What's wrong with me??

[kash0]

I should be happy. Very happy. But I'm not.

 

Married 5 years. Kind of a whirlwind romance, first date to wedding bells in 2 months. Learned a lot about each other before we got married, learned even more after we got married.

 

In general, we're a good match - similar tastes in most stuff. But communication seems to be issue. When a serious issue comes up, she says she wants to talk about it, but wants to do whatever she thinks is best. I end up keeping my opinions and thoughts to myself. I don't like conflict or arguing, so I just go along with things unless I think it's a really big issue worth arguing about.

 

But the problem is I avoid conflict so much, that almost all issues get resolved like this. If something bothers me, I just bury it inside. I become quiet and withdrawn. She seems to notice, but seems to just accept it.

 

Believe me, trying to convince her otherwise ranges from difficult to impossible. example: she doesn't drink (religious reasons); I don't because I don't like to. But I don't believe in forcing others to accept your view points. I told her I should have the freedom to make that decision (even though I would 99% of the time not drink anyways). Her: this is a dealbreaker (ie, if I drink, she would divorce me). Excuse me?? I work, pay the bills, and she would be willing to divorce me if I had an occasional drink?? I dropped it because I don't like alcohol anyways (haven't had a drink in years; could never finish one whole drink anyways).

 

I would have been ok with this, willing to accept this as the best I could hope for. But then I meet someone at work who is nice, sweet, smart, pretty and accepts me the way I am. Granted I'm just a work friend to her. There's no affair, no secret plans. But I find myself feeling so happy when I see this person, and wondering why I meet this wonderful person now that I have been married for years. When I see this person, I end up feeling upset and frustrated at my own situation . . .

 

I know realistically everyone has some issue, this work person must have some issues, that she's probably putting on her 'best face' because she's at work (like I probably do too). Still, being able to talk to her, to vent to her, and then come home and just close myself up to maintain peace and quiet . . .

 

Wife says I should talk more, says she wants to discuss things -- but I know better. If it's important to her, it's non-negotiable. I get tired of trying to convince her otherwise, so I end up just going along. I never believed in forcing people to do things; easier for me to shut up than to argue.

 

(side note: me discussing something is a calm, quiet, quick, rational discussion. her discussing something is an animated, emotional, loud process that looks like angry arguing to me but is just 'talking' to her)

 

So, I have problem with avoiding conflict with the wife (not with anyone else; I'm pretty good at resolving issues with others - weird, huh?) and really liking this co-worker (nothing going on, I'm just a work friend to her, but I end up wondering why wife can't be at least somewhat like her), and I bury all these conflicts and issues deep inside of me (which just makes me tired and give me a headache).

 

So what's wrong with me? Why do I do this? Is this normal? I hear of so many couples having marriage issues; mine seem trivial. I so rarely meet a happily married couple. Is this what marriage is like? I should be grateful my problems aren't more serious, right? I sometimes think, 5 years down, 25 years to go (meaning 25 years and I'll be dead and free).

I really think I could keep doing this - ignore the frustration, focus on a hobby, joke about being the typical married guy where everything goes in one ear and out the other; but to meet this co-worker -- so wonderful, just reminds how I feel deep down inside.

 

why can't I be happy? or at least a typical guy and not care? don't all married men keep their mouths shut? why can't I do that and be content?

 

sorry for so long. I've read these forums for a while looking for an answer, but can't find any. i don't think wife has any idea how I feel; keep trying to act happy. don't want divorce. I guess I just want someone to tell me to stop whining and be happy the way things are.

[whichwayisup]

You and your wife need marriage counselling. Both of you need to learn to listen, to communicate, to understand eachother. Learn to compromise and put eachother first.

 

Forget the OW, all that will do is add more crap in your life. Next thing you know, you'll get used to having another woman 'be there' for you and it'll feed your ego, and some feelings, as well as her. So, distance yourself from that woman and focus on your wife.

[westrock]

whichwayisup is correct.. MC is what the two of you need. Stay away from that OW. Do not compare her to your situation at all as it will not help you.

 

But the problem is I avoid conflict so much, that almost all issues get resolved like this. If something bothers me, I just bury it inside. I become quiet and withdrawn.

 

This is the crux of your issue. Avoiding conflict seems like the easy way to resolve issues, but in the end the issues do not get resolved as you are finding out.

 

me discussing something is a calm, quiet, quick, rational discussion. her discussing something is an animated, emotional, loud process that looks like angry arguing to me but is just 'talking' to her

 

The two of just have different styles of communicating. First accept that and then work from there. You need to learn to adjust for these different styles otherwise you will continue to just be frustrated and resort back to avoiding the issues. Try reading John Gray's original Men are from Mars Women are from Venus book for suggestions. Or maybe read one of John Gottman's books which deal with this -- you can find them at amazon.

[kash0]

i was afraid we would need MC, but only because I don't know what it will accomplish. I've tried talking to her before over various issues, but the end result is always the same -- I usually close up and we do what she wants. I keep telling myself that 90% of all issues are not important, and thus not worth fighting over. The 10% of the time where I do feel strongly about something, I just go ahead and do what I want. She usually does not make a fuss unless it's something that affects/involves her.

 

Fortunately, the OW NEVER encourages any sort of bad behavior/activity (which makes her an even better role model). I do enjoy venting to her (as well as other co-workers, male and female), because it helps blow off steam. Everyone seems to have a typical marraige -- meaning there is always some issue, some conflict, something! No one is perfectly, happily married, without any conflict at all.

 

What are my options beside marriage counseling? I am strong believer that people are the way they are, and I really don't think the wife will really 'change' that much with counseling.

