Are alimony and adultery laws good for society?

[n9688m]

I never really gave it much thought until it has affected me, but I wonder lately about whether adultery and alimony laws are good for society. I wonder why reform of divorce laws has not come up in fact as a political issue for "family values" candidates.

 

It seems most states have trended away from financial penalties for adultery when it comes to equitable distribution. Why? Wouldn't it send a stronger message of social stability to penalize adulterers?

 

For that matter, I can understand rehabilitative alimony for a short period when a spouse needs to learn a marketable skill. I can also understand permanent alimony if a spouse has become disabled during a marriage. But for the life of me I cannot understand alimony to allow a spouse to "maintain the lifestyle to which s/he has become accustomed." Huh? Divorce means a huge change in lifestyle no matter what. It also means two two spouses are parting ways. Why is it fair to make one spouse economically support the other after they part?

[SingleDad]

Also - most states are no-fault states... making divorce easier and quicker than ever. Drive through disposable marriages.

 

I never thought is was so easy to become divorced. almost as easy as a high school breakup.

 

Even when there are kids involved.

 

I question what society has come to.... Question whether I will ever want to re-marry... Expect to have a pre-nuptial if I do.

[carhill]

Alimony and adultery laws are good for lawyers

[flc]

Permanent alimony perplexes me as well and I pay a lot of it. Good news is that it is completely tax deductible. My issue is that child support lasts until the children reach 18 and can support themselves yet alimony has no limit as to when the person should be able to support themselves. I also have no problem with getting someone you were married to back on their feet say 5 years but why forever?

[Star Gazer]

Alimony tends to support the concept that traditional marriage is supposed to be for life, and thus taken very, very seriously because it has long term implications, even if the marriage ends.

[n9688m]

Alimony tends to support the concept that traditional marriage is supposed to be for life, and thus taken very, very seriously because it has long term implications, even if the marriage ends.

 

I disagree. Alimony promotes divorce because it continues the major economic advantage of marriage while at the same time allowing that person to absolve himself/herself of the other social responsibilities that marriage entails. Not only does this promote divorce but is also encourages marriage without true long-term intent.

[SingleDad]

Permanent alimony perplexes me as well and I pay a lot of it. Good news is that it is completely tax deductible. My issue is that child support lasts until the children reach 18 and can support themselves yet alimony has no limit as to when the person should be able to support themselves. I also have no problem with getting someone you were married to back on their feet say 5 years but why forever?

 

In NY, CS is to age 21... I have a 2 yo... my CS is $1,133 per mo. for 19 more years and it is more than my W's mortgage and taxes - even though I have my D 50% of the time and have my own mortgage and child rearing costs. My W wants the divorce so she can date others - I still want the marriage... In NY is is about balancing finances so the child will have similar lifestyles in both homes - regardless of parenting time.

[flc]

Alimony tends to support the concept that traditional marriage is supposed to be for life, and thus taken very, very seriously because it has long term implications, even if the marriage ends.

 

Then why is the penalty greater the longer your married. I understand the concept of someone being out of the workforce due to marriage and I never belittled the amount of work my spouse did raising our kids. In my case my wife preferred not to reenter the work force after our kids got older and since I made enough money that it did not matter I was fine with it. Yet, when she decides to leave me and files for divorce now I am responsible for her well being for the rest of her life?

 

Then you also get into what incentive the person has to remarry when they loose the alimony why not just live together. Proving financial co-habitation is not easy.

 

In the end I will not let this make my life any less fun or focus on the issue and get bitter about it. I try to take the view that she was spending the same amount of money when married to me and now since it is tax deductible and I get to date other women I am way ahead:)

[n9688m]

I try to take the view that she was spending the same amount of money when married to me and now since it is tax deductible and I get to date other women I am way ahead:)

 

Huh? Making it tax deductible doesn't change the fact that it's a huge loss to your lifestyle. You could enjoy it much better spending the money on your other women than on your ex.

