Humiliated by husbands "so called friend"

[humiliated]

My commonlaw husband and I have been together for about 5 years now. We knew each other and worked together but were never anything more than friends back then. After my divorce, we hooked up and hit it off really well. His past kept haunting me with phonecalls from girls, young girls, constantly at all times of the day and he would say they were just like daughters to him. Finally I had him change his cell number and for a few years now things have been wonderful. Until we went to a 1 year olds b-day party where one of the girls that was phoning him happened to be there and consumed all his tiime while we were there, sitting next to him, never taking her eyes off him. He did not introduce me to her and when I asked him why he didn't he said he didn't think I wanted to be introduced to her because I didn't like her. We were about to leave and she got up and planted a wet one on him - not just a peck - but he came away from that embrace totally red in the face and didn't think anything about it. When I confronted him in the car he didn't say anything, he never does, he just goes quiet. He never offered any apology or explanation as to what that was all about. His entire family, parents, siblings and children were all there and saw this. I have never been so humiliated in my entire life. Has anyone gone through this and had to deal with it. It's been a few days now and I'm still sick about it.

[EnigmasMuse]

My commonlaw husband and I have been together for about 5 years now. We knew each other and worked together but were never anything more than friends back then. After my divorce, we hooked up and hit it off really well. His past kept haunting me with phonecalls from girls, young girls, constantly at all times of the day and he would say they were just like daughters to him. Finally I had him change his cell number and for a few years now things have been wonderful. Until we went to a 1 year olds b-day party where one of the girls that was phoning him happened to be there and consumed all his tiime while we were there, sitting next to him, never taking her eyes off him. He did not introduce me to her and when I asked him why he didn't he said he didn't think I wanted to be introduced to her because I didn't like her. We were about to leave and she got up and planted a wet one on him - not just a peck - but he came away from that embrace totally red in the face and didn't think anything about it. When I confronted him in the car he didn't say anything, he never does, he just goes quiet. He never offered any apology or explanation as to what that was all about. His entire family, parents, siblings and children were all there and saw this. I have never been so humiliated in my entire life. Has anyone gone through this and had to deal with it. It's been a few days now and I'm still sick about it.

 

You need to stand up for yourself. Lay ground rules on what's acceptable and what's not. If he continues to do things that are not acceptable, show him the door. You need to make yourself heard and that you follow through with what you tell him.

 

You say young girls, like how young? When she kissed your husband infront of others, she not only made a slut out of herself but an ass out of him. Well he did that to himself. How much more are you willing to put up with?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Just incase you have to endure a similar situation again, just have a plan.

 

A very intended, over exagerated step forward, a strong handshake, an emormous smile, and the most friendly, "Hi, I'm "humiliated", have we met?" How do you know "Mr humiliated"? "What cute shoes, where on earth did you find them?" "What a great party, I hope they got some great pics" "Speaking of pics, we just purchase this great camera" on and on and on and she wouldn't have one minute to spend staring into his eyes or having conversation. And you without a chip on your shoulder just "Mrs. Chatty Cathy", scarily outgoing and no backing down.

 

As for the kiss, I would have been standing so close behind her that my breasts would have been in her back then spun her around and given her a great big hug and a big wet kiss. That's what friends do right????

 

Now you've accomplished a few things. No one can say for a minute that you weren't friendly as hell, she won't have the time to spend chatting up your husband and will steer clear when every you happen to be around, and your boyfriend may possibly avoid these types of situatations to keep you from reacting "crazy-like" in the future.

[PandorasBox]

OH wow you must be married to Mr. Casanova! Or so he thinks anyway.

 

Where were you while this girl was sitting beside your husband? You could have gone up to her and introduced yourself, and said "Hi I'm (insert name) wife and you are?"

 

Ask your husband what he wants from the marriage and make sure you let him know, other girls are not part of the marriage deal. Ask him how much he wants to help save it, because he is about to lose it.

[whichwayisup]

How young is young?

 

It's obvious he hasn't made it clear to this young girl or any other girl that he is NOT available. Keep in mind that he more than likely has strung this chick along - So don't hate her, if anything, feel sorry for her because your common-law H is acting totally inappropriately.

 

Talk to him, find out what exactly is going on. If he stays quiet and doesn't want to open up with you, then you need to take some time and think if HE is what you really want. Imagine another few years down the road, him flirting and talking to younger chicks..Possibly allowing it to turn into something else, like a fling. Not good..

[Ronni_W]

he came away from that embrace totally red in the face and ... He never offered any apology ...I'm still sick about it.

