Anyone have a revenge affair with MP spouse?

[Lorenzo76]

Lorenzo -- Please will YOU go back to your initial post, and, calling up that wise sage within you now, and with 20-20 hindsight, could you please post an answer to yourself!

 

How would you have advised yourself, now that you know what happened when you took revenge?

 

Who ever came up with the saying living well is the best revenge knew what they were talking about.

 

I have had to face some harsh truths lately. One is that I am worse than the OM in my situation. I am actually scared to realize what I am capable of. Everything that I schemed and plotted I accomplished. I ruined OM's life. I more than ruined his life. My parents tell me he is a completely broken man now. That is what I wanted but I am not happy or proud of myself for my actions like I thought I would be.

 

I have traded in one set of problems for another. If I could go back I would rather have my old problems back instead of what I am dealing with now. I should have divorced my stbx right away and not given the OM a second thought.

 

So instead of starting over with a clean slate I have a MW on my hands who is learning the ropes of being a cake eater. I actually feel sorry for her husband and feel I have dodged a bullet. How crazy is that?

 

It has not been easy getting MW out of my system and I have fallen off the wagon where she is concerned since I last posted but we have no future together. That I know of for sure.

[Owl]

I'm really thinking that it must be tough for you, coming here to post after having ignored and even argued with all those posters who gave you page after page of advice trying to convince you to do the right thing.

[Athena]

I'm really thinking that it must be tough for you, coming here to post after having ignored and even argued with all those posters who gave you page after page of advice trying to convince you to do the right thing.

 

I wonder if THAT is why counselors do not give you advice... ?i.e. they don't actually TELL you what to do, but hold a mirror up to you so you can gain some insight into yourself.

Perhaps they know that we as human beings ASK for advice, but don't take it.... perhaps they know that we have to each learn for ourselves, and the best they can do is offer some professional guidance into understanding our situations a little bit better, and to put some thought into our actions.

[Athena]

I have had to face some harsh truths lately. One is that I am worse than the OM in my situation. I am actually scared to realize what I am capable of. Everything that I schemed and plotted I accomplished. I ruined OM's life. I more than ruined his life. My parents tell me he is a completely broken man now. That is what I wanted but I am not happy or proud of myself for my actions like I thought I would be.

 

Lorenzo, well done for giving advice to your situation, it may help others in your place.

 

Tell me, what exactly did OM tell your parents in his letter to them? How does he explain that he is a 'broken man' now, when he did the same thing as you?

 

And -- do your parents not see the irony of the OM's bleating about your actions?

I mean, it's good that your parents expect nothing less from you than integrity and honor, and I get why they pushed you to drop the MW, but don't they see that the OM got what was coming?!

[signedin2008]

I ruined OM's life. I more than ruined his life. My parents tell me he is a completely broken man now.

 

How broken is he? And, how do your parents know how he is doing?

 

I last posted but we have no future together. That I know of for sure.

 

You're right. I must say that I am very surprised to see that you are able to realize that this early.

[desertmoon]

Hi Lorenzo! I cried when I read your story and I routed for you when you wanted revenge. I clapped when you finally did and got upset when you lost control of your emotions...My husband is a cheat..The first time I found out, I had a nervous breakdown---6 months I was out of it---heavily medicated, a mere shadow of my former self. You see, I insisted on marrying this guy against my parent's wishes--and I was too humiliated to let anyone know. I couldn't even tell the psychiatrist what was wrong. One day I snapped back to life---and from then on, I wondered, schemed, plotted, planned to get back at him by cheating on him---I had plenty of opportunities but I never could do it---my husband taunted me, told me to go ahead do it, "i know you can't "-those were his words--15 years and several affairs (my husband's ) later,when I have resigned myself to the fact that I am incapable of it, I met this married lawyer--cosmopolitan, well-dressed, successful, and who aggressively pursued me, I succumbed to a relationship outside of my marriage.

 

I have been with this man for three years. I am happy with him. Our marriages are intact. Nobody is threatening divorce. I know I am not in this relationship because I want to hurt my husband--I think I have a better understanding of why people cheat...maybe it is a tremendous pressure to put on anybody to be loyal to one person...maybe it is impossible to complete another...I don't know...

