SmartWoman321 Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 Ok- interested in opinions- H and I seperated for 8 plus months, filed last month. Main reason, I am not in love with him and I have stayed with him for many years for all the wrong reasons (security,parenting,assets) while living seperate lives with no connections at all. He was happy that way. I was not. After seeing a therapist, I finally got up the courage to tell him I wanted the seperation and eventually, the D. He still doesn't want it, rocks his world too much. I have felt relief sinse he has been moved out, although we are amicable and talk almost every day about the kids or whatever. Nothing much has changed sinse he moved out, except no man in my bed at night. No big deal, we didn't pay attention to each other much there either. He says he wants to "try". I agreed to see an MC (again) withhim, just to be "sure" that this is the right thing for me. Don't want it to be said I didn't cover all bases. But I am wondering- what does he mean by saying he wants to "try"? try WHAT? He knows I am not in love with him- and honestly, some romanatic attraction and chemistry are now my requirements for a relationship-even thought hey were not before. Why would he want to "try" anything with someone who says point blank they don't love him in anyway but like a brother? Is that strange or what? Try to make me fall in love with him? Obviously this question will come out at the MC next week. But I am baffled. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 Did you in fact have no romantic interest in him and no physical chemistry even when you married? Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 Because he is thinking that there is something in you that still might have these feelings for him. Why goto MC if you are sure? This is just giving him false hope. Men have a tendency of looking into things way too much when it comes to situations like this. Perhaps you two just talking is enough for him to think this way, who knows. However by you going along with it, you are just allowing him to think even more in this direction. What do you exactly want? What are you hoping to get out of this? Link to post Share on other sites
mscomplex Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 Sounds like he is wanting to try to rekindle something he feels was once there. Are you saying it never was? He is hopeful that if you once loved him a little push in the right direction could remind you of how good that felt and you will love him again. If you do not think you can, the MC will keep him holding on and hoping for something that is not there. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 What would be surprising...would be that he could actually create romantic attraction and physical chemistry. Remarkable and profound changes occur. Link to post Share on other sites
dead-dyke Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 Did you in fact have no romantic interest in him and no physical chemistry even when you married? I guess your theory may be correct after all......... Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 I guess your theory may be correct after all......... The hint (or puzzle) for me is the word "relief" about someone moving out. My STBXW used this too - not when she moved out of the house but when she moved into the guest room. Then she waited another 4 months to move out of the house and was in no rush to do so - I think she would have stayed as platonic roommates long-term if I had agreed. So why the "relief"? All I can conclude is that she no longer has to pretend she wants to sleep with me. Interestingly... she told me that she thought when all was over I would thank her for what she has done. I didn't understand it. But the first time I had sex with someone after we separated I think I did understand. It didn't turn into long-term relationship but this woman was so much more enthusiastic about sex than I ever, ever remember of my STBXW. Ditto with another woman I met and saw for a couple months (a rebound relationship I suppose). So perhaps I will indeed thank my STBXW one day. Well no, I won't considering what I see my kids going through. Sleeping with all the 25-year-old women in my state still wouldn't be worth seeing my kids go through that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SmartWoman321 Posted September 15, 2008 Author Share Posted September 15, 2008 What do I expect to get out of it? Maybe just some closure. Perhaps it will help him understand better why I need to do this. Perhaps it will help us learn to talk to each other better. Maybe it will show him once and for all that I cannot go back and cannot be forced to be in love with him romantically. I don't know. Maybe one time is all it will take. Maybe not. And perhaps I convinced myself that I was in love with him when I married him- I wanted to be so badly- but I think I have known inside all along- but decided to risk it and hoped that it would grow. But it never did. So I faked it all along, hoping I would "feel" it eventually. And everything else was good, so we weren't miserable. But I was crying inside all along, desperate to feel something for this man besides brotherly love. Never happened. I just can't do it anymore. I think, like the poster above mentioned in his story- that someday he will thank me-for releasing him from this charade. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SmartWoman321 Posted September 15, 2008 Author Share Posted September 15, 2008 oh- an also- the "relief" I mentioned I have felt when he moved out and ever sinse, is just the relief from being depressed and sad every single day about this person in my house that I was married to that I had no connection with, no conversations of substance with, no romantic interest in---all of that frustration and worry and guilt. ALOT of guilt. Now I don't have any of that stuff (well, the guilt still).... thats what I meant. Does anyone "get" that? Link to post Share on other sites
