If you're on a break...it's over

[SarahRose]

No, a break doesn't mean that someone is looking for someone else.

 

I did a break up and not a break as my bf wouldn't commit after 4 years and didn't know he is would or not. It isn't because I don't love him.

[nopainnogain]

To add, the chances are even slimmer if it is a woman who did the dumping. This is so because dumping a SO is a much deeper process for women then that of men. They see things they don't like in their man and usually give them clues but never make it totally obvious, and if the changes don't happen they begin to detach emotionally way before the actual dumping. The exception being they just fall in love with someone else. But generally they wait for changes in their man and the longer he takes the shorter the leash gets. That's why many men get dumped and are totally in awe, thinking everything was going great.

 

Plus the woman gets approached by more men than men get approached by woman.

[Dazed_Animal]

whens love ever been logical? we're only human remember, we get angry even at the people we love and sometimes a break can be a huge help for relationships. My best mate and his wife had a break when they were in their teens and again in their early 20's and now they're married and have been for 37 years. Ive got a lot more stories I could tell you but i cant be assed

 

What would of happend if they gave up and just ended it? They're the happiest couple ive seen and if they just gave up like most of you ppl have or tell other ppl to then their life would of been complety different and chances are not as happy either.

 

Just because you gave up when it got to tough doesnt mean everyone else should too. Sure, you can't get back together with someone 100% of the time but from what ive seen and heard there's a huge amount of people that have pushed through whatever is going wrong in their relationship and are now happy with the person they love.

 

Love is something you have to work for, build on it doesnt just happen, how can you work on and build it if you give up like you people do?

[Ingenue]

Just because you gave up when it got to tough doesnt mean everyone else should too. Sure, you can't get back together with someone 100% of the time but from what ive seen and heard there's a huge amount of people that have pushed through whatever is going wrong in their relationship and are now happy with the person they love.

 

Love is something you have to work for, build on it doesnt just happen, how can you work on and build it if you give up like you people do?

 

I think working on a relationship can only succeed if both parties are willing to honestly put forth some effort into addressing whatever problems the relationship is experiencing. If only one party is willing to fight, the relationship is doomed and there's no point in trying to fight for something that someone wants out of so badly. You can't force someone to change who they fundamentally are, nor can you convince somebody to love you.

 

I think breaks do usually end up in break-ups. It's usually delaying the inevitable. If a couple gets back together after a break, usually nothing much has changed.

[Dazed_Animal]

I think working on a relationship can only succeed if both parties are willing to honestly put forth some effort into addressing whatever problems the relationship is experiencing. If only one party is willing to fight, the relationship is doomed and there's no point in trying to fight for something that someone wants out of so badly. You can't force someone to change who they fundamentally are, nor can you convince somebody to love you.

 

I think breaks do usually end up in break-ups. It's usually delaying the inevitable. If a couple gets back together after a break, usually nothing much has changed.

 

Then how do people fall in love in the first place? They must of liked something about you so work on that. A break would be the perfect time to work on whatever they wanted to break up over but if you dont want to work on it then yeah the relationship will fail but if you love the person then you will do whatever you can to fix things otherwise it's not love, it's not always both people in the relastionship that has a problem so both of you shouldnt have to work at it.

[Ingenue]

Then how do people fall in love in the first place? They must of liked something about you so work on that. A break would be the perfect time to work on whatever they wanted to break up over but if you dont want to work on it then yeah the relationship will fail but if you love the person then you will do whatever you can to fix things otherwise it's not love, it's not always both people in the relastionship that has a problem so both of you shouldnt have to work at it.

 

In certain situations that can certainly apply. But there are relationships in which no amount of time apart can fix things. Working on a relationship should be mutual because the failure of a relationship is rarely a one-sided occurrence. It takes two individuals to cause a rupture. Granted that one party's behaviour may prove more burdensome, but the other party should certainly articulate and communicate his/her dissatisfaction with the other.

 

I'll use my own past relationship as an example. After five years together, my ex, unilaterally (as most break-ups go) decided to end things with me. He emailed me one day and broke up with me through the ever so courageous medium of email. He stated that he felt the spark had died between us and that he wanted to date other people to see what romance would be like with other women. In a subsequent email asking him to clarify what he thought were the problems of the relationship, he simply stated that he felt there really was no point in discussing it, as he didn't feel the relationship was broken, but this was just something he had to discover about himself. He was unwilling to try counseling as he felt that all relationships should always be on a constant high, and that his ideal version of a relationship should just click all the time, without any lows.

