BI-Sexual Co-worker wants to be friends...ugh..

[johndoe0701]

Ok,

I'm married just over 10 years, no kids. My wife and I have a marriage of obligation it seems. Somehow we are still together but that's a different story.

 

I have a bi-sexual co-worker that I have taken multiple business trips with and for the past 6 months was strictly plutonic.

 

Last month I hosted a party at my house were both of us were intoxicated, ended up that when my wife stepped out to find another friend, we closed one of the doors to a bedroom and kissed for the first time very passionately. It was a great kiss. We ended up kissing one more time behind a closed door before the party ended.

 

The next day she said that she would never do that again.... and I asked why. She said because I was married...and because she was involved in a relationship (long distance) with another woman that she bought a house with. I was shocked. I never knew she was BI. Actually for all I know she is full on Lesbian. She told me that all her relationships with guys has failed and has since moved on to woman. To this point I believe her.

 

Fast forward to now...and we constantly tease each other at work and we talk about anything and everything. No subject is taboo.... however, I have this very strong desire to kiss her again and even more if she would only let me.

 

We ended up hanging out together in a room at work and afterwards I asked for a hug. She was hesitant but gave in...afterwards I went for another kiss and she said no and left (She had to go because of another meeting). I was devistated.

 

I did not talk to her for a day or two and she send me an email at work asking if I'm going to talk to her anymore and that she feels I owe her an apology. I respond "I'm sorry" and then she responds "Okay, still friends?" I did not respond.

 

I feel I'm getting prick teased and it's f_ked up. If she truly is Lesbian, then I'm getting worked over and she gets all the attention from me because she makes me feel that she will give in one day... but actually she doesn't see me in that way. What do you think? Is she a mind gamer? She wants to be friends... IMO, friends don't flirt and they sure don't talk about sex and personal stuff if they expect it to be plutonic. Do you think that she is also confused or knows exactly what she's doing.

 

My take is to talk to her only as a co-worker and no more extra attention or effort to spend time with her. Your thoughts are appreciated.

 

Johndoe

[Bob54]

That she's lying about being bisexual just to make u goaway?

 

If she's really not cool with dating a married man, she might just be looking for a polite way of breaking things off...making u think her sexual preference is another gender is one way a girl might do it.

 

As for being friends w/ her, that's up to you. Can you accept her that way? Ugh, I'm in a similar situation and I feel your pain, guy. I posted a thread about my dilemma in the OM/OW category if u want toread it.

 

So far, my girl wants to be just friends...but she hasn't gone so far as to tell me she is bi!

[johndoe0701]

That she's lying about being bisexual just to make u goaway?

 

Ugh, I'm in a similar situation and I feel your pain, guy. I posted a thread about my dilemma in the OM/OW category if u want toread it.

 

 

We had discussion about her exploring other woman in her past before we had ever kissed. She wouldn't need to lie about herself, the excuse that I'm married would be enough.

 

My only complaint is that she is willing to discuss and flirt and tease etc....almost inviting me to cross the line just so she can say "no". I have a problem with that.

 

I will read your dilema...as I'm interested also.

 

Johndoe

[Enema]

Show me were in the forum rules it states that I have to be faithful to post my questions/concerns/problems to get advise?

 

Show me where in the forum rules it says that you'll always get advice you agree with, or advice that makes you feel good about yourself?

 

Nothing I said was untrue. If the other woman you're involved with came here, we'd tell her to get away from you until you ended your marriage.

 

That's the same advice I give you. Deal with it.

[2sure]

You shared a couple of kisses while drinking, she is in a committed relationship of some sort and so are you. Its sometimes fun to flirt with people that we know are "safe" - like friends or married people. She was offended when you tried to push the line. She isnt into you. I cant imagine why.

[BoerumHill]

she would never do that again....

 

she said no and left (She had to go because of another meeting).

 

She wants to be friends...

 

Let it go and move on. She has made herself clear enough, if you want to grasp at straws you'll keep finding reasons to harrass her, but in your situation (married, it's a co-worker) you're just asking for trouble by continuing to pursue this.

[LoveLace]

She isn't trying to purposely string you along. To her, the flirting is just the nature of your friendship, it's fun for you both, and she wants it to stay that way. But if you don't feel that you can be friends without feeling frustrated, I suggest you just don't talk to her anymore. She regretted the kiss because you are both attached to someone else. But this didn't rule out flirting/fun/friendship for her. If that's all ruled out for you, life goes on.

