caught him, but he won't confess

[Jennifer815]

Hi everyone, I'm new to this board. I'm so glad I found it. None of my friends are able to offer first handed experience or objective opions.

 

My boyfriend/soon-to-be-X and I have been together in a semi-long distance(100 miles) relationship for a year now. For some reason over the last few months I've had a gut feeling that he has been cheating on me. I of course voiced my concers to him and he denied ever cheating and got a little too defensive for my comfort so I decided to do a little snooping around. I noticed that his AIM name and password were saved on my computer so I thought I'd get on to see if any girl would send him a message that would reveal if he was unfaithful. (I know signing on wasn't the most mature thing to do, but you do what you have to in order to find the truth sometimes) A girl sent him an IM and said something about him being a good kisser and later mentioned something about performing oral on him. To prevent having to admit I signed on his acct. I made up a fake name and pretended to be my boyfriend and talked to her. I found out everything, where they met, when this happened, the whole nine yards. From what I gathered this was a one time thing and shortly after it happened he had to take a 'break' to figure out if he really wanted to be with me, but we got back together. Now I know the real reason behind the whole 'break BS.

 

The next time I talked to him I questioned him again and he got even more defensive and indignant than ever. Even said I'm questioning his sincerity and charactor So I mentioned something about talking to a girl online who claimed they had done things together and he got so furious at me. He said I was giving him a headache and got offline right after that. Wouldn't he want to know who it was who had told me this? That would be my first question but not his, hmmm....

 

So I haven't really talked to him since then and that was 5 days ago. I tried calling but he said he was busy and couldn't talk then hung up without even saying bye. I'm wondering if yall think I should email the conversation I had with this girl to him or just tell him I know and have proof but not show him the proof. I would like to meet up with him so I can tell if the excuse he makes up for it is a lie or not but I doubt he'll agree to meet up. Any input you might have on this horrible situation would be appreciated...Thanks!

[yes]

i think he already IS your EX-boyfriend. he cheated, now he's plain avoiding you, AND being extremely rude by hanging up on you. what more info about his 'character' do you need? be gone!

 

if i were u, i wdn't answer his phone calls or emails or anything else, - simply cross him out of your life, and look for somebody with real character!

 

good luck,

-yes

[midori]

You already have. His behavior says it all: I'M GUILTY AND I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

 

Given that, no reconciliation is possible. He's probably too immature to deal with the fact that he wronged you. It's never OK, but a mature person who truly loved you and just made a mistake would be proactive in trying to get things resolved. He would want to talk to you -- you wouldn't have to chase him down, or try to engage him in a discussion by presenting evidence.

 

I don't know how old you are, but your guy sounds like he's still very much a boy, with a lot of growing up to do. Chalk this one up to experience: your instincts are pretty sound. That's a good thing to know.

 

Long-distance relationships are tough. Try to find someone closer to home.

 

And erase this guy from your life. He might come around in a little while, somewhat contrite but not fully owning up to all of the mistakes he's made. But he won't take full responsibility I'll bet, and so he'd be a complete waste of your time. A waste of time who lives 100 miles away. You can do better than that.

[STALLION21]

Jennifer,

If he is not man enough to admit what he did and apologize. F$#* him sweetie!

[Jennifer815]

Thanks everyone. That got kinda long even though I tried to keep it short so thanks for taking time to read and reply.

 

Midori-- Believe it or not, this guy is 22 (btw: I'm 19). Up until I found this out he's always acted mature and more like his age instead of like some teenager.

 

This relationship is over and I even referred to him as my ex today, so that's a step. I just wish he would confess and take responsibility for his actions but that's got the same as a snowballs chance in hell. I really want to email the conversation I had with her but I'm thinking I'm just going to stop contact with him. I'll be hard to do but I'm going back to school this week and should be able to get my mind off this.

 

Thanks again everyone!

[SmallnSad]

Good job, Jennifer!

 

He must feel like a real idiot. Talking to you about character and sincerity. Talk about pulling out all the stops only to be shot down. He'd hiding from you because he feels like a dumb ass in your eyes. No one wants to surround themselves with people who have negative feelings to wards them.

 

I think everyone is right, he is immature. If he was mature enough to face his mistakes, and accept your righteous indignation, then you would know he cared about you and wasn't just in this relationship for the simple and selfish reasons of always having someone on the sidelines who loves him but doesn't demand too much.

 

Good luck with moving on. You've done the right thing. I know it's hard, but keep your chin up.

 

V

[Tony T]

I don't think you'll ever hear from him again. When somebody is caught like this, it stings pretty band. Confronting somebody with an issue of this nature is an art if you aren't wanting them to get defensive and hibernate.

[EnigmaXOXO]

So sorry, Jennifer. But I'm glad you found this out now rather than later. And don't ever feel guilty about the snooping. That's how most cheating partners get caught, since they seldom have the courage to reveal their secrets.

 

But I'm curious about the "art" that Tony suggested??

 

From a male's perspective, if a lady has caught her guy having an affair, be it physical, emotional or otherwise, how should she approach him without him becoming defensive, shutting down and/or denying it ever happened?

[km82794]

I'm wondering if yall think I should email the conversation I had with this girl to him or just tell him I know and have proof but not show him the proof.

 

I would say, let it go. Chances are, as immature as he is being, he will only turn this situation around, portraying you as some type of insane jealous girlfriend who broke into his account, disguised yourself as him and talked to some girl he was boinking.

