I think my boyfriend is cheating on the net

[Virgogirl]

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Hi All!

Ive been reading a lot of what has been written and this site looks very supportive and cool. So here I am.

I love my boyfriend but he is very secretive especially about his computer. Hes always checking out other girls when we walk together even though he knows it really bothers me and makes me feel yuckky. Sometimes I think he checks them out on purpose to hurt me, but who knows.

We recently moved to another city together, away from my friends. He hasnt any friends other than me and doesnt want any. He has started a new job, has lost weight and is distant and unaffectionate. I try to talk to him about the things in our relationship that I would like to improve but he only really cares if its something that HE wants to improve.

We dream a lot together about our future. He does nice things for me but I cant help feeling like Im being used or Im not really the one for him. Although I know that feeling good about myself comes from me, more and more Ive been feeling more crappily about myself.

About a year ago I discovered him searching for my (girl) cousins on the net. He blah blahed me and I forgave him. Today I found him searching something on the net, and when I walked in the room he changed sites. I know that he looks at porn on the net which Ive learned to accept becasue from what I understand its kinda normal. At this point I dont believe he has time for any physicla contact with anyone and I dont really think he would go that far. But my question is this; If he has some sort of relationship on the net with someone should I be concerned? Obviously I already am but any advice out there? Thanks ~V

[SmallnSad]

Hey Virgogirl,

 

How long have you been with this guy? Has he been acting withdrawn in the bedroom? Or a little more active?

Did he used to talk to you about whenever he was feeling stress? Or is it just him pulling away lately? Are you judgmental of what he does?

 

Would it bother you if he was talking to other girls on the internet and having cyber sex, and it being only a one-time deal, because that may be what's going on. Or are you worried that he might be taking up an emotional relationship with someone else far away via the computer? Doesn't matter which one, if it becomes a habit, you will feel more of the effects.

 

If it is the first thing, simply sex on the net, I consider that a form of infidelity. I mean your guy is having sexual communication with another girl. Even with no touching, he's still talking with her, thinking about her, talking about doing her. Porn is one thing, full fledged verbal contact is another. It's practically phone sex.

 

The second option is a little bit worse and would point to emotional problems that exist within the relationship. I'm sure this move has caused him a lot of stress. You talked about how he started a new job. Are you working? Is he supporting the both of you? I imagine either way, he's got a lot on his mind. If he thinks that if he pours out his burdens or concerns to you, you'll reject him for it, he may go on the net to find someone who won't.

 

This bit about him not wanting to have friends concerns me. Most people need friends to live a healthy life. If you can't lean on the people around you to talk to your problems about, you'll turn to those who aren't. Perhaps these people on the net. You can't stand alone forever, or you'll implode. If he's trying to keep up this strongman image in front of you, don't shatter it in front of him, or nag him to talk. Just let him know you're there and you support him.

 

I'm tired, so if I'm rambling, please forgive me. I hope this helped a little bit at least.

 

V

[Virgogirl]

HI SmallnSad ~

First I would like to thank you for your posting. It gave me some insight I never had before. It brought me out of the box you could say.

In answer to your questions we've been together almost 4 years.

The bedroom has not changed.

I can always tell when he is stressed because he talks continually about the same obsessed thing on his mind. Therefore he does talk to me about the stuff going on in his life. He does pull away from time to time and that is when I usually become more sensitive and pessimistic about us. I believe by his actions he thinks I am judgmental, more likely critical of what he does, yet truly I am very supportive and try to explain that to him at all times. He can be extremely defensive for reasons unknown to me.

Since the last time I was on this site I have had a better understanding of what may be going on. Thanks to you and your posting I was able to see a different side of things. I dont believe he is having a relationship with someone else (but then you never know). I think that we both have "emotional problems" especially as a couple yet we have a lot in common in that respect also. I know he still looks at porn on the net and I think that most likely that was what he was erasing from the screen when I walked in. But this is just a feeling. I think that he believes that this is so terrible or that I think that its so terrible that he is ashamed. Then again I dont know what the heck is going on his mind. This is just a feeling.

Yes he started a new job. He has had a business fail after a year, which is not abnormal but now he has had to start with someone elses company once again. Yes I think this brings him a lot of stress and worry. As for me I am the money spender in our relationship therefore I work very, very hard. Then I spend a lot of money to ensure that we both have a lot of fun.

Work hard Play hard.

I find it interesting that you said "Most people need friends to live a healthy life."

So I am wondering what do you think about those who are not "most people"? Maybe we are not them. I believe that is why I have addressed my issues at this website. Because I dont know how to approach "most people" in life with our situation. I just want to gain an understanding about him and myself and how to be happier. I know that he and I, especially he, have been without many friends most of our lives. So how should we go about life without imploding?

