boyfriend's sister trashed our house

[Laurenwho]

My guy and I recently got back together. We were living together for several years previously. His older sister and I have always gotten along. No bad feelings from the break up either (I honestly don't even think he told his family) His sister has 2 kids (16 and 3 yrs old). The only issue I've ever had with her is she rear ended my new car at a stop light and didn't have insurance so my bf had to pay the repair bill. I've never expressed to her that I was upset though. My guy and I went on vacation for a week with my family. We asked his sister to feed our animals and we offered to let her house sit if she wanted because a few months ago her long term boyfriend kicked her out of HER house and she has been living with her parents ever since. Their mom drives her crazy and there isn't room her kids there (they all share a bedroom) So we thought that while she would be doing us a favor by feeding our pets, we would also be doing her a favor because she could stay at our house and have peace and quiet (away from her mom) and the kids would have a place to sleep (we have two spare bedrooms that we fixed up for the three of them) and she could watch tv, let the kids play outside (we have a huge yard) and she could also get some sleep (she works midnights but her mom watches her other daughter's kids during the day when she (sister) needs to sleep so its difficult. All she had to do was feed 2 cats each day.

 

My bf gave his sister two rules- that no one was allowed at the house except for her and the kids (no ex boyfriends, no current boyfriends, no friends etc) and that no one was to go into our bedroom. We kept the doors closed. Now this sister has been responsible in the past (except for the car accident she caused and didn't pay for) and neither one of us had any qualms about letting her stay there for the week (we gave her the option that she could stay if she wanted.) neither my bf nor me smoke and I literally hate the smell of cigarette smoke. We didn't ask her not to smoke in the house because #1 she DOESN't smoke and #2 she knows her brother doesn't let anyone smoke in the house as we've had many family holidays at our house and anyone who smokes knows they have to go outside. Also at her house her ex boyfriend always smoked and she made him go outside to do so.

 

Well we came back from our trip (a 13 hour drive so we were exhausted) and found our house trashed!!! The house smelled like a bar, as if someone had been smoking a carton a day for a week!! Everything in the entire house (even shoes in the closets) reeks of smoke. There were tattoo needles laying all over our house, some on the floor, some in our laundry room, some in our bedroom. Yes, she also broke the rule about not going in our bedroom and she used our master bath and there were candles all around our bathtub (MY candles that I never burn) and around our bed. So gross. She also drank all the alchohol in our refrigerator (11 beers) and there are packs of cigarettes (empty of course) in the garbage and cigarette butts on the floor. Her response was "oh sorry, ex boyfriend was there and smoked ONE cigarette and I didn't realize he was smoking and made him put it out as soon as I caught him" YEAH RIGHT!! We had to spend an entire day (7am to 11pm at night) cleaning EVERYTHING. Had to wash all our curtains, bedding, clothes, towels, couch covers, had to throw blankets away because we couldnt' get the smell out. She also broke my $500 treadmill and took a stereo out of our bedroom and put it in the basement (where the exercise equipment is) and it got wet and is ruined. She used our cd player and there are cds missing, she broke the power button on our Dish Network box.

 

She claims she didn't do anything of this and we are "mean" for getting so upset. this is a 35 year old woman! She claims she didn't drink anything because she doesn't drink. Well then I'm calling child services because either her 2 year old or her 16 year old must have drank the 11 beers!! (sarcasm)

 

She claims her 16 year old and 2 year old were hardly ever there because she was afraid they might spill something on the carpet! I am so p*ssed off if I saw her in the street I would run her over. I mean this is blind rage. My bf has done nothing but help his sister and she totally disrepected his house and our stuff. We found out she was lying about her ex being there. SHe has a new boyfriend and he was there. She won't admit to this. I am so angry I will NEVER go to another family function again. And my boyfriend told his sister she is not welcome at our house (even for holidays). I just don't know what to do.

[blair08]

To bad you all didn't take pics of what was laying around the house and then report her.

[hotgurl]

I would have taken pictures and submitted a bill to her for what she broke.

 

needles lying around?! who dies that.

[Laurenwho]

yes, they were used tattoo needles. She told us that "they give you your needles after they do your tattoo." Ok I have a tattoo and they most certainly do NOT give you your used needles! Maybe if you had a tattoo done in the back of someone's pick up truck. And even if someone did give her the needles why the h*ll would she not throw them away, why would she bring them to our house and leave them randomly scattered around?

