Perspective?

[TrustInYourself]

I post here frequently giving advice, but I need some perspective here.

 

I'm angry and I feel contempt for my wife.

 

I recently was forced to make a career decision that will be life altering for me. It will be a major change for my entire family. I've been asking her opinion and thoughts and looking for support and just to know that I'm not alone in this decision. That I can count on her.

 

Well, her sister is in town and she just blew me off so she could go to Target and shop.

 

I guess there are more important things in the world to be more concerned about, but it makes me think about all the little things about her that piss me off. I've made many changes and adjustments to work on this marriage and I feel so alone. I'm struggling right now with my emotions and I think thoughts that question my recent decision to work on things.

 

My wife values her family more than me. I can understand that, since she doesn't see them often. It still hurts though. I'm not sure how to respond. I want to tell her how I feel, but I'm afraid I'm coming off as selfish and controlling. I think this feeling is temporary. I just question so many things when I feell the way i do right now.

[Ronni_W]

Trust,

My different perspective is that sis is in town and they went shopping for a while. Have you fully disclosed to your wife that you need her for every waking moment that you are not at work? -- maybe she just doesn't understand how MUCH of her attention you need, right now?

 

Or. Is it about so much more than just this one shopping trip with someone who is in from out of town? Which may still indicate that you haven't been clear about the level of attention that you are needing...or you have been absolutely clear and she is just not able to give it to you in the quantity that you need (which seems to me to be rather high, if it's just about the one shopping trip.)

 

Anyway. I do hope you will feel better, and will get the input and support that you need, in the quantity that you need -- maybe it will just have to come from a different source than what you are desiring/expecting?

[westrock]

it makes me think about all the little things about her that piss me off.

 

I want to ask you, what are all the little things about her that excite you?

[GreenEyedLady]

I post here frequently giving advice, but I need some perspective here.

 

I'm angry and I feel contempt for my wife.

 

I recently was forced to make a career decision that will be life altering for me. It will be a major change for my entire family. I've been asking her opinion and thoughts and looking for support and just to know that I'm not alone in this decision. That I can count on her.

 

Well, her sister is in town and she just blew me off so she could go to Target and shop.

 

I guess there are more important things in the world to be more concerned about, but it makes me think about all the little things about her that piss me off. I've made many changes and adjustments to work on this marriage and I feel so alone. I'm struggling right now with my emotions and I think thoughts that question my recent decision to work on things.

 

My wife values her family more than me. I can understand that, since she doesn't see them often. It still hurts though. I'm not sure how to respond. I want to tell her how I feel, but I'm afraid I'm coming off as selfish and controlling. I think this feeling is temporary. I just question so many things when I feell the way i do right now.

 

Why did you want to get back together with her? Remember your reasoning.

 

And why were you forced to make a life-altering career decision? She apparently doesn't understand the magnitude of the decision to you and you need to communicate that to her. It isn't all about HER. It is about each PARTNER contributing. If you let her know how she can be supportive, then she'll know what you need.

 

Communicating is not controlling. And you BOTH need to know each other's needs so that you can work on fulfilling them the best you can. If neither of you are even able to fill the other's needs then what is the basis of the R? It won't get better if either or both of you feel like your needs are being unmet.

 

What was the purpose of getting back together? To keep the status quo or develop a healthy R together? A healthy R requires communication and compromise. See where you 2 can meet half way.

 

I understand your feelings about making a life-altering career move. I made one 6 months ago. You need the support of your family when you're going through the changes. The unknown is scary but doable.

 

GEL

[Mr. Lucky]

I guess there are more important things in the world to be more concerned about, but it makes me think about all the little things about her that piss me off. I've made many changes and adjustments to work on this marriage and I feel so alone. I'm struggling right now with my emotions and I think thoughts that question my recent decision to work on things.

I see some of my own mindset in your post, but from a different angle. I often don't do a good job of communicating to others the importance of some things to me. Then, when they don't fulfill my expectations, I get angry and hurt. Are you sure that this isn't at least partly a communication issue? Sometimes we're not always clear on our expectations...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TrustInYourself]

Is it unfair of me to want more attention?

 

Is it unfair of me to want her to initiate communication first.

 

I never was this way with her before she moved out. Now I find myself questioning her and my feelings.

 

Sex sucks. She talks smack about my family. She has to have a plan for every little thing we do. We have zero time together to be intimate/physical.

 

I am sick of feeling so second fiddle. There is no excitement. I feel very low, uncared for, sad, angry, dismissed. I am not very happy at the moment.

 

I also am scared of her hiding thoughts about me and decisions about our future from me. She left me and I wasn't ready.

