cohabitation versus marriage

[lucia]

Ever since I've never been interested in getting married. I have nothing against marriage; in fact I always encourage all my friends to get married should they happen to find "the one". Mind you, I'm not a player. I'm the most loyal and devoted and responsible partner one can ever get. I think.

 

I've had many marriage proposals before but I was always the one running away. I happen to think that love or commitment to each other doesn't necessarily need a piece of paper to attest to that fact. Maybe I'm wrong, but I still haven't changed my mind-- even though I've seen many long-lasting and happy marriages (my parents' and my siblings among them).

 

For those who are more experienced in this area, could you please tell me the pluses and minuses of getting married or just cohabitation? I'd like to hear actual experiences. Thanks.

[luvmyboys]

Pluses of being married? So many and I'm not sure I have enough room on the page to name them all. But the biggest plus of being married is that, at least in my marriage, I know where I stand with my husband and that we are totally committed to one another. I can't imagine what my life would be like if we weren't. I cerainly would never settle for living together...no way! Why buy the cow when the milk is free?

 

Some added bonuses:

 

You are his/her beneficiary

 

You can be on the company insurance policy as a dependent

 

Works out better tax wise to file jointly

 

Bringing children into the world? Nothing better than to have a mom and dad with the same last name; living in the same home; sharing in the upbringing of the child who will never be asked why mommy and daddy have different names and addresses.

 

Plus, being married takes it a step further in maturity...you aren't so quick to call it quicks the minute something has gone wrong or isn't perfect. You work through the rough and tough times because you are committed to each other. I have never looked at my marriage as being on a piece of paper. I took vows in a church before God and my family. I have a strong religious faith that many may not; and to you and others, marriage IS just a piece of paper.

 

Also, a sense of family. Even if you have no children, you are your own family with just the two of you.

 

On the light side, you will not continue being asked, "when are you two getting married?"

 

If you buy a home together, what happens if one leaves? Are you stuck with the mortgage payment? What about if the significant other dies? Does his mom inherit everything or his kids? There are a lot of things to think about before buying homes and having joint accounts without marriage. I'd be very leary of doing any kind of joint ventures such as that without that little piece of paper.

 

Yea, marriage is a lifelong commitment to me, maybe not to all, but I've made it work for over 21 years now so I must be doing something right. Above all, my advice on what makes marriage work is to always respect each other (no name calling), always find ways to have fun with each other, and never forget the reason why you walked down the aisle in the first place.

 

Marriage isn't meant for everyone, and maybe you are one of those people. There's nothing wrong with that; so if you're comfortable with your life the way it is, don't force it if your heart is not really in it. It will never work then.

[Tree]

Lucia-

 

Just curious - how old are you? My thinking is that this may make a difference.

 

As for my opinion about marriage versus non-marriage - my initial thought is that you haev not foudn the right 'one.' If your logic is correct - that if you find the right person, then a piece of paper should not matter, I may ask you if you have ever felt like you met the right one? If you did meet the right one, what happened to separate you two or are you still together?

 

Perhaps you turned down the marriage proposals because you did not want to spend the rest of your life with that person? That is surely a good reason not to jump the broom - so to speak. Or perhaps you are unsure about your level of committment?

 

I recently spoke to my cousin's long-term BF who lives in Europe. He came to the States for a while to explore some career opportunities. In addition, he wanted to see if he was ready to commit to my cousin, and this trip seemed to serve as some sort of test.

 

Anyway, when asking him about his relationship (it was a major topic for discussion), he said that he loves my cousin and in the several years that they have been together that he has been thoroughly happy with their relationship. He wants to spend the rest of his life with her. They are both on their mid-thirties. She is pressing for marriage while he is balking. He said something similar to your post - that he doesn't see why a piece of paper should matter if you are truly committed to someone (which he says he is). He says that he is already 'married' to her in emotional and life committment, so why should signing papers matter?

 

My response to him was, "well if signing a paper doesn't matter, then why not just do it?" In other words, if getting married officially won't change anything, they why give it a second thought? If you are truly committed to someone, then WHY NOT make it official?

 

My guess is that if his committment is REAL - i.e. he has no doubts that he wants her in his life for rest of life, then he is ready to be married and shouldn't be bothered by legal formalities. If he does have doubts, then he is not ready for marriage. And if he is still balking after thinking that he is truly committed, then he is not being honest with himself (foregoing any other concrete reason like finances).

 

My belief is that marriage is a legal committment to one another in addition to (often) a public ceremony that seals the deal within your wider social circle. Whether you like it or not, marriage has more wieght than cohabitation among the society at large and more than likely will change the level of commitment that you and your partner already have.