I would read "red in the face" as he was clearly embarrassed. And I'm not sure that he ought to be held responsible for something that some other nutcase did.

 

But. He could have stood up for himself, and said something to her right after her idiotic display (unless maybe he was just too flabbergasted and just wanted to get out of there in a hurry?) And he could apologize for having allowed her to monopolize him the whole time, instead of also paying attention to you and others who were present.

 

Have you told him that, next time, you will prefer to be introduced to his friends whether or not he knows/thinks you dislike them? And that, next time, you trust that he will be more assertive and not just let others control/manipulate how he acts in public?

 

After letting him know exactly what I expect "next time", how I'd try to make it right within myself is to cut him some slack due to the fact that he was so embarrassed that it left him speechless. And that he is lacking some assertiveness skills (tries to be too much of a 'Mr. Nice Guy'.) Those are the types of thoughts I'd use, to try to overcome my own feelings of humiliation and being 'sick'.

Otherwise, I'd have to dump him eventually cos I wasn't able let it go.

[humiliated]

Ronni, I agree that he was embarrased and he is too much of a "nice guy" he has a hard time saying no to people, but he should have never let her kiss him. A simple hug as "old friends" would have been sufficient. I have made it very clear that what he did was unacceptable and I've never been so humiliated or embarrased in my life, let alone his family. This girl is a married woman with children who apparently has no morals.

Just how far does a guy go when he's just being a nice guy? We had such a perfect life together until this past weekend. I can't eat, sleep, haven't spoken to each other and that being said, if he's not willing to talk about it maybe he doesn't think what happened is wrong at all??

I appreciate your comments Ronni. Makes me feel a little better to talk to someone about it.

[JackJack]

Ronni, I agree that he was embarrased and he is too much of a "nice guy" he has a hard time saying no to people, but he should have never let her kiss him. A simple hug as "old friends" would have been sufficient. I have made it very clear that what he did was unacceptable and I've never been so humiliated or embarrased in my life, let alone his family. This girl is a married woman with children who apparently has no morals.

Just how far does a guy go when he's just being a nice guy? We had such a perfect life together until this past weekend. I can't eat, sleep, haven't spoken to each other and that being said, if he's not willing to talk about it maybe he doesn't think what happened is wrong at all??

I appreciate your comments Ronni. Makes me feel a little better to talk to someone about it.

 

 

How much of a "nice guy" is he?

 

Embarassed or not, he could have stood his ground and he didn't. He didn't bother to introduce you, because he "assumed" you didn't want him to. He didn't because HE didn't want to. INstead of him sitting there with her, he should have gotten his butt up and hung out with YOU his wife, threw his arm around you made it known to her who you were and you all had a good relationship like you said you did. Plus since he is unwilling to discuss things should say something too. I doubt its about embarassment.

[Javelin]

You need to leave him and let him have his 100 and 1 woman.

[Ronni_W]

, but he should have never let her kiss him.

From your original post, it didn't seem like she gave him very much choice in the matter. She just came off like a nutjob, really. I do think he has some responsibility in allowing himself to be monopolized the entire time, but I can't see making him responsible for her inappropriate behaviour.

 

I've been on the receiving end of an unwanted kiss that I just really didn't see coming. (Afterwards, yeah...I was just stoopid to NOT see it but, at the time, it totally took me by surprise.)

 

For someone who is lacking assertiveness, it feels like the only way out is to shut-up and pretend it didn't happen...and hope it was invisible to everyone else. It's not necessarily how we would handle such a situation, but I do get how it is for them.

 

If it is true that this is the ONLY incident and bone of contention in your otherwise perfect life, I strongly urge, encourage, suggest and recommend that you find a different perspective...fast!

 

Do NOT give this idiotic woman the power to manipulate and control YOU to the point of letting her brainless, immature act screw-up your self-confidence and your relationship. Please do not do that.

[D-Lish]

We had such a perfect life together until this past weekend. I can't eat, sleep, haven't spoken to each other and that being said, if he's not willing to talk about it maybe he doesn't think what happened is wrong at all??

 

You sort of intimated that things didn't start off that perfect...

That you had trust issues in the beginning with regard to him and young girls.

 

Having said that- we all know women like that- the attention whore types. I know so many men that are thrown off by this kind of woman.

 

I had a friend that used to make a point of hitting on any new guy that came around. That included being overly flirtatious and overtly sexual with any new man I brought around- including my ex-husband. She jumped on his lap and wiggled around and dragged him onto the dance floor to grind with him the first time I brought him to a group function. he was mortified... I was used to it. She was married- but it never stopped her from needing attention from every other woman's man in the room. I'd chalk it up to her being "that kind of girl"... and him being "totally thrown off".

