I'm attracted to my Co-Worker...(she is still Married)

[BlueHarvest]

Hi folks, a little new to the forums here. 'Preciate any advice in advance.

 

Guess I'll start off with a little background 'cause this is probably the wierdest situation I've ever been in.

 

I've been working with this woman for a little over a year now. I've found her physically attractive but never really did anything cause she is married. I just knew it would never go anywhere. She has been married to her husband for about 10-12 years now....she married right out of high school. I'm in my mid-twenties and she is 6 years older then me so it is un-usual for me to be attracted to someone that old. ( I told myself I would never date anyone over/under 5 years from my age difference...guess that is out the window.)

 

Now, the main story/question.

 

A couple weeks ago she left unexpectedly early from work without saying anything to anyone. It was Friday so I didn't think too much of it and figured something had happened at home to piss her off. The next night (Saturday) around 10-11 PM I get multiple text messages and a text conversation between us going on. The messages started off with a question of where she could find this video that I had tried to show her at work (but we couldn't get it to load properly). When I responded that it was good to see her talking again she responded by saying "not really, a divorce in order". From that moment on my sub-concious kicked in and I guess she became "available" in my eyes. I'm a christian so I feel that while I may be attracted to her I won't go as far as guiding her toward cheating or anything (not that she would ever do that.)

 

The rest of the text messages were her saying she was so stupid, and that her life wasn't supposed to end up like this. I tried consoling her and she ended by asking if I would be willing to be roomates with her in the near future. I said sure. But the real kicker here is she has two kids. One 5 years old, the other a little over a year old. I don't mind the kids I've seen them before, and I like them. But I'll get more into that later.

 

Then monday comes and she doesn't come to work. She ended up getting so stressed over her husband (stupid decision he did....I'm not sure what it was) and she ends up going to the hospital because she took too much medication to relieve her stress. (She has a High Blood Pressure disorder).

 

The week goes by and she is still out, finally she gets out of the hospital near the weekend and says she is fine to a couple of us at work who know each other.

 

The next week she is back at work but is constantly harrassed by her husband who wouldn't stop calling her at work. He literally called at least 6 times a day. She even expresses her anger and stress towards him. And she even says that every time she turns around with him he goes and does something to make her stressed again. I'll explain in a bit more detail. He cheated on her early on in their marriage. A few years after being married he cheated on her, she got over it. Then a few months later she finds out it wasn't just kissing and making out, he was having sex. Then a few years later she finds out that the woman he had sex with had a child with him. So now she has to deal with a child that isn't hers every other weekend. (Short history there but you get the gist.)

So as you can see there is a reason for her to be angry and stressed at him. I don't know what he did this particular time to cause it, but it was enough for her to consider divorce.

 

The thing that bothers me the most is. I never thought I would be in this situation. I honestly don't know what to do. I don't want to influence her decision to get a divorce. I want her to get a divorce of her own accord. If she can patch things up with him that is fine too, then I can go back to treating her like a co-worker and things will be fine. The problem is, I keep feeling like I get subtle nuances that are driving me insane. I'll list them.

 

She text messaged me seemingly first with the news of the possible divorce.

Asked me if I wanted to be her roomate.

Has asked me hypothetical situations about what her husband's reasoning is behind the things he does.

And recently when were just non-chalantly talking about a wierd drink I had bought, we were talking about how you "can/cannot get used to things that are bad tasting" and she goes off on a tangent and says "yea, well it's not like you can ever get used to bad sex". (WTF? Is this a hint? I don't know...)

 

We have had other text messages where I'm pretty much just trying to re-assure her, and she says I'm sweet for doing so in response. But then just the other day when I sent her a text message regarding a quote that was meant to portray how clutchy her husband has gotten she responded "I'm sure your time will come. You will meet the perfect person one day."

