Not exacly married...

[heartSE]

I've been with my bf 4 about 2 yrs. We moved in together and have a 17 month old boy. After moving in i noticed that a lot of things changed in our relationship. Especially after the baby. But my problem today is that im sick of his lying!! He sometimes lies to me and most of the time i catch him in his lies. After he is caught he just acts like nothing ever happened instead of admitting he was wrong for lying. He has a lot of pride. I have confronted him about it sooo many times and he says he only lies to me bcuz he does'nt want me to get mad about things or get into a fight about wat he does. I dont mind him hanging out with his friends, i mean were only 19 i expect him to want to go out wit the boys, i just dont like that he has to lie to me about it and tell me he is at work instead. He's promised to me several times that he is going to be honest with me but then he doesn't keep his word. I feel like he doesn't take me serious enough. What should i do and how should i approach him from now on??

[LostGirl811]

ok....what exactly does he lie about? Just going out with the boys for a drink sometimes, or something more? Lots of little white lies, or are they big lies? More specific examples could help.

 

You both are so really, really very young. You didnt say if this pregnancy was unplanned, but Im going to guess it was not planned (forgive me if Im wrong, but I dont know many 19 year olds that are rushing to have kids. Especially 19 year old guys).

 

But, the baby is here and that is that. That doesn't chnge the fact that he might not be mentally accepting of it yet. He needs to grow up and realize his life is different now, but it does take adjustment.

 

Going out with his friends once in a while is ok, but if he's lying to you every day to go hang out with them, then that is another story.

 

Tell him it hurts you when he lies to you, but, tell me this: If he siad to you, "babe, I want to go out with the guys tonight", what would you say to him? Would you respond calmly or would you get angry and in his face? Men do not deal well with agressive arguments. Women want to talk everything out, and most men don't. It is just how they are.

 

Tell him you don't mind him going out with the guys one night a week, but that you both have a responsibility now. To be honest, you should see your own friends once in a while, but your main priority for both of you is the baby now.

 

Thats not to mean you have to ignore each other. Hopefully you are together because you also love each other, and you got together because you were attracted to each other on both a physical and personality level, right? Make time for each other when the baby goes to sleep at night. maybe he's feeling like you guys don't pay attention to each other anymore.

 

Men are big babies. When they don't get attention anymore, they slink away to their buddies. They are often afraid to grow up. At 19, most guys I knew could barely do their own laundry, let alone raise a baby and have that kind of maturity.

 

This is difficult to answer without more details about you guyss, but communication is the most important part of a relationship. Speak calmly and without accusing each other. If he feels attacked, he will close up and just keep on lying to you just so he doesn't have to deal with an argument.

[Ronni_W]

Heart,

It sounds as if he may be using lying as a way to avoid (potential) conflict. He just hasn't figured out yet, that it (his lying) isn't working the way he wants/expects it to work. So perhaps it's about helping him to see how, by lying, he is actually engaging in self-defeating behaviour because it just ends up getting him MORE conflict, not less?

 

Relationship counseling may be a really worthwhile investment of time, money and effort. Alternatively, here is a link to 'handling conflict' that may help him learn this valuable life skill.

http://www.coping.org/relations/conflict.htm

 

Best of luck.

[moonmosaic]

My ex had the same problem. His explanations to his lies were for 3 reasons. First one, he didn't know about it, second one, he thought it was the way he had told me, last one was, he didn't tell me because he didn't want to hurt me. These excuses varied depending on how much I knew about the lie. After 3 years I realised that he was just very insecure with himself and he could not NOT lie. It was a way for him to escape the real world, to handle confrontations, to acknowledge failure, to overcome instability. I guess he could have done well with a therapist but I got tired of trying to understand him after all the heartache he caused.

I stayed with him for 7 years because of our daughter but our relationship was always very insecure and we had no trust. I do not see a good outcome of this relationship unless he seeks professional help. I really don't think that you can live with somebody like that long term because of trust issues. On the other hand your boyfriend is very young and he may just need to mature.