Why does he need to talk to other sexy women on the internet?

[vonerik012]

Why on Earth is he talking to any women on Myspace if he is with you, and he is your boyfriend? Obviously he should not be. Obviously you should not allow him.

[TeTe]

My question exactly. But the thing about allowing him... I think he should not be wanting to on his own, not because I am making him do anything. It bothered me that he said it was "fun" and he probably would be talking to women on the internet sexually if I didn't say anything bad about him talking to them. Thats the part that really bothered me. I don't want to talk to other men on the internet since I am in a relationship with him, I don't feel right about it. Its a form of cheating I think!

[carhill]

His behavior is affecting your relationship. Set your boundary as to what you're comfortable with. If he doesn't respect your boundary, he can enjoy peace and quiet (alone) for an indeterminate period of time where he can flirt with his girls all he wants.

 

You're not married or living together....even if you were, he should still get a time out like the little boy he's acting as.

[sweet&simple]

My question exactly. But the thing about allowing him... I think he should not be wanting to on his own, not because I am making him do anything. It bothered me that he said it was "fun" and he probably would be talking to women on the internet sexually if I didn't say anything bad about him talking to them. Thats the part that really bothered me. I don't want to talk to other men on the internet since I am in a relationship with him, I don't feel right about it. Its a form of cheating I think!

 

That's seriously disrespectful.. did you ask him how he would feel about you talking to men sexually on the internet? Going to male strip clubs?

[TeTe]

Oh yes, I came up right a way and said, how would you feel if I talked that way to men on the internet? He said he wouldn't mind, as long as its not sexual. Thats what he has vowed he won't do anymore, talk to women sexually on the internet that is. But I haven't brought up the strip club part. I did tell him that I wouldn't go to a place like that or a bar in general, because I am dedicated to him only and I wouldn't put myself in those situations where I would be hit on.

[JackJack]

Oh yes, I came up right a way and said, how would you feel if I talked that way to men on the internet? He said he wouldn't mind, as long as its not sexual. Thats what he has vowed he won't do anymore, talk to women sexually on the internet that is. But I haven't brought up the strip club part. I did tell him that I wouldn't go to a place like that or a bar in general, because I am dedicated to him only and I wouldn't put myself in those situations where I would be hit on.

 

So, if he says he wont talk to women sexually anymore, he is still saying he will talk to women, so exactly what does he feel the need to talk with them about since it wont be sexual anymore? The weather? Hobbies? General chit chat?

[TeTe]

I asked him that exact question and he said he was just making friends like any other person. Also that he's making connections for his writing career on Myspace, which he does have lots of those women and men, but that wasn't what this one lady who started was all about! I asked him then why was he still talking to her, after he said he cut the sex talk and he said he wanted to see what she looked like also if he wanted to call in and be a guest on her sex radio show. Yet another thing thats questionable to me. Why?

[blair08]

I'll be honest with you, he just doesn't seem believeable to me. It just sounds like a bunch of excuses and I think he'll do it again.

 

Not to sound like a downer or anything, just the reality of it. I hope he does change though.

[TeTe]

Well so far he hasn't corresponded sexually with any other women in any way that I can see. He is usually up front about it. I am very nervous about bringing up the nude bar. I don't even know if he will go, it was just "mentioned". Still its hanging in my thoughts, will he go, what if I bring it up? Will it be yet another "oh the jealous thing again..." or you are "trying to control me again" thing. Thats pretty much what has happened so far with any mention of things that bother me about his correspondence of the opposite sex.

[PandorasBox]

Its sad when you feel you can't go to your partner or spouse and ask them something or tell them something because you're afraid of their reaction. Thats not healthy and should be something to think about too.

[Trialbyfire]

TeTe, the more I read, the more it makes me wonder why you're determined to not set boundaries for him. In taking a more passive approach, fearing he's going to walk if you push him, continues to drive your insecurities more and more. Sooner or later you're going to take him to task over something that might be completely innocent.

 

Also, what's to stop him from taking things underground without having access to his myspace? Whether this is the case or not, who knows.

 

What exactly would make you feel secure and trust him again? If you don't know, it's best to figure it out or walk away. In not knowing and moving your bar for him up, down and around, will sooner or later cause the relationship to implode, while all the time eroding further onto your self-esteem.

[sweet&simple]

Its sad when you feel you can't go to your partner or spouse and ask them something or tell them something because you're afraid of their reaction. Thats not healthy and should be something to think about too.

 

I definitely agree with this.

