What Should I Do Next: we're on a break or is it a breakup

[continue2smile]

hi everyone,

 

im new here. im going to try to explain my situation although being very long and complicated.

 

my gf and i of 9mos recently are on some sort of a break or maybe have even broken up. im quite not sure. i'll get more into this later. it's been about 3 weeks since. we didn't have many problems up until the 8th month - july. she did inform me that things were going to be quite busy during july. i respected that and gave her the time needed to sort out whatever that was needed. from talking to her almost 2 hours a day and seeing each other like on an average of twice a week, month 8 and 9 went to conversations of 5 minutes (telling me she's tired, stressed from her mom, needs sleep) and quality time just not being the same. it wasn't the same due to what happened during the month of july. her mom, which i have not yet met (that's another story), has apparently brought up many insecurities/ mortified in ways unimaginable. her mom is pretty much too much - calls her disrespectful names in front of friends. she started to change ... which affected the short quality time we spent together.

 

i figure since we get past july, things will be ok. we would have time to spend with each other. apparently, that didn't quite work out. something happened with her irresponsible sibling which caused her to take a second job. thus, impacting the time we would have to spend together.

 

she decided to somewhat give up one nite we spoke ... the reasons she gave are:

 

a) there will realistically be little to no time to spend since she has this 2nd job

 

b) since she has some mental issues to tackle, it wouldn't be fair for us to be together at this moment. much of it has to do with loving herself before loving anyone else. another problem she tackles is that she is the responsible sibling that does everything right, but just does not get quite the respect from her parents like that of the troublesome sister.

 

as i mentioned i've never met her mom. but has met her dad. they are seperated. the dad thinks the world of me and has thanked me continually on how i've treated his daugter. we my gf and i were together, we hung out occasionally.

 

when we did have a break or space / breakup ... what is bothersome is that she kepts mentioning how she'll do anything for me. and that we should still have some sort of communication. how should i take this?

 

it's not quite easy for us to see each other either. we are about 90 miles apart. it worked out since one week she was here and the next i was there. but the way i feel is that if there is a will there is always a way!

 

i've sent her a pretty deep letter showing her how much i care and asking for some closure: if we're on a break or is it a breakup. it's been 10+ days since she's read the letter. from our conversation, she mentions that she will "eventually find time to write me back." wondering why can't i get a straight answer?! and how much time should i give this?

 

im leaving out many details, but i was wondering if i should continue to hold on to hope or let her go.

 

i care for her very much, and i think during hard times ... you would want to be with a person during these very hard times. would i be so wrong to let her go during the toughest times of her life? in some ways, when her and i talk, she doesn't show much feeling from break/ break-up. like no remorse. but is completely the opposite given feedback from her friends and my friends. what she tells her best friend is that "right guy, very wrong timing"

 

we are both in our mid 20's.

 

alot of ppl say i'm too nice. i have treated her like a lady and respected her unlike any other guy she has dated. she has had very bad relationship in the past.

 

what should i do? looks like we're all over the place with this!

[PurpleAngel]

continue2smile, you have done the right thing, you wrote her a letter, telling her all. That’s great. Its really up to her now. I can’t imagine that you wouldn’t have ‘enough’ time to write back. I think this is a bit of a cop out, don’t make excuses for her ok. You need to be treated with respect, and if she loves you or cares for you she needs to give you at least the respect of replying to you OR talking to you about it. I am sorry but I think all you can do at this point is let her go! If it is meant to be she will come back, but I think that you should move on and start the healing process. I know you are worried about leaving her in her time of need, but you have offered your support and help, if she does not accept it then, its up to her. Sometimes the only way we can help people is to leave them be.

 

You sound like a lovely guy, I am sure you will meet someone wonderful soon.

 

.........and yes, continue2smile!

 

Good Luck

~PurpleAngel~

[continue2smile]

hi purpleangel,

 

thank you for your advice/ suggestions. the latest development is that now she's disappointed that i have question her being unfaithful in our relationship. i have never disappointed her in the past. she didn't sound too angry, but still it hurts. it was a thought and question, yet far from being a suspicion. do you think im entitled to ask that question? is it such a bad thing?

 

in a lot of ways, come to think about it ... we disappointed each other. how she's handling this break/ break up to me questioning her faithfulness.

 

i guess i know what do ... just how to do it is another thing. any suggestions?

[continue2smile]

oh btw, she did mention she rec'vd the letter ... but her response was "i'll eventually find time to write you back!" how much time do you think i should give them to reply. as i mentioned, it's been almost 10 days.

