Can I Improve My Marriage?

[shockorama]

Hi there. I've been reading some advice in this forum and thought I would post my own situation in hopes of getting some independent perspective on my marriage.

 

I am 27 and my wife is 30. We have no kids, and have been married for 4 1/2 years. She is a wonderful person but over the last couple of years I've been feeling increasingly sad and concerned about our marriage.

 

I am a very artistic and passionate person. I paint, draw, do photography, am an amateur filmmaker (not porn!), play guitar, sing, play piano, drums, etc. etc. It seems like my brain always has something in the works and I love to express creativity, be spontaneous, and enjoy life. In addition to having all these creative hobbies, I have a great and successful job as a technical consultant. I am a very motivated person and love to be on the go, whether it's a spontaneous road trip, going to listen to a band, or taking a walk by the river. I just love to learn, explore, and enjoy the things in life.

 

My wife, on the other hand, is quite different. She does not have a job outside the home, nor does she want one. Don't get me wrong, I truly appreciate the fact that she keeps the house clean and does our laundry, but we have no kids... To be honest with you, we are both very clean people and maintaining our household only takes a few hours a week. The rest of the time she spends watching TV, reading, or playing on the computer. She sleeps in almost every day now. She is always cheerful and seems very happy - I don't think she is depressed. If she is, she is hiding it very very well as I try to talk about this often. She has simply told me that she's happy not having any responsibilities or lofty goals. She is content with her surroundings and her lack of motivation. This lack of motivation seems to stretch into other areas of our life, including the bedroom. Sex (which doesn't happen all that often) seems very "staged" to me. It's on a schedule (not the time limit, just when it's going to happen) and both of us are to be straight out of the shower, clean, de-clothed, in bed, with the lights off. Again, my spontaneous and playful nature does not like this. It's very rigid and planned, and it just seems strange to me.

 

I could go on and on... Just little things. Lots and lots of little things. We don't fight. She's a very sweet person. That's why I fell in love with her. But I feel like we are so different, and feel like she doesn't truly know me or understand me, and that hurts. At Christmas, I go to unbelievable lengths to find very personal and meaningful gifts for her. She seems to buy me random stuff that I have no use for. Things like that make me think that she either has no idea after 4 years the things I like and dislike, or that she just doesn't care. For the first few years of our marriage, I used to surprise her with little notes, cards, or songs. I never seemed to get any little "suprises" like that, and I eventually stopped doing them myself.

 

 

I daydream about being with a partner that is more creative and spontaneous... Someone who's willing to try new things (my wife is very strict on the things she likes/dislikes... Food, activities, etc. all have to fall under very strict guidelines or she'll have no part of it). Someone who wants to make something of themselves and has passion and energy and drive. I would never ever cheat on my wife but I sometimes that I could end this marriage so that I can find someone with more of these qualities. I've tried and tried to talk with her about all this but nothing seems to change. I don't want to loose her but I feel like I can't take much more of this. Can anyone offer advice?

[Tony T]

You have very eloquently described the woman you are married to, a woman you wouldn't even date if you were to have met her today. That's pretty sad. Was she this way when you were dating?

 

The two of you are so very incompatible I can't see how counselling would help you. She describes herself now as happy and making major changes to please you would be insincere, temporary and resentful on her part. That the two of you never argue is NOT a good sign. Couples who have good, fair fights on occasion share passion and resolve many issues during short conflicts. If I had her life, I'd never argue with you either.

 

Start with talking to her...you're a pretty sharp guy so I'm sure you alread have. You've expressed your displeasure, right??? It did no good, right??? If you haven't talked to her, shame on you. But assuming you have and she's still like she is, your marriage remains unfulfilling and looks like it will continue being so, get out of it at your earliest convenience. You don't have a partner, you have a roommate. You are a very young man...many, many men don't get married until they are in their 30's.

 

Now, a bit of advice for the future. In searching for a mate, pay attention. It's not likely you're going to find someone with your identical interests or energy level but I'm sure you can do better than what you have. Be sure the woman's lifestyle away from you has been similar...before you met. You don't want some woman faking interests and energy to snag you. Don't demand or expect that any woman is going to be your clone and be by your side in all your ventures. But I do think you will find someone who has passion for life and who looks forward to more than two hours of housework a week, watching television and taking naps.

 

Also, let me caution you. With only minor effort, you could do a hell of a lot worse than what you have. So with that, I wish you great luck in finding someone who can be more of a partner and share your passion and creative energy....someone who will at least support you with vigor and enthusiasm. I do think you can do better. Getting a divorce will be painful, but living "alone" forever, as you are doing now, can be a lot more hurtful.

