obsessing over an ex's physical intimacy with someone new

[woolfman]

Hi, I'm new here. My apologies for the vagueness of what follows, but I want to keep things to the point.

 

Today, for the first time in my life, I am going to have to go through a day knowing that, at some point during the day, an "ex" of mine is going to be physically intimate (to one degree or another) with someone else.

 

Just imagining what's going to be going on between the two of them is absolutely killing me inside. Imagining the specifics of what's going to be happening (i.e., the kissing, the touching, etc.) is making me feel lonely, miserable, anxious, depressed, and insecure. It's tormenting, but I just can't stop obsessing over the physical details.

 

Basically, I'm feeling insanely, hopelessly jealous.

 

There's a long back-story with some complicated details, and I guess I can give more specifics if anyone's curious about any aspect of it, but basically now I just need some practical advice to help me make it through the day (and beyond, since there are going to be more days like this coming). Even just some general words of sympathy or empathy, or of support/encouragement/etc., would be great. Thanks.

[Intergalactic]

thinking about "specifics" will NOT help. you need to keep yourself as busy as possible. when thoughts of her creep up on you, consciously switch to something else COMPLETELY unrelated (i like to think about travelling, or how good it will feel to run round the block later in the afternoon etc).

another thing that helps me is coming to terms with the fact that, yes, as much as it sucks and hurts, my ex most likely at some point will hook up with someone else. i think of that, i think of how ****ty that is, then i let it go. make yourself okay with it. make yourself realise that you too will find someone to be with who you like, who you'll want to be intimate with. it might take longer, who cares?

[lofi_tokyo]

I agree completely with Intergalactic

 

Do what you can to distract yourself, thinking about those details is obviously not doing you any good. Thinking of things you're looking forward to definitely works, and so does thinking about things that would make you happy - like winning the lottery? Those work as nice temporary distractions.

 

You'll find someone new also, someday. Even if it seems impossible to imagine being intimate with anyone else right now, as you let yourself heal, you'll get more comfortable with the idea.

[watermeloncandy]

i do the same thing as well.

it makes me sick thinking about it. weird how i let something like that bother me about someone who's been so sh*tty to me.

i think about how he'd tell me how great i'd make him feel, and he acted like he'd never experienced anything like that to that degree with anyone else before..and now i wonder if it is all lies and he'll say the same thing to the next one...probably...

and too he told me he wasnt into casual sex yet i know he's actively looking for it - and thinking about him doing that makes me really want to puke.

but i agree with the above posts...we need to think about other stuff.

the relationship is over, they will move on, and eventually we will too - and WE will be sleeping with someone different as well.

[EmperorR]

we all feel that way, thats why no contact, so you dont know what there up to, just think before you some other guy had her or whatever.

[sacg]

Man, i feel for you. Im there, and the weekends kill, but do you know what, it is getting easier to swallow, and Im starting to resent the bitch.

 

I cant work it out if you need to suffer these thoughts and not bury

them away, (cause i do think they are doing some good to your subconcious), or you blank them out and stay "busy" (do you know how hard it is to stay busy all damn day?) I personally cant contrrol it anyway, so have to deal with the film like images in my head. But like i said, I think im really moving on now and seeing her for what she is...that pedestal has definatley gone. And, as to 3 weeks ago, im REALLY questioning if i could ever see her again if that was an option. Worth some thought?

 

If she/he is doing the things your imagining, surely that starts to eat away at the "i want her/him back" stage. Surly you start to think, if they can do that.....etc, etc. Surley we HAVE to, to accept theyre gone and good riddance!

 

I hate it still, i see her doing what we did, but the thoughts get further apart, and i become more indifferent. Yes, good days, bad days, but mostly the last few have been "easier". Not to say it doesnt cut deep at night when im going to bed alone.

 

I love her, always will, but do i want her, doing what she can so easily do with another?

 

Sorry of thats a little to the point and non empathetic. I see those images man, and i hate them, but its doing something positive to me, providing a more realistic view......i think :-)

 

Good luck bud.

 

PS. I did read somewhere that theres a mind thing you can do with thoughts you want to void. I must say i tried it and couldnt get it to work, Lol. Then again, im pigheaded, (prob another reason shed have for leaving). Jealousy, is inevitable, especially if your know they are with someone and you still care, ist your thought pattern that makes a difference, this in turn provokes images of that we cant have, then those imgaes manifest to our own control to how bad we want them to be, and we make a point of every detail dont we?. The trick is to estinguish the initial image before they manifest. So when you start to think of her and him, white it out. They mean, imagine turning up the brightness on a TV till its whited out. Keep doing that whenever you start to think, and eventually it should be auto. like i said, didnt work for me, you know what people will write to sell books. Worth a go though!

[carhill]

OP, I remember shaking the hand of the guy who had been banging my wife for 10 years (her ex-husband) and saying to myself "he's sure a good guy; I wonder why they got divorced" and he was and is (a good guy). I didn't wonder what positions they used or if he gave facials or visualized their orgasms. That's just a non-productive mind-f!ck. The same would apply to anyone in the future if we D. IMO, you're approaching relationships all wrong. If you're past the age of puberty, anyone you meet has a sexual past and will have a sexual future beyond you. You (and I) are really not that important in the scope of the world.

 

So, was your GF a virgin when you first had sex?

 

I can empathize with the pain of a break-up but you really need to quit the visuals or that pain will go on forever. Perhaps that isn't the support you're looking for, but it is reality. Go complete NC and actively block thoughts of her from your mind. You can control this and, once you learn how, you'll never be plagued with it again because you'll know how to survive it in a healthy way. In that I wish you well

[sacg]

carhill, some wise'ish words, but Im 39, i'd say pretty grown up and adult, and I feel the same. I also think it can help, help to face the reality.

 

Your lucky to be so grounded my friend.

[almost famous]

How do you know the exact time and day she is going to be "intimate" with someone else or that she hasn't already? She has a new boyfriend already, I take it? They could have already done the deed.

You really just have to stop thinking about it.

[woolfman]

Thanks for the advice, folks, most of it is helpful. But in light of some of the comments, I think I now have to share some of the "complicated details" I referred to in my OP.

 

First off, she and I are best friends. NC is absolutely not an option. This is the best, closest friendship that either of us has ever had, and neither of us thinks this (i.e., her being sort of involved with someone else now) is worth ruining the friendship over.

 

The reason she and I have been able to remain best friends is that, strictly speaking, we never "broke up." She was in a non-intimate marriage (nothing at all, physically or really emotionally either) when I got to know her, and our relationship occurred in the context of an open marriage that her husband allowed. The only reason they're still married is because they have kids, and both are worried about the effect a divorce would have on that, so even though they understand that divorce might happen anyway down the road, they don't want to rush into that until they feel they absolutely have to. Anyway, since she gets no kind of intimacy out of the marriage, she basically bargained with him to allow her to have a relationship with me while they remained married. It was understood from the beginning to be a (four-month) experiment, and he had veto power, as it were. Well, he just wasn't handling the whole thing very well, so he chose to exercise his veto power, so in essence she and I were broken up without choosing to break up at all. There has never been any animosity between either of us, neither of us hurt the other in any way, etc. etc.--so there was none of that kind of baggage that most people assume goes with a break up. Anyway, so even though it wasn't the ideal outcome for either of us, we obviously had no choice but to accept that the romantic part of our relationship was over, and we had to settle for being best friends, which is what we already had become anyway. It was a little harder for me to accept losing the romantic stuff than it was for her--she's better at moving on from things than I am, and she's better about disciplining her emotions than I am--but eventually I came to accept it too, and we really have been best friends, and there's no way either of us is going to throw that away.