[moimeme]

IMHO cohabitation is a stop on the road to marriage. It serves to prove whether people can live together successfully or not. It's best to know before you 'sign the papers' than to figure out afterward that you've made a mistake. Living together requires more than just love. There's a post someplace on this site telling all about discovering too late that you actually married someone with whom you are not really compatible.

[HokeyReligions]

Well, I was raised that "marriage" was a holy thing, sanctified by God, and that to have children without the beneift of marriage was a sin and that the woman was a whore. Imagine, a little pronouncement by a minister and the whore becomes a wife and is instantly accepted!

 

Anyway, there are a lot of secular (Federal, State, and Local) laws governing what is a marriage and what that means legally. Someone already pointed out some legalities of assets/insurance/etc. I don't agree with the taxes though - if I were single I would not pay so much in taxes. We are basically paying a "marriage penalty" on our taxes.

 

Anyway, I am married and I am not a religious person - I count myself among the agnostics. I married because I felt that was the most secure pronouncement of our love and commitment to each other. We like talking about each other as "husband" and "wife" - it gives us a sense of belonging, and makes a statement that I love and am loved.

 

There are two couples where I used to work that have been together a long time. S & R have been together for 8 years or so. They are not married, but are considered common-law husband and wife. They just bought a house together.

 

Another couple, N & F, were married, but got divorced, and have been living together as a couple for 15 years. They said it just didn't work being married, but after the divorce their relationship blossomed into something comfortable and committed - it was that little piece of paper that messed them up - or so they say. Whatever it is, it works for them.

 

I couldn't imagine not being married. I did all the traditional stuff like taking his name, although I did hyphenate. His name is much easier than my "maiden" name, and I've had this name for over half my life already.

 

As for who gets what when someone passes - family & blood ties don't always matter -- MAKE A WILL! My husband's step-mother is sure she will get everything when her husband dies, just because she's his wife, but we could come in and legally "take" some items because of the blood tie, a common-law spouse would have an even harder fight - unless there is a WILL.

[zman]

Cohabitation without being engaged is for commitment phobes. See my thread about this in the "Getting Married" forum, including the story about my sister and her husband.

[Jackieoh2wow]

Well, i have read the last weeks posts and am curious. It seems to me that living together vs. marriage is a societal thing. Hmmmmmmm what did man and woman do before marriage ceremonies? Let me know? I myself ,am cohabitating in a heterosexual relationship i am 40 he is 48. We were both brought up Catholic//more later

[tornlady]

i have been with my partner for 10 years, just been married a year as of july, things were perfect before, and i always said I didn't need that piece of paper, since we got married it seemed like that little piece of paper made our life together go down hill. Isn't the first year of marriage supposed to be the happiest?

[Karlise13]

and niether of us cares about the wedding.

 

Niether of us are 'committment phobes' either. We've committed ourselves to numerous things; we've both put ourselves through grad school, work hard at our careers, bought a house together, help out our families. I fail to see where a marriage automatically bestows 'maturity' upon a person. We know plenty of married people who treat each other horribly and act like imbeciles.

 

We've been together five years, dated for a year before that. We are extremely happy together. Just disinterested in the pap and over-priced hype that the wedding industry would have us swallow.

 

Also disinterested in the 'vows before God'. God honors love and respect and genuine-ness. Marriage is an invention of man, not God.

 

We do not blindly follow societal conventions. I think marriage is a fine tradition FOR THOSE WHO BELIEVE IN IT. For some other people who march to a slightly different drummer, dont' peg us as immature and afraid of commitment just because we have our own style of committing.

 

Legally, we are going to leave each other everything in our wills. We will make each other POA in the event of illness.

 

I have never before been with such a caring, adoring man and the 'when you getting married' tripe strikes me as so ridiculous.

 

Again I reiterate....it's FINE if you believe in it. We have our own beliefs.

 

Sex is a sin without marriage? Why? That makes no sense at all. I don't believe it, never have, never will.

[Jackieoh2wow]

Karlise, i loved your reply and respect your stand entirely. I am almost at your stage however i suffer from what they call "Italian guilt" or "Catholic guilt". I am having a problem getting over it as i work with a bunch of "Christians" and the Family thinks i am commiting sin. Therefore i am reminded almost every day. Well not every day but you know. I do want to get married or do i. Is it the guilt? Somehow i think it would be closure. Let me know how you manged to arrive at this point. Very Interested.

