If you're on a break...it's over

[youngbuckkk]

Sorry to burst the collective bubbles of you people weeping over an ex that you are on a break with, but this is the harsh reality you must face.

 

When someone decides to go on a break it is over 99.9% of the time. Here are the reasons why:

 

1.) If you love someone, you don't need to take a break from them, under any circumstances. It's just not logical. I love you but I need time on my own, I need space. Translation - I need some new a$$, you are boring, this is my nice way of letting you down.

 

2.) Under the very rare circumstances that you do get back together, all the power in the relationship will be on the party whom took you back. He or she will know they have you no matter what they decide to pull on you in the near future, and deep down they will lack respect for you.

 

3.) As the dumped, you will always feel some sense of anger and vulnerability. You will be angry they left and scared knowing that they could just as easily do it again. You will try to overcompensate out of fear they will leave you again, and ultimately become dependent on their happiness/approval.

 

Think about it like this, if you're employer came to you one day and said "Hey sorry, you are a great worker and all, but we'd like to take a break from you for a while, we will contact you in the future after we've cleared out heads/explored our options".

 

Would you oblige to this? Of course not. You'd tell your boss to go to hell and go out looking for something better. You should hold this same mentality when a relationship ceases to exist.

 

The only exception for getting back together is if you run into one another down the road, possibly months but years is more realistic. You two hit it off and start anew. That's the only way a successful "second chance" at a ended relationship may succeed.

[Rooster_DAR]

I agree for the most part, sounds like a logical observation to me.

[porter218]

I agree mostly also. What is the point of taking a break if it is supposed to be temporary. I took a successful break from my H but I didn't think of it as a break or temporary at all. I left him, then later we worked things out but at no point was I thinking in the temporary sense...you might as well just stay together if that is what you want.

[foxh1234]

Sorry to burst the collective bubbles of you people weeping over an ex that you are on a break with, but this is the harsh reality you must face.

 

When someone decides to go on a break it is over 99.9% of the time. Here are the reasons why:

 

1.) If you love someone, you don't need to take a break from them, under any circumstances. It's just not logical. I love you but I need time on my own, I need space. Translation - I need some new a$$, you are boring, this is my nice way of letting you down.

 

2.) Under the very rare circumstances that you do get back together, all the power in the relationship will be on the party whom took you back. He or she will know they have you no matter what they decide to pull on you in the near future, and deep down they will lack respect for you.

 

3.) As the dumped, you will always feel some sense of anger and vulnerability. You will be angry they left and scared knowing that they could just as easily do it again. You will try to overcompensate out of fear they will leave you again, and ultimately become dependent on their happiness/approval.

 

Think about it like this, if you're employer came to you one day and said "Hey sorry, you are a great worker and all, but we'd like to take a break from you for a while, we will contact you in the future after we've cleared out heads/explored our options".

 

Would you oblige to this? Of course not. You'd tell your boss to go to hell and go out looking for something better. You should hold this same mentality when a relationship ceases to exist.

 

The only exception for getting back together is if you run into one another down the road, possibly months but years is more realistic. You two hit it off and start anew. That's the only way a successful "second chance" at a ended relationship may succeed.

 

Well said, I agree completely. You don't take a break from someone you truly love.

[porter218]

Well said, I agree completely. You don't take a break from someone you truly love.

You can leave them and come back though.

[nopainnogain]

Very true. I agree.

 

1 time out of a hundred a request for a break is genuine(i.e-wont go bang other people). other than that,99 times out of a hundred they will go pursue their new interest.

[BCCA]

While I agree to an extent, life is not always black and white. I've talked to many girls who have honestly said that they dont know why the wanted a break, didnt date anyone else, and really just didnt feel like they had enough to give someone else to fairly be in a relationship. Often times, the way the breakup is handled has much more to do with how 'done' they are then anything.

 

This is not a one size fits all situation. People do break up and do get back together. You should not assume that your ex broke up with you to get some new booty, or just because they are a horrible human being who you should never speak to again. Part of healing is realizing the part you played in the breakup and what you need to do for yourself to be a better person. If that makes your ex want you back, then great, but its more for your own benefit.