[flc]

In NY, CS is to age 21... I have a 2 yo... my CS is $1,133 per mo. for 19 more years and it is more than my W's mortgage and taxes - even though I have my D 50% of the time and have my own mortgage and child rearing costs. My W wants the divorce so she can date others - I still want the marriage... In NY is is about balancing finances so the child will have similar lifestyles in both homes - regardless of parenting time.

 

Still, it is not life and I am paying more than 2x in alimony than what you pay in child support.

 

Huh? Making it tax deductible doesn't change the fact that it's a huge loss to your lifestyle. You could enjoy it much better spending the money on your other women than on your ex.

 

Sure, but what can I do about it, nothing. So I just prefer to keep the glass half full.

[zazue]

My STBXH found another woman, and wanted to ditch me, and cut me out of the business we own, plus pay little to nothing in maintenance. Read my other post's to see what a blessing in disguise it is that he does want out, but where would him walking away scott free leave me?

 

I found out yesterday from my attorney that he will most likely have to pay me around $2000.00 a month (plus I get to keep my $700.00 a month in disability). I get the family home, and all the furnishings aside from his personal property, he has to keep his $250,000.00 life insurance policy in effect until age 65, with me as the benificiary. He must continue paying around $400.00 to $500.00 a month to help our son with college expenses, and he assumes all debt. He gets to keep our business, and all profits (after paying me each month). Sounds fair to me after 22 years. At least he'll have the capacity to earn a great living. I no longer do.

[n9688m]

My STBXH found another woman, and wanted to ditch me, and cut me out of the business we own, plus pay little to nothing in maintenance. Read my other post's to see what a blessing in disguise it is that he does want out, but where would him walking away scott free leave me?

 

As I understand your situation, you became disabled during your marriage. That's a very different situation entirely and I don't think anyone would question the appropriateness of alimony in that situation.

[flc]

As I understand your situation, you became disabled during your marriage. That's a very different situation entirely and I don't think anyone would question the appropriateness of alimony in that situation.

 

I agree 100% in addition I have no problems with splitting my assets and my retirement at 50% with my ex. I also have zero issues with child support, my only issue is permanent alimony when the ex can get a job and work and support themselves. Choosing to leave should also mean you chose to leave the lifestyle you enjoyed. Circumstances make all of the difference.

[zazue]

As I understand your situation, you became disabled during your marriage. That's a very different situation entirely and I don't think anyone would question the appropriateness of alimony in that situation.

 

Thank you n9688m. I understand how ex wives can use maintenance to be vindictive, or to punish a spouse. I just wanted to let people know that's not always the case.

[zazue]

I agree 100% in addition I have no problems with splitting my assets and my retirement at 50% with my ex. I also have zero issues with child support, my only issue is permanent alimony when the ex can get a job and work and support themselves. Choosing to leave should also mean you chose to leave the lifestyle you enjoyed. Circumstances make all of the difference.

 

I agree 100% with you flc. Choosing to leave should also mean you leave the lifestyle you enjoyed. My STBXH chose to leave, but wanted his cake and to eat it too. Our home is warm and comfortable, a haven. My STBXH chose to leave it, and I didn't. Now that he knows he will indeed have to leave that lifestyle behind, he is angry, and feels cheated. I say it's not my problem. I offered to work it out, but it's too late now. One must be careful what one wishes for.

[climbergirl]

I agree 100% in addition I have no problems with splitting my assets and my retirement at 50% with my ex. I also have zero issues with child support, my only issue is permanent alimony when the ex can get a job and work and support themselves. Choosing to leave should also mean you chose to leave the lifestyle you enjoyed. Circumstances make all of the difference.

 

I agree with you to a degree, but judges also consider the lifestyle the children have enjoyed. They tend to be thinking of their best interests. Which is a good thing, I think.

 

Maybe I missed how long you were married, but I thought that permanent alimony was only implemented when it has been a marriage of over 20+ years.

[flc]

I agree with you to a degree, but judges also consider the lifestyle the children have enjoyed. They tend to be thinking of their best interests. Which is a good thing, I think.