[shockorama]

Tony,

 

Thank you so much for your reply. There is much wisdom in everything you have said. To answer a few of your questions:

 

"Was she this way when you were dating?" - As much as I hate to, I will have to swallow my pride and own up to this one. The fact is, I just don't know. We met through family and had a long distance relationship for a few months (living in different states). We were both very smitten with each other and I just loved the way she took an interest in my creative talents. She makes me feel loved. She did back then and she does now. That filled a very critical void in my life and so I proposed and offered to move to here home city. Since I had a great job and already owned a home, she opted to move here instead. We were living together and engaged for several months and the joys and newness of having a loving person around no doubt shadowed our "incompatibilities". We were married before I really knew all I needed to know about her. To quote the Beatles, I was convinced that "All you need is love". As it turns out, I need more.

 

"You've expressed your displeasure, right??? " - I do talk to her about this. I always initiate the conversations. I've learned from my parents that communication is the key to preserving a marriage. I am always careful to explain how I feel, and not to accuse or blame her for any of the emotions that I'm having. Her response is often the same. She tells me that she realizes that she's in a rut, and that she needs to be more spontaneous and creative. She talks about taking a painting class, or getting a part time job, or starting her own business. I continue to give her card blanche to make these endeavors happen, including, but not limited to, buying several hundred dollars of equipment and supplies to start her own candlemaking business (which were unused and eventually sold to buy a handbag), as well as buying scrapbooking supplies, paints, etc. I hope I don't sound like one of those pushy parents that make their kids play soccer. I would never force her to be anything she's not, I simply encourage any notion she has to break out of her shell by providing the tools and support. In the end, we go back to square one and she's back on the couch watching Lifetime Television.

 

I even expressed my discontent once to the point where I mentioned the "D" word. She again expressed how much she loves me a vowed to make an effort. Things were better for a month or so (more intimacy, more spontaneous attitude) but it slowly drifted back to status quo. I still communicate my frustrations on occasion. They are typically greeted with any number of responses, which in turn envoke some emotion or self-doubt on my part:

 

1. She says I'm too needy. - Not sure where this stems from. Maybe because I want "too much" affection and encouragement? Am I trying to push her to be a person she doesn't want to be? She never asks me to sit on the couch with her and watch TV. Why should I ask her to go to the art museum?

 

2. She says she's intimidated by my talent. - I just want someone to share with, not someone to compete with. I'm certainly not great at everything I do, just inquisitive and passionate about life.

 

3. She says she'll make an effort - Always short-lived despite the fact that I do everything in my power to nurture and encourage any activity, interest, or goal she has regardless of whether or not it coincides with "my" interests.

 

Tony, I can't believe you said "You don't have a partner, you have a roommate." Just three months ago, I told my wife that I feel like we're "roommates and not partners". It is comforting to know that the things I have been feeling are merited.

[moimeme]

Unfortunately, one of the sadder facts of life is that we may not really realize what it is we DON'T want in a mate until we have it. You fell for her sweet character and still love that about her but marriage involves so much more. The minutiae of daily life can kill a marriage that started in love and passion. Unfortunately, we think love and passion is all we need; different lifestyles seem not to matter but when the infatuation fades, as it always will, we are left with having to live with needs met or unmet, with extreme differences in lifestyle, etc.

 

And yet, for all the wisdom that people like you have gained and try to impart, people still will learn their own lessons and make their own mistakes. People think I'm a commie when I suggest that everyone getting married should be required to take a marriage prep course; it is only in hope of ferreting out these types of problems in advance and preventing unwise marriages that I suggest that. I saw people in the course I took come to the realization that they really were not suited to marry. I thought that was the best result that course could have had because too many people decide to marry without really understanding what marriage entails.

 

I think your story should be posted in the FAQ someday as the illustration about why people need to really examine themselves to see what is important to them in life and in a mate and why it is so important to take a lot of time to know a partner.

[Tony T]

moimeme gave some excellent insights. It's very difficult to know somebody unless you've been around them a long time...and I think you don't REALLY know them until you're married to them a while.

 

I wish I could say otherwise but I just don't see this lady changing...or even wanting to change. I personally am not in the business of changing people. Every person owns their own personality and humanity. I would never want to take that away from anybody. But I would want to take myself away from somebody whose lifestyle was not similar to mine.

 

You may never find someone on your creative or intellectual level...exactly where you are. But you will find some really sharp ladies who will make it a lifetime pursuit of getting into your mind and soul, supporting you, and wanting to know just what makes you tick and be the man you are. I think that type of woman is one who would make you the happiest. She may not be a talented as you, but she will be your biggest admirer...right there by your side and not in front of the TV set.

 

Divorce is very painful. I know there is love in your marriage but that's never nearly enough to take you to the finish line. You're very very young. Get a better life for yourself. And when you are a famous artist, send me a PM so I'll know where to collect my autographed litho!!!