 

and the "best" part is she doesn't think she did anything wrong!! My boyfriend advised her (the night we got home to the mess) that she is no longer welcome at the house and she laid a huge guilt trip on him saying we think we are better than everyone else and that we NEVER attend anything that has to do with HIS family (we had just gone on vacation with MY family). Well, she, her mom and other sister and kids went to Florida for a week two years ago and my boyfriend was never even asked if he wanted to go with them. We had Christmas dinner at our house for the last 3 years and we went to his mom's for Easter, both his parents birthdays, their anniversary, New Years dinner every year that we've been dating. We go to my parents for thanksgiving every other year. she told him that he never does anything for her kids (we had just brought them both t-shirts and souveniers from vacation and my boyfriend paid for my car (that SHE damaged) because she told him she didn't have the money and making payments would take food out of her kids' mouths. My boyfriend even paid her son $50 to help him around the house for two hours recently because he is trying to save up money.

 

 

She thinks I'm a b*tch for being upset about the situation and that she did NOTHING wrong. This is a woman I've never had a bad word to say about. I can NOT believe she did this. I mean she let someone sit there and smoke in our home all week, she broke our belongings and disrespected our space. And all she has to say is "sorry, its not a big deal and all it was was one cigarrette and its not like I knew he was smoking and I stopped him as soon as I found out..." YEAH RIGHT.

My boyfriend had to have everything washed, dry cleaned, replaced curtains and he changed all the locks. (she wouldn't give the keys back)

 

After all this she had the nerve to text me yesterday and ask if she could put a freezer full of meat in our garage and she'd pay for the electricity (we had bad weather from IKe and it knocked out electricity for a lot of people and she's worried about her and her parents' food going bad.) I told her "no" and she accused me of being a selfish b*tch and went on about how its not for her its for her parents and I texted her and told her well you shouldnt' ask for favors after you trashed someone's house. She just went on about how none of it was her fault and we are making a big deal out of nothing. We can't send her a bill for all the damage, she would never even pay it. I could take her to small claims court but don't have any proof that she is the one who actually did all this (I know she is as no one else had access to our house).

 

I want her to have consequences for what she did so I am not allowing (and my boyfriend agrees as I pay the electric bill) anyone to bring over a freezer to store their stuff in. I feel horrible about doing this to his parents but if they really needed the help they should have asked their son or called me directly. There was NO reason for HER to ask me for a favor. I think she did it because she knew I would say no and she could paint me as the bad person in this situation. I hate to punish his parents as they are innocent in the situation (although they continue to let her live with them and she is driving their vehicle as hers is not running) but they can just blame it on HER. SHe is the reason we are not doing ANY favors for anyone in the family right now. (because she asked for the favor) I know that is probably petty but there have to be consequences.

 

Other things happened as well- I have a fireproof safe in my bedroom that I store of all things- pictures and greeting cards. the key is attached to the safe (nothing that I"m worried about anyone stealing. Well came home to the key being in the lock and the safe used to be stuffed with cards. I mean I had to sit on it to get it to lock. Well it is now only half full and i found some cards and pictures in the garbage. I know some are still missing (they probably threw them away because they couldnt' get them to fit after going through the safe looking for valuables and decided to get rid of them since they couldn't get the safe to close. I had cards and pictures from my grandma (who died two years ago) in there and I'm very sentimental. That was tough. I have let this woman borrow my other car when hers broke down so she could get to work.

 

 

I don't know what to do because I NEVER want to see my boyfriend's sister again. If we ever got married she would not be invited. SHe will never be allowed at our house for any holiday (which means we can't exactly host christmas dinner like we always do because it would be rude to exclude anyone. I don't ever want to attend another holiday function as his parents' because his sister will be there and I will never forget what she did and she does not take responsibility for it and is not appologetic.

[carhill]

Perhaps my advice from the car incident still applies.

 

My experience has been that families inevitably follow the same genetic and socialized patterns at the intrinsic behavior level. Some members mask better than others, but it's always there.

 

Staying broken up likely wouldn't have been a bad thing

[jen's mind]

My experience has been that families inevitably follow the same genetic and socialized patterns at the intrinsic behavior level. Some members mask better than others, but it's always there.

 

Staying broken up likely wouldn't have been a bad thing

 

I agree. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I'd have my doubts about the entire family. Don't you think your boyfriend was in a better position than you to anticipate this outcome? That perhaps he enabled her?

 

There are certain kinds of people who will always take advantage of kindness. Some people also enjoy this kind of drama. If you don't, you might want to reevaluate your relationship with your boyfriend. His judgment seems slightly off, no? I mean, don't you feel just the slightest bit that he set you/the two of you up for this disaster?

