Controlling, jealous, basically I'm a b***h!

[Miss K]

This is my first time posting a message here although I have read some other threads in this forum. I hope someone can give me some advice about a horrible emotionally draining situation. I apologize for the length of this post.

 

Let me start by saying that I am 31, my partner is 35 and we have been together for 3 1/2 years (living together for almost 3 years). Like any couple, we have had our ups and downs, a few minor arguments about stupid things which were always resolved quickly. Fast forward 3 years and we are over the bickering and enjoying a great relationship. We are talking about marriage and children, and will be buying our own home late next year.

 

My problem is that I am totally paranoid and scared that he is going behind my back and cheating or wanting to cheat.

 

Neither of us has cheated, he even ells me if a woman has been flirting with him just so I know what is going on. I didn't ask him to do this, he tells me. He is very open about things like that and always tell me that anyone who comes between us is "evil". A little dramatic perhaps, but he can be that way sometimes!

 

Today there have been two incidents that have left me feeling shaken and with an awful feeling in my stomach. Anyone reading this will think I am crazy!

 

This morning he was a little late picking me up (from his night shift) to take me to work. There is this woman he works with every night who flirts with him a lot and once he gave her a ride home from work (she normally catches the bus) as it was raining and the bus was late. She lives in the opposite direction from us so he was 10-15 mins late getting home. No problem for me at all. But this morning when he was late (and raining) I was panicking that he had taken her home again. He normally calls me when he is a few streets away so I can wait outside for him, and he was very late in calling. My heart was racing and I started to get upset. I was thinking the worst and imagining him and her together.

 

He then called me and said he was waiting outside for me. He said that because it was raining, he didn't want me to be waiting outside in the rain while he was still a half-mile from home. Immediately I felt guilty for thinking all those stupid things.

 

He has the day off work today and I am having to fight the impulse to call him every couple of minutes to see what he is doing. I am so worried that he is going behind my back, or planning somehow to cheat. Because he works 2 full-time jobs, he is tired and so on his day off he sleeps most of the day or watches tv. I still can't help thinking that he has some woman with him at home and that if I left work early I would catch them. I have to stop myself from interrogating him the slightest details about his day so I know what he has been doing.

 

There is no reason for me to think this at all, which is why it is so stressful for me. I am panicking at the slightest thing, even though I believe him when he said he wouldn't ever do anything to jepordise (sp?) our relationship.

 

He doesn't know about all this, I manage to hide my controlling impulses from him. But I am struggling to stop checking up on him.

 

How can I stop this stupid behaviour? How can I relax?? I can't talk to him about this as I would sound completely crazy.

 

It may be irrelevant, but my dad cheated on mom for 10 years, and my ex who I was with for 9 years was trying to cheat on me with a girl from his work (but I found out before he could). I am taking antidepressants but have suffered (untreated) with depression since I was 13. Incidentally I have felt that all other boyfriends I have had were cheating and I had the same emotional reaction.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

You've clearly identified your problem--a lot of people would say that's the hardest part. Insecurity is a hard thing to deal with, and not something you'll find a lot of practical answers for on a message board. If you really want to do something about it, seek professional help. From the issues you've posted here, I think you'd really benefit from it.

[2sure]

Wow. That is a problem. But - at least you see that it is irrational behavior. I would think that your dad cheating on your mom is probably a big factor in all of this!! But, every person's family has some sort of dysfunction we have to work through and put behind us.

 

Just a couple of questions that will maybe help you begin to sort your feelings:

 

Do you ever think about cheating on him? I mean, maybe just fantasize about it - sometimes we accuse our partners of things we fear in ourselves.

 

Does your BF enjoy your reaction when he tells you about every single flirtatious encounter he has? We all get flirted with or flirt a little - why does each incident get reported to you immediately? Could this be hurting you?

 

By hiding this compulsive behavior, is it getting blown up and worse?

Could you speak about it to him openly, telling him you know its unfounded but....

 

Hmmmm

[Miss K]

Thank you both for your replies.

 

I will certainly look into counselling, I have been meaning to for quite a while!

 

And when my boyfriend tells me about any flirty women he doesn't do it to hurt me (I can't explain in words his body language and mannerisms) but only to ensure that I know he is not interested.

 

I often find it funny the lengths these women go to, to impress him. I have seen the way one in particular behaves and she is almost stalking him when I'm not around. He can't stand her and ignores her which gets her even more agitated!

 

I have never thought about cheating on him at all, but in the beginning stages of our relationship I twice packed a bag of clothes and left home after an argument. An overreaction perhaps, but I am very sensitive and the slightest things hurt me.

 

I came back though!

 

Any suggestions?

[vertigocidic]

You sound like me. The best thing to do is to talk to your husband about this-he sounds like a sweetheart, so he should understand. I would advice to seek help from the pro. You sound really misreable and I do hope with every inch of my heart you'll get better!