Perspective?

[TrustInYourself]

Well, we went to counseling last month. We were just fine and dandy. Now I'm selfish and my feelings and needs are stupid.

 

I feel like total crap for bringing up how I feel. She's right though in some regard. I'm threatened by her family. I act differently when they are around. Maybe because she acts differently. She prioritizes people who are not around, hence her family. Makes me want to disappear.

 

Is this board considered an EA? Technically?

[Karma101]

I'm fairly new to this board, but have followed your story as of late. I hope you were kidding about your feelings and needs being selfish! You seem like you are compromising your needs in an effort to not set your wife off and have her walk out the door once again. Not fair. Your needs deserve to be met, and discussing said needs seems like fair marital conversation. Was there infidelity involved in her reason for leaving?

 

Man, in a somewhat disappointing dating market, I wish I could meet just a few men that were as dedicated to committment and loyalty as some of the male members on this board!!! These women don't know what they've got...

[TrustInYourself]

Thanks for your kind words.

 

I do not understand why she thinks it's okay to change how she is when her family is visiting.

 

She blames me for not having enough fun with her sister. She blames me for being pissed off on Friday. I'm the one to blame for being immature.

 

After talking about it, I feel better, yet I'm disgusted with this sitch. I can't get over this feeling of being dumb for feeling insecure.

 

Also, I told her I don't want to be married if this is how things were going to be. Shouting and what not...crying..her calling me stupid and selfish for feeling the way I feel. Ugh..I'm trying.

[Karma101]

How long ago did you reconcile? Was she like this when you first began reconciliation, or did she regress to these old behaviors?

 

She blames me for not having enough fun with her sister. She blames me for being pissed off on Friday. I'm the one to blame for being immature.

What does SHE take responsibility for??? Honestly, she just sounds unhappy.

[TrustInYourself]

We reconciled one month ago. She was really great the first month. Now that I actually demand something and start telling her how I feel, she doesn't give a damn.

 

She's regressing but I refuse to accept it. It's like I know what I want, but I can't force her to give it to me.

 

What do I do? Leave her? Throw away my marriage? Some would say yes, especially here on this board.

 

I'm sick of feeling like my emotions and feelings don't matter. I feel like I'm just here for her and I'm sick of it.

 

Yet, I know I will stay and try to work this out and weather this storm. She will just continue to ignore my feelings and the situation that makes me feel trapped.

 

What a reversal. I was happier on my own. How selfish is that? ... I'm not sure I mean that either.

[dead-dyke]

I'm fairly new to this board, but have followed your story as of late. I hope you were kidding about your feelings and needs being selfish! You seem like you are compromising your needs in an effort to not set your wife off and have her walk out the door once again. Not fair. Your needs deserve to be met, and discussing said needs seems like fair marital conversation. Was there infidelity involved in her reason for leaving?

 

Man, in a somewhat disappointing dating market, I wish I could meet just a few men that were as dedicated to committment and loyalty as some of the male members on this board!!! These women don't know what they've got...

 

 

Will you marry me?

[Karma101]

I wouldn't tell you to leave her or just throw away your marriage, but I wouldn't suggest you stay indefinitely in an unhappy situation either. You deserve happiness. We all do!

[TrustInYourself]

I have one hour before I go home. I have a feeling I'm going to grovel like a little bitch for her forgiveness. Is this what marriage is all about? Admitting I'm wrong to placate someone else who can't admit they're wrong?

 

I'm not sure.

[dead-dyke]

Don't be that doormat. Karma101 - just kidding. I aint taking that road anymore.

[TrustInYourself]

I go home and I'm competing with her family. I show a lack of interest or love, I'm being selfish. I can't win vs her family. I can't. So I won't even try.

 

I'm thinking I will go out tonight on my own. I need to clear my head. I will probably catch hell for it. I'll have to clear it through her if I want it normalized.

[Karma101]

I have one hour before I go home. I have a feeling I'm going to grovel like a little bitch for her forgiveness. Is this what marriage is all about?

 

No. And it is not at all appealing. Stop letting this woman lead you around like a little puppy dog on a leash. Don't be her puppet! Us women are not that all different than men. We like a challenge too. She KNOWS she has you. There are no consequences for her bad, and hello - unreasonable - behavior. You sound like a good man. She is damn lucky to have you. Now go to the mirror and repeat that to yourself over and over.

 

Karma101 - just kidding. I aint taking that road anymore.

That's cause you haven't met the RIGHT woman yet. A woman who appreciates all you loyal men. Good grief. Give me some time alone in a room with all of your Ws, STBXWs and XWs. They don't know how rough it is out here in the single world.

[TrustInYourself]

No. And it is not at all appealing. Stop letting this woman lead you around like a little puppy dog on a leash. Don't be her puppet! Us women are not that all different than men. We like a challenge too. She KNOWS she has you. There are no consequences for her bad, and hello - unreasonable - behavior. You sound like a good man. She is damn lucky to have you. Now go to the mirror and repeat that to yourself over and over.

 

 

That's cause you haven't met the RIGHT woman yet. A woman who appreciates all you loyal men. Good grief. Give me some time alone in a room with all of your Ws, STBXWs and XWs. They don't know how rough it is out here in the single world.

I don't think I am. I think back to the argument earlier and my wife and I were yelling and my daughter is in her arms crying and I just kept on yelling over how I was feeling. I guess I am truly blind. I have a better understanding now of where my priorities are.

[TrustInYourself]

It's like my emotions destroyed my ability to be rational.

[Kasan]

We reconciled one month ago. She was really great the first month. Now that I actually demand something and start telling her how I feel, she doesn't give a damn.

 

She's regressing but I refuse to accept it. It's like I know what I want, but I can't force her to give it to me.

 

What do I do? Leave her? Throw away my marriage? Some would say yes, especially here on this board.

 

I'm sick of feeling like my emotions and feelings don't matter. I feel like I'm just here for her and I'm sick of it.

 

Yet, I know I will stay and try to work this out and weather this storm. She will just continue to ignore my feelings and the situation that makes me feel trapped.

 

What a reversal. I was happier on my own. How selfish is that? ... I'm not sure I mean that either.

 

So I'm going to take another crack at this. You say that your wife has regressed since you have reconciled. I believe you.

 

What I am wondering is there a chance that you have regressed a little too?

 

I don't think you have to leave her or throw in the towel on your marriage. I don't! Continue your counseling as it is very easy to backslide, as you can see. Old patterns are hard to break.

 

Also, you can only control your thoughts and your actions. Because you are feeling insecure, everything she is doing is suspect in your book. Who knows what she is talking about to her friends or her family?

 

Was her family always an issue between the both of you or is this something new?

 

What you want to do concerning your career decision?

 

I just wanted to say, that it's not your job to make her happy. It's her job! She actively chose to leave her family to go with you. Blaming you is easier to do then to take responsibility for her decisions.

 

Perhaps you should go out and calm down before you hit home--I can spot a chip on my husband's shoulder a mile away.

 

Good luck...........

[TrustInYourself]

Yeah, I guess I have regressed. I have a habit of demanding communication and talking out my problems. I believe in conflict.

 

She does not.

 

Now what? I'm done arguing. I'm done with talking about my needs. It's pointless.

[Kasan]

Yeah, I guess I have regressed. I have a habit of demanding communication and talking out my problems. I believe in conflict.

 

She does not.

 

Now what? I'm done arguing. I'm done with talking about my needs. It's pointless.

 

 

Look, you have had a couple of bad days where you both reverted back to what you both do under stress.

 

Changes take time and you just can't throw in the towel and get depressed when this happens.

 

It takes time.............As long as you both are committed and want to work on the marriage, then all will be well.

 

I kid you not!!!

 

By the way, I married a conflict avoider, so I know exactly what you are talking about. He learned to speak up...............There is hope.

[TrustInYourself]

Well, I came home and started doing laundry. She woke up from her nap with our daughter. Helped out around the house. We spent time together. Started talking. Things were mellow.

 

I should not have started making this about my needs so soon after her sister left. I knew she was sad and missed her family and by demanding to have my needs met, I was being really selfish. It's like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

 

Things are a bit stiff, but we're both trying. The conversation last night turned to having more children. She asked my thoughts considering our current marital strife. Let's just say I'm not exactly enthusiastic.

[dead-dyke]

Has she expressed her thoughts on your current marital strife? Whats her opinion? And is she being honest w/ you and w/ herself? She didn't walk. That's a start.

[TrustInYourself]

She mentioned the marital problems and my thoughts on having more children while we were working on our relationship.

 

She feels more equipped to have children, feels like giving our daughter a sibling (we both come from families with multiple siblings).

 

I think she considers our argument yesterday as just a speedbump. She's still committed to working on our marriage/relationship. I'm not sure really if we are in the clear right now though. Both of us are just busy working and trying to clear our heads/hearts from the shouting and angry words yesterday.

 

I'm not sure how I feel. In one way I feel ok about more kids. In another, it worries me. I want more time to reconnect with my wife, but I also want a larger family. I'm just not sure if now is a good idea.

 

I really just want to focus on rebuilding our love. Thanks.

[dead-dyke]

Take the time - You both need it right now. There will always be time to bring another kid into the mix, but first you guys should worry about making your bond stronger.

 

I'm glad to hear she believes that was only a speed bump. That's good.

[TrustInYourself]

I appreciate all the kind words and advice. Thanks guys.

 

I think I have regressed quite a bit. It changes things when you're right there and your emotions and feelings are in the mix.

 

I have problems with being patient, lol.

[sumdude]

I appreciate all the kind words and advice. Thanks guys.

 

I think I have regressed quite a bit. It changes things when you're right there and your emotions and feelings are in the mix.

 

I have problems with being patient, lol.

 

You have an opportunity many don't get, to actually try and reconcile. Fact is I think most don't even try because they realize just how much work might have to go into it and decide it's just easier to divorce and try again with someone esle. Thing is... if you don't deal with this now in this relationship it's almost sure to pop up in another one down the road.

 

It's all about you... when I say that I mean.

 

The only single thing you have any real CONTROL over is yourself. Your thoughts, your actions and your reactions. Breaking a lifetime of thinking patterns is a hard deal.. trust me I know..

[TrustInYourself]

It feels easier being alone/separated.

 

Not really true, I'm just intimidated at the moment by this whole situation. Intensity levels of our argument from her were pretty high. I just kept feeding into them though with my own sad selfish complaints about her.

 

I'm not sure how I should communicate that in the future still. It's hard to figure out when you really just want to communicate and that's the last thing you should be doing.

 

I should have been more supportive. Now what do I do?

[Ronni_W]

I should have been more supportive. Now what do I do?

Promise yourself that you are going to make a real point of remembering these lessons learned, for next time?

Wishing you all the best.

[TrustInYourself]

Sex sucks. It was awesome prior to our recon. Thoughts?