[TrustInYourself]

Take for example, today. She just dropped her sister off at the airport. I know she is sad. She's lonely at home. I had to work.

 

She talked to her friend this weekend who cheated and left her husband and they had a 30 minute talk about how great she is doing.

 

I have this incredible sensation that she's talking to someone other than me, thinking thoughts about how she's not happy with me. She's probably considering why she's so unhappy. She's sick of living so far away from her family and blames me.

 

Here's the sick part. She doesn't say a word to me, but expects me to know and be able to work it out. Well, I guess I can't. Wonderful. I love this crap.

[dead-dyke]

This would be the dreaded test stage. With no experience mind you, this is how I see it. -

 

This is likely to go on for a while, as long as you both stick w/ it/ stick it out. It looks like she believes she holds all the cards. No, you're not wrong in wanting more attention at all. I think, whether it be consciously, or subconsciously, she seems to be seeing how much you really want her, and how much you're willing to bend.(doormat?) She may think you still owe her, even after all you've been through. - Just an observation.

[Ronni_W]

Is it unfair of me to want more attention?

Is it unfair of me to want her to initiate communication first.

No, I don't think your needs are "unfair" at all. They are just your needs.

 

But maybe there is self-harm (to confidence, esteem, etc.) because the person to whom you are looking to help you fulfill your needs does not seem able and/or willing to help you with that. Sort of "expecting blood from a stone"-type of thing?

She can't or she won't...and not accepting that could become what 'facilitates' your own erosion of sense of Self, pride, dignity, etc.

 

Not that your needs are unfair, or that it is unreasonable to expect our spouse to actually want to support and encourage us; even to go out of their way to find ways to do that for us. But yours can't, or she won't.

[TrustInYourself]

DD, thanks for the input. Any advice on how I should react.

 

FYI, I'm not a doormat. I'm really pissed right now and I'm just trying to be cool and collected and own this situation.

 

I'm not sure what I should do or say or how I should react. I feel like going home and laying it on her, but I know she's sad. I'm trying to be supportive, but it's backfiring on me big time.

 

I guess I have to go home and be an *******. I'm not sure.

[sumdude]

TIY... she's showing you something here. That she is in the more powerful position in the rerlationship.

 

You need to stand up for yourself and show yourself that really you don't NEED her. I mean do you need this kind of ****? Do your thing... live your life... make your decisions and let her play her 'oh whatever dear' games.

 

I'm not saying to be mean or cold or bitter towards her. Just be fine with yourself and see what happens.... be a bit scarce.

[TrustInYourself]

No, I don't think your needs are "unfair" at all. They are just your needs.

 

But maybe there is self-harm (to confidence, esteem, etc.) because the person to whom you are looking to help you fulfill your needs does not seem able and/or willing to help you with that. Sort of "expecting blood from a stone"-type of thing?

She can't or she won't...and not accepting that could become what 'facilitates' your own erosion of sense of Self, pride, dignity, etc.

 

Not that your needs are unfair, or that it is unreasonable to expect our spouse to actually want to support and encourage us; even to go out of their way to find ways to do that for us. But yours can't, or she won't.

 

Unbelievable. Why be with me if that's the way she feels??

 

I have a strong feeling that's what she's thinking right now. Ugh...I hate this.

 

Here I am writing her emails telling her I'm here for her to talk to and I'm sorry I'm not off work today etc. No response. Nothing. It's irritating and it hurts to know she's just so incapable of communicating with me because I'm "needy".

 

I'm sorry, but I have needs. I can't supress the way I feel. Now how do I communicate with someone who doesn't want or can't be there in the capacity I demand/need/want?

[sumdude]

Unbelievable. Why be with me if that's the way she feels??

 

I have a strong feeling that's what she's thinking right now. Ugh...I hate this.

 

Here I am writing her emails telling her I'm here for her to talk to and I'm sorry I'm not off work today etc. No response. Nothing. It's irritating and it hurts to know she's just so incapable of communicating with me because I'm "needy".

 

I'm sorry, but I have needs. I can't supress the way I feel. Now how do I communicate with someone who doesn't want or can't be there in the capacity I demand/need/want?

 

Let go of your needs right now. Ask yourself is this a true need or just a desire?

 

Have you ever tried to chase a cat that doesn't want to be caught? The more you persue the more likely it runs up the tree. Just be calm, live you life.. wait for the cat to come to you.

[TrustInYourself]

TIY... she's showing you something here. That she is in the more powerful position in the rerlationship.

