His ex, my best friends, and too many complications.

[smidgeon36]

I want to apologize. This is my first post here and it's going to be a long one. There is a lot of history, and so far I have not been able to make anyone understand my situation.

 

One thing I'd like to make clear up front: I trust my boyfriend. There is not a single doubt in my mind that if there is a ranking for "most trustworthy men on the planet" he is near the top. He doesn't lie, he hates cheating, and he is madly in love with me. I want no replies telling me he is cheating on me. I don't want anyone to try and tell me I can't trust him. Because it's just not true.

 

We have been dating seriously for a year and a half, we have spent about 8 months of that time apart at separate schools. Now I'm taking a year off school and will be living just a couple miles away from him. We've been in the same general geographic area since June.

 

Before we ever started dating we were good friends. For 4 years. His little brother is one of my closest friends. His family is the best one I've got. That's one of the reasons I say I trust him so much.

 

Of course, for 3 of those 4 years he was dating one of my best friends. They were very serious. They lived together, lost their virginity to each other. It was no joke. She left him for another guy, and completely crushed his heart.

 

About 4 months after he broke up with this girl he hooked up with one of his best friends for about a week. Right before he started dating he was trying to go out with her. About 3 months after his "hook up" week we started hooking up and about a month after that we declared ourselves a couple.

 

My friend wasn't ecstatic at first, but she has since gotten over it. And while our friendship was rocky for a while we're really close again - especially since we're going to be in the same town this year (my boyfriend went to his school originally to be with her).

 

His best friend/hook up girl has moved to Colorado. I don't like her. But I consider that all pretty irrelevant now. Though I was really disappointed in him when I heard that story. Especially because he didn't tell me until almost a year into our relationship, even though we'd had conversations about our past.

 

What I'm really worried about now, though, is him being such close friends with the girl he dated for so long. Even though she's one of MY best friends I don't feel comfortable with them hanging out when I'm not around.

 

I got really angry a couple weekends ago when we were all camped out at another friend's house and I felt like he was giving her more attention than me.

 

I'm pretty sure it's all in my head. He doesn't get to see her nearly as much as me, and they are really good friends, so of course he's going to joke around with her a bit and want to talk to her for a while when he gets to see her.

 

The real problem is, though, that I want to get an apartment with her in a few months. I need to figure out how to deal with her being around all the time. I need to be able to spend time with both of them and not feel jealous whenever he does something small and mildly flirtatious (he and I are both huge flirts, and he even tones it down significantly when she's around).

 

I've talked to him about it and he tends to just get frustrated because he doesn't know what he can do. I obviously want them to be friends, and want the three of us to be able to spend time together, but sometimes I worry that he might still be in love with her or he might wish I was more like her (the two of us are similar in a lot of aspects but VERY different as well). All these thoughts, are of course, foolish - as he has told me multiple times.

 

I know he loves ME, but I just can't stop worrying.

 

Any advice? Please?

[theobserver]

This is why people prefer not to date people their friends have been with it can cause some jealousy issues and destroy friendships. Your boyfriend seems to have done well for himself there always seems to be someone close by to his current gf that is willing to take him on.

 

Just as you were willing to date him after your friend and him split, and your other friend was willing to try it on with him just before you. Which you only found out about recently.

 

I think the fact you are alike to her is a fair fear he has "been with her" just like with your other friend you're all sharing a similar trait or you wouldn't be friends which is obviously attracting to him. You really will never know if she wants him still or if he wouldn't try and get some on the side given the right situations ie you happen to be out one night she's at the appartment alone etc. Can you really trust him as much as you think, hell can you trust her? If so why did you come to this forum?

 

I personally think you are playing with fire hey I understand we can't help who we sleep with and who are partners sleep with nor can we help if those people happen to be friends but while on a show like FRIENDS it might seem all cool and fun everyone having at some point slept with eachother and it not being a big deal in the real world it causes issues that eventually creep up. I think you should reconsider getting an apartment for her.

[Javelin]

 

One thing I'd like to make clear up front: I trust my boyfriend. There is not a single doubt in my mind that if there is a ranking for "most trustworthy men on the planet" he is near the top. He doesn't lie, he hates cheating, and he is madly in love with me. I want no replies telling me he is cheating on me. I don't want anyone to try and tell me I can't trust him. Because it's just not true.

 

The rest of your post tells us otherwise. If you truly trusted your boyfriend as much as you claim, then you would have no problem with your current situation, now would you?

 

That said, you have a case of trust & jealousy on your hands.

 

Any advice? Please?

 

1) Make sure you are with him when they hang out together. Make it clear that you want to be there, because their past makes you feel uneasy. Keep in mind, just because someone's your friend, doesn't mean that they are all that trustworthy. I've seen more cheating with so-called friends, then with strangers posted on this forum and it's pretty sad.

 

You said, " Our friendship was a bit rocky when you and your boyfriend started dating. "

 

He could be playing right into her hands, in a game of revenge. This is an extreme, but trust me... Humans are very vindictive creatures. While his intentions are probably harmless, hers might not be.

 

2) Do not move in with your best friend, period.

That is, unless you want to setup a perfect battlefield.

 

Hope that helps.

[sandrawg]

Do not move in with your best friend, period.

That is, unless you want to setup a perfect battlefield.

 

Hope that helps.

 

I agree. I'm not even sure why you'd even be CONSIDERING moving in with her, given how uncomfortable and insecure their friendship is making you feel, and understandably so. I don't care how much you trust your bf...guys hooking up with their exes is ALL too common.