Author Jilly Bean Posted September 17, 2008 Author Share Posted September 17, 2008 I think you've touched a point in our upbringing. Children are usually bought up to respect your elders, take care of older people, take care of those you care about (i.e. caretakers, friends,etc..), enjoy the time they have left, regrets of not saying "good bye", and others. The unresolved guilt of any size will always be there. Sometimes it is hard to stop the perpetual cycle. Is that all it is, or is it something deeper? I mean, do you think my feelings on this are "normal"? Who feels this sense of obligation like this? Or, is it masking something else? And yes - the guilt is what I am struggling with. If I leave, I will be heartbroken. If I stay, I will be miserable. It's a no-win. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 17, 2008 Share Posted September 17, 2008 Jilly, I watched my mom take care of my dad for a good 7 years, as he died slowly from cancer. Lifting him, feeding him, emptying the bed pan. I was young and "into" my stuff and helped very little. After he died, I helped her grieve. It was during that process, while in my mid-late 20's, that I came to understand the value of what she had done and why I was raised the way I was. I decided then that I wouldn't ignore her when her time came. I gave her 4 years of my time, skill and attention when she developed dementia. It did nearly kill me. I can visit her now in her facility and not feel guilty at all about how I interact with her or when I leave, and, later, when she dies because I discharged the responsibility I felt towards her and my dad and have no unfinished business. This is a concept my wife cannot grasp. She still goes on in an endless cycle of frustration with her mom, and I guarantee she'll have unfinished business there. I hope, whatever decisions you make, that you can find peace. Sometimes the path to truth is not the easy or pleasant one. Be mindful of those signposts Link to post Share on other sites
rod_in_gtown Posted September 17, 2008 Share Posted September 17, 2008 So, if I go, how do I reconcile the guilt? And WHY is that I still feel the need to please them? Shouldn't that have died a long time ago? I really wish I could understand why I feel so horribly about leaving them. Yes, part of it is my Dad's illness, and knowing how crushed he will be, but still... It occured to me this week that I was totally apathetic about my life not being enjoyed here and then it disturbed me that I didn't care anymore. Now I just really need to know why I, or any adult child, still feels the need to sublimate themselves for their parents. Is this a normal reaction, or is it that I am so intensely infantilized by them that I THINK this is a normal life? I think it's a combination of both. My parents live in town but I don't think that will be the case for a lot longer. They're here on a International Org Visa and they will have to leave as soon as my mom retires. One of the major flaws of the current US immigration system is that it does not allow for Int'l Org employees to become permanent residents after their tenure is over which ends up separating many families after the work is complete. Me and my sister became residents through other paths and we will be able to petition them after they leave but the current waiting list is over 10 years. I do feel guilt when I don't spend all the time that they wish I spent with them, when I'm with them for prolonged periods of time I regress to my pre-teens. My advise to you is to find your own happiness, you can't really take care of your parents if you're not in a good place, and they have each other. Plus it's not like you're going to disappear forever, you will be around, just not every day. Family is very important but also finding yourself and creating your own family and it seems like they're getting in the way of this. Come back baby! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jilly Bean Posted September 17, 2008 Author Share Posted September 17, 2008 Jilly, I watched my mom take care of my dad for a good 7 years, as he died slowly from cancer. Lifting him, feeding him, emptying the bed pan. I was young and "into" my stuff and helped very little. After he died, I helped her grieve. It was during that process, while in my mid-late 20's, that I came to understand the value of what she had done and why I was raised the way I was. I decided then that I wouldn't ignore her when her time came. I gave her 4 years of my time, skill and attention when she developed dementia. It did nearly kill me. I can visit her now in her facility and not feel guilty at all about how I interact with her or when I leave, and, later, when she dies because I discharged the responsibility I felt towards her and my dad and have no unfinished business. This is a concept my wife cannot grasp. She still goes on in an endless cycle of frustration with her mom, and I guarantee she'll have unfinished business there. I hope, whatever decisions you make, that you can find peace. Sometimes the path to truth is not the easy or pleasant one. Be mindful of those