 

Lorenzo, I do not know what will happen if our spouses will find out...I have a nagging feeling it will be a mess just like yours....

[Athena]

Why should it be a mess like Lorenzo's? Your H has cheated several times, right? Serves him right (and yes, I know you didn't do it to punish him, but you certainly gave yourself the go-ahead)

 

I would be interested to see YOU start a thread on this.

 

How do you think your H would react? Clearly, you have forgiven him his affairs over and over, right?

So -- would he forgive you your affair, or would he cut you out of his life? What do you think?

 

Personally, I think it serves your H right, and the fact that you have been doing it for three years is surprising. I would have thought HE would be more perceptive to his W having an affair... How do you get away with it? I mean -- keep it secret?! The unexplained absences, the emotional distancing from him --?

 

Very curious to hear your answers. Would you start your own thread?

[desertmoon]

Hello Athena! thank you for your comments and questions. I have started another thread and would attempt to respond to your question there.

[Trimmer]

I have traded in one set of problems for another. If I could go back I would rather have my old problems back instead of what I am dealing with now. I should have divorced my stbx right away and not given the OM a second thought.

 

So instead of starting over with a clean slate I have a MW on my hands who is learning the ropes of being a cake eater. I actually feel sorry for her husband and feel I have dodged a bullet. How crazy is that?

Well, I don't know what else to tell you, but I will give you credit for having the stones to come back and lay it all out. I think a lot of times, posters just kind of "disappear" when things don't go their way in the face of alternate advice. Thanks for sharing your experience.

[Lorenzo76]

Lorenzo, well done for giving advice to your situation, it may help others in your place.

 

Tell me, what exactly did OM tell your parents in his letter to them? How does he explain that he is a 'broken man' now, when he did the same thing as you?

 

And -- do your parents not see the irony of the OM's bleating about your actions?

I mean, it's good that your parents expect nothing less from you than integrity and honor, and I get why they pushed you to drop the MW, but don't they see that the OM got what was coming?!

 

My parents could care less about OM. They are using him as a source of information to keep better tabs on me. OM has turned into quite the little PI and he e-mails them when OW and I break NC. As I posted before they are very religious and don't believe in taking revenge. They are really worried about me and since they are retired and nothing better else to do they have it their mission to interfer in my relationship with MW.

 

My parents referred to OM being "broken" because these last few months have taken a toll and he had to take a medical leave from work to deal with all the stress in his life. I guess when OW and I were playing house it almost put him over the edge so my parents say.

 

OW will not stop contacting me. I do not initatite any contact. I was doing good about ignoring her calls but then she shows up at my work. She would not leave until I spoke to her. So we talk and she misses me, can't stop thinking about me, and then asks me to go to a motel so we can have sex. I am sitting there looking at her and thinking what the hell did I ever see in this woman. She is worse than my stbxw. I was not lying I really do feel sorry for her BH.

 

I asked her what is the point of us carrying on like this when she is trying to make her marriage work. She said that her BH needs her and since I won't committ to her she wants the best of both worlds. She flat out admittted it. I respect her honesty but I told her she needed to get a grip. I told her to stay away from my work and me.

 

She is using me for sex and emotional support and she is using her husband for I don't know what. There has to be something in it for her. I realize now I never really knew her at all. She is terrible. She has this spinless man at home bending over backwards trying to make their marriage work and she is doing her best to try and get back in my bed. She has no shame.

[lkjh]

You are acting like a bigger fool now then you ever did. She is not using you for sex; she is using you to hurt her H so she can feel satisfied with her revenge. He can't let her(OW) go because he feels guilty for bringing this onto his family. You are still trying to beat him by believing she some how can not get enough of YOU, when in reality she just wants revenge against your wife and him.

[lkjh]

Once her H has had enough and leaves she will chase him like crazy and forget about you. Sorry but its true, she wants him but shes to hurt to take him back.

[blueintheface]

Wow i haven't been to this thread in ages ....