[johndoe0701]

She isn't trying to purposely string you along. To her, the flirting is just the nature of your friendship, it's fun for you both, and she wants it to stay that way. But if you don't feel that you can be friends without feeling frustrated, I suggest you just don't talk to her anymore. She regretted the kiss because you are both attached to someone else. But this didn't rule out flirting/fun/friendship for her. If that's all ruled out for you, life goes on.

 

Thanks for the comment.

 

We are still friends but it is difficult for me because in my mind we have already crossed the line and it left me longing for more. However, she is definately someone that I want to continue being friends with. The flirting was difficult for me to read because in my past it always has led to sex, which is what I thought she was ultimately after or needed me to make the move since I'm the married one. I've never had success with "friendgirls" but I guess this an opportunity to give it another try. Doesn't help that I find her attractive in a weird sort of way even though she is actually not very attractive. Imagine that.

 

I'm going to continue being her friend at work and we'll see if it works. I will update this thread if anything comes of it. Good or bad.

 

Thanks again.

 

Johndoe

[whichwayisup]

I'm married just over 10 years, no kids. My wife and I have a marriage of obligation it seems. Somehow we are still together but that's a different story.

 

Tell the story, I'm interested in hearing about it.

 

Why are you so focussed on this 'bi' woman? What about your wife? Or do you have an open marriage?

 

Atleast this bi woman has respect for the fact you are married, seems you've forgotten that..Yet you keep pushing her, wanting to kiss her - Atleast one of you is thinking properly.

[LoveLace]

Thanks for the comment.

 

We are still friends but it is difficult for me because in my mind we have already crossed the line and it left me longing for more. However, she is definately someone that I want to continue being friends with. The flirting was difficult for me to read because in my past it always has led to sex, which is what I thought she was ultimately after or needed me to make the move since I'm the married one. I've never had success with "friendgirls" but I guess this an opportunity to give it another try. Doesn't help that I find her attractive in a weird sort of way even though she is actually not very attractive. Imagine that.

 

I'm going to continue being her friend at work and we'll see if it works. I will update this thread if anything comes of it. Good or bad.

 

Thanks again.

 

Johndoe

 

 

In her mind also, did you and her "cross the line", and for whatever reason she wants to avoid it happening again, while you want more. Unfortunately your side always has to lose in that game, and just respect what the other person wants, so that you can at least manage to be friends. Everything you felt is totally normal, it's just that you might as well push it aside now.

[JamesM]

One huge red flag came up when you pushed her for a hug at work.....sexual harassment.

 

I cannot say this strong enough. I know the inside feeling of lust and desire. She kissed you passionately while drunk. Now she has said that she won't be with a married man.

 

Yet all you can remember is those kisses with her. It is something that you have been missing in your life with your wife. So, you want that passion again.

 

Now what you are doing is bringing that passion to work. It can end in many ways:

 

1. You both lose interest. Take this as a lesson on what your marriage is missing and decide if your marriage can be fixed.Best Way.

 

2. You keep pursuing her. She tries to gently push you back (which is what the reluctant hug was). She finally gets sick of it and leaves the company.

 

3. Same scenario as #2 but the ending is...she files a lawsuit, and you get fired. This is made public, and your wife leaves you.

 

4. She gives in to her secret desire for you (which probably doesn't exist), and the two of you have an affair. This leads to either a relationship or a bad ending. In either case, you have a breakup with your wife. Then you realize that this woman is BI and she really isn't in to men. You lose her AND your wife and possibly your job.

 

5. You keep pursuing her, and she gently pushes you off. There is no threat of lawsuit, and she does not leave the company. However, she has no interest. You build up this fantasy inside of you which affects your work performance and home life. You become miserable. It all ends when your wife finds out either from a coworker of yours or from a confession from you. Your marriage is in a crisis.

 

6. Same as #5, except you comes to your senses before it gets too far. You realize that while your marriage has been lukewarm lately, your wife really is good for you. You pursue your wife, and rediscover the passion that you had in those early years.

 

Of all of the options that I can think of, only #1 and #6 are positive results. Consider how you want your future to end.

 

And yes, a very remote possibility is...that this woman falls in love with you. You leave your wife amicably. This woman and you live happily ever after as you both realize that you are soul mates. I think we can see that this is not a likely outcome.