 

I love my ex, I still do after how deplorably he's treated me. But I am not going to fight for something that he clearly wants to get out of. When I decide to better myself and "fix" the character traits or behavioural traits that might have led to the break-up, I will do so for my own benefit. It will not be for the hopeful desire that my ex will come back to me, nor to appease a man. He certainly has many a thing that he could work on to better himself.

 

If I was a more patient person, I'd probably tell my ex that he could date others and I would wait for him (because that would be a way to fix the relationship). But I am unwilling to be his doormat and there is nothing more that I can do to fix something that in my mind, is so clearly broken.

[youngbuckkk]

If I was a more patient person, I'd probably tell my ex that he could date others and I would wait for him (because that would be a way to fix the relationship). But I am unwilling to be his doormat and there is nothing more that I can do to fix something that in my mind, is so clearly broken.

 

 

I agree with everything you said aside from this. If you did this and he did come back i'm sure you would hold it against him, which is exactly why you didn't comply. Some do just because they are scared they will lose their SO for good, and they swallow self pride and wait.

 

But good job at what you did. Never make someone a priority when you are only an option.

[Dazed_Animal]

I see a lot of people taking breaks because of things like confusion, anger and even doubt... all of which CAN be solved as long as someone has the guts do fight for one another but when people come on to this site and see threads like this do you really think it would help them?

 

I can understand that sometimes prolly more often than not breaks dont always fix or even help the relationship but it really depends on why the break happend. I know sometimes it's best to just move on but if you truly love the person and you arent on the break cause of something like falling out of love or like what happend with your bf and you get given advice like just move on, forget about him/her and they actually do then they both missed out on what could of been a very happy life if the problem could of been solved.

 

From my own exp and from others Ive met, people dont always say what they truly feel which is where a break can come in handy... It gives them time to think about how they feel which can solve the problem of being confused about how they feel and it gives them time for them to accept what caused the break to start and hopefully end the break and get back together.

 

I'm only 21 so I prolly havent seen as much people go on breaks as a lot of other people here but i have seen a lot and prolly 50% of the time it either fixes what went wrong or at least helps but if people are getting adive like give up, move on etc then that 50% could drop and quite quickly, that's a lot of people that had to go through that pain of a break up for nothing.

 

In the end it's up to the people listening to the advise if they take it or not, but wouldnt it be better to help them with the relationship and if the time comes that they realise the problem cant be fixed then give them the nc advice?

 

Ive seen a few threads on here with people looking for advice on problems that CAN be fixed but for some reason they're given the nc/move on advice, when there's just no need for it. I guess it comes down to a matter opinion but before people give out any adive on here they should try get as much info as they can and have a good think about it before they give any advice, this is peoples lives you're touching so giving the wrong advice could cause more heartache than needbe.

 

BTW, sorry this was so long, I'm a real soft cock when it comes to love so I get really involved. I know how much it hurts losing someone you love and I'd like to help people avoid it as much as they can and I just dont think giving up is the way to do it, well not in all cases as Ive said.

[youngbuckkk]

BTW, sorry this was so long, I'm a real soft cock when it comes to love so I get really involved. I know how much it hurts losing someone you love and I'd like to help people avoid it as much as they can and I just dont think giving up is the way to do it, well not in all cases as Ive said.

 

 

Not trying to insult you, but this sh** had me dying LOL.

[Dazed_Animal]

Never make someone a priority when you are only an option.

 

To a certian degree I agree with you BUT isnt that what love is? giving everything you are and doing whatever you can to make the relationship a happy one?

 

No matter what relationship you're in, you HAVE to make some sort of sacrifice/compromise to make the relationship work. There will never be a perfect couple but you can make it as perfect as you can with some sacrifice and compromise.

[Dazed_Animal]

Not trying to insult you, but this sh** had me dying LOL.

 

Why? I dont see anything funny about it, I'm guessing you're in your teens maybe early 20's? One of those people that dont give a **** about anyone but themselves?

[Ingenue]

I see a lot of people taking breaks because of things like confusion, anger and even doubt... all of which CAN be solved as long as someone has the guts do fight for one another but when people come on to this site and see threads like this do you really think it would help them?

