Biggie25x Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 Just wondering. When in a marriage does it get to be enough's enough? Can you leave and still love the other person? Should you always try one more time even if you've tried till your blue in the face? Simple questions although I think the answer is probably pretty tough. Link to post Share on other sites
blair08 Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 Depends on if just one person is trying. if its just one, and only been one trying the whole time, then it needs to come to and end. It would be pointless if one person is doing the work and the other is not. Many people seperate/divorce and doesn't mean they don't love the person, but sometimes people have to think of themselves and do what's best for their own sanity. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 For me, enough was enough when I felt, deep down, that it was enough for me. It was difficult. It was more of a felt-sense than a knowing. If I'd waited to 100% 'know', then I'd probably also still be trying. I went on gut/intuition, as much as (or more than) the stuff that I could rationalize. Always trying "one more time" just takes one to an unhappy deathbed, IMO. I think most people do feel/know when it is enough, but the thought-feeling is scary and conjures up all sorts of nasty unknowns. So people ignore it...or try to. But I think most people do 'know', somewhere deep inside. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Biggie25x Posted September 16, 2008 Author Share Posted September 16, 2008 Thanks for the answers they seem to sum up my feelings. It's a tough place to be-knowing what you have isn't working and isn't healthy but still loving the other person, afraid to let them go. Link to post Share on other sites
Sarita12385 Posted September 16, 2008 Share Posted September 16, 2008 I'm with blair08 100%. Everyone has their own breaking point thought. What's considered "enough" for one person may not be the same case for another. Every situation is different in one way or another. Link to post Share on other sites
waswarmncozy Posted October 19, 2008 Share Posted October 19, 2008 After 25 years, I'm still trying to figure that out. For so long I feel I've put everyone elses needs ahead of my own. The children have now grown up to be extremely decent, loving young adults. Now I'm sitting back wondering why I put up with such crap all these years, and I'm still trying to figure out what the heck I'm doing here! 3-4 affairs, lying...and no respect. No phyical abuse, but lots of mental anguish over the years! But also many fun times! Not sure If I'm afraid to lose the beautiful home I've made for my family, or the fear of being single and losing everything. The fear of no more exciting Thanksgivings, Christmas mornings, dinners and all the things I've cherished over the years as a family, including his extended family and my own! Such a struggle. I have definitely had a big change of attitude lately and what I'm willing to put up with. My big struggles come when I think how these family gatherings would change forever and If i "give-up" it will be all my fault! I'll be changing the way it works for everyone...what I decide will impact so many people! I have no friends to speak of...how sad is that! I've made my family my life and I cannot talk to them about this! Everyone would be devastated! So when you say "when is enough, enough" it really set me off! I'm having such a hard time figuring it out myself! Sorry I can't help! Link to post Share on other sites
annieo Posted October 19, 2008 Share Posted October 19, 2008 I had that "enough" moment when I realized, quite suddenly, that my h wasn't going to meet me even part way in making things better and I almost simultaneously realized that I could manage on my own. For a long time, I felt that I needed him, financially, socially although not so much emotionally, because he really beat me down in that area, for a long time. The expression "the worm turned" comes to mind. It wasn't so much about what he was doing or not doing. It was more about my own level of self-esteem, which increased due to getting my driver's license, having/raising children, running 5 km 4 times a week. I wasn't willing to play the helpless little girl to his controlling daddy anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
iceis44 Posted October 20, 2008 Share Posted October 20, 2008 You will know when, enough is enough, there will be no questions, you will need no answers from anyone, you will know. And it may even come to a point where you are just happy to get out and away with a child on each arm walking away, At that time I didnt have enough sense to stay away, that was aprox 19 years ago 23 with a 2 year old and a 3 year old, walking away with each kid in hand because he sabatoged my car from starting, so we walked away, no clothes, no money, me and kids in diapers. Only stayed gone for a year but it was one of the most enlightening years of my young life, helped make me the strong person I am today. Link to post Share on other sites
iceis44 Posted October 20, 2008 Share Posted October 20, 2008 After 25 years, I'm still trying to figure that out. For so long I feel I've put everyone elses needs ahead of my own. The children have now grown up to be extremely decent, loving young adults. Now I'm sitting back wondering why I put up with such crap all these years, and I'm still trying to figure out what the heck I'm doing here! 3-4 affairs, lying...and no respect. No phyical abuse, but lots of mental anguish over the years! But also many fun times!! Our eyes seem less clouded when the children, make it to their paths in life Not sure If I'm afraid to lose the beautiful home I've made for my family, or the fear of being single and losing everything. The fear of no more exciting Thanksgivings, Christmas mornings, dinners and all the things I've cherished over the years as a family, including his extended family and my own!! You will still have thanksgiving and Christmas, and mornings and dinners they will just be different, thats all nothing scary just different, maybe better, probably cant be worse Link to post Share on other sites
annieo Posted October 20, 2008 Share Posted October 20, 2008 kudos iceis44 my kids weren't in diapers, but I had a fax machine thrown at me, a door closed on my hand. leaving was a **** storm, but it strengthened my bones. Link to post Share on other sites
gilbert Posted October 22, 2008 Share Posted October 22, 2008 but tomorrow I still have to pretend to have a happy home. I have moved all my stuff to another room in our house. Just like Waswarmandcozy, I have been married for 25 years, your story sounded just like mine..anyway for me, as long as I still have one child left at home, I need to stay. And lets face it, I can not make it out there own my own. I am also very pissed that after all these years I might have to face starting over. Link to post Share on other sites
waswarmncozy Posted October 22, 2008 Share Posted October 22, 2008 It sucks...25 years, and still pretending. My mother tell's me I'm the best pretender. Always putting a smile on my face regardless of the situation. I will get there, I just need to give myself some time to make some decisions. If, in a few weeks, I'm still having trouble coming to terms with things, I am going to go see a counselor to help me. I really don't want to waste anymore years. I feel stuck in some areas and don't want to make any rash decisions. I have worked thoughout our marriage, and we are actually business partners, which makes things a bit sticky. Nothing that the lawyers can't handle though, I presume!! Hate to think of the $$ going out to them, but that's life I guess! I feel stuck in taking the easy road....sitting back and doing nothing! Letting fate run it's course! Is that what the call nothingness???? Link to post Share on other sites
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