[Laurenwho]

No, I don't feel that my boyfriend set us up for this disaster. He was as shocked as I was. His sister has never done anything like this before. She was always the responsible one (not compared to him but compared to their younger sister). And she fed our pets last year when we went on vacation (she and her mom took turns) and she had the keys to our house and nothing at all happened back then. So obviously my boyfriend trusted her and I did too because she had basically the same responsibility last year and everything was fine. I don't know how he could have enabled her to trash our house. I mean he left a list of the rules (along with the directions for feeding the pets and the pets names etc) and he spoke with her and told her he didn't want anyone else at the house and that our bedroom was off limits. SHe was fine with this at the time.

 

She doesn't live like that at her place (when she had one) and she doesn't trash her mom's place and she is normally very strict with her kids and she doesn't smoke or drink so neither one of us could have ever imagined she would do something like this!!!

 

Do I have the right to never want to see her again (and avoid family functions?) I don't want to cause things to be awkward between my boyfreind and his family but I feel it is HER fault and not mine that things are going to be strained. Am I wrong?

[carhill]

Her lack of remorse and remuneration are telling, even if a "change". Do you really want a lifetime with this family? You do know that's what you're signing on for, don't you?

 

I've been in this situation, though not as poignantly as you. Trust me, the exit sign is neigh

[Ronni_W]

Do I have the right to never want to see her again (and avoid family functions?) I don't want to cause things to be awkward between my boyfreind and his family but I feel it is HER fault

If you got along well with his family before this ONE INDIVIDUAL family member screwed up, do you really want to punish the rest of them (and especially your boyfriend) because of what his sister did?

 

Yes, she did a terrible thing and no, you won't ever give her the keys to your house again. The rest of it is just one horrible experience in the life of you and your b/f, individually and as a couple. Couples and individuals have survived much worse, managed to find forgiveness eventually, and successfully moved on with the rest of their lives.

 

I think it is unreasonable and unfair to paint his entire family as being similarly irresponsible and lacking healthy remorse. I didn't read where any of his other family members have acted like that or even demonstrated that they might be capable of it. Jumping to that conclusion is just a bit too long of jump to make, IMO. Not to mention that it just becomes unhealthy on your part, if you do punish them in advance, as it were, for any possible future behaviour they may undertake, that will negatively impact you.

 

Your sis-in-law is under-responsible, lacks ability to hold herself accountable for her actions, and thus cannot apologize for it. If you want to make things unbearable for your boyfriend and you (as individuals and a couple), then absolutely refuse to forgive your SiL and go ahead and drag the entire family into this whole mess.

 

If you go that route, yes, you will be responsible for all the other strained family relationships. Because YOU will have brought in the whole family instead of just keeping things between you and her until you find your forgiveness (which I get may take a while.)

[carhill]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t147204/

 

 

I'm sure I can find more specifics if I put my mind to it

[2sure]

Family, in-laws, etc.

 

A wise man once said:

 

No one screws you like your family.

 

Chalk it up, be aware, and keep rolling.

[Laurenwho]

If you got along well with his family before this ONE INDIVIDUAL family member screwed up, do you really want to punish the rest of them (and especially your boyfriend) because of what his sister did?

 

 

 

Yes, she did a terrible thing and no, you won't ever give her the keys to your house again. The rest of it is just one horrible experience in the life of you and your b/f, individually and as a couple. Couples and individuals have survived much worse, managed to find forgiveness eventually, and successfully moved on with the rest of their lives.

 

I think it is unreasonable and unfair to paint his entire family as being similarly irresponsible and lacking healthy remorse. I didn't read where any of his other family members have acted like that or even demonstrated that they might be capable of it. Jumping to that conclusion is just a bit too long of jump to make, IMO. Not to mention that it just becomes unhealthy on your part, if you do punish them in advance, as it were, for any possible future behaviour they may undertake, that will negatively impact you.

 

 

 

Your sis-in-law is under-responsible, lacks ability to hold herself accountable for her actions, and thus cannot apologize for it. If you want to make things unbearable for your boyfriend and you (as individuals and a couple), then absolutely refuse to forgive your SiL and go ahead and drag the entire family into this whole mess.

 

If you go that route, yes, you will be responsible for all the other strained family relationships. Because YOU will have brought in the whole family instead of just keeping things between you and her until you find your forgiveness (which I get may take a while.)

