Too soon to be talking marriage?

[sealife]

My boyfriend of two weeks and I have already been discussing marriage. I know how ridiculous that sounds but we have. Not in a serious way but it does crop up alot in conversation and neither of us has backed away from talking about what we want in the long term. He's thirty-five and I'm thirty. Neither of us has ever been single for long and he has already been married & divorced and then had a child with someone else, while I've was engaged very young and was then in other longterm relationships throughout my twenties.

 

Despite my early broken engagement, marriage was not important to me when I was younger. I guess I just thought that if it happened, it happened and so be it. But it wasn't something I obsessed about or wanted in the abstract. I was never one of those girls who started planning her 'big day' aged 6 and other people's weddings always make me feel slightly uncomfortable. Even now, before I met him, I wasn't looking for someone to marry although I did know that I didn't want to get into another long term but essentially 'temporary' relationship. So, perhaps I was subconsciously looking for a husband? I don't know.

 

But now, when the subject comes up... "I want to buy you a ring for your birthday, not a wedding ring, not that I don't want to marry you 'cause I do..." for example... I know that if he asked, I would almost certainly say yes. And that scares me. I'm not a rash person and in the words of a friend's recent character reference I have 'never shirked responsibility'!! So, realising that I would be prepared to marry someone on the basis of a two week relationship has come as a big shock to me. Two weeks into past relationships I've been busy rationalising why I'm starting a relationship with someone I know I'm not really compatible with for whatever reason and any mention of marriage would be quickly swept away.

 

He is everything I have ever wanted in a boyfriend - and if I'd had a person specification for a husband that too. He's intelligent, articulate, caring, sensitive, good looking and, I discovered yesterday, a great father too. Spending time with him and his daughter - playing happy families - felt amazing. I can't express how fantastic it felt. Even covered in baby breakfast vomit, he was the man of my dreams.

 

So, as you can probably tell, I'm getting carried away. My head says 'calm down', my heart says 'if you feel it, do it'. I'm happy in myself, I have a good circle of friends, I enjoy my life, I have my hobbies, my own home, I'm secure financially, I'm about to start a postgraduate law course. I'm a sensible, grounded woman who always assumed that I'd meet someone, we'd date for at least a year, not mention marriage until the appropriate point (a year? two years?), go through the normal 'I want commitment, he doesn't' type thing and and then, just maybe, marry him.

 

He could be like this with everyone. I could be worrying about nothing. Truth is (as I'm sure someone will point out), I don't know him well enough to judge whether he means what he says or whether it's just a whirlwind romance that will die down as quickly as it started up. If not, and things are going where it feels like, then should I really say no when I want to say yes? Just because it's not supposed to happen like this?

[valley_love]

Seems I am in the same situation as you, mind you I am a bit younger (22) and most likely more naive. I've been dating Mr. Right for 2 months, and we've had the marriage conversation countless number of times. He wants to marry me, I want to marry him, but we've both just finished our first degrees, and have one or more to go to be personally fulfilled. Talk of 'when to get engaged' hasn't come up, other than he hopes to be married before 25, I want to have kids before 30. Something else hasn't come up either, the possibility of us not marrying each other. So this makes me wonder, even though we've only been together for two months (we've been friends for 4 years) and we feel this way, what is wrong with us wanting to get married now? We live in the year 2003, we know the divorce rate is high. My parents are divorced, and so are his, and neither of us like the idea of divorce because we know first hand the effects it can have on children. We don't want to do that to our children (yeah, we've talked about that too...when, how many, etc...). So I guess my advice after this long novel about myself is, be in love, want to get married, but until you are no longer scared of those feelings, it's too soon. It's never too soon to have them, just too soon to act on them if you are afraid you shouldn't have them. In the mean time I'll just wait for him to pop the question with ring in hand and hope the same happens for you

[2SidestoStories]

At the risk of sounding harsh and cynical all over again, I just don't buy the "soul mates" notion that people are so apt to jump on. I pretty consistently question fate in terms of human interactions, simply due to the nature of human beings. Most often times, people are willing to shift the responsibilty they have to something or someone else, be it fate, a 'higher power,' their lover, their would-be-if-only-he/she-saw-me-the-way-they-SHOULD-soul-mate.

 

I'm not one to buy into the notion that love is purely and solely a chemical reaction of our physical beings. Not yet, anyway. I do believe that the intangible "chemistry" commentary that many people rely on does have some basis in reality, however. Oxytocin levels in the brain when a person experiences "love," and so forth.