 

I've been with this type, they always find a way to make you out to be the bad guy. You won't win. In my opinion, you will get a dog to say I peed on the carpet before you will ever get this guy to admit what he did.

 

The best medicine you can give him is to show him you could care less.

 

Goodluck on moving on!!!

[jenny]

it sounds like you handled the loss of him very well - lots of other men in the sea - but i honestly hope you never snoop into a guy's private stuff like that again. it's really wrong, no matter what you suspect. if you trust him that little, there is no relationship to begin with - if you had not found anything and he found out that you snooped, he would be well within his rights to dump you as quickly as possible.

 

xox k

[Curt]

In my opinion, you will get a dog to say I peed on the carpet before you will ever get this guy to admit what he did.

 

I'm sorry, but I just gotta say...This is cute!!

 

Can you imagine, you come home from a rough day at work, dog looks up at you and says, "We need to talk babe, I did something today that I'm not very proud of ...."

 

LMAO

 

Curt

[Jennifer815]

The dog admiting he peed on the carpet had me LMAO for a while too!

 

Too be completely honest I haven't been happy in this relationship for a few months now. I needed more than he was giving and more than he could give me considering the distance. I had been wanting to end things with him for about 3 months, I just don't have the courage to do something that will inflict pain on me. I know that getting on his account was wrong and I know if I hadn't found anything out but he found out that I did that he would break up with me. So I guess either way I was subconciously looking for a way out of this. I do feel somewhat relieved that this is over. It hurts that he did cheat on me but the relief outways the hurt. But who knows, I just may be in shock.

 

Thank you agian for all the responses!

[Sad Petal]

You'll be alright, better to find out the truth now than to be lied to for god knows how long.

[Calgarygirl]

Hello Jennifer, et al.

 

I'm 37, my ex boyfriend was indeed, no friend at all. Nearly four years ago, I found that when he moved from Regina to Calgary, he had posted himself his new address on Friendfinder. And he also admitted having feelings for another woman he met online earlier (We also met that way, but we only lived three blocks away. Three weeks after we met, he moved 7 hours away).

 

I broke up with him for 7 months, we got back together, then discoverd a year afte that via finding out his email password, that he was sending letters to one woman asking to get together with her, even though she had a live in boyfriend herself. Her reply was that she would love to do him too! Also, he sent letters to another woman, whose husband found out about it, and threatened him in reply. I also caught him on four different occasions, several chat and single sites, including adultfriendfinder, where he stated he was looking for a discreet one-on-one partner, etc.

 

As well Bob also cruises porn sites on a regular basis, sits and waits to be served as well as thinks affection is only for sexual gratification. He also accused me of flirting with men, not being dedicated to him at parties (I'm a schmoozer, he's a social misfit)...and he couldn't stand that I had all the friends and he only had one...me.

 

Through all of this evidence, he DENIED everything, that it was just a game, it wasn't real and that my trust issue is the real problem. Can you believe that bull****? I didn't buy it, tried to break away, TWICE! but something kept drawing me back, wanting to convince him or myself that I was a great catch.

 

About four weeks ago, he gave me the spiel that he didn't feel the same way I did about us, but was too selfish to let me go. He slept with me anyway leading me to think that things hadn't changed all that much.

 

Finally, his son called me a few days ago, and we talked about his father's MANY indiscretions (many more we discovered) and he asked me why I put up with such terrible conditions. While we were talking, a woman "Pat" called to talk with his Dad. He asked me who she was, I replied I didn't know. Also, he mentioned his dad was previously waiting for a call from a "friend" to meet for coffee.I said moreso because I was pretty stupid and unrealistic. After dumbass got home, I confronted him on the phone. Again, Deny, deny, deny.

 

I told him he was a lowlife for sleeping with me, using me and not being honest with me or himself. "Pat" called again while we were talking, ironically. The conversation ended with me telling him he'd better go and make that date with this new gal...of which I'm certain he's already slept with.

 

In any case, I too am upset by the fact that while I'm being denied the satisfaction of him taking responsibility or accountability for his actions, but I suppose, he's always been that way. I think these problems these pathetic excuse for humans have began a lot earlier than we got to them. You're still young,and true love is coming. He's 43, lost three jobs in three years, has zero friends and potential for success, and I wish him nothing but stark realization that he has caused so many people so much pain, including his ex wife and god knows how many women before me. I shudder to think of the terrible experience that awaits this "Pat" woman. I guess that's part of her journey as well. Stupid git.

 

I'm now 100% Bob R. Free, and it feels wonderful. No more worries, service, grief or feelings of obligation to make things better. True love is on its way for both of us...and I'm going to embrace it with open arms, knowing full well that like attracts like, so Bob is bound to find a loser just like himself.

 

Ah, the irony.

 

Good luck and keep your spirits high and open to all the possibilities. The Universe is listening!

 

Slainte,

 

Donna

[mate_you_in_fifty]

The same thing happened with me and my girlfriend,and I found out by snooping in her emails. It sucks,I know. And she said she doesn't wanna talk to me for several days and asked me why I was so distrustfu of her. I told her that I was distrustful because she had done something like that but she wouldn't listen to me:(

[Calgarygirl]

Well, I can't say much but it's a good thing you didn't marry the girl. People who are too spineless to own up to their own actions don't deserve any credit or attention. It hurts, yes, I agree. I guess I'm having to deal with all men who could potentially be the same way, that's the tough part. How do you trust again?

 

D