 

 

 

No, I really don't want to punish the rest of them and thats not my intention. As far as refusing the favor she asked of me that was also for her parents, if her parents wanted a favor or needed something they should have asked me directly or better yet, have asked their son. There was NO reason for her to ask anything of me (she's never contacted me to ask me before (normally calls the house and leaves a message). And as far as me not going to family functions anymore, my boyfriend can go if he chooses. I am not stopping him. We just will not hold any holidays at our home (like we normally do) and if his parents feel that is "punishing" them they can come over but my boyfriend's sister is not welcome.

 

I'm not the one who painted the entire family as being similiarly irresponsible- that was the other posters. I would still let his mom house sit for us (if she would) and would also let her borrow my car if she needed to or something. I just don't want any contact with his sister. I don't want to hear from her, I don't want to see her. If that means I have to avoid family functions then so be it.

 

 

I have a brother and a sister (younger not older as my boyfriend's) but if either one of them disrepected my boyfriend's house the way his sister did I would be very appologetic to my boyfriend and I would force my sister to make ammends. I would be very embarrased that someone I am related to acted in such a rude way and I would not subject my boyfriend to being around my sister or brother and if he/she refused to appologize or acted like they were not responsible, I would give them a piece of my mind and I would forgive eventually but I would never do any favors for them again. And i would make sure my sibling knew that their behavior and actions were unacceptable and would not be tolerated. And if my sibling kept antagonizing my boyfriend (as I feel his sister was doing to me) I would put a stop to that immediately, I know its family and you love them unconditionally but they would not get away scott free (as I feel his sister is)

[vascogirl]

Family, in-laws, etc.

 

A wise man once said:

 

No one screws you like your family.

 

Chalk it up, be aware, and keep rolling.

 

 

My auntie has told me the exact same thing, Just learn from the mistake and move on.

[Ronni_W]

i would make sure my sibling knew that their behavior and actions were unacceptable and would not be tolerated.

 

That is EXACTLY how I feel and what I would do. The difficulty is that not everyone has the same sense of loyalty (or whatever it is) that you and I seem to have.

 

My mom has difficulty standing up for the people she says she loves. You and I might look at it as them just being inconsiderate (or whatever), but for them it is a deep-seated weakness that they probably need therapy to get to the bottom of ~ at least, based on my mom's experience, that is how it is for them. So I do try to be empathetic even as I also feel hurt and disappointed by her not speaking out on my behalf in certain situations. (I try to remember it is an inability, not just an unwillingness.)

I'm not the one who painted the entire family as being similiarly irresponsible

 

Sorry about that - I know you didn't. I did a poor job of trying to generally caution about the dangers of doing that.

 

I just don't want any contact with his sister. I don't want to hear from her, I don't want to see her. If that means I have to avoid family functions then so be it.

 

I hear you loud and clear. I had the same feelings towards my bro-in-law in few years ago. He was NOT welcome in my home; I had zero respect for him. But I went to family functions even if it meant he might be there. I just said 'hello' and 'goodbye' to him, and spent the time in between focusing on all my other in-laws, whom I love and care about very much.

 

That is, there is another option that you can choose...if you want to. I looked at it as why let my bro-in-law be the "rotten apple" that spoils everything for me and the rest of my in-law relationships? I'd be the one missing out, and it would have put my (ex)Hubby in even a more awkward spot than he already was -- he was already in position of not being able to invite his own brother over to (our) house, and I'm sure he didn't like it.

 

Why let my BiL make everything WORSE than it already was? To me, I wasn't prepared to give him that much power over my life, is all.

 

if either one of them disrepected my boyfriend's house the way his sister did I would be very appologetic to my boyfriend and I would force my sister to make ammends. I would be very embarrased that someone I am related to acted in such a rude way

 

That is also a choice...to take on responsibility for the actions of others and/or to be embarrassed by it. Personally, I don't apologize for anything for which I am not directly responsible because I don't have any control over how others act. That is, I can understand it if your b/f chooses to only be accountable for HIS OWN behaviour.

 

As well, it may not be accurate that one adult has the power or should try to "force" another adult to apologize or do anything else, for that matter.

I honestly would have appreciated more support than I got from my ex, but I also have to accept that he gets to do what he feels is best for himself. My needs/wants are not MORE important than his, and I totally get that he did not want my issues to negatively impact his relationship with his brother. That is fair, too.

 

I know its family and you love them unconditionally but they would not get away scott free (as I feel his sister is)

 

Again, I totally agree. There are consequences for crappy attitudes and disrespectful actions. I don't think his sister is getting off "scott free", though -- she has lost your respect, the right to visit in your home and, perhaps most importantly, her relationship with you and the support and love that you used to offer her. That is a cost to her, whether or not she can or wants to admit to it. IMO.