signposts Thanks for sharing, Carhill... I think Im going to be feeling badly no matter what the decision. Two years ago, I had the for sale sign outside, plopped money down on a new loft back east, and was GONE. My folks had a huge meltdown, and I caved to the guilt and seeing their pain in my eyes. The prospect of moving is a daunting one - the housing market is weak - its not like Ill be making a ton. Plus, a cross country move is exhausting. Still, when I think about it, I dont feel elation, I feel like I would be going back to gulp some fresh air. I have said from the time I moved here, that every day, I feel like my soul dies a bit more. It sounds like you have made peace with your Mom and her fate, which is wonderful. I have to project forward and think I will feel by leaving them and how I will feel when my Dad worsens. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jilly Bean Posted September 17, 2008 Author Share Posted September 17, 2008 I do feel guilt when I don't spend all the time that they wish I spent with them, when I'm with them for prolonged periods of time I regress to my pre-teens. My advise to you is to find your own happiness, you can't really take care of your parents if you're not in a good place, and they have each other. Plus it's not like you're going to disappear forever, you will be around, just not every day. Family is very important but also finding yourself and creating your own family and it seems like they're getting in the way of this. Come back baby! Yes, that regression is what I feel. I mean, if something happens with a relative, my Mom is all over me about how to behave - send a gift, send a card, make a call - who needs this? I am a grown adult, yet they still do treat me like I am fully controllable (er, I should say my MOM does this, not Dad). You're right - family is important, but my life will NEVER progress as long as I live out here. If I stay, I will just continue to be their adult child, and never be allowed to grow beyond that. Thanks, Rod. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 17, 2008 Share Posted September 17, 2008 It sounds like you have made peace with your Mom and her fate, which is wonderful. Yes, I have. The experience has been the impetus to help others with similar diseases, so her work (helping others) lives on. The main difference I sense here is my parents never "expected" anything from me. I did and do not know the experience of what you feel, like when you "leave". So, perhaps, like I have with my wife, I can learn something Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jilly Bean Posted September 18, 2008 Author Share Posted September 18, 2008 So, I think Im working towards a solution. This is something that I toyed with a few years ago, and perhaps it is time to resurrect the magic. It would be to become bi-coastal. Keep my house where I live (I DO love my house and pool!), and then go back east and rent a place for 4-6 months a year. This way I wouldnt have to sell my house at the low part of the market, I would still keep my foot out here, therefore minimizing my guilt and angst over moving, I would avoid the harsh Boston winters (honestly, my mink is in storage in LA and I havent seen her in years and Im ok with her new home - lol), and I could still be in Boston for the great weather and chance to breathe and live my life a bit. I could try this for next year, see how it goes, and then make a decision if I want to make it more permanent. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted September 18, 2008 Share Posted September 18, 2008 I could try this for next year, see how it goes, and then make a decision if I want to make it more permanent. Thoughts? Good idea being a bi-coastal snow bird. Instead of North South, you're West - East. P.S. can I visit you in Boston? I'll take you to a game. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jilly Bean Posted September 18, 2008 Author Share Posted September 18, 2008 Good idea being a bi-coastal snow bird. Instead of North South, you're West - East. P.S. can I visit you in Boston? I'll take you to a game. I would LOVE that! And I would love to show you my beautiful city. Just not DEC - MAR... Do you think its a good idea, though? Workable? Doable? Link to post Share on other sites
rod_in_gtown Posted September 18, 2008 Share Posted September 18, 2008 I would LOVE that! And I would love to show you my beautiful city. Just not DEC - MAR... Do you think its a good idea, though? Workable? Doable? I think it's just a matter of "can you afford it?" if you can, then it's probably a good idea. Selling right now is not a good return on your investment. Plus you don't want to stay at your parents when you go and visit. Jerber - No fair! I want to ask her out too! Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted September 18, 2008 Share Posted September 18, 2008 I would LOVE that! And I would love to show you my beautiful city. Just not DEC - MAR... Do you think its a good idea, though? Workable? Doable? Of course it is workable and doable! In the short amount of time that I've known you. I believe you can do it. I'm actually considering buying land and building an octagonal house. The other possibility is a round cylinder one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jilly Bean Posted September 18, 2008 Author Share Posted September 18, 2008 I think it's just a matter of "can you afford it?" if you can, then it's probably a good idea. Selling right now is not a good return on your investment. Plus you don't want to stay at your parents when you go and visit. Jerber - No fair! I want to ask her out too! Yes, I can afford it. My mortgage is doable where I am now, and I figure I would spend 3k - 4k a month for a rental back in Boston. For a few months, its workable. And even living in their guest house would be too close. lol Hey! There are 7 nights in a week, Rod! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jilly Bean Posted September 18, 2008 Author Share Posted September 18, 2008 Of course it is workable and doable! In the short amount of time that I've known you. I believe you can do it. I'm actually considering buying land and building an octagonal house. The other possibility is a round cylinder one. LOL. You're very sweet, thank you! Id like a round house. Its my favorite shape. Link to post Share on other sites
rod_in_gtown Posted September 18, 2008 Share Posted September 18, 2008 Yes, I can afford it. My mortgage is doable where I am now, and I figure I would spend 3k - 4k a month for a rental back in Boston. For a few months, its workable. And even living in their guest house would be too close. lol Hey! There are 7 nights in a week, Rod! Bean town, here comes the beaner! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 18, 2008 Share Posted September 18, 2008 i think it's a great idea. i love the boston area- but our weather here is awesome. so you get both. the only hiccup i see is if you started dating someone you cared about and had to leave to the opposite coast... that might be a problem. but - deal with those things when they come up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jilly Bean Posted September 18, 2008 Author Share Posted September 18, 2008 Bean town, here comes the beaner! Now you get the name! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jilly Bean Posted September 18, 2008 Author Share Posted September 18, 2008 i think it's a great idea. i love the boston area- but our weather here is awesome. so you get both. the only hiccup i see is if you started dating someone you cared about and had to leave to the opposite coast... that might be a problem. but - deal with those things when they come up. Well, if that were to happen Sun, I would sell my place out here and stay with him for good. See, I dont NEED to be in any one place. I have total freedom to live where I choose and for how long. Which is awesome. I just need to make sure I have an extra 30k hanging around to support the additional housing expense. And to answer your other post - its not just about the boundary issue - its about not liking it here, not liking the people, missing the east coast vibe, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 18, 2008 Share Posted September 18, 2008 Well, if that were to happen Sun, I would sell my place out here and stay with him for good. See, I dont NEED to be in any one place. I have total freedom to live where I choose and for how long. Which is awesome. I just need to make sure I have an extra 30k hanging around to support the additional housing expense. And to answer your other post - its not just about the boundary issue - its about not liking it here, not liking the people, missing the east coast vibe, etc. i know and understand what you're saying - but you haven't met me! :lmao: i'm wondering how far away from me you actually are... we tend to share the same sick humor... that is rare for me - but i love it when it happens. my best friend is so good at getting my humor - she's a lifesaver for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jilly Bean Posted September 18, 2008 Author Share Posted September 18, 2008 Oh, Im the original twisted sister, girl. I think you're my twin. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 18, 2008 Share Posted September 18, 2008 Oh, Im the original twisted sister, girl. I think you're my twin. i love nude twister... uh oh - i'm getting myself into trouble. Link to post Share on other sites
rod_in_gtown Posted September 18, 2008 Share Posted September 18, 2008 I gotta get you two in a room and a camera Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted September 18, 2008 Share Posted September 18, 2008 the only hiccup i see is if you started dating someone you cared about and had to leave to the opposite coast... that might be a problem. but - deal with those things when they come up. You're talking about JB, I can handle this arrangement. Sometimes people have to be apart for the heart to grow fonder. Plus you can say your a East West snow bird, some of your weekend trips are actually real trips not to your neighborhood park. Link to post Share on other sites
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