BIL and his kids - need

[FlyingToaster]

I have an issue that's been bothering me and I need some advice on how to either handle it or let it go.

 

The end of July my H's twin brother came over with his current wife, and 2 kids from his first marriage. He has a son and daughter. The son is adopted and he was born with many physical challenges, one of them being deaf. He's a very intelligent kid and thanks to an innovative hearing device, he doesn't have a problem hearing us. Unfortunately, his challenges still make it difficult for him to speak. Their daughter is always wanting to be exclusively with her daddy, and she talks baby talk a lot. She just recently stopped using a sippy cup, but I actually can't be too sure on that. She was born about 5 months after they adopted their son so they are both 6 going on 7 years of age.

 

Anyway, the kids are a real challenge because neither my BIL or their mother really discipline them. While they were visiting, we celebrated our son's birthday and my SIL not only bought him gifts but 'un-birthday' gifts for the other kids. My BIL's girl hated what she got and was pissed off that she didn't get as many gifts as our son, and proceeded to throw her gifts on the floor and stomp on them. My SIL gave her a talking to, and she then started wailing and was comforted by my BIL and his new wife.

 

Fast forward to about 2 weeks ago. I had been wondering where one of my son's toys had gone to. It wasn't until then that my BIL called my H and said that that exact toy was in his car!

 

One of the reasons why I'm angry is that this toy has been in their car since the end of July and he's just now telling us about it. It ticks me off that he didn't have enough concern to let us know sooner, or send it back.

 

I'm also angry because of the fact that one of his kids took it. If I were a betting person, I'd say it was the son. He was in our house the most and he spent his time playing with our son's toys. He even had the nerve to start taking his birthday toys out of the boxes so he could play with them.

 

What also ticks me off is that these kids are never disciplined. My guess is that my BIL thinks that the kids will love him more if he doesn't get after them when they're naughty. He wants to be the cool parent that takes them to fun places all the time. They don't like eating anything we fix them, so he has to buy microwave dinners. We went on a mini vacation and stayed at the same hotel they did. For breakfast the kids had Dr. Pepper and Little Debbies!

 

Their visit in July led up to a big event that my H's family traditionally goes to. We all flew up there and had rental cars. Just before they left to go back home (they left the hotel the day before we did), the boy was playing with my H's cell phone. As they were backing out of their parking space, we asked what he had done with the cell phone. He said he put it back in the hotel room. We went back to our room to search, but couldn't find it. I ended up calling my H's phone. About 5 minutes later, my BIL shows up with my H's cell phone in hand. I know that could just be him forgetting, but it's also another example of how he has no respect for other people's things.

 

Quite often my H's family will use his nephew's challenges to their advantage. They comment on how smart he is, but yet when it comes to disciplining him, they don't do anything and use his lack of hearing as an excuse. I'm sorry, but the kid understands what the word NO means, and if he can hear us when we call him for dinner, he can hear other words, including that one, just fine.

 

Anyway, sorry this is so long. I really needed to vent. If I'd try to tell my H, he would just explode. He's very close to his nephew. So close that sometimes he calls our son his nephew's name, which really ticks me off.

 

I know that most of this I really need to let go, but I need some suggestions on how to deal with them in the future. When they come to visit, they spend most of their time at our house and it ends up looking like a disaster area. Plus, I don't want them taking any more of our things.

 

Thanks!

 

Take care.

[ed-205]

Kids actually *WANT* parameters set for their behavior. They *NEED* to know what is and isn't acceptable. Every child past the age of 3 already knows the difference between right and wrong, but they still depend on our guidance to define their boundaries and imbue them with a sense of self-discipline. This does not require punishment, but understanding and self-discipline.

I'm thinking, perhaps, that your BIL and SIL don't really understand the difference. Maybe they hate to punish their kids because they remember how much they hated being punished themselves, but somewhere the sense of discipline was lost. Discipline and Punishment are two different things. Punishment teaches kids how to endure the consequences of their actions, Discipline teaches them how to avoid those consequences altogether.

 

Here's how I used to "discipline" my kids when they did something wrong. I would sit them down for a little "Time-out" chat, and tell them that if they could tell me what they did wrong, and why it was wrong, it was a freebie - No Punishment at all, this time!

Then, I let them talk to me. Once I was satisfied that they fully explained what they had done, and that they understood why it was wrong, I would discuss with them what they thought would be an appropriate punishment if they ever did it again. That way, they couldn't claim the punishment was unfair or excessive because they helped decide what it would be. It was rare that I actually had to enforce it because they already knew what would happen if they did it again.

My X-BIL, X-SIL, and the rest of their family told me it would *never* work. "Spare the rod and spoil the child!", they warned me.

Now, 20 years later, my oldest has finished college, and my youngest works with an accountant. They are the only ones of their generation from their mother's side of the family that haven't become teen parents, alcoholics, or been arrested.