mscomplex Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 oh- an also- the "relief" I mentioned I have felt when he moved out and ever sinse, is just the relief from being depressed and sad every single day about this person in my house that I was married to that I had no connection with, no conversations of substance with, no romantic interest in---all of that frustration and worry and guilt. ALOT of guilt. Now I don't have any of that stuff (well, the guilt still).... thats what I meant. Does anyone "get" that? I understand completely. Thanks for the clarification. It must truly be a miserable feeling being in a relationship with someone waiting for years to fall in love. It sucks for him since he is in love with you but you are on the other hand neglecting your own happiness. I have resolved in my self that I do not want anyone in my life who does not want to be there. You are doing the right thing by finally letting him go. It frees him to find someone who does love him as well as allows you the opportunity to feel the magic of real love. I often say, I do not want someone to stay with me just because I am a good person. I want to really love and be loved back. It does take courage to be honest and let him go. I wish you well and hope that you will find true love someday. It sucks to be dumped but I agree, he will look back one day and see the value in your decision. You cannot be mad at someone for confessing to not "feeling it" for you. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted September 15, 2008 Share Posted September 15, 2008 You cannot be mad at someone for confessing to not "feeling it" for you. Not quite - it shifts the anger. At first I told my STBXW that I would like an apology for her affair. Now I realize that was misguided - I should instead ask her for an apology for marrying me in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
lovely81 Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 Smartwoman, I have been following your posts. I think you need to stop talking to your husband. I think by talking to him, you are encouraging him. I know you seem to feel like you guys can be friends and that is what you want, but he probably feels like you are sending him mixed signals. Just cut it off, you are only hurting him more by being so civil. Link to post Share on other sites
dead-dyke Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 - I should instead ask her for an apology for marrying me in the first place. *ouch* .......May come in handy one day, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SmartWoman321 Posted September 16, 2008 Author Share Posted September 16, 2008 Smartwoman, I have been following your posts. I think you need to stop talking to your husband. I think by talking to him, you are encouraging him. I know you seem to feel like you guys can be friends and that is what you want, but he probably feels like you are sending him mixed signals. Just cut it off, you are only hurting him more by being so civil. Oh my gosh , I could never do that- we NEED to talk daily- we are both very involved with the kids and communication is important. Plus, I am the only friend he has in this town, and besides that, I care about him very much. No, I will always be here for him, as a parenting partner and a freind. he is getting used to it. His parents were divorced for 25 years and were best friends all thru it- so to us, it is a normal thing. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 A friend? A friend doesn't do what you did. Doesn't make him live a lie for so many years and bring children into this world with it. A friend doesn't deceive a partner for their entire marriage. A friend doesn't do what you did. You should feel guilt and alot of it. What you did was very wrong. You were very, very selfish in marrying someone and THEN thinking you would fall in love with him. You lied during your vows. So if you think you can continue to be a 'friend' to him and help him through this 'hard time' which YOU created, think again. Let him go, don't try to be his 'friend' anymore. It will only cause him to get hurt even more. Let him go so he can find someone who will truly love him. I think you need IC. You have alot of issues yourself that you need to resolve. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SmartWoman321 Posted September 16, 2008 Author Share Posted September 16, 2008 A friend? A friend doesn't do what you did. Doesn't make him live a lie for so many years and bring children into this world with it. A friend doesn't deceive a partner for their entire marriage. A friend doesn't do what you did. You should feel guilt and alot of it. What you did was very wrong. You were very, very selfish in marrying someone and THEN thinking you would fall in love with him. You lied during your vows. So if you think you can continue to be a 'friend' to him and help him through this 'hard time' which YOU created, think again. Let him go, don't try to be his 'friend' anymore. It will only cause him to get hurt even more. Let him go so he can find someone who will truly love him. I think you need IC. You have alot of issues yourself that you need to resolve. ******************************* wow-what a response! Actually, I just finished up 8 months of IC and it was great! I don't need to "try" to be his friend, we ARE friends. A lot of people get married for reasons other than love, that is not a crime. And he wanted what I wanted as well, so it was ok. I have become very level headed, strong and clear minded thru my IC and even though our situation is sad, it's not as bad as most. My ex and I CAN continue to be "friends" simply because that is all we have known for 15 years.....and thats ok. Its not like what most of you on this board are going thru, breaking up with a passionate love relationship.....really, the only difference in our relationship at all is that he doesn't live here anymore. Other than that, everything else is pretty much the same. Do I have guilt? Yes- not for marrying him, but for staying with him for so long when I knew I