[continue2smile]

Hi everyone,

 

This is more of a follow-up to my "advice - break or break up" post ... just wondering if someone can give me an insight on what this text message I rec'vd means:

 

"morning <my name>. thnx 4 always thinking of me. i know u care n i care 4 u

too. im still here 4 u even if we r not together. have a good day."

 

I rec'vd this text in the morning. We talked the night before. She repeatedly, again, told me she'll do anything for me. And she knows I feel deeply for her and would do the same. She also stressed that I can always freely call her. Almost like she's opening the door.

 

This was the first in like 3 weeks since we have talked. Prior to that, she's been having many problems with work/ family/ etc... She mentions that she occasionally feels "empty." Like things are not so complete in her life.

 

- Is this text a nice way of saying it's totally over ... It's not so definitive, but am I just being too sympathetic / wishing for too much hope.

 

any help would be much appreciated.

[NEONINK]

continue2moveon...

 

Wasn't that just so sweet of her???

[emokid]

I don't know.....I mean my ex would send stuff like that, sort of like she cared but like she was feeling strong and was moving on, but when i'd actually see her and ask her if she still cared and talk about "us" she'd get emotional and break down and say that She Still was confused and didn't know what she wanted and would say that she needed help and that she loved me a lot and maybe she should stay.

She'd go back and forth because she knew we had a great thing together, but didn't know what it is she truly was supposed to be doing with her life, she felt worthless.

 

 

Maybe this isn't the situation here, but all i'm saying is that your ex could still be confused but is trying to be strong and get on with things.

 

All my buddies say to forget her, move on, if she loved you she'd have no problem staying and would be sure about it, But i know she's going thru a lot of problems, so i continue to stick by her, if only just to help her out if she needs me.

[continue2smile]

I respect both of your opinions. Thanks! Hoping for more feedback. More opinions?

 

I'm still stuck on how to reply to this text. It's been about a day. I'm not even sure if I should bother.

 

I guess it's obvious we both care for each other ... but at what level??? Friend or more? I guess I'm more of a black and white person.

 

I still have her belongings in my room. When I asked if she wanted it back -- her reply was: "are you so much in a rush?" i responded "no. not really."

 

I don't know ... I really do want to work things out, but I'm in alot of ways feel i'm in pursuit. I've been doing the calling ... Now on an average of once every 2 weeks.

[frenchypolynesia]

Well, take it literally. She cares for you but you're 'not together' - in a word, she's precisely telling you, 'just friends, nothing more, but call me if you have technical questions.' Not, unfortunately, 'call me because I want you back.'

 

Anyway... Just my 2¢... I'm really getting a lot out of these forums. Love is a. wonderful, and b. kind of a bitch sometimes.

[emokid]

See but, right there....i mean i may be dumb...but seems to me like she wants both.

She likes having her stuff at your place, it's sort of like an Undecided thing going on, an attachment. It's high school stuff. If you like a gril, you leave your jacket at their house so you'll have to get it back and come into contact with them again sooner or later. Sure, maybe you're in a way(maybe in a lot of ways) being strung along a bit, but i think you should give it at least one last final talk. Love is a strange thing, some people don't know how to accept it or handle it in the best ways. Tell her how you feel once more and how you think that you two have something you can't find just anywhere....then give her her space and then start moving on, Maybe she'll realize she made a mistake, but if she doesn't at least she'll know you gave it one last try and she had her chance. See, because, I actually think, you can't hate the women who are confused or have the really low self esteems and arent sure what they should be doing in their lives and feel empty. If you guys have a good thing going, she shouldn't leav a good thing, she should stay and face her fears with you. Why do we humans think if we need to find ourselves and move on...that we need to sever all ties with people who love us?Life is too short, if you're lucky enough to find a love in your life and it's good...don't screw it up

[continue2smile]

thanks for your follow up.

 

that makes all sense to what you are saying. it has lifted my spirits. however, i do know that this situation i have with her isn't so good.

 

why should i be strung along like this?

 

i can only give her space for so long. to be honest, i've been miserable, out of tune with everything in my life. it has affected me in unimaginable ways.

 

in alot of ways, this is the first person i felt deep with.

 

we did have a very good 8 mos. gosh, everyone thought we were so happy / the perfect couple. according to her best friend - i was probably her best bf. her best friend told me that i was better than the last 2 combined and more. it was month 9 where things started to fall apart. she really does have much going on.

 

if we were still together it would almost be 11 mos.