need relationship advice

[Keith Tesori]

I have been dating the same girl now for 4 years. We met in high school. She was 16 and I was 18. We have been living together since June 1999 and engaged since October 1999.

 

Last week she hit me with a bomb. She said she needs some space and needs some time to find her SELF. She also couldn't wear the engagement ring anymore so my marriage plans are off and then informed me that she had kissed a guy she works with. She says it was nothing...of course it killed me. She wants us to remain roomates during this "phase" she is going through and said she does not plan on dating any other guys but couldn't committ to me.

 

I don't know what to do. Should we try to work through this or should I give her the boot and kick her out of my apartment?

 

Thanks in advance.

[Tony T]

You started dating her when she was 16 so you are the only serious relationship she has experienced. While there are a few ladies who could stay the course, most eventually want to see what else is out there. It's just a natural thing.

 

First, thank your lucky stars you did not get married and have a few children before she decided she needed some space. That would have devastated you even more.

 

Give her the space she needs. I personally think you should terminate your living arrangement because under the circumstances there could be great tension and she also will not get the space she requires if you are living under the same roof.

 

You can't give her a deadline either. She has to do what she feels she has to do in her own good time.

 

There has to be a reason she told you she kissed a guy from where she works. In an incredibly immature way, she was either trying to make you jealous or make you break up with her. Maybe she was just testing you. In any case, she has exhibited a state of mind that would not be condusive to a successful marriage should it take place anytime soon. You have to make your own decision here...but if my fiance came home and told me she intentionally kissed a guy she works with, I would have my entire family over to help her pack.

 

There is no way of predicting when she will be ready to take the big step...or if it will be with you. You have to go with your gut and with your heart on this one. I personally would rather go through a period of hurt and find a more mature woman if I found myself in your situation. But you have to make your decision and any course you take here will be a gamble.

 

I know you have been with her four years and have grown to love her very much, but you must consider her age, inexperience and maturity during those years in realizing where her head is at now.

 

This lady is not nearly ready for a serious relationship with you or anybody else...in my opinion!!!

[understand]

I understand what you're going through to an extent. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 years. I was 16 and he was 18 when we started dating. Thank goodness we're not engaged, though, because just today he was talking to me about "needing space". You're problem is more complex because you are engaged. If you love her give her space--that's what I'm doing w/ my boyfriend. I know that if we have the rest of our lives together than a few months of space is nothing. I agree w/ the other person who responded in that you might not want to live together. Just think of how painful it will be to see her w/ other people--you're just setting yourself up for something awful. As for the kissing on purpose, well, I would never tolerate that. It was immature of her and it seems to be a way of letting you know she wants out for a while. I don't think she seems to be as in love w/ you as you are w/ her. But, only time will tell. Give her all the space she needs. In fact, give her more than she needs. Make her miss you and then use that time to decide if she is really the one you love and want to spend the rest of your life w/.