All in all I know I am one of the very few that he really trusts and now after relaying this all to you I understand that he always thinks that I am going to reject him. Anymore thoughts? Thank you ~V

[SmallnSad]

Well, what struck me most is your last line.

 

"All in all I know I am one of the very few that he really trusts and now after relaying this all to you I understand that he always thinks that I am going to reject him."

 

Have you given him cause to believe that all you do is reject him? Why do you think he feels ashamed of his little forays into the porn-world of the internet? Have you told him you think it's terrible of him to look? If you have, then maybe that's why he's become more secretive.

 

Also, if you are one of the very few people he trusts, it's going to cause a little bit of a rift between you two. All I can say is, try to heal it. If you leave it unchecked, it may only grow. If you catch him looking at porn, don't get mad. Use it to your advantage! Get yourself laid I wouldn't be too aggressive at first. Gently insert yourself into this routine. He might be suspicious at first, but if you let him know you want him, and he understands that you want him regardless of any of his habits, he should relax a bit.

 

I read this book awhile ago, The Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus book by Dr. Gray, or something like that. It was an excellent book. Whenever my man and I would fight, and he would get really angry and try to leave, I would try to make him stay and talk it out. I've learned to regret that. He would end up saying things he didn't mean, and the fight would escalate. I found out that usually whenever he tried to leave, he wanted to do so to protect me from his temper. He was right - for a long time I had a really low self-esteem because of some of the things he said, but "took back" later. He was and still is a very defensive person. When I stopped trying to make him stick around when he was mad, he would leave, but then eventually come back - in a much more calm mood. I read this book after our discovery, and to our surprise, this isn't a new phenomenon in relationships.

 

Neither is the man pulling away, and coming back. This is a healthy cycle, and not something to be interfered with. He pulls away and takes some time to himself, but eventually comes back. Let me ask you a question. When he comes back, is he even more affectionate than usual? This circle is described as the rubberband cycle. Compare a man's emotional bank to a rubberband. He stretches himself, and stretches himself but their is a limit. He has to stop before the rubberband snaps. Then he gradually lets go, and allows the rubberband to go limp. Once it's limp, his stores are refilled and it allows him to be all love-dubby again.

 

Most men aren't aware that they do this, and don't understand why a woman can't understand why sometimes he just needs some time alone. When women begin to feel unwanted, and pessimistic, it's not their fault! Women above all want to feel wanted, and cherished. It's your man's responsibility to let you know that even though he's feeling like he wants to spend some time alone, that he still loves you.

 

You have to let your man know what you want. Most are clueless, but when they find out how exactly it is they can make you happy, they are usually quick on the uptake. Let him know that when he starts to feel himself pulling away, that he will be back. That he does still love you, but needs some time alone.

 

Sorry again for this long, rambling post. Once again, I hope I was able to pass on things I've learned about men and women getting along.

[SmallnSad]

I find it interesting that you said "Most people need friends to live a healthy life."

So I am wondering what do you think about those who are not "most people"? Maybe we are not them. I believe that is why I have addressed my issues at this website. Because I don't know how to approach "most people" in life with our situation. I just want to gain an understanding about him and myself and how to be happier. I know that he and I, especially he, have been without many friends most of our lives. So how should we go about life without imploding?

 

I completely forgot to answer this question in my last post. Well, without friends, who do you talk to you? What if you two disagree on something? Are there any checks and balances, or people to cry to when you feel as if your significant other hurt you? It seems to me as if you are lacking a little bit of that support, otherwise you're right - you wouldn't be here.

 

I'm sort of in the same boat. I don't trust very many people, and don't normally seek out advice, but because I'm at kind of a vulnerable point in my life, I'm leaning on other people a little bit more. I find it comforting, and strangely different than relying on just myself, or my significant other.

 

I still think it's healthy to have at least one soundboard, one friend, or relative to be able to talk to. It doesn't have to be a consistent day-to-day friendship, just a steady one. If your SO needs some time to himself (like I described in my previous post) do you want him to feel guilty for not having the energy to make you happy? What if at that particular moment in your life, you're lacking the energy and happiness you're used to tapping from him. More likely than not, you're going to turn to your only fallback, the relationship, and breed feelings of resentment and pessimism, and that can't be healthy for you two. Think about yourself as well. We all need time to grow, and friends as well as some alone time can help stimulate that growth.

 

As to the question, how do you keep from imploding? Well, I think finding this support group is a great step in the right direction. I hope that he can find some new guy at work he can hang out with. If he does, don't make him feel guilty for spending a little less time with you. It's probably good for the relationship, and that should be your main priority.