 

You might have wondered by now, "well, if she's not allowed to have an open relationship anymore, why is she involved with some other guy now?--and if she's decided that she's going to break the rules, why is she doing it with some other guy and not with me?" Well, this was my reaction when she confessed to me on Sunday night that, under the influence of "tipsiness," (as well as loneliness and boredom) she'd kissed (and done a little more) with a guy friend of hers who she'd been hanging out with that day. This took me by surprise, and I told her how I felt somehow hurt and rejected that she broke the rules and it wasn't with me. She admitted that she had always imagined, too, that if she ever did stuff outside her marriage, it would be with me, but that this was not planned at all, that it just sort of "happened." But she also admitted that she liked it, and told me honestly that it was probably going to happen again this Sunday (i.e., today) when she saw him again. (This is how I know that this stuff is happening). She also tried to reassure me that this was not a matter of her "choosing" someone else over me; she had moved on from having romantic feelings for me because she had to (like I said, she's better at disciplining her emotions than I am), so she didn't see me anymore as someone she would or could be intimate with if she had a choice. (And I believe her 100% about this; I trust her word on everything--such is the nature of our friendship.) She was also surprised when I admitted to her that I had not quite moved on to the same degree, and that that's why I was struggling with the news. But (long story short), I had given her a legitimate reason to believe that I had "moved on" from any lingering romantic feelings, too, and that's what made her feel less weird about getting involved with someone else than she would have otherwise.

 

So, that's where things are at now, I guess. Her involvement with this new guy is a reality, though she has no idea what's going to come of it or how long it's going to last (in general, though, she's skeptical about any relationships in her life lasting long-term). And though I'm struggling with this, as jealousy of this sort is a new experience for me, I must stress again that, my lingering romantic desires notwithstanding, maintaining my friendship with her is my top priority. And I've reassured her of this, since she's a bit worried about it. I've also reassured her that I don't blame her for anything, really, that she's in a difficult situation and that, knowing myself, I would probably have done what she did, too. So, again, there's no animosity involved, really. She knows I'm sad about this and understands why I'm sad about this, and she is sad that I'm sad. And she says that she wouldn't have let this happen if she'd known I would take it this way (and I believe her), even as she acknowledges that now that it's started, it's not something she feels she can or wants to stop right away. I understand and accept that, too.

 

I guess the main point I want to make from all this is that just blocking everything out and not thinking about her (or him) is not as simple as it would be if we were "exes" in the usual sense. Since we're best friends, and plan on being best friends forever, I'm going to have to accept the reality that she's going to be with other people in one way or another at points during her life. And best friends are supposed to be able to talk openly about what's going on in their lives, including stuff like this. And I want to be able to talk to her about this stuff as friends would, and not have to avoid it because it makes me jealous or comfortable. I guess in a way I'm confident that I'll be able to do that; it will just take time. And this is my first major test of this kind, so I guess it's understandable that I'm not handling it very well.

 

Anyway, well, so far today I'm doing better than I thought I would. Maybe I'll feel worse as the day goes on; I don't know. I think posting about it on here has helped, and I appreciate everyone's responses. I'll be happy to clarify any details about all this, since after all it's kind of complicated and I'm sure there are aspects that are confusing.

[carhill]

You might consider reading the infidelity forum.

 

Did you ever have visualizations of her banging her husband? No matter what she said, you know she did, at some point, right? How did that make you feel when you were "with" her?

 

Just so you know, if a relationship is imbalanced or otherwise unhealthy, there's nothing "wrong" with a period of NC to regain balance and emotional neutrality. Your visualizations are evidence of this imbalance. How does your friend feel about you being sexual with a new woman? Do you see where I'm going here? If you are truly lifetime friends, then that connection will always be there, regardless of what happens short term. I believe, if she is truly your friend, she'd want health and comfort for you. Ask her

[sacg]

too the crunch....when you can stop thinking these thoughts, maybe then you can be friends.

[woolfman]

You might consider reading the infidelity forum.

 

Did you ever have visualizations of her banging her husband? No matter what she said, you know she did, at some point, right? How did that make you feel when you were "with" her?

 

That didn't really bother me when I was with her, since I knew that physical intimacy was not part of her marriage (that's why she sought it outside her marriage to begin with)--for that matter, it pretty much never was, except for the initial "whoops" that produced the baby, which is the only reason they really got married to begin with . She told me about one or two attempts at intimacy with him in the initial year or so of the marriage before she met me, but that was it. Intimacy with her husband was long in the past by the time I was with her, so it wasn't anything that ever bothered me in the least.