 

I can understand that sometimes prolly more often than not breaks dont always fix or even help the relationship but it really depends on why the break happend. I know sometimes it's best to just move on but if you truly love the person and you arent on the break cause of something like falling out of love or like what happend with your bf and you get given advice like just move on, forget about him/her and they actually do then they both missed out on what could of been a very happy life if the problem could of been solved.

 

From my own exp and from others Ive met, people dont always say what they truly feel which is where a break can come in handy... It gives them time to think about how they feel which can solve the problem of being confused about how they feel and it gives them time for them to accept what caused the break to start and hopefully end the break and get back together.

 

I agree that NC isn't necessarily the best solution for all relationships. No single relationship mirrors another based on the variables of individual dynamic and the circumstances surrounding that relationship. Taking a break can be helpful if the break is based on something that both parties are willing to work on. I emphasize the cooperative aspect of working on a relationship because if one party does not want to work on it, no amount of fight and no break can help a situation. Relationships are about mutual trust, communication and problem solving. They are not this hallmark idea that a separation will make the heart grow fonder and boy x will fight for girl y and everything will be rosy. While not all breaks lead to break ups, some breaks do (eventually) and it's important to be realistic with our expectations in life and love.

 

By all means, if both individuals are willing to put forth an earnest effort in fixing the relationship, it should be pursued. Counselling, introspection, communication, personal growth are all wonderful things that each party should strive for. But if one party is more invested in the other, than fighting for a relationship resembles more like begging, which is never great for one's self esteem. With any advice, internet or not, the individual should truly understand him/herself to properly assess what steps should be taken, what he/she is willing to tolerate and accept and what he/she wants in life.

 

Love is messy and dirty and sometimes you do need to fight. But sometimes, walking away is the better part of valor

[sacg]

Why? I dont see anything funny about it, I'm guessing you're in your teens maybe early 20's? One of those people that dont give a **** about anyone but themselves?

 

 

No, there was a funny element. ;-)

[youngbuckkk]

To a certian degree I agree with you BUT isnt that what love is? giving everything you are and doing whatever you can to make the relationship a happy one?

 

No matter what relationship you're in, you HAVE to make some sort of sacrifice/compromise to make the relationship work. There will never be a perfect couple but you can make it as perfect as you can with some sacrifice and compromise.

 

 

 

It's a two way street. You shouldn't have to give your all just to prove you are worth being loved if someone leaves you because they "need space" "have fallen out of love" or some other reason along those lines.

 

You should be equals in a relationship, and if one person is constantly having to "prove" their value to the other then it's not a fair balance.

[HopeDiesLast]

I agree that NC isn't necessarily the best solution for all relationships. No single relationship mirrors another based on the variables of individual dynamic and the circumstances surrounding that relationship. Taking a break can be helpful if the break is based on something that both parties are willing to work on. I emphasize the cooperative aspect of working on a relationship because if one party does not want to work on it, no amount of fight and no break can help a situation. Relationships are about mutual trust, communication and problem solving. They are not this hallmark idea that a separation will make the heart grow fonder and boy x will fight for girl y and everything will be rosy. While not all breaks lead to break ups, some breaks do (eventually) and it's important to be realistic with our expectations in life and love.

 

By all means, if both individuals are willing to put forth an earnest effort in fixing the relationship, it should be pursued. Counselling, introspection, communication, personal growth are all wonderful things that each party should strive for. But if one party is more invested in the other, than fighting for a relationship resembles more like begging, which is never great for one's self esteem. With any advice, internet or not, the individual should truly understand him/herself to properly assess what steps should be taken, what he/she is willing to tolerate and accept and what he/she wants in life.

 

Love is messy and dirty and sometimes you do need to fight. But sometimes, walking away is the better part of valor

 

Well said Ingenue. i agree with you. Alot of times its not so black and white. and sometimes second chances and trying again after breaks or break ups take a long time. I think that the person who desired the space or break up needs to WANT to try. if there is no desire, i dont think theres anything the other person can say or do to change that. It has to be a decision he or she makes on his own.

Thats the tough part i guess....at least for me. knowing there is nothing i can do to help this situation. Feeling like im helpless and cant do anything but live my life.

And i guess....the annoying cliche none of us wants to admit to proves true....whatever happens, happens.