grandparents and told them about the affair. He can't get a hold of my parents so I guess he thought that was the next best thing. Does he really think telling my family is going to help his situation? He destroyed OW's cell phone. She called me from work today. She says he wants to save the marriage. Before she left for work she saw him on his knees in their bedroom praying to god to restore their marriage. I think he really does love her.

 

My marriage is over. My lawyer is upset with me because I complicated our plan. OW told me she is ending her marriage too and asked for the name of my divorce lawyer. As of today she is staying with her parents and will be looking at places to live. I will pick her up after work today so we can talk some more. For her sake I have avoided talking her husband. I am not sure how much she has told him.

[Owl]

Glad to hear it.

[JustBreathe]

There is a reason people say revenge is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.

 

I feel for your situation. I know how tempted I was to do the same thing and how blinded by rage a person becomes.

[Lookingforward]

I have a update to post. We were busted. We were not as good at hiding the affair as our spouses were.

 

Both of us are in really deep **** now. Since I was busted I laid everything out there. I told my stbx I wanted out. She through a bunch of dishes at me and left the house. That was yesterday. I have not heard from her since.

 

OM has been calling me on the phone night and day. He has called me over 200x since Saturday. That ****er called my elderly grandparents and told them about the affair. He can't get a hold of my parents so I guess he thought that was the next best thing. Does he really think telling my family is going to help his situation? He destroyed OW's cell phone. She called me from work today. She says he wants to save the marriage. Before she left for work she saw him on his knees in their bedroom praying to god to restore their marriage. I think he really does love her.

 

My marriage is over. My lawyer is upset with me because I complicated our plan. OW told me she is ending her marriage too and asked for the name of my divorce lawyer. As of today she is staying with her parents and will be looking at places to live. I will pick her up after work today so we can talk some more. For her sake I have avoided talking her husband. I am not sure how much she has told him.

 

Too bad he didn't love her enough to stay away from YOUR wife.

[Owl]

Too bad he didn't love her enough to stay away from YOUR wife.

 

No doubt. A lovelier foursome of people I'd never love to meet.

[Trimmer]

I know it's wrong but I want to have an affair with her. I want her husband and my wife to find out after the fact so they know the pain they inflicted on us. I want to be able to tell the OP to his face that I slept with his wife multiple times and that I have no intention of stopping.

Well, you fulfilled the fantasy, and now you can check off the goal of inflicting pain, but it sounds like reality is not as sweet as the fantasy seemed...

 

No matter how hard I try I cannot stop my need to stick it to this guy....

OK, so no whining then. You had your eyes wide open and had a wide range of advice and experiences available to consider; you chose your course, and accomplished what you set out to do. You were pretty certain that your marriage was over anyway (I think you said 97%, wasn't it?) so you evened the score, and took the revenge you sought. Mission accomplished. Now man up, take responsibility for your choices, and move on.

 

The one person I do feel sorrow for is your son. Every one of you 4 adults had choices to make, and somewhere along the way, each of you made choices that either caused or increased the pain and drama of the situation. Your son had no choice, no say, no warning. Collateral damage, they call it. I'm sure you will do your best to insulate him from the situation, but while the dynamic in your marriage would have been uncomfortable for him anyway, this has only cranked up the volume on that, and that's too bad.

[orangesean]

I'm not sure I understand why **** has hit the fan still. So maybe with the divorce lawyer you didn't do what he wanted but...

 

I mean you aren't fighting for custody, the other woman is going to divorce her husband, and he's so upset he's calling your grandparents and praying to god like a loser, as if his religion would care about an adulterer.

 

Sucks your grandparents were bothered by this, but the guy is hurt and your wife was hurt. So maybe inflicting bad karma yourself isn't the best thing, but I guess if I were in your shoes I'd get a little pleasure, but maybe I'm somewhat evil I don't know.

 

I still don't believe you actually love the OW, but keep us updated, this is an interesting read either way.