 

V

[Virgogirl]

SmallnSad~

Well Im glad to see that youve returned my mail. I find it difficult to not be insulted by your questions.

 

Have I given him cause to feel rejected? No.

Do I get mad when he looks at porn? No.

He was looking at porn a long time before I met him and I believe he felt ashamed then. Now he doesn't realize how to deal with it in a relationship.

 

Of course I never told him it was "terrible to look". Thats why I stated in my last post that I have been very supportive of him.

 

Did you read the part about "Most People"? Because I don't believe we are like them and again I feel like you are not actually reading my post.

You are assuming I am a girl that is of the general public that would read and accept Men are from Mars Women are from Venus.

 

I realize that you are trying to help and a few things that you have said were definately something to consider but I get the feeling that you werent really listening to my words.

 

And being alone? The both of us need a lot of time alone because we are both only children, not because I am a girl or he is a guy. Just because we were kids who grew up alone.

 

Anyway this posting has made me understand my relationshiip better and I thank you for that. Take care ~V

[SmallnSad]

Originally posted by Virgogirl

I believe by his actions he thinks I am judgmental, more likely critical of what he does, yet truly I am very supportive and try to explain that to him at all times. He can be extremely defensive for reasons unknown to me.

 

Hi V, I'm sorry if anything I said insulted you. The above line is what made me think that you may have possibly done or said something to make him think you were rejecting him, or were judgmental. If I misinterpreted it, please forgive me.

 

I need to spend a lot of time alone, and it's not because of my gender, and it has nothing to do with my family. I'm the oldest of five children. I think it just has to do with who I am, and my trust issues. But I enjoy my time alone, and I know my boyfriend does as well.

 

About the suggestion for the Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus thing, I feel your were a bit harsh in your condemning of the novel. Just because it has gone mainstream, doesn't mean it's not worth looking at. I only wanted to offer my own experiences up for you to examine, and I thought it was crazy how most of my experiences corresponded to examples in the book. I sincerely thought I was in a very special, different relationship, but there it was in black and white, scenarios I had faced and come to conclusions about in my own time.

 

I do hope you accept my apologies, and you two work things out.

 

V

[Virgogirl]

Hi S~ I just want to say thank you and Im sorry I came off so harsh. I felt defensive about a few things but you did help me to see other sides to whats going on. So thank you. Anymore advice? ~V

[Sad Petal]

Sounds like the sort of thing I did before my gf.... well.. kinda taught me a lesson she didn't mean.

I was checking out girls, looking up porn, buying magazines, not telling her where I was going when I went out... it's a guy thing you could say... we do (well, I know I do) feel embarassed when we're looking at porn and someone comes in.

I think I did the 'checking out girl' thing to make me feel more special.. which in retrospect was so wrong.. after what's happened between my gf and I we've sort of started a new.. but this isn't about me .

My advice : Don't worry to much about it, if you see him chatting online, then it's time to figure things out. You can load a program onto his computer to see what he types, I'm not saying you can't trust him, but it's better to be safe than sorry

[Virgogirl]

Sad Petal~ Thanks. I think what you said about him checking out other girls making him feel better is completely accurate, yet it drives me crazy. I just try not to let it get me down, because we'll just fight if I mention anything about it.

How did you and your girlfriend get past this? Were you ever able to tak to her about the porn stuff? I feel like if he just were to talk to me about it it would'nt be such a big deal. But maybe thats half the fun is having it to yourself. Anyway Thanks again, ~V

[enemy or soul mate?]

Hi....I hope anyone in the world who doesnt want to see a girl suffer like I am suffering will help....

 

I cannot seem to find adequate advice due to an unusual circumstances...You see, I have a boyfriend who doesnt speak english. He speaks spanish. I dont. We know enough to get by. This isnt just a phase and I am not a teenager. We have been together for 10 MONTHS now...I am 26 and he is 32. A couple of months back, we moved in together at HIS persistance, not mine.

 

There are ALOT of things I was not prepared for. I need help bad. I do not have family, never did, and I dont have friends. He, on the other hand has tons of family and friends. I need advice because I think something is seriously wrong but I am not sure if it is paranoia because of the language barrier, or if I am really being decieved.

 

Does anyone have experience or know anyone with this experience? Trust me, there is ALOT more to this story...

[Virgogirl]

Hello E or SM... So How can we help? Do you live with him and his family or are you in a foreign country now? Have you learned some Spanish? I went on a wonderful date once with an Italian guy who didnt speak any English. He was really hot but it would have been really difficult having a relationship with him without communication. It must be difficult for you. So please tell us, how can we help you? Take care ~V