 

I'm just not sure where to go from here. It feels like I've recieved a few nuances that may suggest she has feelings for me. But at the same time I can't be sure. She wouldn't cheat on her husband because she knows the sting of infidelity herself. I don't even want to approach that. However, her conversations make me think she is stuck with him for the sake of the kids. (Money-wise)

 

I'd like to let her know how I feel so that way she knows she has options, so that way she knows that there is someone out there that cares about her and thinks she is attractive (because she keeps saying things like she is unattractive now that she has had two kids), but I feel if I'm wrong in my assumptions...or she is just blowing off steam and trying to work things out now with her husband...then our work relationship will get wierd. It's not like we are in opposite ends of the building. We work in the same office, like 4 feet from each other. If my assumptions are wrong, then things could get awfully wierd. I don't know what to do.

 

WHEW! Long story I know, thanks for the responses again to anyone who dares read this...

[Walk]

She's not emotionally available to you. She probably wont' be for another year or so. I think she knows you're attracted to her. She's using you to boost her self-esteem right now.

 

Divorce is number 2 on the scale of "bad things that can happen" in life. I think only the death of a loved parent tops it. If you let yourself get even more emotionally entangled with this woman then you're going to end up being whipped around in an emotional storm. You might feel you're okay with that possibility right now, but trust me, it's not a good place to be. And whatever relationship you have with her won't last. She's not in a health place mentally right now, and she won't have the strength, energy, or time to give anything back to you. She'll need everything she's got just to get through the next year.

 

Be her friend, maybe let her know you're interested and then step back from the situation. You really need to let this infactuation go. It'll hurt you.

[JoeNewbie]

I'm no priest and I'm not here to tell you that you should not be interested in a married woman. That's beside my point.

 

What I will tell you though (and I have been there before) echoes what the previous poster said. She is not available, no matter what she says to you. The fact that she stayed with him despite the numerous cheating situations is a clear indication of her profound attachment to her husband.

 

You need to hit yourself and get out of this situation pronto. Date someone else, have fun, don't get infatuated with her because you will get burned big time.

[carhill]

1. Always smart not to fish in the company pond, if your career with the company is vital to you. Doubly always smart not to fish in the company pond for a married person

 

2. MW is operating on pure emotion now. You're just an interesting tidbit on the periphery of her life. She's getting her ego fed right now by a lot of men. "Lucky you" are one of them (by your choice).

 

If, as others have suggested, her attachment to H is strong, this rubber band could snap back and forth for years. Since they have kids, even more so. Assume about the time the kids head off to college she'll have it figured out

 

Advice: Find a nice young single lady and invest some of that energy in her. Far less drama and much better return...

[JoeNewbie]

These women are good for one thing: hot steamy sex.

 

But based on your first post, it seems like you've already invested too much into this and you still haven't received anything. I don't think you are strong enough to bone her and let go - so just let go period.

[BlueHarvest]

These women are good for one thing: hot steamy sex.

 

But based on your first post, it seems like you've already invested too much into this and you still haven't received anything. I don't think you are strong enough to bone her and let go - so just let go period.

 

I hope you won't take it personally if I disregard someone's advice when their main reply to a situation like this is that they think I should bone the woman and move on...I will say this much. I've learned to grow up and deal with women in a mature manner, have you?

 

1. Always smart not to fish in the company pond, if your career with the company is vital to you. Doubly always smart not to fish in the company pond for a married person

 

2. MW is operating on pure emotion now. You're just an interesting tidbit on the periphery of her life. She's getting her ego fed right now by a lot of men. "Lucky you" are one of them (by your choice).

 

If, as others have suggested, her attachment to H is strong, this rubber band could snap back and forth for years. Since they have kids, even more so. Assume about the time the kids head off to college she'll have it figured out

 

Advice: Find a nice young single lady and invest some of that energy in her. Far less drama and much better return...

 

Yea I know I shouldn't date a co-worker...but unfortunately this is how things just turned out. I keep telling myself to not involve myself but I kinda got sucked in and now I am personally emotionally involved. Honestly, I care about how she feels and just not sure how to go foward from here.

 

I'm no priest and I'm not here to tell you that you should not be interested in a married woman. That's beside my point.

 

What I will tell you though (and I have been there before) echoes what the previous poster said. She is not available, no matter what she says to you. The fact that she stayed with him despite the numerous cheating situations is a clear indication of her profound attachment to her husband.