 

Truthfully though i kind of wanted to see how things would work out with revenge and i did hope you would get your fairytale (even though i doubted it) but i guess karma does overtime. The thing i would suggest to you is to get a vascectomy pronto since you dont want children. Her husband can't produce children, she wants them ... so where do you think she's going to get the sperm (because i didn't see you write that you said no to motel sex?). And btw, the crazy thing ..... You "helped" her out during a period where she was very vulnerable so in a way you were the cult she joined. Do you know how hard it is to quit that? She's not crazy. She's just not thinking straight because she's under an anger cloud and you definitely know how anger can cloud your insight and judgement so maybe you can be the better man this time and walk away, say no to sex, if all else fails put her in a religion so she has something to cling to instead of clinging on to you ....

 

Your parents are great though. They're like a moral compass that keeps beating you on the head until you submit. I understand the irritation though (because my parents are like that too) as you want to make your own choices in life. Make your choices then and quit being a pansy about it. Where's the take-action Lorenzo of the initial posts? I didn't agree with you but i did respect the fact that you weren't a wallowing in selfpity emo. Seriously take back your life and quit dragging out the drama ....

 

XX crosses fingers that the next post won't be "omg! the OW is pregnant with my baby!!" =P

[tomswife]

I am trying to make my marriage work but I am beginning to think the only way I can make it work is if I have an affair too. I have bonded so to speak with my wife's OP spouse. She is a knock out and we are attracted to each other. We have acknowledged the attraction but have yet to act on it. I think if we are ever alone again it will happen.

 

I know it's wrong but I want to have an affair with her. I want her husband and my wife to find out after the fact so they know the pain they inflicted on us. I want to be able to tell the OP to his face that I slept with his wife multiple times and that I have no intention of stopping. It's only a fantasy right now but if I really pursued her I could make it happen.

 

Anyone else been in a similar situation?

Easy way is to just switch spouse and swab houses.

[Athena]

Lorenzo, so it's been a while since you told us your divorce was going along amicably. How has your wife been acting toward you? Where are you living now? With W??

 

Are you tempted to reconcile with W?

Did she graduate?

Did she start her new job?

 

When does the divorce come through?

 

What is the OM up to with OW?

 

Did you already fall out of love with OW? You fell in love with her so hard and fast, you said it was so intense, now what do you feel?

 

How do you feel about the whole issue now? Are you glad you proceeded with divorce earlier, rather than wait until June next year?

 

What are the fallout effects on you NOW, at this point? Overall, are you 'okay' with having had the affair? Please update us.

[mental_traveller]

I am trying to make my marriage work but I am beginning to think the only way I can make it work is if I have an affair too. I have bonded so to speak with my wife's OP spouse. She is a knock out and we are attracted to each other. We have acknowledged the attraction but have yet to act on it. I think if we are ever alone again it will happen.

 

I know it's wrong but I want to have an affair with her. I want her husband and my wife to find out after the fact so they know the pain they inflicted on us. I want to be able to tell the OP to his face that I slept with his wife multiple times and that I have no intention of stopping. It's only a fantasy right now but if I really pursued her I could make it happen.

 

Anyone else been in a similar situation?

 

If I were in your situation - I have to admit, I would do it. I would give her a damn good seeing to as often as possible, then rub it in her husband's face and my soon-to-be ex-wife's face, saying how it was much better (which it probably would be). If she was hot enough and we got on, hell, I might even date her post-divorce too.

 

IMO if she is 7/10 or better, and you like her, then go for it. What have you got to lose apart from your cheating, frigid lying bitch of a wife?

 

In the words of Mike Muir "Two wrongs don't make a right, but oh they make me feel a whole lot better"

[Trimmer]

If I were in your situation - I have to admit, I would do it. I would give her a damn good seeing to as often as possible, then rub it in her husband's face and my soon-to-be ex-wife's face, saying how it was much better (which it probably would be). If she was hot enough and we got on, hell, I might even date her post-divorce too.

 

IMO if she is 7/10 or better, and you like her, then go for it. What have you got to lose apart from your cheating, frigid lying bitch of a wife?

