Break up out of the blue - What happened???

[Islandgirl03]

He broke up with me 2 weeks ago, out of the blue. During the break up he said it was because he didn’t want to marry me now, didn’t really know what he wanted, and it was not fair for me to wait for him. Being very upset, I basically threw myself at him. I told him I could wait (I can, we talked about marriage which he bought up, and I liked it, but I never pressured), then he said that it was more he didn’t see himself marrying me. He said he wasn’t excited by me anymore. He didn’t know when it happened and he hated that he was hurting me, but he’d been feeling that way for 3 weeks and he didn’t want to string me along because I’m a great girl and I deserve someone better. He was crying more than me during the breakup, I mean he was crying hard (he actually commented that he was crying more than me, but then I was just trying to breath, and not throw up).

This hurt me so much. We’d been together for 9 months, it might not seem like a long time, but I’m 27; I’ve had my share of relationships from a few dates to a few years. I could tell that he was the one (and I really thought he felt that way about me). I love him, he was my boyfriend, but I also felt like he was my best friend (sure I have my girl best friends, but this was different).

There are so many things that upset me about us ending, obviously because I love him, and really thought (still think actually) that he was perfect for me in every way.

But right now I also just don’t get it! I heard his words, but his actions prior to his words wouldn’t lead me to believe that he was breaking up with me. 2 weeks before he broke up with me he told two of his friends he hoped to marry me (not our first talk of marriage). I wasn’t there for the conversation but if he was thinking about breaking up with me why would he tell me the convo that he had with his friends. 1 week before he broke up with me we got into our first fight because he didn’t think that I wanted to spend time with him on a day that he was looking forward to hanging out with me. He was upset (and seemed legitimately upset) about the fact the he didn’t think I loved him as much as he loved me. This was a miscommunication, he didn’t understand what I was saying, and I cleared it up with him, and expressed my loved for him. Then the weekend before he broke up with me we hung out the whole weekend and had a great time. I kind of hate focusing on just these 2 weeks, because we always had a great time together, this e-mail would be about 1000 pages long if I went into every great moment we had together, but I focus on those because that was when he said he was thinking about breaking up. We just enjoyed being around each other. We had serious talks about our lives together and what was going on individually, we shared each others success’ and bad days, and we just plain had fun too. I was truly happy, and I really thought he was too. After the breakup a friend asked about the intimacy prior to the breakup. And based on our last kisses, hugs, sex, etc., I would never have guessed it. I felt love and caring from him in all of those, as there always had been.

I miss him so badly it hurts. The morning after the breakup I sent him an e-mail telling him how much I love him, but he never responded. So now it’s been 2 weeks with NC. It’s killing me, and I’m wondering if it’s killing him as much as it is me. I wonder if he misses me at all, or if he’s just plain glad to be done with me. I keep hoping that he’ll call me or e-mail me, but the longer it goes the less I think that’s going to happen. I know I’m not the only one ever to have experienced the breakup that was completely out of the blue, you thought he loved you, his actions said he loved you, but he broke up anyway. But can anyone shed some light? Any success stories?

[Islandgirl03]

P.S. sorry so long, I had to get it out.

[HopeDiesLast]

Islandgirl- minus a few details, your break up sounds like mine. Only i was with my bf for over 2 yrs. but his answers were the same. his reasons the same. the out of the blue- the same.

 

I'm about 3 months into this. and i can tell you- i really have no clue what the hell happened. i think alot of it is doubt. he just isnt sure. not sure about marriage, not sure about marriage to you- that part hurt the most. my ex sobbed like a child when he broke up with me. it took him 3 hrs to finally say anything other than "i just dont know." he told me he wasnt excited anymore and couldnt tell me why. im telling you, same exact thing happened to me! im 25 and hes 26.

 

its horrible. and its killing me. i got a therapist and i have a million books. i really think you may help from seeing some of my other posts. people keep saying the same thing- give him time. and live your life. DO NOT WAIT FOR HIM. its hard for it to sink in, but the more time passes, the more ive had no choice.

