n9688m Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 because I can afford to pay the mortgage and he cannot. Huh? Why don't you pay him alimony? It sounds like you caused this mess. If you dont' want to make him unhappy, why not help him out financially? By the way - maybe I'm reaching but here goes anyway... did either of you have an affair prior to his moving out? Link to post Share on other sites
Biggie25x Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 So according to some people, living in a relationship that is just not doing it for one partner is fine. Just stick it out. Maybe you have to ask yourself if they can relate to the guy here because they treat their wife like that and thinks it's okay. I wonder.... Again, at twelve most children can process this divorce, especially if both parents can remain friends to get them through it. She stuck it out for the kids to get to that point. Only she can judge if her children can handle it or not. Therapy is not the bad guy here, she's not the bad guy here, he's not the bad guy here, it's the situation that's bad. Sometimes it just doesn't work out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SmartWoman321 Posted September 16, 2008 Author Share Posted September 16, 2008 Huh? Why don't you pay him alimony? It sounds like you caused this mess. If you dont' want to make him unhappy, why not help him out financially? By the way - maybe I'm reaching but here goes anyway... did either of you have an affair prior to his moving out? actually I DO pay him alimony- not court ordered, but he needs it to pay his bills, so I happily offered to help him out. I don't want any undo hardship on him. I didn't cause this mess at all, you don't know the whole story- but we are both responsible and we both take our share of the responsibility- luckily, our IC has helped us to do this. And no, no affairs at all- but I came close to wanting to seek one out, I was so starved for love and attention. (he didn't feel a need to seek one out because he is ok with no love or attention). Luckily, we seperated before anything really messy like that happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SmartWoman321 Posted September 16, 2008 Author Share Posted September 16, 2008 So according to some people, living in a relationship that is just not doing it for one partner is fine. Just stick it out. Maybe you have to ask yourself if they can relate to the guy here because they treat their wife like that and thinks it's okay. I wonder.... Again, at twelve most children can process this divorce, especially if both parents can remain friends to get them through it. She stuck it out for the kids to get to that point. Only she can judge if her children can handle it or not. Therapy is not the bad guy here, she's not the bad guy here, he's not the bad guy here, it's the situation that's bad. Sometimes it just doesn't work out. ******** thank you biggie, and actually we took the kids to therapy twice when we first seperated but the therapist said they are doing fine and don't need to come back. We are making the emotional welfare of the kids our number one priority- he is a great dad and staying very involved, we are working together on EVERYTHING as far as the kids go- we talk about them each day, etc. Its the only thing we have in common, actually and they are the glue that has held us together in this marriage for so many years, so we have become quite good at being parenting partners- its the only thing we actually have in common and enjoy doing together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SmartWoman321 Posted September 16, 2008 Author Share Posted September 16, 2008 I suspect that is a roundabout way of saying he didn't bother to ask you because he knew you would say no. well, possibly- I can't really get into sex when there is nothing going on in it except - well, the actual act. Nothing leading to it or anything. Again, we explaored this in therapy as well- nothing changed, so I sort of gave up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SmartWoman321 Posted September 16, 2008 Author Share Posted September 16, 2008 Well I need to be careful not to project my or other situations on you. I presume when you say nothing could change it that means you discussed this frankly with your husband directly and in good faith tried marriage counseling and sex therapy to be sure it really was irreconcilable. If so then yes, I agree with what you say. But you seem somewhat hesitant or unsure about whether your husband loves you or whether he enjoys sex so I wonder - did you diligently go to counseling and/or diligently ask him to go to counseling in a way they he knew how unhappy you were and that you were thinking of leaving him? The reason I am asking such pointed questions is that it seems in other cases - including mine - there was no such attempt at counseling until BOOM - one day the bomb dropped, an affair was already underway, and everything was irreconcilable. Perhaps your situation is different. ****************** oh yes, let me assure you, we were in and out of MC and SC for years. All of it was explored. There was no stone left unturned. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 oh yes, let me assure you, we were in and out of MC and SC for years. All of it was explored. There was no stone left unturned. OK well in that case I can understand and respect your situation - everyone did their best and it just didn't work out. C'iest La vie. Frankly that's the way a lot of walkaway wife spouses [myself included] wish their STBXW had handled the situation. Sorry if I misjudged at first. Link to post Share on other sites
GettingThere Posted September 17, 2008 Share Posted September 17, 2008 Wow! I can't believe how judgemental people are being to you SW123!! I totally understad what you've said - lived pretty much the same life myself and sometimes you HAVE to break out and move on and you absolutely do have a right to happiness!! You can't stay in a marriage and be unhappy just so the other person is happy!?? What sense does that make? My STBX and I get on well and our kids are also fine and I think the reason that you and I can be calm and rational about everything is because we DID try!! We stayed as long as we could. We didn't want to hurt the other person!! Put it this way - my STBX was devestated when we spearated, but still managed to move on and find someone else in less than 4 months. He deserves a chance to be happy with someone that is actually really into him and doesn't look on him as just a best frind or brother and so do I! You have my support SW123 Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted September 17, 2008 Share Posted September 17, 2008 I think the reason that you and I can be calm and rational about everything is because we DID try!! That does indeed appear to be the key. A lot of the walkaway wife situations described here (mine included) blindsided the husbands. The wives had emotionally left and moved onto an affair before even marriage counseling was considered. That is a recipe for long-term resentment. Indeed if my STBXW had come to me without an affair and suggested we go to counseling and after a reasonable try at counseling things just weren't reconcilable, then yes, I can see where things could have turned out much more amiable. Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDad Posted September 17, 2008 Share Posted September 17, 2008 ditto - same thing Link to post Share on other sites
verytired Posted September 18, 2008 Share Posted September 18, 2008 me too. i was willing to try, to understand, to even let go for the greater good, if only i had been consulted instead of insulted. Link to post Share on other sites
dead-dyke Posted September 19, 2008 Share Posted September 19, 2008 I absolutely love that - "consulted, not INsulted". That is so perfect. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts