Break or Break up? I need help!!!

[Aaron]

My girlfriend of almost 2 years, and I broke up about two weeks ago. She told me that something did not feel right, and she needed to find out if she wanted to be with me or not. At first I was hurt bad, but I understand totally what she is thinking. We have a long distance relationship right now, so seeing each other often is not an option. We have seen each other once since the break up which she wanted to see me just as much as I her, and we have talked quite a few times. The other night we were talking on the phone and I think I may have messed up. I told her that if she wanted us to just go our seperate ways I needed her to tell me because I am prepared to do so if I must, also i told her that I was not going to contact her anymore and that the next time we talk it would be up to her. She told me that she did not want to break off all ties, and that she was just not sure whether or not she did want to be with me. After I said these things I thought that I came off kind of mean, and apologized for the way I said what I said. Did i make a mistake in putting these options on the table? Also does this sound more like a break or an actual breakup. She tells me she loves me dearly, she is just unsure and I know she is stressed out by school. Please help???

[Nicky]

My girlfriend of almost 2 years, and I broke up about two weeks ago. She told me that something did not feel right, and she needed to find out if she wanted to be with me or not. At first I was hurt bad, but I understand totally what she is thinking. We have a long distance relationship right now, so seeing each other often is not an option. We have seen each other once since the break up which she wanted to see me just as much as I her, and we have talked quite a few times. The other night we were talking on the phone and I think I may have messed up. I told her that if she wanted us to just go our seperate ways I needed her to tell me because I am prepared to do so if I must, also i told her that I was not going to contact her anymore and that the next time we talk it would be up to her. She told me that she did not want to break off all ties, and that she was just not sure whether or not she did want to be with me. After I said these things I thought that I came off kind of mean, and apologized for the way I said what I said. Did i make a mistake in putting these options on the table? Also does this sound more like a break or an actual breakup. She tells me she loves me dearly, she is just unsure and I know she is stressed out by school. Please help???

Hi there

 

Long distance relationships can be immensely difficult. I think a large part of the future of your relationship depends upon how much longer it will be long distance.

 

We fall in love with people who meet and satisfy our deepest needs. We fall out of love when some/none of our needs are no longer satisfied. As I'm sure you know, it can be very difficult meeting a partner's needs down a phone line.

 

I don't think you messed up by saying what you did. At the end of the day, she set the ball rolling. She wanted time to work out whether or not to be with you. She has that time. If she could have made up her mind whilst being in a relationship with you, she'd have done so, and you'd have never heard about this.

 

She won't have the space she says she needs, if you keep calling her, so I think you did the right thing by saying the next move should be from her.

 

I don't think you made a mistake at all by offering those options. Hopefully, you have made it clear to her, that she will lose you, if she doesn't want to have a relationship with you. What's wrong with that?

 

I hope it works out for you, all the best.

[Aaron]

Hi there Long distance relationships can be immensely difficult. I think a large part of the future of your relationship depends upon how much longer it will be long distance. We fall in love with people who meet and satisfy our deepest needs. We fall out of love when some/none of our needs are no longer satisfied. As I'm sure you know, it can be very difficult meeting a partner's needs down a phone line. I don't think you messed up by saying what you did. At the end of the day, she set the ball rolling. She wanted time to work out whether or not to be with you. She has that time. If she could have made up her mind whilst being in a relationship with you, she'd have done so, and you'd have never heard about this. She won't have the space she says she needs, if you keep calling her, so I think you did the right thing by saying the next move should be from her. I don't think you made a mistake at all by offering those options. Hopefully, you have made it clear to her, that she will lose you, if she doesn't want to have a relationship with you. What's wrong with that? I hope it works out for you, all the best.

 

Hey Nicky

Thanks for the advice, the long distance thing has at least a year left to it, you see we both go to school in different states. We are both still very young and I know we both have a bright future ahead of us, whether or not our futures will be the same nobody can say. I have told her I love her, and want nothing more than to be with her, but that is all I can do. I want her and I to be happy regardless of whether or not that means we are together. She told me that even if we do not rekindle our relationship as it were, she would still like to be the best friends that we are already. I do not know if that would cause more grief than going our seperate ways. I guess only time will tell. Thanx

[Shirley]

My girlfriend of almost 2 years, and I broke up about two weeks ago. She told me that something did not feel right, and she needed to find out if she wanted to be with me or not. At first I was hurt bad, but I understand totally what she is thinking. We have a long distance relationship right now, so seeing each other often is not an option. We have seen each other once since the break up which she wanted to see me just as much as I her, and we have talked quite a few times. The other night we were talking on the phone and I think I may have messed up. I told her that if she wanted us to just go our seperate ways I needed her to tell me because I am prepared to do so if I must, also i told her that I was not going to contact her anymore and that the next time we talk it would be up to her. She told me that she did not want to break off all ties, and that she was just not sure whether or not she did want to be with me. After I said these things I thought that I came off kind of mean, and apologized for the way I said what I said. Did i make a mistake in putting these options on the table? Also does this sound more like a break or an actual breakup. She tells me she loves me dearly, she is just unsure and I know she is stressed out by school. Please help???

 

Hi!

 

This just sounds like you're putting your goals before your feelings. Love isn't something that you should just put on the back burner until you are ready to enjoy it. If you feel it, you should nurture it. School will always be there. What does it matter if you graduate now, or ten years from now. And if the two of you are in love, and share your lives together, wouldn't it be better to reach your goals together, with each of you supporting each other?

[Aaron]

Hi! This just sounds like you're putting your goals before your feelings. Love isn't something that you should just put on the back burner until you are ready to enjoy it. If you feel it, you should nurture it. School will always be there. What does it matter if you graduate now, or ten years from now. And if the two of you are in love, and share your lives together, wouldn't it be better to reach your goals together, with each of you supporting each other?

I understand what you are saying Shirley. She knows that I want to be with her, but she is the one that must make the choice. And I know she will make the best one she can for her and I. When I met her she renewed my faith that there were intelligent, compassionate, mature young women in the world, and I still feel this way. She is one of the most amazing people I have met in my lifetime and I hate to lose her, but she must do what she feels happy with and I have come to terms with that. I was hoping that at this point in our lives that we could stick together and be there for each other like we always have. This is an exciting, fascinating all be it stressful period in our lives which I am hoping we can share. The choice is hers and hers alone to make, she knows exactly how I feel I have not masked that from her. I have done all that I feel I can/should do, I do not feel it is my position to do anymore. There is no wrong or right choice in my opinion except for her not doing what she really wants to do. Only time will tell. Thanx