 

A lot of people are more focused on just getting over the relationship. There are, however, times in life where you have to do what you can to make things right for your own growth. You dont need anyone to be happy, but just because things with another person didnt work out this time does NOT mean they never will and that you should assume theyre screwing half the town behind your back.

[porter218]

While I agree to an extent, life is not always black and white. I've talked to many girls who have honestly said that they dont know why the wanted a break, didnt date anyone else, and really just didnt feel like they had enough to give someone else to fairly be in a relationship. Often times, the way the breakup is handled has much more to do with how 'done' they are then anything.

 

This is not a one size fits all situation. People do break up and do get back together. You should not assume that your ex broke up with you to get some new booty, or just because they are a horrible human being who you should never speak to again. Part of healing is realizing the part you played in the breakup and what you need to do for yourself to be a better person. If that makes your ex want you back, then great, but its more for your own benefit.

 

A lot of people are more focused on just getting over the relationship. There are, however, times in life where you have to do what you can to make things right for your own growth. You dont need anyone to be happy, but just because things with another person didnt work out this time does NOT mean they never will and that you should assume theyre screwing half the town behind your back.

This poster is talking about 'taking a break' not breaking up. Those are two different animals.

[donnamaybe]

My friend must be one of the .01% then. Her boyfriend needed a "break." My friend thinks it was because of the past hurts that had been inflicted on him by women, so she decided to wait it out. He eventually, after a few months, cleared his head and called her up and thanked her for the time to think. They are now living together and have been a strong couple now for 2 1/2 years and are very happy.

[BCCA]

This poster is talking about 'taking a break' not breaking up. Those are two different animals.

 

In my humble opinion, they really arent. It doesnt matter what you call it, when you are no longer someone else's signifigant other, youre broken up.

[EmperorR]

In my humble opinion, they really arent. It doesnt matter what you call it, when you are no longer someone else's signifigant other, youre broken up.

 

 

agree, and i also know someone who took a break, they both dated other people while on their break and they ended up back together, no one knows the future if its meant to be it will

[porter218]

In my humble opinion, they really arent. It doesnt matter what you call it, when you are no longer someone else's signifigant other, youre broken up.

Thus the point of this thread..

Not in any way disagreeing with you

[SuaveWazoo]

3.) As the dumped, you will always feel some sense of anger and vulnerability. You will be angry they left and scared knowing that they could just as easily do it again. You will try to overcompensate out of fear they will leave you again, and ultimately become dependent on their happiness/approval.

 

You do not "always" feel some sense of anger and vulnerability. Sure, everyone may go through an angry or vulnerable stage after a breakup. But that does not mean that they will "always" feel that way. Whether or not you feel that way is not dependent on the fact that you have broken up, but dependent on what kind of person you are and how much strength you have to keep a clear and rational mindset. If you break up, and you constantly feel "angry" and "scared" and driven to "overcompensate" out of being "dependent" on them, then that just indicates personal vulnerability...a vulnerability that someone can control for themselves and make themselves stronger, fuller people out of it. Rather than feeling like a pity puppy for your ex, you can instead go like "I understand that if things are the way they are, then it will be this way. But let both of us know that we have each other's respect and they we should both hold up our dignity regarding each other." How mature is that compared to someone that's "always" angry and vulnerable. I'm sorry, but what you described is more akin immaturity than anything else.

[youngbuckkk]

To clear it up i'm talking about both breaking up and taking a break.

 

And i'm not saying that people won't get back together, it happens all the time, but unless it's under totally new circumstances, chances are it will fail once again down the road.

 

Once you fall out of love it's done. The only way you would fall for that same individual is if you see them with new eyes, by seeing they are different from what they once were. Hence the long period of not seeing each other to grow your own ways.

 

But people don't go on a break and decide they made a wrong move and come back. If they do there will be problems for both parties involved. Like I said, the dumpee will feel vulnerable and probably angry over the past rejection, and will try to overcompensate. The dumper will know they can pull anything on their SO and still have them waiting in the wings. This may not happen in every situation, sure that .01% goes on to live happily ever after, but the overwhelming odds are that the relationship will crash and burn in these situations.

 

Of course there is always a deviance to the norm. The crazy couple who fight everyday and break up all the time and get back together. But are they truly happy? Who knows for sure. Just because 2 people act happy doesn't make it a reality. So you'd probably then ask "why are they together if they are unhappy". There are a lot of answers to this question. Some people are scared of change, some just waiting for something better to come along, some are lonely and seek companionship.

