Frustrated

[Flygirl43]

I have been dating the most wonderful man for a year and a half. We get along very well. He has been seperated from his ex wife of 25 years for over 4 years now.The break up was due to infidelity on her part. She lived with the other man for the last 3 years, and just recently split with him. She has 2 children from a previous marriage, whom he loves very much.He worked 4 jobs to support them, she was also a professional. He has no family except for his ex and her children. He remains friends with her....and I'm ok with that. The problem is, she has no concept of appropriate boundries. She calls constantly when we are together ( which is most of the time, when he's not working) When we go on holidays, she calls. I gave her daughter a gift, she picked over it and took all the "good stuff". The gift was for the daughter.....not her! She leaves little momentos all over his property and vehicle. Its like an animal urinating to claim their territory. She is very emotionally dependant on him. I don't date married men and she makes me feel like the other woman! The last straw was the other night. She wants to purchase the house next door to him (at present she lives 3 hrs away) I can't see how this will work. He needs to stand up to her and enforce the fact he has a new life. She wants to meet me, but I feel familiarity will increase the inappropriatness of it all. He is very accomodating to her. We just went on a 3 week holiday.....and he paid for her and his daughter to go away for a month (at the tune of $1500) She is driving me nuts. Im ok with their friendship...but the acting married has to stop. Any advice?

[oldguy]

OMG I thought you where talking about me for the first few lines; I was married for 25 years, have 2 children and the marriage ended because my ex was cheating on me. She was also very needy and for the first year or so I was very attentive to her needs for a few reasons; first; it was out of habit, I was just use to my role in her life. Second; it was the children, even though we divorced it took awhile to except how the divorce had changed our family. Third; after that many years we where such an iatrical part of each others families that the strain the divorce put on those relationships was almost harder than the divorce itself. Now I will say this; it only took about a year and a half, maybe two years to… readjust my priories.

 

And what does he say when you tell him what you just wrote here?

 

I do have a question; you said they where married for 25 years and the kids aren’t his, biologically?

How old are the kids?Is he completely over her?

The rule of thumb is; it takes at LEAST 2 years to get over a divorce and after ending a 25 year marriage I can’t imagine it taking any less time than that. You also need to go through the same 5 steps of grief in a divorce that you would go though in a death; 1. Denial and Isolation, 2. Anger, 3. Bargaining, 4. Depression and 5. Acceptance. You can’t miss any of them, either of them

[2sure]

Because they have been seperated for 4 years, it sounds like they should be used to seperate lives. You mention she left him for someone else and that her and her new guy have now broken up. Possibly she is feeling at loose ends - which doesnt necessarilly mean she wants to reunite her family. Are you his first serious relationship since they broke up? If so, it may be an adjustment for her that might just take some more time. I would say the age of the children is important. Its nice to live close to both parents when they are young. But next door??? Thats like saying its convenient to live close to grandma....but who wants to live right next door to their mother-in-law?? She may be just testing him to show you who comes first. I would definitely want to meet her - especially since you know the children. Meeting her will make you part of this family for the children. Not meeting her makes you appear like the hidden other woman.

[danfabulous]

That's a tough one you have there,i am young but at some state of my life my parents went through that.My mom can't get over the fact that she and dad were divorced for 3 years now and they're living apart from each other.

She keeps calling him if there's something wrong with the aircon,shower,car & even PTA meetings.

 

Dad is going out with this beautiful lady and i know it's hard for her that mom is acting that way.What the lady did was talk to mom and assure her that she'll take care of dad and all the kids.She said to mom that she loves my dad so much and she's hurting when mom is doing that stuff.I know my dad was so used of taking care of us that he gaves what my mom wants but the lady talked to him and told him what she felt.My dad talked to mom and mom understood that things were not the same as before.

 

I hope that helps,talk to your man and his ex,if it doesn't turn out good i think you better bail out of that relationship before you hurt yourself more.

 

I'll see what happens to your problem girl..I'm in a film school in Asia right now...See you....