 

What i do know is this: hes being honest and he did the right thing. its not fair to you to lead you on if hes not 100% sure. its also not fair to call u or text u if nothing he feels has changed. it could take him a long time to decide what it is he wants. and who knows HOW hes gonna decide that. he did the right thing by letting you go.think about it- if he stayed in it and decided a yr later your def. not it for him, wouldnt it be worse? i guess he thought better to get out now...and if he realizes he made the biggest mistake of his life he will come crawling back to you (thats word for word what my ex said). and if you guys are meant to be together- you will be. cliche' i know. but true.

 

I dont know if this is their decision. that we're not "the ones" and thats that. mayeb it is. maybe hes still trying to figure that out. the only way you'd know is if you asked him. been there, done that- he still has no clue. and you dont want to pressure him at all. heres the thing, IF hes going to come back, you want it to be on his own terms. you want to know he WANTS YOU. and that hes not just caving to pressure or guilt. Nothing you say to him and nothing you do can change his mind. he has to do it on his own. YOU DESERVE THAT.

 

Its so hard. so damn hard, islandgirl. i wouldnt wish this on anyone. but know that you can ALWAYS post here and it helps. and if no one answers...i will. cus im in it with you. keep your head up. (((HUGS)))

[sunshinegirl]

I'm so sorry. My relationship/breakup is similar in some respects. Namely, it came out of the blue, he had very recently told friends I was a "keeper", he was crying harder than me the day we broke up, he even said he could be making the biggest mistake of his life. HOWEVER. He cheated on me with someone from work - and there's some other drama/trauma that occurred around the same time that I think contributed to him leaving.

 

That being said, it's been four months since the breakup for me, and I've heard not a peep from him -- I assume he's still with the hooch.

 

In your case, is there any chance someone else is involved? Consider it. I would. never. have. suspected. it of my boyfriend.

[wayfaerer1]

Islandgirl,

 

I'm in the same boat.

 

I was with my girlfriend for over 3 years and she talked about marriage, what church she wanted to marry me in, what kind of house we would get, how many kids, where we'd travel, etc.

 

Then all of sudden, she had a change of heart, said she's never had the chance to see what else may be out there. So she broke up with me a little over 2 weeks ago. Then told me that we may or may not end up together again, but that she's not making any promises.

 

Of course I was crushed, I still am crushed, but believe me, take this advice and use it, because it will help you - you need to start thinking you're over with, for good.

 

I know it's tough to think that way right now, because its so fresh, but believe me, cutting contact is the smartest thing you can do.

 

As others on here will tell you, no contact first and formost allows you to cry your heart out and heal naturally, and second, if you ever want to possibly think you have a chance with him again, you need to show him you have the power to stay away.

 

If you try to contact him in any way, (unless its an emergency situation like health reasons or something) then all you're doing is giving him more power to control you.

 

If he sees you as still needy/desperate/upset, he's not going to listen or care.

 

The sooner he realizes you're REALLY not around anymore, the sooner he'll realize if he made the right decision or not. That could take weeks, months, maybe years, but listen to me...

 

DO NOT CONTACT HIM.

 

I know it's hard, I feel exactly the same way, it's been a week now since I told my ex-gf we need to stop talking, and I've held strong, but it's eating me alive.

 

What you need to gain out of this experience is self-respect, pride, and dignity.

 

Have the self pride to not give in and call him.

 

The only way you'll stop feeling heartbroken is if you start living your life for yourself and not for him

 

Realize the most important person in your life is YOU, not him, and it shouldn't be anyone else but you always.

 

Trust me, I'm wondering the same things you're wondering, "Is she thinking about me? does she wonder if I'll call or text or whatever?" "Will she ever come to the realization that she made a mistake?"

 

Do yourself a favor and take it from me - Ignore those thoughts as best you can - staying active is essential to blocking these thoughts.

 

I feel you though, I really do, anytime you need to talk about it, post here and I'll check in.

[D-Lish]

Hey IG... Could be a case of cold feet. You're best to remain in NC and let him have the space he needs. I am betting you haven't heard the last of him. Whatever you do- don't reach out to him. Give him a chance to miss you.