 

 

Bottom line what it all comes down to is once someone is no longer romantically interested in their SO, nothing will change that. The only way I think it would truly work out for these individuals would be to meet down the road as new people.

[porter218]

But people don't go on a break and decide they made a wrong move and come back. If they do there will be problems for both parties involved. Like I said, the dumpee will feel vulnerable and probably angry over the past rejection, and will try to overcompensate. The dumper will know they can pull anything on their SO and still have them waiting in the wings. This may not happen in every situation, sure that .01% goes on to live happily ever after, but the overwhelming odds are that the relationship will crash and burn in these situations.

 

.

Are we assuming here that the dumpee didn't do anything worthy of being dumped for....

[youngbuckkk]

Are we assuming here that the dumpee didn't do anything worthy of being dumped for....

 

 

Yes. If there was cheating or any other real solid reason for the dumpers actions this negates it. But on one hand, in the event of a makeup in that case, it would be the dumper who would most likely have the doubts and worries that old problems could resurface.

 

 

This is just in the event of the "i need space" "I see you as a friend" "it's not you its me" "not in love with you anymore" type breaks where one person is left heartbroken.

[Lizzie60]

I just read the subject line and I agree.. MOST of the time, if it's not already over... it's the beginning of the end.. IMO.

[youngbuckkk]

You do not "always" feel some sense of anger and vulnerability. Sure, everyone may go through an angry or vulnerable stage after a breakup. But that does not mean that they will "always" feel that way. Whether or not you feel that way is not dependent on the fact that you have broken up, but dependent on what kind of person you are and how much strength you have to keep a clear and rational mindset. If you break up, and you constantly feel "angry" and "scared" and driven to "overcompensate" out of being "dependent" on them, then that just indicates personal vulnerability...a vulnerability that someone can control for themselves and make themselves stronger, fuller people out of it. Rather than feeling like a pity puppy for your ex, you can instead go like "I understand that if things are the way they are, then it will be this way. But let both of us know that we have each other's respect and they we should both hold up our dignity regarding each other." How mature is that compared to someone that's "always" angry and vulnerable. I'm sorry, but what you described is more akin immaturity than anything else.

 

You make some valid points. I guess I'm speaking more so in the event of one person breaking up with the other, not a mutual breakup in which both people seek different things. If you get dumped and are heartbroken, for one reason or another, I don't know how one wouldn't feel a certain sense of vulnerability, or lack of trust when being back with the old SO.

[youngbuckkk]

To add, the chances are even slimmer if it is a woman who did the dumping. This is so because dumping a SO is a much deeper process for women then that of men. They see things they don't like in their man and usually give them clues but never make it totally obvious, and if the changes don't happen they begin to detach emotionally way before the actual dumping. The exception being they just fall in love with someone else. But generally they wait for changes in their man and the longer he takes the shorter the leash gets. That's why many men get dumped and are totally in awe, thinking everything was going great.

[GrnEyedGemini]

I really don't know if I agree with that. My bf and I have been having problems and he was supposed to move out for a while...so we could both have some space. I was ok with it. Now he doesn't want to move out, and I kinda want him to. I feel like I need a break from the arguing and tension. But it doesn't mean I don't love him. I love him more than words. There is no question whether we love each other or not. And I/he don't want anyone else. I/he don't want to date anyone else or fck anyone else. I just need to be away from him for a bit. I want to be able to work on our problems but not have the tension of whether or not we are going to sleep in the same bed because a discussion, althoug productive, pissed one of us off. We have certain issues that I don't believe can be solved by having each other around constantly. We are both changing, growing...and I feel like we need to take a step back and make sure this is what's right for each of us...before we take the step towards marriage. It doesn't mean we are "secretly" wanting to break up or see other people. It means we are willing to do whatever possible to fix our relationship BECAUSE we love each other so much.

