Wife had an affair...

[brokenbliss]

I posted this in the divorce section, but thought i would post it here as well since it is themed more to our situation:

 

Posted September 9, 2008:

 

Here is my story and current situation. Thank you all for any advice.

 

My wife and i dated for about 5 years before we got married. We were a very happy couple and spent a lot of time together. After college, she moved back to her hometown 2 hours away while i continued searching for a job there. During that time I had no social life as I was working at a factory on 2nd shift. I became obsessed with a video game and it became controlling my life. 2 months later, I moved in with her and the addiction continued. We got married a year later (having been engaged for a year and a half). During this time I continued my addiction. 3 times she sat me down and told me that she felt alone and unloved. I would improve my habits for a few weeks, but I would always go back to the game.

 

We purchased our first house 1 year ago and have been working on making it ours. I quit the game for about 6 months, but went back to it last November. This past summer has been a rough one. We started out okay, but I found out about a month ago that she had been having an affair. She initially told me that it was just a kiss, but 2 weeks ago, i found out it was a full blow affair and she slept with her co-worker.

 

Since finding out about it, I have quit the game and completely focused my attention on our marriage. I have finally realized how much I have been hurting her for the longest time, but now I am totally devastated by what she did. I truely didn't think that she would ever do this to me. I used to be a great partner, but i understand now that i have been a terrible husband to her for the past 3 years. My wish is to make it up to her everyday that we are together.

 

We have started marriage counseling, and had our first appointment last week, with our second coming tonight. I am very hopeful that this will help us out, and i think she is too.

 

The problem is, I don't know if i can ever trust her anymore. Last night we made love, and it just didn't feel right at all. It seems that I am the only one that has any interest in touching the other person. She says that she loves me and that she truely wants us to make this work, but i really don't know if she will ever let me back in.

 

She stayed with her parents for a few days, and this past weekend, i went back to my parents place. She seems to have a difficult time being away from me, but when i get back, there seems to be no warmth in her.

 

I am at a complete loss now. I don't know what i should do, or how to handle this situation. I feel horrible for what i did to her, and have resolved to absolutely never let that happen again.

 

Posted September 17, 2008:

 

Thank you all for the advice so far. I just wanted to leave an update and see what you all thought.

 

My wife and I have been going to counseling (3 sessions so far). The therapist has been focusing on our communication between each other. We used to avoid serious conversations by using humor to say what we wanted. The therapist is working on getting us to be direct with each other and focus on what needs to be said.

 

So far so good with therapy I guess. I am still feeling betrayed, but I am trying to work through that. I am having her call me when she goes out to check in with me. She says that she understand that I need the reassurance, but it is hard for her to not feel like a grounded teenager. I don't like doing it, but at the same time, I need it so I don't start imagining things.

 

In therapy, she has stated that she feels emotionaly numb to everything. That this is her coping device. Whenever she feels emotionaly overloaded, she shuts down emotionaly. I understand that this is how she is dealing with it, but I feel rejected as I can't get any emotion out of her.

 

The therapist is saying that this is because we are both still in a healing mode. I'm trying to move past it and forgive her for what she did, but it is very hard for me to even type right now. You all know the pain that infidelity causes.

 

It looks like we still have a long way to go to work on this. It's just difficult for me, because she never wants to talk about anything (emotionally numb, etc.) with me or anybody. She is very concerned with other people knowing about the affair and she feels embarrased by it. I've talked to my friends about it, and she says that she won't be able to see them for a while because she is embarrased by her infidelity.

 

So, that's it in a nutshell so far. I guess things could be worse, but I just want them to be better. I've started working out and eating better to get myself back in shape (losing 20 lbs. would be a godsend for me). I've taken a lot of interest in working on and around the house to pass the time. She seems to be content with sitting and watching TV all night. We have been talking about everyday things a lot more, but she says it is still uncomfortable between us, which i would agree with.

 

So, you guys have been through this, what is your assesment of it all so far? Things looking good, bad, ugly? Just want to hear what people have to say.

 

Thanks for any replies.

 

Quick thought to add to my post.

 

I have told my wife that it is okay with me if she touches me, cuddles, etc. We do kiss each other goodbye every morning. But, she says that she doesn't know if she can get any more intimate right now because everytime we get close, she keeps thinking of a question that she asked me a few weeks ago, "Do you have feelings of hate towards me?" To which I replied, "Yes." Now, these were feelings of hate due to just hearing about the affair and have subsided. I do not hate her and told her this, but she says she still thinks of it when we get close.

[bish]

I have told my wife that it is okay with me if she touches me, cuddles, etc. We do kiss each other goodbye every morning. But, she says that she doesn't know if she can get any more intimate right now because everytime we get close, she keeps thinking of a question that she asked me a few weeks ago, "Do you have feelings of hate towards me?"

 

 

I don't buy it. I think she keeps from intimate contact because she would rather be with the OM and she is using what you said as an excuse.

 

Usually affections are withheld by a cheating partner because intimacy with the "same old same old" person they have been with for years doesn't compare to the excitement of being with someone new.

 

Just don't swallow everything she is telling you. Most of it is bs.

 

Bring that thought to your MC and see what he/she says and see what your wife's response to that is.

[whichwayisup]

Does this co-worker still work with her? How do you know the affair is actually over, and hasn't turned into an emotional affair now? Has she offered to quit her job or transfer away from this guy?