[nowhereman82]

I imagine he does miss you....but not in the same way you miss him.

 

And knowing that does suck. Being the dumpee always sucks.

 

I'm sorry for your loss....just let everything out here and the great people of LS will guide you

[Intergalactic]

sounds exactly like my break up. one weekend he's saying "i can see us together for a long time yet" and kissing and hugging and generally having a great time, not to mention the "i love you"s, and the next, he's breaking up with me because it doesn't feel right anymore, because the he doesn't want to be in a relationship, because he doesn't feel the same way anymore. and a whole lot of WTF. yeah, and he "doesn't know" how he feels but it's not the same and he's crying his eyes out. then he cried the next time we talked about it. then the next. and the next. and even last night when i was saying goodbye for good, for at least the next 6 months to a year.

i can't shed any light. i don't know why he went about it in that manner, but i do know he'd been feeling unhappy for a month or so, and his feelings were changing, and i don't know why the **** he didn't talk to me about it. but here we are, not together anymore, him upset but me devastated. sure, i'm getting over it, til i log onto facebook and he's online. **** this.

one thing they're right about though - we DO deserve people who know what they feel for us. i love the guy, but he can **** right off if he's going to accept all my love and everything i did and then not love me for it. i know he misses me and it's only going to get worse for him because i'm leaving the country and we're very emotionally attached, but it ****ing sucks that i have to deal with this pain too because he can't "deal with a relationship right now".

yes, i am ****ing angry today.

[HopeDiesLast]

If you havent read the book "why men marry b*tches", there is an excerpt in the back few chapters about when you want a commitment from a man. It says not to make an ultimaitum but to feel him out. in our cases, they made their decision. but the actions that follow are the same: WALK AWAY. If hes in love with you, he will realize. it may take him months, but he will realize. If he doesnt, then he would have wasted your time for another 5-10 years anyway.

 

I know its hard, but im stick to the fact that people dont know what the had till its gone. Some people will say that hope is a bad thing, and id agree- if it becomes your main focus. but i dont believe that having a small glimmer of it is bad. For me, its hard to erase it.

 

The book also has a "beer nuts analogy" that i thought made alot of sense to me. Guys want their freedom until you give it to them. Then they walk into a bar and deal with starting over, some shallow girl asking them what kinda car they drive, etc. The author says to think of yourself as your partner's "healthy meal". you were the real deal. the girl in the bar- beer nuts. its gonna take a whole lotta beer nuts to give you a full meal. if this guys not an idiot, he will realize. if not, then you don't want him anyway. YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO CAN SEE YOUR VALUE.

 

I know how hard it is. All i can say is to keep repeating thoughts that make sense to you. cus even in the darkest moments, some ideas will click with you and you'll say "YEAAAA. THATS SO TRUE. IM BETTER THAN THIS." Its a long arduous road im still on myself, but all i can do is focus on what i want, stand my ground and be strong. Hope this is helping.

 

ps- sorry guys, i dont mean to assume to know what men think, im just quoting the author of the book.

[Islandgirl03]

Thanks everyone for your advice, support, and the kind words. I know you are all right with the NC, and I've been proud of myself for doing it for 2 weeks (outside of the e-mail I sent right after the breakup). It's just so hard!

 

I'm not actually mad at him for breaking up with me, I would rather him do it now then 5 years from now when we would have lived together, and I would have been even more invested and most likely more devastated.

I know I'll get to that angry stage eventually, but right now I'm holding on to the upset/why stage.

 

HDL, the "beer nuts" analogy does make sense, thanks. I think right now I'm hoping for the "you don't know what you have until it's gone" thing too.

 

I keep thinking about all the good times, and how happy he seemed, it's so strange that that whole time he was thinking about breaking up with me. I probably need to stop thinking about all that, but it's so hard to. What do you do when you start thinking about all that stuff?

[HopeDiesLast]

Islandgirl- i think you hang onto the hope for a while. theres nothing wrong with that in my opinion, as long as you're trying to move on at the same time- kinda like a "whatever comes first" thing.