 

In the words of Mike Muir "Two wrongs don't make a right, but oh they make me feel a whole lot better"

I realize that you're only riffing off the original post, but if you read further on into the thread at how this all developed and then came apart, it doesn't really seem like this has made him feel much better. Quite the contrary....

[Wicked Smile]

It will make us even. Until that happens I don't think I can even fathom taking her back for good. I am 97% sure we will get divorced either way. We have a long history and MY son does love her (she is the step parent) but he already has a mother.

 

I agree with the great advice you have been given. You are so blind with revenge and the need to "even the scoreboard" you have lost sight of the big picture. Is your marriage worth it? Did you love your wife and take your vows seriously? I doubt they said "Forsaking all others except when your wife becomes a dumbass and makes a huge mistake"

 

If you loved her and it was real. If this was something out of the ordinary for her then learn to forgive her. Forgiving doesn't mean thinking it didn't happen. It means loving her despite it.

 

You really need to take a moment, reflect on the good times and get it together. Revenge like knocking this man out seems better than sleeping with his wife. Yes this other man is SCUM but you are lowering yourself and making the same DUMB mistake she did regardless of motive.

 

Look back at your relationship. Figure out what might have been missing if anything. Focus on the thngs you CAN fix.

 

If you do this and you really loved her, I promise this will make you feel worse and bring you no lasting satisfaction. But it's your life man.

 

Trust me I went through this not long ago this very year. I had the opportunity to have revenge but I loved her and our life together. That meant more than any revenge to me. And so did my daughter.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Reggie]

This is such a crazy story. It sounds like your wife's cheating sent you off the deep end. No doubt, the pain and anguish associated with that type of betrayal makes folks nuts to some extent.

Sounds like there is damage all around, now. Have you given any thought to getting your child in counseling? This must be confusing as hell to the kid.

I wish you could have restrained yourself from acting on the normal desire for revenge. I know most folks seem to contemplate it. But, something clicks before they get to it and they do not follow through. Maybe you need to look at why this thing drove you so much harder than most folks in seeking revenge.

[shippy]

Dude, go on vacation. Leave town. Thailand, India, central America? Someplace sunny, warm, and affordable (air fare is expensive but everything else is cheap cheap cheap....[get a Lonely Planet]. Meet some fellow travelers. Have a fling. Wash 2008 out of your hair.

[shippy]

Really? Going out into the real world, open and free after a terrible year, is bad?

 

That is the kind of razor sharp insight i'd expect from someone who has made about 7.6 posts a day for the last year and four months.

 

You should consider a vacation yourself, seriously.

[anne1707]

Really? Going out into the real world, open and free after a terrible year, is bad?

 

That is the kind of razor sharp insight i'd expect from someone who has made about 7.6 posts a day for the last year and four months.

 

You should consider a vacation yourself, seriously.

 

 

Shippy

 

Have you read this thread in full? I suspect not hence the above post and your one recommending the OP to have a fling.

[desertmoon]

He had a fling, that's part of the problem.

 

 

He did not have a fling, he had a relationship-I believe deeper emotions were involved more than just"wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am"...they even lived together when Lorenzo left his parent's house.

 

I agree with Shippy, go travel, Lorenzo....have fun!

[SierraRose]

Revenge is best served cold and sweet; however...what your spouse did to you is her Karma-how you react is yours.

 

Honestly, if the M is over walk away with dignity Seeking revenge on her is only spinning a bigger web than already exists.

[shippy]

Shippy

 

Have you read this thread in full? I suspect not hence the above post and your one recommending the OP to have a fling.

 

Yes, I had read the thread in full. Go travel Lorenzo. Be free. Shed the guilt, start fresh, and enjoy your life. Have a fling if, whilst your out there, you have the chance. Just not with a married woman.

 

You all think he should become a monk because his wife had an affair and his reaction to the tremendous stress was some pretty bad behavior? No. You, Lorenzo, have been put through the ringer. Your family is not being supportive. The other man does not deserve another ounce of your precious energy. Get far away from the other woman, the other man, your x, and your family. The longer and farther the better.

 

This whole episode is so 2008.

 

YOU'RE FREE!!!!!!!!!