[WiseOne1]

Wow, me and your in the same sistuation.

Me and my ex were best friends for 5 years before we started dating, so I totally understand you.

 

With me and my ex orginally being best friends, I don't know what to do anymore, I want to kick her out of my life because of the gf part, but then its not right because she was also my best friend.

 

Your still have feelings for your ex, so thats why your hurt or feel jealous of the thought of her with another me doing.....

And I still have feelings for my ex, so thats why I hate hearing about her having a new BF.

 

I understand what carhill is saying, how would she feel if you were having sex with a new female friend. If its balanced than thats fine. But shes getting what she wants and your not getting what you want.

Shes not the one hurting you are. I would say dont be friends, but im in your sistuation so I dont really know what to say.

[woolfman]

Just so you know, if a relationship is imbalanced or otherwise unhealthy, there's nothing "wrong" with a period of NC to regain balance and emotional neutrality. Your visualizations are evidence of this imbalance. How does your friend feel about you being sexual with a new woman? Do you see where I'm going here? If you are truly lifetime friends, then that connection will always be there, regardless of what happens short term. I believe, if she is truly your friend, she'd want health and comfort for you. Ask her

 

Based on our experience last year of making the transition from the romantic relationship to just friendship, I really think our best option is to maintain contact despite the discomfort. She's really convinced that what helped was that, despite how uncomfortable and upset I was about not having her anymore, and despite how unpleasant it was for her hearing me talk about how upset I was, maintaining our regular correspondence helped us get through it and ultimately resulted in a friendship that was even stronger than it had been before.

 

I should probably also make clear that we are not "in-person" friends; the only time we've lived close together was when we were in the romantic relationship for those four months (I had moved to her area for that to happen, and moved back when it ended). So ever since I've moved back, our correspondence has consisted of basically a long weekly phone call, which this year has been supplemented with nightly instant-messaging (though that's more informal). Earlier this year she and her husband moved and happen to live much closer to me now (in the same region of the country, at least), but we still don't live close enough to see each other very often. I've visited her once so far (with the husband's permission; I even stayed in their house), and will be visiting her again next month. But at most I'll only be seeing her in-person about every three or four months. So it's basically a long-distance friendship.

 

Anyway, I suppose it would be possible to cut back on the nightly instant-messaging, at least--especially maybe on the nights of days when she's been with the new guy--but there's just no way I can imagine cutting out the weekly phone call (however temporarily), and she can't imagine it either--she's insisted, in fact, that no matter what else happens, we maintain that. I agree, because, as I said above, I think that weekly phone call is what helped us as much as anything in moving on from the "breakup." Part of the reason is that neither of us has any other close friends, really (I should add that we both have pretty severe social problems; in fact we met in an online social anxiety support forum), and we both have a history of falling out of touch with people and allowing friendships to disappear. My point is that this friendship is not a luxury, and neither of us can afford to dispense of the regular correspondence (again, even if just temporarily). Whatever might be gained by a period of NC is not, in my mind, as great as what might be risked by it. We both feel very strongly about that, and after all, again, maintaining regular contact has proven to work for us before.

[woolfman]

You might consider reading the infidelity forum.

 

Thanks for the suggestion; I'll take a look.

[carhill]

Thanks for the additional information. As always, things are more complex than the seem at first blush

 

Are you in therapy for your anxiety disorder? On medication? I ask because these factors have bearing upon the impact of your issues with your friend, IMO.

 

Without a t/j, I can relate that I have a very sensitive nervous system and have dealt with such issues for most of my life. I was also "in love" with a "friend" for many years. The combination of therapy and a period of NC (recently) has changed that perspective and I can now have contact with her and enjoy her successes in life and romance in an open and honest way, as a friend should. That path was not easy or painless, but, for me, it had to exist in the vacuum of no contact and therapy. Your path is your own. I hope what you read here at LS will help

[rod_in_gtown]

AH yes... I remember how that felt when I found out that my ex had been seeing some other guy. fortunately for me, she posted a picture of the two of them together on her facebook page and he was very homely. Also one of my closest frineds, took the picture and made a diarama with the picture pointing out all of his poor physical attributes...