 

Try talking to your BIL and SIL, and see if they have a clear understanding of the difference. Discipline is not difficult or painful to enforce, Punishment is.

[FlyingToaster]

Thanks ed-205 for your response. I agree that kids want to have the parameters set for them. Even though they want to be independent, they realize that there is a lot that they still can't handle, and therefore rely on the adults in their lives to help them.

 

I like how you dealt with your children, and it is what I plan on doing with my son. It's a little one-sided right now since my son is only 2 and his language skills are still quite limited, but practicing never hurts (no pun intended), does it?

 

It will be a challenge talking to my BIL and his wife. My BIL can be pretty explosive, and very defensive when it comes to his kids. To be honest, I would go so far as to say that even if an expert talked to him about this he wouldn't do anything different if he didn't agree with them. He and his twin (my H) talk all the time and I've heard over and over incidents where people disagree with them and as long as the two of them don't see a problem, they don't change their views. I will probably try to subtlely go through my H instead to get to my BIL.

 

What I will do for now is set boundaries in my house. Most of my son's toys are in our living room. We're now getting ready to rearrange his bedroom so we can get them in there. I will make his room off-limits at all times except to pick out one toy. They can play with that in the living room, and put it back when they want to play with something different. Wish me luck!

 

Take care.

[ed-205]

Don't talk to them about how they're raising their kids, talk to them about how *they* were raised as children. Where do they feel that their parents succeed with them, and where did they make their mistakes? There is no manual on how to be a parent. We learn how to do the job from our own parents, (who learned from theirs, and theirs, etc,etc.), and *none* of them had any more of a clue how to do the job than we do. I think one of the reasons that I altered my parenting style was because I found myself using methods my parents used on me that I already knew wouldn't work because they didn't work on me! Sometimes, I caught myself setting rules for my kids, simply because my parents set them for me, and not necessarily because they were appropriate rules for my kids.

We tend to fall into a paradigm of raising our kids the way we were raised because we always thought our parents were infallible, when in reality, they were just as prone to making mistakes as we are. Don't blame your parents for their mistakes, because they were only doing the best they could with what they had, the same as we do.

I feel the greatest challenge we have as parents is to think about the way we were raised, and try not to make the same mistakes our parents made with us, or at least not compound them. Odd as it may sound, it was actually my *kids* who showed me how to do that. Parenting children, it seems to me, is a two way street, and I learned a lot from my kids. As their behavior improved, I knew I was doing something right no matter what my parents or anyone else thought of my methods.

 

Good luck to you, and your in-laws!

[porter218]

I have similar problems with how my SIL is raising my nephews...but I flat out tell her what she needs to do as I see her doing wrong. I hold no punchs when it comes to raising kids...you only get to do it once so you better do it right. Just tell them how you feel...just word it carefully.

[FlyingToaster]

There are things that my parents did that I don't want to do, but sometimes find myself going in that direction. I catch myself and do things differently.

 

I also understand that my parents were doing what they thought was right. I'm not one of those that blame my parents for every problem I have. I'm an adult now and know that I am responsible for my actions, etc.

 

I have been trying to figure out how my H and his siblings were raised. If anyone were to look at my past posts, you'll see that I have quite a few issues with my MIL. She's very emotionally dependent, and their father did what he could to compensate for her. He would tell my H and siblings to "Not say anything to upset your mother." As a result, my H can't tell me right away when I've upset him. Instead he blows up days later because he's let it 'fester'.

 

One thing I've seen with my MIL is that she expects everybody else to take care of her and her problems. I see this with my BIL. My H, BIL and older BIL have inherited this trait. My SIL, who is the oldest, was actually more like a typical mother than their actual mother. She's actually 14 years older than my H. When she was in college, she was brought home every weekend to clean the house. She also packed everyone's suitcases for vacations as well.

 

My H talks about being picked on when he was growing up. He wasn't the most popular, and he has told me about incidents where his classmates were cruel. I think he and his brother have issues with being liked and accepted. I believe my BIL doesn't discipline partly because of this.

 

I'm starting to ramble. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know that it's easier to label somebody instead of looking at why they are the way they are. I can't change they way they are, but I can make changes in how I react. Right now I'm choosing to react by laying down rules in my house. If they can't abide by them, then we'll visit them at some other relative's house.

 

Take care.

 

EDIT: I just read this post and thought it may have come across as being angry at previous posts. That wasn't my intention. I do appreciate all that has been said. I'm still trying to understand all of this myself and have basically just typed out all the ramblings going on in my head.

[ed-205]

I definitely think you're on the right track! Obviously, everyone's situation is different and I can only encourage you to "Keep the faith", and let yourself be motivated by love before anger.

 

Good luck to all of you, once again.