 

Maybe I missed how long you were married, but I thought that permanent alimony was only implemented when it has been a marriage of over 20+ years.

 

Married 20yrs perm alimony is considered after 15

 

The kids live with me and my ex pays a small amount of child support since her only income was the alimony. So this impacts the kids lifestyle but in my home

[TrustInYourself]

Great post and very interesting.

 

Alimony is an outdated concept created in an era when males were expected to "bring home the bacon" and women were expected to take care of children.

 

The concept is archaic in modern society where gender roles are no longer so finite. Men and women are now making comparable salaries and female employment is now the norm, rather than the exception.

 

Speaking from the perspective of marriage, why stay married to the cow when the milk is for free?

 

With that being said, I think the real issue with divorce/separation has nothing to do with settlement laws or financial obligations.

 

The real factor is the emotional aspect of marrriage. Complete detachment and absolution of understanding, love and mutual consideration.

[Trialbyfire]

Alimony is intended for those who've spent the best years of their lives being SAHMs. It can't be easy to get a job if you have no training, no education and no alternate financial means to support yourself. And no, this was not my situation and will never be my situation.

 

As for suing for a divorce with cause, they're wonderful laws. It got me a fast-track to a divorce, instead of having to wait the ridiculous waiting period of a year. The sooner I was out of the marriage, the better. I have no desire to remain in any form of union with someone who can't keep it in his pants.

[TrustInYourself]

Justification for alimony is justification for not taking life into your own hands.

 

No training? No education? Surely that's the fault of your former spouse, correct?

 

Wrong. Life is your oyster. You made your bed. You should lie in it. And your former spouse shouldn't have to be there covering your ass while you squalor in slop. Be proactive. To do otherwise is just excusing yourself from personal responsibility.

 

Peace.

[Trialbyfire]

So you're suggesting that people should do away with the traditional marriage where one partner stays home with the kids and takes care of all the working partner's domestic needs?

 

If so, with or without education, the SAHM or SAHH would have all the working experience necessary to support themselves, right?

[bish]

I never really gave it much thought until it has affected me, but I wonder lately about whether adultery and alimony laws are good for society.

 

Alimony? No.....laws to deal with adultery? Yes

[TrustInYourself]

So you're suggesting that people should do away with the traditional marriage where one partner stays home with the kids and takes care of all the working partner's domestic needs?

 

If so, with or without education, the SAHM or SAHH would have all the working experience necessary to support themselves, right?

 

Traditional marriage doesn't stop millions of women with children from getting an education or recieving training.

 

Situations can be overcome if you make time.

 

Then again, I'm a firm believer in mutual benefits of marriage and relying on the partnership of being married to accomplish goals other than changing diapers, getting dinner ready, or washing dishes/doing laundry.

[zazue]

Traditional marriage doesn't stop millions of women with children from getting an education or recieving training.

 

Situations can be overcome if you make time.

 

Then again, I'm a firm believer in mutual benefits of marriage and relying on the partnership of being married to accomplish goals other than changing diapers, getting dinner ready, or washing dishes/doing laundry.

 

Okay Trust, but what do you say about my situation. I physically helped my STBXH plumb houses. I crawled under them with him, drilled holes, roto-hammered through concrete, and did all the paper work, books, taxes, bids, you name it.

 

Then 10 years ago I became permently disabled. I still did all the office work, from home, in short spurts throughout the day,(part of my disability is a compromised immune system and any strange germ can put me in bed for weeks on antibiotics), so working outside of the home is impossible. So now STBXH turned fifty, met a gal in a bar while he was out of town working, and wants to relive his younger days without me. What do you suggest I do?

[Trialbyfire]

Traditional marriage doesn't stop millions of women with children from getting an education or recieving training.

 

Situations can be overcome if you make time.

 

Then again, I'm a firm believer in mutual benefits of marriage and relying on the partnership of being married to accomplish goals other than changing diapers, getting dinner ready, or washing dishes/doing laundry.

How do you train when you're a SAHM? When the working partner is out working, you're busy with the kids and domestic duties. What does your resumé or CV look like?