[Owl]

I don't often agree with Bish...but I do wholeheartedly in this case.

 

She's not afraid of getting close to you...she's keeping you at a distance deliberately.

 

And I'd bet good money its because she's still in contact with the OM.

[Gzus]

Hate to say it, but agree with the others. If she really wanted to fix things, she'd be giving you all her love. Since she's not, thats a pretty good indicator.

 

Dude, when Q3 came out, I had a really hot girlfriend who wanted to party all the time. I liked her but had all I wanted of her, so Id give her money to go out so I could quake all nite and do coke. Sometime later I found out she'd been ****ing a few of my city acquantances. None of them thought we were even dating, because I was never with her. I have another good friend right now who's wife is dying for some attention cause he's such a game whore. I could hit it right now, but never would because I love my wife and my good friend. But how can he not expect it if he's not going to invest any time or emotion into her?

 

I would advise you to move on man. You wont get over the trust issue and she wont get over the resentment of how you 'chose' a game over her. Women hate that ****.

[mia1266]

I have to agree with Bish.

[Sup]

Even if you were into a game, that's still no excuse for your wife spreading her legs for another man! She could've played the game with you, instead of playing sex with another man.

 

I have to agree, the affair's probably not over!

[LakesideDream]

Dear gawd, I am literally quaking in my boots. Rather spent time with a video game than spend time with a living, breathing, horny woman? Your priorities were/are seriously skewed.

 

You need to throw that game console or PC into the trash and spend some time being a grown up. There was a day not so long ago there was no such thing as video games, we'all got along just fine! The same can be true for you.

 

There is nothing more valuable in life than a wife (GF) and family. Start taking care of it.

[Gzus]

Yeah, I dont know what got into me over q3. I dont game at all now and spend that time ****ing or wining and dining my wife Women are so much better than video games and you really have to feel like a ****ing inadequate geek if you pick a game over a woman. They really hate that ****.

[brokenbliss]

Alright everyone, i've accepted that the video game was a mistake and am truly sorry for doing it, as i've told my wife. i feel terrible for what i put her through.

 

since this has happened, i haven't touched it, or any other game. i find no joy in even thinking about video games. all of this, i have told my wife. we have treated it as an addiction and have taken the steps to focus that energy into something positive, which, in my case, is taking care of my body through running and lifting weights. i've lost 15 lbs. so far and am feeling great about myself.

 

However, my wife is still "numb" to all emotions and barely touches me. she noticed that i have lost weight and complemented me on it. she has reasurred me that the affair is over, several times.

 

the problem now, is that i feel like i'm the only one that is taking the necessary steps to make the marriage better. i've changed, and she has aknowledged that i'ved changed for the better. she doesn't seem to care or love me anymore.

 

we talk, but not about us (maybe once a week). MC is still ongoing, but due to financial reasons, we are on a once every two week schedule for the MC.

 

I can't get her to show any emotion at all. i don't know if this is part of the process or not, but i don't know what to make of it. i spoke to a mutual friend who she has confided in about the affair and got a little information. my wife has noticed my changes of behavior. she never spoke to her friend about the guy. the friend was shocked upon hearing the information.

 

things just seem like they are over already and i won't get a chance to prove to her that i am truly commited to being the man that she fell in love with.

 

please, let the video game comments come to an end. i know i messed up, but i also didn't deserve for this to happen to me either.

[couchmonkey]

Bull****. Its a game not reality. Your wife ****ed a man other than you in Reality. Remember the difference.

 

Man, women don't ave hobbies they're just ****in sluts.

[Sup]

please, let the video game comments come to an end. i know i messed up, but i also didn't deserve for this to happen to me either.

 

It wasn't your fault at all for her affair, even with the games. The people bashing you for playing are just so wrong for doing that! It wasn't like you were out meeting other women or something! I have a feeling that your wife would have cheated on you for some other reason, she just wanted to find an excuse to cheat, and she did! I'd lose her, because she's gonna cheat again, if this affair isn't done yet!

[LakesideDream]

I love it. Man falls in love with a video game, wife gets to bang another guy.

 

Then... the guy overlooks said wifes banging, and looses all self esteem and begins the process of groveling.

 

Great.

 

Keep us posted. The outcome should be truely entertaining. (Yes I'm being sarcastic).

[Lucky_One]

I think this looks like a thread that has only men posting.

 

I can see both sides. Both sides were wrong. Sitting around with scales to figure out who had 7 more ounces of guilt in March of 2007 isn't going to fix anything.

 

Like the guys have said, though, I would make sure that the affair is over. How has she said she felt about the other guy? Are they still working together? If so, are their plans for her to quit her job? What is your wife doing to prove to you that she isn't seeing him still? Is the other guy married, and does his wife know?

 

As for her not feeling snuggly with you? It is often hard for a woman to feel snuggly with two different guys. If she is mourning the loss of a man that she cared for (her lover), then she might not feel comfortable telling you that she is sad about that or feel like cuddling with you bc of that. Guilt and just plain old feeling sick inside can take away the amorous feelings, too; she might not want to make love to anyone at all. And when you don't want sex, you sometimes don't want to snuggle or touch, bc then sex can become a "logical next step" for the guy and she doesn't want to go there, so she just avoids Step #1.

 

Give it some time and continue with the counseling. Make sure that there is no more contact with the other guy. Keep reassuring her that you love her and don't hate her.

 

Good luck!