 

If there are things that are making you uncomfortable in your relationship, you should be able to address them. All of the things you're talking about-- having lots of girls talking to him, sexual online conversations, a problem with him going to a strip club-- all of these are VERY valid issues that need to be discussed.

 

It's not about "being jealous," or "being controlling," -- it's about discussing things that make you uncomfortable and are unacceptable in your relationship.

 

You should ask him what's more important to him-- girls he will never meet online, strippers he's not allowed to touch, or a girlfriend who cares about him that he can have in the flesh.

 

Don't be afraid of him leaving you or his response-- this is about YOU and YOUR NEEDS, and it's time you voice them.

[TeTe]

Sweet and Simple is very right. I am going to take this advice to heart. What happens happens, when something is bothering me. Then I will say something. I guess the reason why I hesitated on things here recently, was because he made the mention of... I am killing this relationship, LOOKING for something to be jealous about. What do you all think about that one? He basically insinuated that I was messing up the relationship with these "silly" jealousies, of him talking to these "not real people" women on the internet.

[MichelleS1983]

No offense, but I feel like I'm reading the Teenage Angst Message Boards. How old is this guy? He sounds like a dumbass 17 year old hormonal teenage boy.

 

Real men don't create some kind of pathetic 'pseudo alternate life' on Myspace, which is a cesspool for mostly losers and predators, anyway. It's just feeble, period

 

Dump this pathetic little boy and find yourself a real man - one who knows the difference between fantasy life and reality.

[sweet&simple]

Sweet and Simple is very right. I am going to take this advice to heart. What happens happens, when something is bothering me. Then I will say something. I guess the reason why I hesitated on things here recently, was because he made the mention of... I am killing this relationship, LOOKING for something to be jealous about. What do you all think about that one? He basically insinuated that I was messing up the relationship with these "silly" jealousies, of him talking to these "not real people" women on the internet.

 

Well of course he's saying that.. it's not like he's going to say "you're right, I'm acting inappropriately and I should stop." People like that don't own up to their actions. If you've stated something makes you jealous or it's something that you don't deem appropriate from the person you're with, then you have every right to talk about it.

 

Hitting on other girls, "real people," or not [seriously dumb excuse-- "Oh I should be able to talk to them however I want, it's not like I'll ever meet them!" PLEASE. You're still talking to an ACTUAL PERSON and having it turn sexual COULD lead to a meeting] going to strip clubs, etc.. are all valid reasons to feel jealous and insecure in your relationship.

 

You're not the cause of any of these things.. these are his actions and you are responding to them with the needs you require in a relationship.

[Walk]

Sweet and Simple is very right. I am going to take this advice to heart. What happens happens, when something is bothering me. Then I will say something. I guess the reason why I hesitated on things here recently, was because he made the mention of... I am killing this relationship, LOOKING for something to be jealous about. What do you all think about that one? He basically insinuated that I was messing up the relationship with these "silly" jealousies, of him talking to these "not real people" women on the internet.

 

I don't think you're being silly. I'm not a jealous person at all, and what you described would cause me to feel some big twinges of jealousness. I think the nude bar coming so closely on the heels of the sex comments, and viewing the woman's sexy pictures, is a bit much for one person to calmly take in. You combine everything and you're reacting extremely normally for someone in your position. He'd act the same way, probably worse, if the shoe were on the other foot.

 

So... my suggestion. Don't try to role reverse with him. He won't acknowledge it, and it'll only frustrate you more. I'd just tell him flat out... you felt disrespected when he traded sexual talk with another woman while viewing her barely legal to post on myspace photos. That when you spoke to him about it he dismissed your concerns as an over reaction. That it bothers you that after that he would then imply he wanted to go to a nude bar. And to top it off, he's still dismissing every thing you think and feel about the situation as hysterical and irrelevant. And that you do not want to be with a man who would dismiss your thoughts and feelings so easily.

 

You have to draw the line, and soon. He's not just being a thick headed male about this... he's treading in dangerous waters. For one, he's initiating sexual contact with others without thinking how you might feel about it. For two, immediately on the heels of you showing him how upset that made you, he then implies he'll go to a strip club.

 

If you don't draw the line, over time the issue of dismissing how you feel will get worse. Little by little. He'll keep pushing the boundaries of the relationship to test where they are. And he won't respect you for giving and giving. You aren't asking him to do anything, or give up anything... all you'd be asking for is for him to actually take your thougths and feelings as valid and worthwhile. As equally important as his are.

[NativeMetalGrl]

oh wow.. sounds exactly like what I just got done with.

I had a boyfriend I met on myspace who was corresponding and flirting with all sorts of strippers, slutty girls and the like.