 

You need to hit yourself and get out of this situation pronto. Date someone else, have fun, don't get infatuated with her because you will get burned big time.

 

Well I wouldn't go so far as to say she is attached to him. She EXPLICITLY stated to me that if she had found out about his infidelity BEFORE she had kids...she would have been long gone in his life. She is pretty much staying with him for the family/finacial stability. Though that is even falling apart at this point.

 

She's not emotionally available to you. She probably wont' be for another year or so. I think she knows you're attracted to her. She's using you to boost her self-esteem right now.

 

Divorce is number 2 on the scale of "bad things that can happen" in life. I think only the death of a loved parent tops it. If you let yourself get even more emotionally entangled with this woman then you're going to end up being whipped around in an emotional storm. You might feel you're okay with that possibility right now, but trust me, it's not a good place to be. And whatever relationship you have with her won't last. She's not in a health place mentally right now, and she won't have the strength, energy, or time to give anything back to you. She'll need everything she's got just to get through the next year.

 

Be her friend, maybe let her know you're interested and then step back from the situation. You really need to let this infactuation go. It'll hurt you.

 

 

How do I let her know how I feel and then step back without it seeming like I'm acting selfish or worse yet, how do I let her know how I feel without making work awkard? I understand she is in emotional turmoil right now. That much I agree upon. And I know even if she divorces him it will be quite a few months before things return to normal in her psyche. And lastly, I have issues with regarding women as friends after I've categorized them as "potential dating material". I guess the only way that will happen is if she declares that her marriage is repaired. I don't really know...

[JoeNewbie]

I am not suggesting you should bone her and let go. I am saying that's all she is good for right now.

 

I hope you don't take it personally but for you to underestimate her level of attachment for her husband is quite naive. She may say he's a dirtbag and she may go on and on about how he was the biggest mistake of her life, the reality is that she is still with him. And if you think a 10 year relationship ends just like that, again you are being blinded by your desire for her.

 

If you went for coffee with her and bumped into her husband, you would very clearly see where her loyalty is.

[carhill]

Honestly, I care about how she feels and just not sure how to go foward from here.

 

 

That's an admirable quality. You can care about her, as a co-worker and friend, but if you're engaging sexual and romantic feelings, see that minefield ahead?

 

I went through this when I was your age. Many of the details are related in my journals.

 

Some things I learned:

1. The spouse isn't as "bad" as she's making him out to be

2. She's likely projecting some of her own "bad" behavior onto him

3. She'll tell you enough good things to keep you on the hook emotionally, but still will state the "caveats" clearly enough to absolve her of responsibility for any feelings she inspires in you.

4. She will grasp many branches before swinging clear of her M. Her current behavior indicates this. It could go on (and in my case did) for many years.

5. Her work personna may just be a mask. It was for my friend. No one who knew her casually would ever suspect the personal cr@p (not marriage-related) that went on, along with admittance of personal regrettable behavior.

6. What goes on behind closed doors is very different than what the world sees or hears about.

 

This is one job that you do not, I repeat, DO NOT, want to sign up for. If you enjoy casual sex, then, as JoeNewbie suggested, bang her, but don't engage your emotions. Misery will result, I swear to you

[JoeNewbie]

Some things I learned:

1. The spouse isn't as "bad" as she's making him out to be

2. She's likely projecting some of her own "bad" behavior onto him

3. She'll tell you enough good things to keep you on the hook emotionally, but still will state the "caveats" clearly enough to absolve her of responsibility for any feelings she inspires in you.

4. She will grasp many branches before swinging clear of her M. Her current behavior indicates this. It could go on (and in my case did) for many years.

5. Her work personna may just be a mask. It was for my friend. No one who knew her casually would ever suspect the personal cr@p (not marriage-related) that went on, along with admittance of personal regrettable behavior.

6. What goes on behind closed doors is very different than what the world sees or hears about.

 

1. Either he was always a jerk (makes you question her judgment), either she made him miserable (makes you question her stability).