[johndoe0701]

James,

Very good post. Thank you.

 

1. You both lose interest. Take this as a lesson on what your marriage is missing and decide if your marriage can be fixed.Best Way. This is possible but I doubt it will happen. We have a lot in common and share the same nationality and culture.

 

2. You keep pursuing her. She tries to gently push you back (which is what the reluctant hug was). She finally gets sick of it and leaves the company. I'm set on not pursuing her anymore....but now she is the one who is soliciting for time with me. During a conversation we once had, she said that if I was not married I was the type of guy she would consider dating.

 

3. Same scenario as #2 but the ending is...she files a lawsuit, and you get fired. This is made public, and your wife leaves you. Scary thought but I will not put myself in a situation that would leave myself open for such a case. Specifically in that I have deferred to following her lead from this point on.

 

4. She gives in to her secret desire for you (which probably doesn't exist), and the two of you have an affair. This leads to either a relationship or a bad ending. In either case, you have a breakup with your wife. Then you realize that this woman is BI and she really isn't in to men. You lose her AND your wife and possibly your job. In my mind, I would like for her to give in to me... but I will not be pushing it or asking for it. If it did happen, I would be looking at it as a "friends with benefits" type of relationship. Hopefully she would stick with her "BI" preference and not get attached. Regardless of what were to happen, I would not break up with my wife.

 

5. You keep pursuing her, and she gently pushes you off. There is no threat of lawsuit, and she does not leave the company. However, she has no interest. You build up this fantasy inside of you which affects your work performance and home life. You become miserable. It all ends when your wife finds out either from a coworker of yours or from a confession from you. Your marriage is in a crisis. This is something that had potential years back... I have been miserable many times in the past and even now but my wife and I have talked about it. I can get over it... My interest in her is in no way long term. I am only with the company another 16 months and then I'm moving on.

 

6. Same as #5, except you comes to your senses before it gets too far. You realize that while your marriage has been lukewarm lately, your wife really is good for you. You pursue your wife, and rediscover the passion that you had in those early years. My wife loves me to death. More than I deserve. My dilema is that during one of our many discussions of divorce, I told her that I "love" her, but am not "In love" with her. I love her as my best friend in life. She accepts that and continues to love me regardless. I have asked her many times to "let me go"... so I can find someone that I can love the way she loves me...and so she can find someone who will love her the way she deserves to be loved. We have no children. She has 2 from a previous marraige that I raised to successful adults. There will never be passion in our marraige. I've tried. I can love her to death as a person, but raw passion and longing for someone is something that has to come naturally. It was never there...even when we married.

 

UPDATE: CO-worker asks me to treat her to dinner to make right a bet that I lost. But also asked if I would be her personal fitness trainer and if we can work out before we go eat. Hmmm.... I've given her the benefit of the doubt that she is not leading me on.... but this leave me wondering. I agreed because I want to test myself and feel her out some more on her motives. Either she is trying to string me along to boost her ego. Or she is also confused as me and wants to push the envelope.

 

Remember now, she is not that particularly attractive. I am however in VERY tip top shape. 6 pack and all. She always makes reference to my body so I'm wondering what that's all about. She is the only BIsexual friend I've had. Since she pushed me away the one time.... I'm just teaching myself to blow her off and tell myself that it's just harmless talk that means particularly....nothing.

 

Thoughts?

Johndoe

[2sure]

LOL- Ya know JonD - you mention more than once that you do not find this woman physically attractive. You also mention more than once that she is BI. You then go on to say you have never had a BI friend. LOL

 

I get it, and whats more - I don't even blame you. Most men have fantasies about being involved with a Bi woman. Specifically TWO Bi women...and you.

 

You state right up front you arent leaving your wife and that anyway , you are only looking for a temporary hit and run kind of thing. LOL

 

What is the big quandry here?? You feel you may have a chance at fulfilling your fantasy and you want to know how to get it.

 

Ask her if she can help you out just before you leave the company. Chances are she won't but hey, what have you to lose?

 

Tell your wife. Maybe like you, she will see this as a once in lifetime opportunity for you, and not want you to miss out. After all, this is not the threat to her (although certainly the marriage has problems!).

 

I'm pretty open minded, so maybe that is why this seems obvious to me....then again - a lot of times I don't know what I'm talking about.