 

well my therapist told me that the only thing you can do when you think of those things is to replace them with something else. so when you think about "we were so great together, ill never have that again." you then follow with "yes i will. im beautiful, funny and successful. its pretty impossible i wont." cognitive thinking or something its called? thought replacement basically. it sucks. and its hard. but if you do it over and over, you kind of train yourself to think the replacement thought rather than the originial one. make sense?

 

she also told me to just feel the pain and hurt and emotion. just let it happen. dont try to cover it or run from it. i run-i refuse to be alone when im sad. so this one is hard for me to do. hopefully it helps.

[EmperorR]

sounds like mine. Was together for three years loved each other dearly then boom, suddenly her feelings change and she just wants to be friends. Of course the regular I still want to be your friend, mainly because she has no one who listened to her like I did. What's worse I gave up all my friends who were girls because it bothered her now 3 years later I have nothing. All I have to say thanks to this forum or I'd still be writing poems n putting on the pathetic act.

[Islandgirl03]

well my therapist told me that the only thing you can do when you think of those things is to replace them with something else. so when you think about "we were so great together, ill never have that again." you then follow with "yes i will. im beautiful, funny and successful. its pretty impossible i wont." cognitive thinking or something its called? thought replacement basically. it sucks. and its hard. but if you do it over and over, you kind of train yourself to think the replacement thought rather than the originial one. make sense?

 

What a great idea. I bet it is hard, especially when right now I'm thinking, 'oh god, why does no one want to be with me!!' Apparently, in my mind, he now equals every man in the world.

[Islandgirl03]

Also, I want to say thanks. I found the site 3 days ago, and wrote in yesterday. It's good to just hear from people (and read other threads from people) that know what I'm experiencing. My friends and family have been great. They've let me cry to them for hours, but everyone was literally just as shocked as I was. One of my friends that'd met him quite a few times actually said "I would sooner expect my husband to come home and ask for a divorce, then Brian to break up with you".

 

And, none of my friends or family had experienced the "out of the blue" break up. I really felt like no one understood, it doesn't feel that way now.

[Ryuokashi]

My experience was exactly like the rest of these stories. We'd only been together 4 months, so not as long as some here, but everything was awesome. We never had a fight, we were always together, always having fun, always talking about how we were made for each other. She had even cried to me a few times earlier in the relationship basically pleading with me never to leave her. I never would have. She was the one for me.

 

Then we take a trip to TX to visit her sister over Labor Day. Come back, go to bed, and the next thing she's asking me if I ever miss being single. She's confused and doesn't know. She doesn't think she feels the same way about me as I do for her. Yes, a big W T F. Out of the blue, no signs of it come, a day before she was talking to me about plans to move in with each other next year.

 

It's ****ed up.

[0hpenelope]

I agree with Miss D-Lish here, too. Don't go after him and just give him that chance to miss you.

 

It's out of the blue for you, but perhaps it's been on his mind for a while. The ones who do the breaking-up have checked out of the relationship in some manner, sometime ago.

 

I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling... It's an ugly place to be at, it is. How are you doing today?

[ate_the_paint]

Sounds like my breakup, too. Everyone's breakup is similar. There's a definite pattern here....

[SarahRose]

I just wanted to give a little insight into the mind of the person doing the break up. I'm sure not everyone is like me but here goes.

 

I'd been with my bf 4 years and I broke up with him yesterday in what probably seems as out of the blue as he had just spent the night that night and I dropped him off work and went on to work.

 

I had been mulling it over in my mind for months whether or not to end it or to give things more time. It was a very painful mental anguish. It got to where I was obsessing about it and not concentrating at my job very well.

 

Why I broke up with him is because he turned down my marriage proposal last February and then our leases were up last month and he implied we might move in together.

 

Something happened about a month ago where I questioned his intentions and he said he didn't want to live with anyone and didn't know if he wanted to get married or not. I said well what am I supposed to do. He said, do whatever you want.

 

So I mulled it over more and more and the rs continued and sure we had lots of fun as usual.

 

Anyway something just set me off that was the final straw and made me think I was just the good for now girl.