2. Of course she's in complete denial right now. Her self-esteem is low and she improves it by blaming him.

3. Very true.

4. Very true. And even if she does get separated quickly, she is not ready for a caring guy (read needy guy) in her life.

5. Same thing happened to me. From the outside she seemed perfect. Once we became intimate she was a real mess.

6. Very true.

 

But if the OP cares enough for her and shows her how loveable she is, then she'll realize how fortunate she is and hang onto the OP like he was her savior, right? NOT!

[BlueHarvest]

1. Either he was always a jerk (makes you question her judgment), either she made him miserable (makes you question her stability).

2. Of course she's in complete denial right now. Her self-esteem is low and she improves it by blaming him.

3. Very true.

4. Very true. And even if she does get separated quickly, she is not ready for a caring guy (read needy guy) in her life.

5. Same thing happened to me. From the outside she seemed perfect. Once we became intimate she was a real mess.

6. Very true.

 

But if the OP cares enough for her and shows her how loveable she is, then she'll realize how fortunate she is and hang onto the OP like he was her savior, right? NOT!

 

Look joe. I came here for advice. You seem to be here to relish in others misery and then to provide your advice in the form of negative criticism or sarcasm. I accepted what carhill has to say and I'm thinking about it and comparing it to my own self-perceptions and thoughts.

 

If you want to play the hard-ass go right ahead, you may think I'm young or naive, or needy, or whatever cynical statement you make that you portray in real life to mask your own inadequacies. YOU are the "bad boy" they describe in the forums. Your own "confidence" is nothing more then bravado used to stimulate women to have sex with you. If that's all you want of life then that is your perrogative. But don't try to push your form of life onto mine.

 

Mine is to find someone to be with the rest of my life and to know what it is like to enjoy company that understand's me. I may be called many things but I will never be called a 'bad boy' and I'm proud of that. So if you will kindly not respond to ANY of my posts again I'd appreciate it.

[BlueHarvest]

I appreciate the advice so far from everyone.

 

Still confused on how to go from here, Walk if you don't mind I could use a little further explanation on how you came to your opinions on the matter.

[JoeNewbie]

Look joe. I came here for advice. You seem to be here to relish in others misery and then to provide your advice in the form of negative criticism or sarcasm. I accepted what carhill has to say and I'm thinking about it and comparing it to my own self-perceptions and thoughts.

 

If you want to play the hard-ass go right ahead, you may think I'm young or naive, or needy, or whatever cynical statement you make that you portray in real life to mask your own inadequacies. YOU are the "bad boy" they describe in the forums. Your own "confidence" is nothing more then bravado used to stimulate women to have sex with you. If that's all you want of life then that is your perrogative. But don't try to push your form of life onto mine.

 

Mine is to find someone to be with the rest of my life and to know what it is like to enjoy company that understand's me. I may be called many things but I will never be called a 'bad boy' and I'm proud of that. So if you will kindly not respond to ANY of my posts again I'd appreciate it.

 

You are reading me wrong all the way. Like you, I am looking for a wholesome relationship so we are no different here. I am not suggesting you should become a "bad boy" nor do I have the desire to become one myself.

 

All I am merely saying is that she is not ready for a relationship. All her system can afford right now is some hot steamy rebound sex. If you're not into that, no one is suggesting that you should. But if you want a healthy relationship, she is not a good candidate right now.

 

I hope this sounds better. Besides, it'll take more than your three posts to keep me from voicing my opinion.

[BlueHarvest]

Yes that does sound better Joe.

And I wasn't asking you to not express your opinion, just merely to consider the fact that if you were truly being the hard-ass to not express it in my threads if you could control yourself. And I apologize if I mis-categorized you. I'm under alot of duress right now, if you couldn't tell.

[JoeNewbie]

Yes that does sound better Joe.

And I wasn't asking you to not express your opinion, just merely to consider the fact that if you were truly being the hard-ass to not express it in my threads if you could control yourself.

 

Ok cool. I was saying that all she needs right now is a bad-ass as a softy like you and I would get severely burned.

 

I know she seems very attractive right now but even if she does feel attraction for you, it wouldn't last. Let her deal with her stuff and stay away from her for a while. If you go forward, here are the possible outcomes:

 

1) She rejects you.

