love & hate

[Ken]

Right now I'm really confused and don't know what to do. My wife of just over a year cheated on me with this guy named Mark who I've known for some time and always hated (The feeling is mutual). He is the most scheming, vindictive, and manipulative person I've ever known and we've always been on each other's bad side. I've warned my wife to stay away from him, for I knew he had his eye on her. Well, one night while I was working, my wife and her friend went to a party that Mark was also attending. From what I've gathered between what she told me as well as what I've heard from others at this party, Mark was initially very charming to her, encouraged her to drink until she got drunk. He then took her to a private room, took all her cloths off and took advantage of her. To add to this, Mark left her naked while he brought his friends into the room to show her off like a trophy. From what I've heard Mark's friends touched and fondled her at his encouragement. At least there were some decent people at the party who insisted they stop and brought her home. My wife now cries about it and tells me he means nothing to her. She says the drinks must have mixed with some medication she was taking at the time. She says she wasn't thinking straight and doesn't even remember it all. She says she never want's to see Mark or his friends again and is sorry she didn't listen to me and keep her distance. She promised she would never go to a party without me again. She also swore she would never be unfaithful to me again. I've love her so much, but know, when I'm with her, the thought of her with Mark eat away at my mind. Sometimes I think the only way I can get away from these horrible thoughts is to get away from my wife. I've been thinking about leaving her, but my best friend tells me that I'm being selfish. He says she is very devastated by the whole thing and is feeling used and hurt as well. He asks me if I have more hatred for Mark then I do love for my wife. Both feeling are very strong and that is were the problem comes in. I don't know what to do.

[Tony T]

There is no institution or relationship on the planet which asks more of us, including forgiveness, than marriage. While your wife is not exactly without blame here, since she did put herself in this predicament, you should forgive AND ESPECIALLY forget. Have one final discussion on the matter and never talk about it again.

 

You will heal from this.

 

What may also help you is that if the facts are as you described them, this man is guilty of rape (in my opinion...I am NOT an attorney). This incident should be reported to police immediately. One is not able to give legal consent to sex if she is drunk...especially when she would otherwise not give it. If something was slipped in her drink, then you have a clear cut case but, unless someone witnesses that, it's probably too late to test for it.

 

Further, he exposed her to great embarassment and ridicule by bringing others into the room to view her without her clothes. This, to me, is a willful and wanton violation of her privacy and could be illegal as well. Certainly there could be civil remedies.

 

Having the incident investigated or filing a civil suit against this man (you certainly have enough witnesses) will drag the matter out but if your facts are correct, your wife and your marriage has been dealt a grave injustice and this guy Mark should have to pay the consequences.

 

Forgive your wife, let the law take care of Mark, and tell your wife to stick to Coke (the drinking kind) at parties she attends without you.

[Nicky]

There is no institution or relationship on the planet which asks more of us, including forgiveness, than marriage. While your wife is not exactly without blame here, since she did put herself in this predicament, you should forgive AND ESPECIALLY forget. Have one final discussion on the matter and never talk about it again. You will heal from this. What may also help you is that if the facts are as you described them, this man is guilty of rape (in my opinion...I am NOT an attorney). This incident should be reported to police immediately. One is not able to give legal consent to sex if she is drunk...especially when she would otherwise not give it. If something was slipped in her drink, then you have a clear cut case but, unless someone witnesses that, it's probably too late to test for it. Further, he exposed her to great embarassment and ridicule by bringing others into the room to view her without her clothes. This, to me, is a willful and wanton violation of her privacy and could be illegal as well. Certainly there could be civil remedies. Having the incident investigated or filing a civil suit against this man (you certainly have enough witnesses) will drag the matter out but if your facts are correct, your wife and your marriage has been dealt a grave injustice and this guy Mark should have to pay the consequences.

 

Forgive your wife, let the law take care of Mark, and tell your wife to stick to Coke (the drinking kind) at parties she attends without you.

I would also like to add, that if you don't work at forgiving your wife and moving on with your life, then this complete XXXX Mark, will have "won". He'll have achieved what he set out to do. Don't let him. Why have your life ruined by somebody who is so beyond contempt? I just cannot believe what he did. That is so degrading.