[youngbuckkk]

I really don't know if I agree with that. My bf and I have been having problems and he was supposed to move out for a while...so we could both have some space. I was ok with it. Now he doesn't want to move out, and I kinda want him to. I feel like I need a break from the arguing and tension. But it doesn't mean I don't love him. I love him more than words. There is no question whether we love each other or not. And I/he don't want anyone else. I/he don't want to date anyone else or fck anyone else. I just need to be away from him for a bit. I want to be able to work on our problems but not have the tension of whether or not we are going to sleep in the same bed because a discussion, althoug productive, pissed one of us off. We have certain issues that I don't believe can be solved by having each other around constantly. We are both changing, growing...and I feel like we need to take a step back and make sure this is what's right for each of us...before we take the step towards marriage. It doesn't mean we are "secretly" wanting to break up or see other people. It means we are willing to do whatever possible to fix our relationship BECAUSE we love each other so much.

 

But that's different. Him moving out doesn't constitute a break or breaking up IMO.

[GrnEyedGemini]

But that's different. Him moving out doesn't constitute a break or breaking up IMO.

 

 

 

Uh...a "break" from being together...yeah it does. Not seeing each other. Yeah...that's pretty much what constitutes a break. Just becuase we don't plan to see or fck other people doesn't matter. It may not be your exact definition, but its still a break.

[BCCA]

Are we assuming here that the dumpee didn't do anything worthy of being dumped for....

 

See, now thats my only concern with this line of advice. Honestly, I'm going through round two of my ex breaking up with me, and I hadnt even realized how much I was contributing to our problems until I saw a counsler and understood what I was doing and what results it was causing. That is not to say its all my fault, but there is equal blame to be shared, and if you dont do some introspection and take a good look at yourself, it can cause problems for any relationship you have.

[youngbuckkk]

Uh...a "break" from being together...yeah it does. Not seeing each other. Yeah...that's pretty much what constitutes a break. Just becuase we don't plan to see or fck other people doesn't matter. It may not be your exact definition, but its still a break.

 

 

Even if he moves out, will you not see each other period? Will you not still think of yourselves as a couple? If the answer to either of those questions is no then this is not the type of situation I am talking about.

[l0stMike]

Sorry to burst the collective bubbles of you people weeping over an ex that you are on a break with, but this is the harsh reality you must face.

 

When someone decides to go on a break it is over 99.9% of the time. Here are the reasons why:

 

1.) If you love someone, you don't need to take a break from them, under any circumstances. It's just not logical. I love you but I need time on my own, I need space. Translation - I need some new a$$, you are boring, this is my nice way of letting you down.

 

2.) Under the very rare circumstances that you do get back together, all the power in the relationship will be on the party whom took you back. He or she will know they have you no matter what they decide to pull on you in the near future, and deep down they will lack respect for you.

 

3.) As the dumped, you will always feel some sense of anger and vulnerability. You will be angry they left and scared knowing that they could just as easily do it again. You will try to overcompensate out of fear they will leave you again, and ultimately become dependent on their happiness/approval.

 

Think about it like this, if you're employer came to you one day and said "Hey sorry, you are a great worker and all, but we'd like to take a break from you for a while, we will contact you in the future after we've cleared out heads/explored our options".

 

Would you oblige to this? Of course not. You'd tell your boss to go to hell and go out looking for something better. You should hold this same mentality when a relationship ceases to exist.

 

The only exception for getting back together is if you run into one another down the road, possibly months but years is more realistic. You two hit it off and start anew. That's the only way a successful "second chance" at a ended relationship may succeed.

 

I think this is a bit circumstantial instead of cookie-cut like you have described it here. The analogy to the office isn't much of an analogy either given the fact that you aren't in love with your boss. Those are two entirely different situations. If things are going great with someone, or a good relationship is established, there shouldn't be a need to take a break from it. Most often than not, there is a reason for the break, and it's not like things are going well and someone all up and decides to end it. Your boss wouldn't come to you if a great WORKING relationship is established and tell you something like that, let's be realistic here.

 

People go on breaks for a number of reasons. It doesn't necessarily mean that they have intentions to fornicate with the rest of the town. If the sex is good in your current situation, why leave? It doesn't even have to be about the physical side of things either. The sex could be awesome but there could still be undisclosed problems that need sorted out as individuals, or some growing needs to be done before two people can get back together. Personally, I had demons to slay myself, and although my ex and I never got back together, we both had things we needed to figure out. What happened after that point, well, that's something that I had no control over.

 

A break doesn't ALWAYS mean they are looking for someone else to love...