2) She strings you along for X amount of time.

3) She jumps the boat and starts a relationship with you but changes her mind out of guilt and a number of other complex feelings.

4) She starts a healthy relationship with you.

 

Honestly, the odds for number 4 are next to none.

 

If you detach yourself from the situation, the possible outcomes are:

 

A) You end up meeting another woman who is ready for a relationship.

B) Your married friend gets a divorce, has a rebound affair and then realizes you're the good guy she's looking for.

C) Nothing at all.

 

Obviously what you feel right now is very strong and you may end up going with your primal instincts anyway. Whatever you do, try to keep your guard up as long as you can.

[Legend]

Most people will bash my advice,

but I say GO FOR IT.

 

you live once, and (sorry for those who believe in it) Marriage is an old tradition that is slowly dying.

[whichwayisup]

If you get more involved with her right now, how is that helping her stressful situation? Think about it. Is it really a good idea for you to put yourself in her life, get more attached, fall for her when she's in the midst of a possible divorce? Or separation? She has nothing to give to you right now..

 

It won't be a healthy relationship, her ending her marriage and in the process getting involved with you. People need time alone, to adjust, to grieve the loss of their marriage.

 

Back off and don't become her therapist. She shouldn't be running to you, or relying on you during this time. Don't be that guy, you'll end up with a broken heart.

 

Wait until she is officially divorced before pursuing her, if you don't, again, you'll be hurt badly.

 

Go read in the OW/OM section.

[BlueHarvest]

If you get more involved with her right now, how is that helping her stressful situation? Think about it. Is it really a good idea for you to put yourself in her life, get more attached, fall for her when she's in the midst of a possible divorce? Or separation? She has nothing to give to you right now..

 

It won't be a healthy relationship, her ending her marriage and in the process getting involved with you. People need time alone, to adjust, to grieve the loss of their marriage.

 

Back off and don't become her therapist. She shouldn't be running to you, or relying on you during this time. Don't be that guy, you'll end up with a broken heart.

 

Wait until she is officially divorced before pursuing her, if you don't, again, you'll be hurt badly.

 

Go read in the OW/OM section.

 

OW/OM Section?

[carhill]

OW/OM Section?

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/f57/

[nowhereman82]

These women are good for one thing: hot steamy sex.

 

But based on your first post, it seems like you've already invested too much into this and you still haven't received anything. I don't think you are strong enough to bone her and let go - so just let go period.

 

What he said....do not put it past her dude. I am pretty sure in the back of her mind she would love to have a sexual fling with you and some comfort. She has screwed the same dude since high school.

 

She brought up sex out of nowhere like you said...its on her mind dude

[JoeNewbie]

Most people will bash my advice,

but I say GO FOR IT.

 

you live once, and (sorry for those who believe in it) Marriage is an old tradition that is slowly dying.

 

You know what, I agree with you IF what I'm looking for is an exciting affair and a good **** every now and then.

 

But the OP seems to be on the more sentimental and therefore, he would line himself up for deception.

 

Hot sex? Yes.

 

Relationship material? Not right now.

[BlueHarvest]

Well I appreciate the advice so far...still doesn't help my own emotional conflict within but I guess I have an idea on how to go from here.

[BlueHarvest]

So I'm curious...does anyone have any tips on how I can emotionally back off, still be her friend but also tell myself that I need to step out of this, and let them work it out?

[Lucky_One]

Tell her that.

 

"Hey, I know you are going through a tough time right now, and I want to be supportive, but I am really uncomfortable with the things you are telling me about your marriage. I think you would be much better off saying those things to a therapist. "

 

Repeat as necessary.

[CaliGuy]

I agree. Right now she is damaged goods. The best thing you can do is stop trying to be her counselor lest you end up in the "friends zone" for life. She needs to go talk to a marriage counselor and not seek advice from you. Any relationship you two have while she is going through turmoil will end up a rebound.

 

Support her as a friend but don't become her counselor. Stay hands off and let their relationship works it's way out -- one way or the other.