 

So I put my big girl pants on and drove over there and told him I wanted to talk about something with him.

 

I broke up with him and he wanted to know why and I said I could not longer continue in a relationship with no commitment or future. That was the truth.

 

So as I walked out the door to my car I was sobbing.

 

So no I hadn't checked out and I am still very much in love with him but I had to stand up for myself and my needs.

 

And yeah I am moving on but I am hoping in this case he realizes what he lost and comes gets me.

[HopeDiesLast]

Sarahrose- i have a feeling i would have gotten to the point you were at if my ex hadnt gotten to the break up first. so sad to think that.

 

I talked to my best friend who broke off her engagement and she told me she thinks alot of how she felt is probably how the ex's are thinking. she loved her fiance and he was a great guy- treated her well, had a good job, kind heart, the whole nine yards. but for some reason she didnt love him as he loved her. she never felt the excitement anymore with him. she lost the feeling she had in the beginning.

 

she waited a long time to decide to break it off. i was there the whole time with her. she thought maybe the feeling would come back but it never did. and she couldnt marry someone she wasnt 100% crazy about. it would be fair to her to sell herself short- or to him bc he deserves to be loved the same way, if not more.

 

so she ended it. she told me yesterday that im in the position of her fiance and she acted like my ex did. he was looking out for both of us. and she wondered if her fiance hurt like i did- i was honest with her. of course he did! she did a number on him! but it was for the best.

 

now im making it out to be like she was the hero in all this. and in a way i think the ex would like to believe he left to do YOU a favor- so you can go find the person who loves you how you should be. But it makesme feel better to think my ex left cus he was selfish. yes he thinks i deserve better than what he can give me. but i also think he was thinking of himself first. that his needs and wants came into play before mine did. i dont know if thats more important of if loving someone to put them first is more important.

but to Islandgirl, i think you can learn alot from what people have posted and stories like this. While it might have seemed out of the blue to us...it probably wasnt for them.

[Islandgirl03]

today sucks.

 

I'd felt like I'd been doing better the past couple of days. Monday I didn't cry at all, Tuesday I didn't cry at all. Wednesday, on the other hand, I cried like a baby (Wednesday was the exact 2 week point). Today I don't even feel like I want to get out of bed. I hate this!

 

I have stuck with NC, and obviously that's been fine with him as he's made no effort to contact me either. I keep forming plans in my head about how I can contact him a few months from now to get back our stuff from each other, but then I have to be honest with myself and realize the only reason I'm planning it is to talk to him again, not because I need my stuff that badly.

 

SarahRose, I'm sorry, it seems to hurt just as much being the dumper as the dumpee. When he broke up with me he said he'd been thinking about it for 3 weeks, and he was hoping that the feeling would go away, but it didn't. But it definitely wasn't because of lack of commitment on my part. We did have plans to move in together (it wasn't going to be for about another year, but they were plans). And we had talked about marriage, I wasn't pressuring him, but I was happy with the idea, and I let him know that. Based on his conversations, I would have guessed that he was happy with the idea too.

 

Also, though - good job. I think you're right you do need to stand up for yourself and your needs. And if you do still love him, maybe some time apart to realize what he's missing will bring him to his senses.

 

I'm hoping so in my case too, although every day it seems less and less likely.

[Islandgirl03]

That is something else I've learned from this. It wasn't out of the blue for him. He was a GREAT actor, but he had been thinking it for a few weeks. They say hind sight is 20-20, and I agree with that in relationships too. I've been broken up with before, and I've been the one to do the breaking up with, and there has always been some level of pulling away. It just seems to make the breakup easier. When I've been the dumpee before I usually haven't been able to see that until after I was actually dumped. I'm still looking for it in this case, and I just can't see it.

 

I guess the obvious answer to this would be "Stop Looking for it!" Ok, so he didn't act like it, but he did it anyways, and that's what I need to pay attention too, not his actions before hand.

[HopeDiesLast]

it could be he was acting a certain way- they way he thought he should- right up until he broke up wtih you. "acting" being the key word here.

then he couldnt keep the real feelings hidden, and so he ended it.