nightengale Posted August 18, 2003 Share Posted August 18, 2003 This is just meant to be a ranting confession. It's up to you if or how you respond. I am such a hypocrite when it comes to dating. I date a man and expect him to be faithful to me like all normal people want in a relationship. I have become extremely upset/jeolous if my man goes to a strip club or even talks about an ex. And if he does do something that he knows that I won't like I still want him to be honest with me. Here's the horrible part. I am not faithful to the man that I am currently dating. We have been dating for more than two years, and I have cheated on him twice! I did tell him about one time but I wan't completely honest. I won't tell him that I have kissed other men because I don't want to hurt him and I don't want him to be disappointed with me. I have thought about ending our relationship because I am not will to remain faithful. However, I don't want to loose my relationship with the man that I am currently dating. But at the same time I am not willing to settle down. Part of me wants to settle down and marry this man, but the other part of me wants to continue going out to meet other people. (It probably doesn't help that most of his friends are engaged or married, while most of my friends - which he doesn't really like - are still single!!!) I seriously have no idea what I am going to do!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Curt Posted August 18, 2003 Moderators Share Posted August 18, 2003 Perhaps the unfaithfulness is a sign...split and meet new ppl. Curt. Link to post Share on other sites
Clancy Posted August 18, 2003 Share Posted August 18, 2003 You say you are "dating". Does that mean you both are supposed to see only each other. Is this a serious relationship? Do you love this man? Do you see marriage on the horizon? Link to post Share on other sites
nightengale Posted August 20, 2003 Share Posted August 20, 2003 This is supposed to be a serious relationship - no dating other people. We have even discussed marriage a few times. At the time that we talk about it I am usually all for it. But then a few weeks later I start to doubt if my love for him is real. I don't know how many people I have asked about how to know if something is true love or not! I actually have tried breaking up with him because of my doubts, but I never go through with it. I guess I am too much of a chicken. He was very confused as to why i all of a sudden wanted to break up. That didn't surprise me because I have been known to bottle up my feelings. I that this is not possible, but if i could have it my way, I would take a break from my relationship with this man for a while. This break would allow me to go out and have fun with my single friends and not worry about breaking the rules of a serious relationship. Then when I finally decide if I am truely in love with the man that I am currently dating, I could go back to him. But I know that this would be completely unfair to my current boyfriend. I can't expect him to wait around for me to decide if I love him or not. I guess my whole problem is that I don't know if the love that I have for this man is strong enough for marriage. Now that I am thinking about it, I guess my love is not strong enough otherwise I would not be cheating on him. Right? I just don't know how to talk to him about this without pulling his heart out and putting it through the shredder! Link to post Share on other sites
bryanp Posted August 20, 2003 Share Posted August 20, 2003 You have been involved with this man for two years and he has remained faithful to you and talked about marriage with you. The very least you owe him is to be honest with him and inform him that you have been unfaithful to him twice. You would expect him to be honest with you. By being honest you will have all of the cards on the table and he will have a say as to whether he wishes to move on or work on rebuilding your relationship. What you are doing to him is very selfish and cruel. He respects and loves you and you respond by and withholding the truth from him. He has invested two years with you so don't you think it is time for you to stop being selfish and be truthful and honorable to him? At the very least he deserves to have a say in this relationship by having all of the information at hand. You need to stop manipulating this man and be honest with him and yourself. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Curt Posted August 20, 2003 Moderators Share Posted August 20, 2003 In your heart, you know that what you have been doing to him is unfair and unethical. Nightengale, you cheated on him, and now you're willing to push that to the back of your mind, and never let him know. You're questioning whether the love you have for this man is real and can stand the test of time. You're worrying about taking his heart through a shredder. Yet, I am sure that you understand that you've done harm to him already in the cheating. That harm is more than you could ever do by confessing everything to him, and setting him free to make his own choice. Even if he chose to forgive the infidelities and eventually welcome you back into his life, at least it would then be his conscious choice. In not telling him, and just continuing on in the frame of mind and behavior that you've been in, you're not giving him that right to choose. You're doing an awful amount of damage to your moral character, and to his humanity. It's almost as if you're not allowing him to be in control of his own life. In essence, you're defining the terms, the conditions, and the morality of your relationship. Nightengale, by your post, you know that is not fair. Won't the decision not to tell weigh on your mind at all ? I have the feeling it already is. Honestly though, think about what you are doing to him, keeping up this charade. You would be willing to break up without telling him, then go back and be with him again if you don't see this new guy (or another one) as what you want ? I am not judging you, nightengale, I'm just trying to get you to see things as the moral person I know you want to be. Get him to himself, break it all to him (and I mean ALL), and clear your conscience. Be a moral point of light in the world, please. Give him back his right to choose. You would expect no less of him. Peace. Curt Link to post Share on other sites