 

It made me laugh like I hadn't laughed in a while. I have no Idea what I saw in that woman... I love my friends.

[woolfman]

Thanks for the additional information. As always, things are more complex than the seem at first blush

 

Are you in therapy for your anxiety disorder? On medication? I ask because these factors have bearing upon the impact of your issues with your friend, IMO.

 

Without a t/j, I can relate that I have a very sensitive nervous system and have dealt with such issues for most of my life. I was also "in love" with a "friend" for many years. The combination of therapy and a period of NC (recently) has changed that perspective and I can now have contact with her and enjoy her successes in life and romance in an open and honest way, as a friend should. That path was not easy or painless, but, for me, it had to exist in the vacuum of no contact and therapy. Your path is your own. I hope what you read here at LS will help

 

Thanks for advice and the encouragement. NC probably is not going to work for me in my situation, although therapy would always be helpful. I have briefly been in therapy and on medication for my depression and anxiety in the past, although I'm not at the moment (that's a whole other issue that I'm not going to go into here, though). What seemed to help us the most last year in making the transition from romance to friendship was the combination of maintaing contact (as I discussed) and me being on a successful antidepressant (which I was able to get for free by participating in a clinical study). She's on an antidepressant herself and has found it very helpful, and she's understandably kind of upset at me for not being on one myself (but again, I'd rather not go into that whole issue here).

 

Anyway, I appreciate your serious, thoughtful responses to my situation, and thanks for helping me feel welcome here. I'm actually making it through today much better than I thought I would. I've been kind of wound up, but not too depressed, really. It's helped enormously to be able to share my problems with other people (complete strangers though they may be), especially since I don't really have any other close friends with whom I'd feel comfortable talking about these things.

[almost famous]

Lots of people in affairs tell the OM/OW that there is no sexual intimacy in their relationship, when there really is. They do it so you won't feel guilty about sleeping with a married person.

[almost famous]

AH yes... I remember how that felt when I found out that my ex had been seeing some other guy. fortunately for me, she posted a picture of the two of them together on her facebook page and he was very homely. Also one of my closest frineds, took the picture and made a diarama with the picture pointing out all of his poor physical attributes...

 

It made me laugh like I hadn't laughed in a while. I have no Idea what I saw in that woman... I love my friends.

 

That doesn't say a lot of good stuff for you, though. His inner qualities shone a lot brighter than yours, and that's what's important.

[CaliGuy]

I will tell you this. It may hurt now but eventually you'll get over it. There's nothing you can do about it. It's completely out of your hands -- out of your control. You're wasting emotional energy on things that you simply don't have any power over.

 

The best thing you can do is let to go. The sooner you do, the sooner you will heal and move on with your life.

[CaliGuy]

AH yes... I remember how that felt when I found out that my ex had been seeing some other guy. fortunately for me, she posted a picture of the two of them together on her facebook page and he was very homely. Also one of my closest frineds, took the picture and made a diarama with the picture pointing out all of his poor physical attributes...

 

It made me laugh like I hadn't laughed in a while. I have no Idea what I saw in that woman... I love my friends.

 

Yeah, lol. Ok well, my ex's fiance is very unattractive but hey, if that's what she wants, lol! She's the one who has to wake up next to that ugly mug every morning, not me

[audrey_1]

carhill, some wise'ish words, but Im 39, i'd say pretty grown up and adult, and I feel the same. I also think it can help, help to face the reality.

 

Your lucky to be so grounded my friend.

 

I agree. I look forward to reading your words, Carhill, in hopes they will bring me out of my emotionally-heightened fog, much like where I am right now.

[audrey_1]

And on topic, my casual LDR person came to visit me today, and actually had a hickey on his neck that he tried to chalk up to a tumble he took hiking before he came clean after about 20 minutes of silence from me. We're not in a relationship, so it's not really my business, but evidence that he's out there, and doing STUFF with others. Just wow. I didn't ask for details, because it wasn't my place. It hurt anyway.