 

I never stepped in when she would pull this crap... (she was actually my guy-friend's wife)... mostly because I wasn't threatened by her. The guys in our group were never flattered by her advances- they were scared of her. She did this with every single guy I brought around- and all the guys acted in the same way your husband did. thet were confused, embarrassed, and at a loss on how to handle a woman like that.

 

Yes, the duty fell on your husband to get up, leave her be and come to your side. I think you need to let him know that next time something like that happens- he needs to do that.

 

Do you have trust other than this situation?

 

I suspect she was so over-bearing in her flirting and advances that he was too stunned and confused to handle it.

[In Like Flynn]

Can you be common law in only five years??? I thought it took 10 years of co-habitating without any breaks for that??

[norajane]

he just goes quiet.

 

Oh, I'll bet he hates it when you're upset with him. He doesn't know what to say or do to make you feel better, so he says nothing. And that makes you even more upset.

 

 

I can't eat, sleep, haven't spoken to each other and that being said, if he's not willing to talk about it maybe he doesn't think what happened is wrong at all??

 

How does he usually handle it when you are upset with him? Does he withdraw or does he talk about it with you? Is he free with his apologies, or is it difficult for him to say he's sorry?

 

You haven't spoken to the guy in 3 days - he gets it that he did something to upset you. But if he's not a talker, he won't suddenly become one, so keep that in mind when you think of your present and future with him. You can try to get him to open up - including telling you that he's sorry he hurt you - but it will always be a struggle.

[sweet&simple]

I agree that you shouldn't hold him responsible for her actions.. if he was embarrassed and caught of guard with her throwing herself at him for a kiss, it doesn't sound like he had much choice in the matter.

 

The only thing you can stress to him is how not okay it was for him to allow her to have his full attention the whole time.

 

Is this the first time they've communicated in a while? You said you had his number changed.. so if they haven't talked and there's been no issues, I would consider this some weird fluke of a thing.

[theobserver]

In Canada you're common-law after 1yr of co-habitation with no breaks, I think US is similar but varys state to state infact I don't think all states recognise it, also co-habitation seems to be about 2 years minimum over there, though you need to be financially connected. Shared bank accounts, shared lease/home ownership/rent etc, things you'd expect of a married couple minus the certificate and ofcourse consider eachother as husband and wife to yourself and friends minus the papers.

 

Just throwing that out there.

 

As for your man, he knows he's done wrong but as someone said above if he's a quiet one it's unlikely he's going to be very verbal to apologise, don't be so hard.

 

I've definently had situations where I don't introduce my partner or vice versa because we truely do not like the person in question and would rather just talk to others etc but respect that it's our partners friend.

 

Yes what she did was childish and disrespectful but he didn't make her kiss him I know air-heads that do dumb things like that all the time don't worry about it BUT DO keep an eye on him if you must but don't let it consume you. Considering his family and friends were there I doubt he wanted her to do that but hopefully this will show him that some of these girls are becoming too attached to him and have fallen for their "mentor".

 

 

I've had similar situations with young girls and one guy (curse by good looks and charms crossing the gener line) and sadly had to cut them off and set them straight that I'm not interested etc and this is unprofessional and disrespectful to me and my partner. Your hubby might not be the type to speak out like that but hopefully he's had a talk with her privately that it was wrong.

 

Best of luck.

[humiliated]

Yes in Canada it's after 1 year of living together. As for the problem - it's pretty well been solved. Guess I held it in too long and confronted him as soon as he came home. He knows he should have done something and apologized profusely - I know he loves me but is too much of a nice guy to hurt someone else's feelings. What I had him do is call her right then and there and tell her never to do that to him again. He told her he put both himself and I in a very awkward position and it won't be tolerated. She was speechless. And to top it off I made him use my cell phone so if she did decide to try to get in touch with him guess who she's going to get??? Thanks for all your comments and suggestions. Much appreciated. Signed "no longer humiliated!"

[carhill]

I sincerely hope for your peace of mind that life and his behavior change are that simple

[Ronni_W]

As for the problem - it's pretty well been solved.

"NoLongerHumiliated",

Glad to hear the issue has been resolved to your satisfaction! With any luck, it will have helped him understand that it's okay for him to put his own feelings and preferences ahead of others...in this case, by doing that he'd not have ended up triggering your hurt feelings, either.

Wishing you both a long and happy time together.