didn't love him like I should. But you know what? He KNEW that- and he chose to stay also- so...... there were some things that he could have done also - to perhaps speak my "love language" (something we learned about in MC)- but he chose not to. He has some responsibility for this too you know. PS- have you ever heard of arranged marriages? TONS of them everyday in this world- this is where people marry for certain reasons and then expect/hope to fall in love as the years go by (and most of the time they do!) I went to college with a guy from Palestine and this is what he did- and it worked! So yes, it CAN and does work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SmartWoman321 Posted September 16, 2008 Author Share Posted September 16, 2008 oh- and one more thing- when I married him I THOUGHT I was "in love"- again, perhaps because I wanted be be so much....it wasn't until much later that I had the full realization of what my feelings actually were. And instead of growing more in love, we grew apart, and, whatever "love" (romantic) that might have been there in the beginning, lessened into a platonic friendship. Again, he was ok with that- I wasn't. This is , in essence, why we seperated and why we have filed. He feels the same- he isn't "in love" with me - per say- either- but he is ok with living in a marriage based on convenience and friendship- like roommates. He doesn't mind if we live seperate lives in the same house. I do mind. Thats what it really boils down to. I am sure I can't be the only one in a situation like this. Link to post Share on other sites
3grlzmom Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 You are definitely not the only one in a situation like this. I lived in a marriage based on pure convenience for MANY years. It didn't start out that way, but when things should have ended, my ex and I just kept going for the wrong reasons. He would have lived like that forever, but I finally had to get out. I think the only hope you have for the type of friendly relationship you want is if he faces the same thing you have - convenience has nothing to do with hapiness. As far as the guilt you feel for staying in it - let that go too. You can't undo it. Forgive yourself, forgive him, and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
GettingThere Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 Nope defo not the only person - me too! Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 Oh my gosh , I could never do that- we NEED to talk daily- we are both very involved with the kids and communication is important. Plus, I am the only friend he has in this town, and besides that, I care about him very much. No, I will always be here for him, as a parenting partner and a freind. Huh? You care about him very much and you utterly devastated his life? With friends like that.... Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 And he wanted what I wanted as well, so it was ok. But you know what? He KNEW that- and he chose to stay also- so...... Did he know that you did not love him before you got married or afterwards? If he knew it before the marriage, then I retract my other post - to each his/her own. But if he thought you loved him at the time you married him, then the fault here is 100% yours and 0% his. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SmartWoman321 Posted September 16, 2008 Author Share Posted September 16, 2008 Huh? You care about him very much and you utterly devastated his life? With friends like that.... yes, I do care about him that much and yes, I know both our lives are turned upside down over this, I feel bad about that, I wish there was some other way. But its just not right for us to stay in a marriage when we are living seperate lives and there is no hope for romantic interest. Not fair to either of us. I care about him like I care about my brother. I wouldn't want to be married to my brother either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SmartWoman321 Posted September 16, 2008 Author Share Posted September 16, 2008 Did he know that you did not love him before you got married or afterwards? If he knew it before the marriage, then I retract my other post - to each his/her own. But if he thought you loved him at the time you married him, then the fault here is 100% yours and 0% his. he knew that I thought I loved him, because I thought I did. And either way, the fault is never 100% one persons (unless there is an abuse case, obviously). there are things he could have done to improve the marriage and he did not try, even during MC. When we married, I THOUGHT I loved him. I was young and I was wrong. Or maybe I DID love him, in a way that I thought was good enough. Either way, doesn't matter now- what matters is doing the right thing- and the right thing is to let him know how I feel now, which I have, and go our seperate ways, which we are. Luckily though, we have been living as friends only for about 10 years, so this is relatively easy for us as far as communicating about the kids and co-parenting together. Again, nothing much has really changed in our relationship in the 8 months he moved out, just his physical presense. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SmartWoman321 Posted September 16, 2008 Author Share Posted September 16, 2008 one more thing- when I married him, I knew I didn't feel the passionate love for him that I had felt in previousl love relationships. But I thought I felt enough to make it work and to be happy. I was wrong. Guess thats a big "oops". What can I say, I was young and wanted to be married. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 I wouldn't want to be married to my brother either. Well I guess the key here is as you pointed out that he also fell out of love with you. That seems to be what makes it so mutual. If he were in love with you but you did not have that feeling for him, then I think the situation might well be different [as is my case]. Link to post Share on other sites
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