 

You need to stand up for yourself and show yourself that really you don't NEED her. I mean do you need this kind of ****? Do your thing... live your life... make your decisions and let her play her 'oh whatever dear' games.

 

I'm not saying to be mean or cold or bitter towards her. Just be fine with yourself and see what happens.... be a bit scarce.

 

I tried to do that when her sister was in town and I got scolded for not being around for her plans. She's big on plans. I almost ruined her time with her sister, for taking time on my own.

 

Like I said, she's off with her sister doing "stuff" and I go off on my own and I get bitched at for not writing a note. Wtf...I had to decide what I was going to do for a living for the next 3 years and I didn't recieve a call all day. I go out on my own for 2 hours and I get a subtle little bitching about not leaving a note.

 

I also am scared of arguing with her. So I tend to avoid stating my real feelings. What a mess.

[TrustInYourself]

Let go of your needs right now. Ask yourself is this a true need or just a desire?

 

Have you ever tried to chase a cat that doesn't want to be caught? The more you persue the more likely it runs up the tree. Just be calm, live you life.. wait for the cat to come to you.

 

So what then? I guess I'll just be unhappy and forget this whole situation is happening. I'll avoid the dangerous undercurrents and feelings I'm getting from her behavior. Who knows maybe they will go away. I could just be freaking out over nothing.

 

Then again, she could just leave me again.

[Kasan]

I also am scared of arguing with her. So I tend to avoid stating my real feelings. What a mess.

 

I think this is key here.............

 

Living in fear of her getting mad at you and leaving because you express an opinion or thought that she doesn't like isn't a way to live in a marriage.

 

You need to tell her how you feel, as she can't read your mind.

 

Are you planning on spending the rest of your marriage never stating your true feelings?

 

Did you two go to counseling?

[Kasan]

I understand your fear of her leaving you again.............but what is the cost of staying in a marriage where you have to push down your feelings and anger?

 

How do you think you will get over the anger and resentment?

 

Did the two of you discuss these things when she came back, or are you too busy towing the line so you don't rock the boat?

[Ronni_W]

how do I communicate with someone who doesn't want or can't be there in the capacity I demand/need/want?

In my own experience, and with help of MANY hours of therapy...we can't communicate with people who can't/won't hear us, and we don't have the power to 'transform' them into being what we want/need/demand them to be.

 

She probably has many "good" (from her perspective) reasons for staying in relationship with you. Mostly to do, I suppose, with the fact that her own primary needs are being adequately met -- perhaps not 'ideally' but sufficiently enough so that there is no need for her to upset her own apple-cart, as it were.

 

That is, it may be that HER capacity to support you in the ways that you need are too limited...but your capacity to provide her with what and how she needs is enough.

[TrustInYourself]

Yeah, great advice, thanks very much.

 

Now I just want to rush home and resolve this whole issue. I'm scared of letting these feelings and thoughts linger and fester.

 

I'm just going to communicate how I feel. I'm going to be honest and damn the consequences. I hope she has the capacity to be the woman i need.

 

I'm not sure how I should be. Calm? Or just be transparent?

[dead-dyke]

Didn't mean to imply your a doormat - furthest thing from the truth. Just to clue you in on her possible mindset. Rhetorically speaking.

[dead-dyke]

I don't know I would start an argument, but maybe she needs to understand she's making you head into a rinse cycle. Ask her what she wants from you. I would be nervous of her leaving again, too, but she needs to understand that you're not psychic. Plus she is probably smelling the tension in the air, making her act like that scared cat.

 

I wish I had the answers, but the only way in is through you and her. Again, I'm getting divorced, so remember who's saying this.

[TrustInYourself]

I don't know I would start an argument, but maybe she needs to understand she's making you head into a rinse cycle. Ask her what she wants from you. I would be nervous of her leaving again, too, but she needs to understand that you're not psychic. Plus she is probably smelling the tension in the air, making her act like that scared cat.

 

I wish I had the answers, but the only way in is through you and her. Again, I'm getting divorced, so remember who's saying this.

 

Yeah, don't stress. I'm going to be cool about it. I want to fascilitate future communication and I don't think being angry is going to help out in that department.

 

Thanks for the advice.

[SingleDad]

TIY - You are in a situation that I just wish I were in - so I really can't give knowledgeable advice... just that quality communication is what is needed to make a relationship work.

 

I'm sure you feel like you are walking on eggshells after getting back together after separation...

 

Good luck !!

[TrustInYourself]

She's incapable or I don't know how to communicate.

[sparkey64]

TIY are you two in counseling? if so bring it up there. if not and you are ok with that, then suck it up, if you want to be married.

 

Things probably won't be better if you reconcile with no counseling.