nightengale Posted August 21, 2003 Share Posted August 21, 2003 Ok, so I agree that I should be completely honest with my boyfriend about my unfaithfulness. However, the one time that I actually told him about my cheating he was very hurt. He did get over it. But I don't think he has completely forgiven me for it, because he still brings it up every now and then. So basically I am worried that he will do the same thing if I do tell him everything and, for some reason, he is still willing to stay with me. Also, the two times that I have cheated on him I was out with my friends. So if I do tell him he will never want me to spend time with them again. I know there are many moral reasons why I should tell him about my cheating, but I have so many reasons why I should Not tell him. Link to post Share on other sites
Curt Posted August 21, 2003 Moderators Share Posted August 21, 2003 Hi Nightengale, You wrote the following in response to some points we brought up. Let's go through these ideas one by one. Ok, so I agree that I should be completely honest with my boyfriend about my unfaithfulness. I'm glad that you are willing to clear the air. I'm sure I speak for everyone when I say that we're all proud of that decision. However, the one time that I actually told him about my cheating he was very hurt. He did get over it. But I don't think he has completely forgiven me for it, because he still brings it up every now and then. So basically I am worried that he will do the same thing if I do tell him everything and, for some reason, he is still willing to stay with me. He may feel the same way for a while, but understand, he is going to go through a fair bit of hurt from this. He will need to decide what he wants to do, and you really need to be strong and support his decision. I really think you both will need to reconsider things, as it is clear your heart is not with him 100%, and he is going to need some time to reflect on things also. You will need to decide where you want to be. If you really do love him - and I think you do - you will be able to gather the strength to face the situation head on. No doubt it will be quite heart wrenching and difficult, but it is also so necessary. Pray for strength to do the right thing. Also, the two times that I have cheated on him I was out with my friends. Would I be out of line to ask for the details surrounding how the infidelity happened each time ? So if I do tell him he will never want me to spend time with them again. I doubt that's the case, though. The going out with friends may have been part of the "scenery" of the infidelities, but it's not going to be the main "picture." In any event, we'll need some details of the indicents before either of us can even attempt to make a determination on that. I know there are many moral reasons why I should tell him about my cheating, but I have so many reasons why I should Not tell him. What are the reasons that you have in mind not to tell him? Curt Link to post Share on other sites
nightengale Posted August 21, 2003 Share Posted August 21, 2003 I know this sounds bad but both times that I cheated I had gone out drinking with my friends. However, I truely believe that by the time I kissed either man I was not drunk. We both knew exactly what we were doing. And if you must know, the most I ever did was kiss the other men - all clothes stayed where they should be. I probably forgot to mention that one of the men that I kissed is a good friend of mine. As for my reasons not to tell...they are kind of hard to put into words. The main one would probably be that I don't think I could stand breaking his heart. He has put his trust in me to be faithful to him, and in return I do just the opposite. Also, I don't want him to be suspicious every time I go out with my friends. (I have tried inviting him along when we go out, but he says that he would feel out of place.) To make the situation worse, I am also good friends with his friends. I am worried about what this would do to those friendships. Also, I am worried that if/when I tell him, he will go out drinking, get drunk, and do something stupid. Curt, I know you think that I should tell him All, but unfortunately there is nothing that you can tell me that will make this decision/situation any easier. Link to post Share on other sites
bryanp Posted August 22, 2003 Share Posted August 22, 2003 One more time I must ask you this question. How would you feel if the roles were reversed? Would you want your boyfriend to keep this information from you because he did not want to hurt you and would you want the truth about what is going on in your relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Curt Posted August 22, 2003 Moderators Share Posted August 22, 2003 Very well. I shall say no more dear. Best regards. Curt Link to post Share on other sites
Skylark_Mesa Posted August 26, 2003 Share Posted August 26, 2003 all this over a couple of kisses? Wow you have a damn fine conscience there... when one of my ex gf's cheated on me, it was SEX. With THREE different people, mind you. All I'm saying is that it could be a LOT worse. Just tell him what happened and how sorry you are for it. You must also never let it happen again. If you think it will happen again you owe it to your boyfriend to let him go, because otherwise you are just setting him up for a broken heart. Link to post Share on other sites
nightengale Posted August 28, 2003 Share Posted August 28, 2003 Thank you all for your advice. I told him about the cheating. He is very upset right now, but I think we are going to work on our relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Curt Posted August 28, 2003 Moderators Share Posted August 28, 2003 Hi nightengale, Hold your head high. You both need to take stock right now, but you really did what was right. I, for one, am proud of you. Whether you guys decide on a break or doing some counselling, or other, you'll know you came clean. GOOD for You! May you both find the right path. Congratulations!!! I salute you, hunn. Curt Link to post Share on other sites
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