 

thanks for the feedback so far. i know communication is an issue -- surprising that I don't have this issue outside of marriage.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I would be so pissed off to learn that everyone at my husband's work knew of his problems within our marriage, and I knew nothing.

 

PISSED.

 

Talk to your wife and quit your whining to your co-workers. Good God, would you expect to resolve your telephone issues by talking to the cable guy??? Go to the source, man! Grow a pair!

[quankanne]

only because I don't know what it will accomplish

 

don't think of it as an arena where you're going to get sacrificed because you're "bad" but as a way of getting the tools you need to better communicate with your spouse. As another poster pointed out, you have a different style of communicating and haven't found a way to do so successfully, which makes you have positive feelings for some chick you think is "nice."

 

if you don't feel comfortable with the idea of counseling, look into marriage enrichment courses offered by churches and even some local governments. I know here in East Texas, the neighboring county got a grant for something called "We Vow Now," which sounds a lot like the Catholic Marriage Encounter weekend my husband and I went on nearly 10 years ago. And if it's anything remotely like the ME weekend, it's got to be an awesome program. My husband dragged his feet forever when I first approached him about it, then out of the blue suggested we go. And he'll tell you it's the best thing we ever did for our marriage ... I'm guessing it's because it helped us both get on the same page and helped us focus on the bigger issue (the bedrock of love that supports our marriage) and not the little cranky nitpicky issues that made us detour every time we got into a disagreement.

[soserious1]

i was afraid we would need MC, but only because I don't know what it will accomplish. I've tried talking to her before over various issues, but the end result is always the same -- I usually close up and we do what she wants. I keep telling myself that 90% of all issues are not important, and thus not worth fighting over. The 10% of the time where I do feel strongly about something, I just go ahead and do what I want. She usually does not make a fuss unless it's something that affects/involves her.

 

Fortunately, the OW NEVER encourages any sort of bad behavior/activity (which makes her an even better role model). I do enjoy venting to her (as well as other co-workers, male and female), because it helps blow off steam. Everyone seems to have a typical marraige -- meaning there is always some issue, some conflict, something! No one is perfectly, happily married, without any conflict at all.

 

What are my options beside marriage counseling? I am strong believer that people are the way they are, and I really don't think the wife will really 'change' that much with counseling.

 

thanks for the feedback so far. i know communication is an issue -- surprising that I don't have this issue outside of marriage.

 

 

Sounds to me like the communication issues are on your end, when you close up and don't talk, don't come to some sort of clear understanding on an issue, of course she's going to go and handle whatever it was her way, what

do you expect,your wife to follow behind you begging you to speak? No ,you clam up and expect her to chase you and beg you to finally hash out an issue to it's conclusion or to read your mind and do whatever it is the way you want it done.

 

 

It also seems that you've got no problem speaking up up at work, when complaining about your wife.There's a new skirt there,a gal who makes you all tingly in your BVD's and suddenly you can sing your feelings like a prize winning canary ?

 

Whatever you do, you need to get honest with yourself here.

[GoodOnPaper]

I would have been ok with this, willing to accept this as the best I could hope for. But then I meet someone at work who is nice, sweet, smart, pretty and accepts me the way I am . . .

 

This is why communication is easier at work -- you feel you can be yourself. It looks like you have a pattern of putting everyone's needs ahead of yours under the guise of being considerate and easy-going, but this behavior must not be truly you, or you wouldn't be feeling this pressure at home.

 

Counseling is a good idea -- either individual or marriage. You need to tap into what you are hiding from yourself and why. There will be women who will tell you that you should be less selfish and put your wife first, but it sounds like you need to work on identifying your needs and putting them first. Otherwise, you may never feel that you can be truly yourself in your marriage.

[StepfordWife]

I would be so pissed off to learn that everyone at my husband's work knew of his problems within our marriage, and I knew nothing.

 

PISSED.

 

Talk to your wife and quit your whining to your co-workers. Good God, would you expect to resolve your telephone issues by talking to the cable guy??? Go to the source, man! Grow a pair!

I half agree - with the grow a pair comment. OP, you need to talk to her and quick! Put your foot down, that's what she needs. She knows that she can run roughshod over you and that you will back down, and she'll "win" - and that's what she's used to ...

 

Piss her off, and stand up to your position, your co-workers can't help you here, and are probably sick of hearing your whining anyway...

 

SW

[Lucky_One]

I would be so pissed off to learn that everyone at my husband's work knew of his problems within our marriage, and I knew nothing.

 

PISSED.

 

Talk to your wife and quit your whining to your co-workers. Good God, would you expect to resolve your telephone issues by talking to the cable guy??? Go to the source, man! Grow a pair!

 

No kidding. Go to work to work, not to discuss your marital issues. I, too, would be PISSED if my BF was talking to everyone else (ESP if he was talking to another woman that he wanted to screw) besides me about OUR relationship.

 

It is guaranteed that you are presenting only your side to your potential lover; it is also guaranteed that your wife would present an entirely different view. No one at your workplace can give you advice from a biased viewpoint - get to a MC.

[moonmosaic]

I don't know if it's always possible to "communicate" with someone, especially when roles have been established - one makes decisions, the other makes the audience for listening. MC only works if both parties are ready to change things.

 

You could try to takes notes in a diary, write down issues being discussed; who makes the final decision on what issue or how it is resolved - you agreed or disagreed. Do it for a month than discuss it with your wife. If the majority of the issues is decided by her only than you can tell her that you are not happy about the weight of democracy in your marriage. Maybe than you can take on MC to help her and yourself if she is willing.

 

I have female friends who make all the decisions at home and they would not have things in any other way. Your wife may be like them, in that case it's up to you to take it or leave it.