He was even telling one girl he LOVED HER!!

He, like your boyfriend, was way into strip clubs and would often lie to me about going. Normally, the strip club thing wouldn't bother me, but he used to develop little crushes on the strippers.

Well, one time, i got all dolled up and went to pick him up to take him to the strip club as a surprise thing..

well, when we got there and he realized where we were, he got all wierd and wouldn't go in, so He went home and I went in with his friend.

His friend then told me that he thought it was awfully strange he didn't want to go as the strip club thing was usually his idea when he was with the boys.

Well, since he was a regular there, he knew most of the dancers.. and as I had suspected, none of them knew he had a girlfriend.. even though he was living with me for the last year...

anyway, to make a long story short..

I really think you should drop him.

WHen my man did this stuff, I thought that it was just because it was early in the relationship and that once we got more serious, he'd focus less and less on the porn stars, strippers and other random girls with whom he was carrying on.

well.. 2 years of on-again-off again and nothing changed..

This man obviously has zero respect for you or your relationship.

Girl, I've been there and wasted 2 years waiting for him to finally come around. He never did.. to this day, he still flirts with girls, is obsessed with pornstars and even aspires to be in porn films.

I implore you to get rid of him. Dont' make the same mistake I did.

You deserve so much better.

[Capricciosa]

I'm with NativeMetalGrl.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

This is ridiculous. Dump him. He will not change. No matter how much you tell him how you feel, he will not change. He is being a complete ******* and the more you give in, the more he will take. Forget about him. Find somebody that is respectful.

[sandrawg]

I asked him that exact question and he said he was just making friends like any other person. Also that he's making connections for his writing career on Myspace, which he does have lots of those women and men, but that wasn't what this one lady who started was all about! I asked him then why was he still talking to her, after he said he cut the sex talk and he said he wanted to see what she looked like also if he wanted to call in and be a guest on her sex radio show. Yet another thing thats questionable to me. Why?

 

Girl, this man is gonna drive you literally INSANE with his excuses and defensiveness. Believe me, I've been there, done that, got the t-shirt. You are going to go crazy because even if you accept his ridiculous specious reasoning, you know deep in your heart you are being INVALIDATED and disrespected. Like the other posters here said, your feelings do not matter. All that matters to him is getting his selfish needs--whatever they are, an ego boost or sexual titilation whatever-met by his contact with these women.

 

He is flinging the BS at you hard and heavy, and I'm surprised you're not choking on it.

[TeTe]

Its been a while since I posted, but I wanted to say that its been quiet, as far as I can see, until last night. I noticed the sex radio host posted a comment on a new photo to my boyfriend. Of course she posted sexy racy new photos of herself on Myspace, which I am 100000% sure he has gandered at. And of course, I am pretty sure, something was said somehow between the two. Even though this woman is far away and its no chance they will meet. I still want to just up and ask him if they spoke in ANY way. I know if I do this, there will be a big fight. Everyone says to dump him, but I do love him. This hurts way too much. Either I love him no matter what and live with it, or I confront him, risking the relationship or I don't know what to do.

[JackJack]

I think its all what you will or will not put up with.

[Capricciosa]

You need to stop equating love and hurt. What's the point in loving someone who is constantly hurting you??? No one likes a martyr.

[sweet&simple]

Its been a while since I posted, but I wanted to say that its been quiet, as far as I can see, until last night. I noticed the sex radio host posted a comment on a new photo to my boyfriend. Of course she posted sexy racy new photos of herself on Myspace, which I am 100000% sure he has gandered at. And of course, I am pretty sure, something was said somehow between the two. Even though this woman is far away and its no chance they will meet. I still want to just up and ask him if they spoke in ANY way. I know if I do this, there will be a big fight. Everyone says to dump him, but I do love him. This hurts way too much. Either I love him no matter what and live with it, or I confront him, risking the relationship or I don't know what to do.

 

See, that's exactly what I'm talking about.

 

You won't bring up things that are bothering you because you're afraid he'll leave you. That's really no way to live.. you shouldn't have to hide and bury things that aren't ok with you just to get some guy to stay with you.

 

There shouldn't be an argument.. either he talked to her, or he didn't. You're not out of line for asking, and if he tries to make it your fault.. why are you staying with this guy? Do you think it'll ever change?

[TeTe]

Well, I emailed him and just came out and asked if he was corresponding with her. He said no, why? I said just curious. So thats it for now. I also decided to ask him, since he is so obsessed with Myspace and its so platonic (I didn't say that though) why don't you put a photo of me in your profile or even you and I together? I emailed him, I will see what he says about that. Hmmm....