[Karlise13]

Guilt is a hard thing to overcome.

 

I was raised by parents who were brought up with different religions. My father was Jewish (later lapsed) and my mother was Protestant (later lapsed)

 

They were both brought up in very bigoted households. My fathers' Jewish parents disliked anyone black, brown or non-Jewish.

 

My mothers' parents disliked Italians, Catholics and 'coloreds'

 

When my parents married, they endured a lot of grief. At some point they decided to raise us with good values but without the religion, which they both associated with prejudice and bigotry.

 

I was born in the 60's by the way, a time when a lot of people questioned conformist societal values.

 

My parents still harbored a lot of 1950's values (hey, they were products of their time), but I do appreciate that they taught me and my sisters to get educations, have careers, make our own decisions, be finanically independent, choose friends based on merits not color.

[Jackieoh2wow]

Karlise,

I was born in the 60's also. My father past away when i was four. Mom raised us Catholic and i completed most of the Sacrements. However, it is my mother that wanted to hold on to everybody. She was a teenager at the end of the depression and her father had a good job. They were rich! She never worried about money as it was always given to her as she always gave to me. However, when the real world hit me in the face--Boom-- nobody was handing me money. She really didnt teach me to become financially dependant becasue i never had any money to save. However, she did teach me to not go into debt and pay all your bills and save. Well, that was impossible in my case as everything i made went out in expenses. I was not a spendthrift either. I was a single divorced mom and worked at home doing odd jobs. Forturnatly i had a degree in Accounting and later when my son was 10 went to full time work. So really i have only started to be on my feet these last few years (i am now40).

I met a man who was married for 22 years to a cheating, stealing, lying wife. He worked hard and saved a lot of money and invested in rentals. He now has a cash flow. He appreciates me so much as i am not like his ex wife. basically we have no money worries wich is usually the cause for divorce in trad marriages. So basically we are beyond the money thing. We both want peace and harmony.

 

Here is my point finally. We are pressured for marriage. It would actually be easier to get married. I guess i am still stuck in that guilt thing and your are absolutly correct "guilt is a hard thing to overcome". Consider yourself well adjusted.

[Karlise13]

and congratulations for learning to stand on your own. Some people never do!

 

I hope I'm fairly well adjusted. Believe me, I have my kinks and quirks. I actually went through some HORRENDOUS relationships in my past and made plenty of bad mistakes....believe me.

 

However, I did learn to think for myself and be as independent as possible.

 

On the down side, my parents' marriage began to fall apart by their 20th year together but they stuck it out 'for the kids' another 13 years. We witnessed two very unhappy people mired in a once-good-but-gone-bad marriage growing up. They may be part of the reason why me and my siblings remain unmarried.

 

For all their teachings re; independence and education, they couldn't seem to rid THEMSELVES of that one societal expectation...that you stuck it out to the bitter end....

 

Anyway, they finally divorced when my brother left home.

[MassiveAtom]

Yes! Legal Marriage is a device setup to efficiently tax a relationship that was, prior to it's drafting, exempt from legal consideration.

 

Legally, a marriage first creates a pseudo corporation. Those of you who know what corporations are realize that this means a marriage is like a half dead zombie. (nothing against marriage, no pun intended)

 

Second, marriage sets up an unwritten contract between the man and the woman.

That contract , by virtue of the 1000s of pages of divorce law create a kind of insurance clause for the woman and any children that are the products of the marriage.

 

Lastly, Marriage drafts the unwritten documents that govern the behavior of the parties via socialized normalcy and acceptability.

 

Emotionally, Marriage is a fantasy, a dream, everlasting hope. It's like saying no matter what, whether you become a fat lazy pig, or you become a wanton sex slave to two dimensional images, I'll stick with you and support you through so that you'll never have to be alone again.

 

Then it provides a certain sense of security when the marriage is healthy to some degree.

 

It also provides a degree of safety , absent of which, untold indecision is possible.

 

I think that Marriage is a good idea. I think it is the pinnacle of expression of commitment without outright killing yourself. Give your life without giving your life. I think it's a very difficult thing to do to say the least, but then when is anything worth doing, easy?

 

Marriage really is what you make it. It's about your OWN personal strength, and not necessarily the other person. It's about what you can do to accept your relationship and figure out ways to love, despite the absence of hope. without the reassurance of romantic love. It's REALLY hard.

 

Since we seem to be declaring, I'm of the belief that God, like Marriage is just an idea. Marriage is a better idea. I guess I'd be categorized as a secular humanist.

 

 

 

 

 

 

and a bunny-smiley-user