 

I suppose my biggest qualm about "love" and "too soon" and "conventional wisdoms" is that words are just words; people can say one thing and mean another thing entirely, and then whomever may have been the recipeint of the words will interpret them in their own way because they live in their own head, etc.

 

SO...the advice I have to offer is talk and talk and talk. Talk about marriage. Talk about children. Talk about sunsets or Harley Davidsons. Talk about God. Talk about fate. Talk about the strange homeless man that sleeps beneath the bench in the park, hoping to confiscate some of the bread crumbs that people toss to the pigeons. But don't just TALK....LISTEN. If you find yourself questioning something he said, ASK. If you find yourself feeling something negative or positive, or whatever...talk. And be aware that there may be things that will be said, by you and by him, that will hurt your feelings. And things that will make your spirits soar.

 

Also, worth repeating is this comment by valley_love:

be in love, want to get married, but until you are no longer scared of those feelings, it's too soon.

 

I wish you the best!

[sealife]

valley_love you've got it right in terms of being scared of my feelings and questionning whether or not I should have them. Things have moved on since I last posted and we've talked alot about getting married since then and have agreed that, while we do want to do it, we don't need to rush. If it's the right thing to do, it will still be the right thing to do next year. I think probably our ages (and my biological clock) are making us want to do things sooner than we would if we were ten years younger but age doesn't necessarily bring wisdom although experience does help in knowing yourself and understanding your own thoughts and feelings and at least considering others motives.

 

2sidestostories point about talking has been taken on board. We do talk - exhaustively - about the future, about our pasts, about how we feel about things. I spent alot of time in previous relationships pretending that I didn't need anything from them and that I was just fine on my own within the relationship. I'm not doing that now and I think part of the reason I'm scared is because I'm recognising that I do need him in my life - not from a material or financial point of view - just because of the way he makes me feel and the way I feel about him. Our situation is not particularly easy right now because of his ex partner and child but we talk about it. I tell him when I'm feeling upset about something and we discuss it and vice-versa. Because of his childcare commitments, our time together is not all dates and fun stuff, we do practical, day to day things and enjoy them because we're doing them together.

 

At this point in my life, I'm not looking for hearts and flowers 24/7 - that's an illusion that never lasts. I want a solid partnership with someone I love and respect, I want to share the good things and the bad things and I want to care about someone who cares about me. He wants the same. We don't need to get married to have that but marriage is a commitment we would still like to make to each other and we will... just not in the next couple of weeks.

[2SidestoStories]

sealife, it sounds like you have quite a lovely thing going. It's heartening to hear that you enjoy doing the mundane things in life with him as well as the date-stuff. I hope that the feelings you have for him are mutual, in terms of wanting a partnership based on love and respect. And I'm glad you and he agree that there is no need to rush. Several cliches popped into my head just now: "Haste makes waste" and so forth. The foundation of a solid partnership sounds like it's being laid now, and I think that's wonderful!

 

Be careful, though, of saying you 'need' someone, and feeling that you 'need' him to be part of your life. The partnership ideal shifts drastically when you become dependent on someone. I completely understand the feeling that you need him, but give yourself plenty of opportunity to remain true to YOU. There are most likely compromises that you're willing to make, and that in and of itself is fabulous. But be sure you draw the line somewhere. This may not actually apply in your case, for all I know; but it is a mistake I made in the past, and if I can help someone recognize the potential that's there before they dive too deeply...

 

Again, though, I wish you the best. Love is a wonderful thing.

[JENNIFERMCLAYTON]

I am 29 years old. I have a two year old daughter that I had out of wedlock. I've never been a big fan of weddings and never thought of soul mates to be a reality. I am independently moderately successful. I own my own home and have some change left after paying my bills.

 

I met my Mr right after swearing off men. I had been in a rocky seven year relationship, with the father of my child. I never felt that marriage was a choice to make with him. After seven years, eight years, twenty years it would never have crossed my mind to say yes to his proposal. I left him not in search of a "soul mate" but just some peace and quiet.

 

Last year I met a man who destroyed all my misconceptions of men (selfish, delusional,childlike dim wits who only thought with their wee wees). This guy amazes me on a daily basis. He is always thinking of me and my daughter. I thought it was a show early in our relationship. I thought after a bit the "real guy" would come out. It's been a year and nothing changed.

 

We moved in together about 3 weeks after meeting. Got engaged 6 months later and plan on wedding in May of 2005. Sometimes I think maybe I should stick with my time lines on the progression of this relationship but that's crap! It may take seven years to figure out someone is defiantly wrong for you but when its right you know from the start.

 

Cynical no longer,

Jennifer