Should I Pretend I Don't Care (When I Do)?

[Bob54]

Greetings, all...I'm new here and guess I'm kind of in the minority, as I see that men don't post in this forum very often. But I hope some of you ladies can help me - your POV is needed!

 

I am 54 yrs old, married for almost 15 years to a woman who I've known since high school. She was always more like a sister to me than a lover, but when I was going thru a rough divorce from my 1st wife many years ago, our friendship went beyond that and I wound up getting her pregnant. We are both Catholic and don't believe in abortion, so of course I married her...knowing she wasn't the right person for me. Actually, I was so hesitant I waited until she was 6 months pregnant for the wedding!

 

Please don't get me wrong... i Care for my wife and I love our children, and I've been fulfilling my duties as a husband and father all these years without complaint. Never cheated until...

 

I met this incredible woman about 5 months ago. I'm a little too old to believe in love at first sight (or so I thought), but I knew the moment I looked at her she was the one I want to marry and live happily ever after with. Funny, I wondered all my adult life if I'd ever meet "the one", decided I probably wouldn't, and resigned to accept my lot in life. Then, when I was least prepared and least expected to meet her, the woman of my dreams walks through the door.

 

They say the only known cure for being with the wrong person is meeting the RIGHT person, and that's what happened here.

 

We had instant chemistry, mutual attraction, deep intellectual connection, and things progressed very quickly with this woman (although not to the point of sexual intimacy). She is 15 yrs. younger than me, divorced, no kids. She has been single again for 2 years, she is obviously ready to try again after a long dry spell. But she has told me recently that she can't alow herself to get involved w/ a married man, she feels guilty already about the time I spend with her, time I should be giving to my wife and kids. I feel guilty too, but the pull towards her is just too strong.

 

We both realize we're headed down a dangerous road here...and we're both fighting this attraction. But one night recently, we were alone together, kissing, touching, exploring...and came really, really close to having sex. She wisely stopped the action and said, "this is wrong."

 

A few days later, she told me that although she wants me and wishes I were single, she can't let herself get drawn into an affair with a MM. She respects herself, and my wife/kids, and I respect her even more for that.

 

She told me that she wanted to keep me in her life because we've already shared so much, have a wonderful connection, and have built a great friendship. She says that I'm already her best friend, but hopes that we can limit our interaction to that only. Platonic love as friends only.

 

I know she is coming from a loving place here - basically, she says that it is entirely possibble to love someone w/o romance...and that the most loving thing she can do for me is not to complicate my life (and hers) with an affair. She says she is capable of loving me platonically, although I'm not sure if I believe her. I know that my feelings are probably too strong to just be her friend.

 

Not sure if I can do this friendship thing, but I don't want to lose her from my life completely, so this is the only choice I'm being given...in my heart, I know she is doing the right/honorable thing.

 

So I guess my only option now is to go back to my loveless marriage, focus on spending more time w/ my kids, and try to forget her. I told her I didn't know how I was going to do that, but we agreed to try a month of NC. It was the hardest thing I've ever gone through...and even after 30 days, I found that she never left my thoughts and the feeling didn't go away or even lessen. The 30 days of NC only made me long for her more.

 

So now the 30 days is up and we're starting over as friends only. No more flirting, no time alone together, no more meals together, no long phone calls. We keep our texts limited to about once/twice a week, only about topical or friendly stuff...nothing too deep. We're trying to establish new boundary lines & stick to them. But oh, God, it's tough for both of us!

 

So I'm now thinking that this isn't going to work, that it isn't fair to either of us to pretend to be only friends when we both want more. But neither of us wants to lose the other from our lives. That's the problem.

 

I can't be near her without wanting to hold her. I can't hear her voice on the phone or even get a text from her without my solar plexus doing backflips. I can't sleep at night for thinking of her. She is inside me somehow and I can't get her out of my head...and believe me, those thoughts have nothing to do with platonic friendship!

 

So, what should I do? I'm thinking about just trying to act like I don't care for her at all, or acting mean just to drive her away. I don't seem to be able to muster the courage to tell her that I can't be her friend, that the feeling is too strong, to confess how I really feel...and it would be an exercise in futility anyway. She knows I'm married and that my situation is unlikely to change until my kids get older. I don't want to hurt her feelings, and it hurts like hell to deny my feelings...I'm 54 and realize this might be my last chance at real love before I get too old...and yet it would be selfish of me to drag this woman into an affair.

 

I have confided in one of my brothers about this and also my priest - and they both give me the Catholic moral argument, of course. They tell me to leave this woman alone, no matter what it takes, no friendship, just drop her like a hot potato & RUN...might be good advice, but that is a lot easier said than done! They don't understand, so I came here hoping that some of you will...you've been there before, right?

 

Do you think the advice they are giving me is solid? Should I just disappear from this woman's life, not give an explanation? I know this will hurt her b/c we've gotten so close, and I never want to hurt her.

 

They are telling me the only way is to make a clean break, even if I have to pretend I don't care for her. They tell me to stop talking to her, stop seeing her, do't answer her calls, don't respond to texts, just vanish.

 

This seems awfully cold, but I can see the logic in it, I guess. Have any of you ever had to resort to this method to forget someone? Did it work? Was the pain you felt and caused worth it?

 

Any advice is appreciated. Sorry this post was long. I just need help!

[jj33]

Oh my Bob. This really strikes a chord with me.

 

The man that I was involved with was your age felt the same way about his marriage in that it was a sibling type of love and he married because it was the right thing to do and never expected to find real love. In more recent years he and his W have compensated by having affairs and tending to the obligations of the marriage, keeping the "institution" for the family and the greater good so to speak.

 

He like you didnt want to leave. He has been married for so more than twice as long as you have and despite the fact that there is no intimacy the thought of leaving is inconcievable to them.

 

First of all your marriage is not the only place you have to go. You dont leave a marriage for someone else. You leave for you. If you are that unhappy you need to take a good long look at your marriage. This woman is not a taxi. She is not the escort out of a bad marriage. If you want out get out. This is not about her.

 

 

Second, if you cant just be her friend. The kind thing to do is to tell her that rather than to "just disappear". Explain to her that you dont think you can be her friend because of your feelings for her.

 

Third, it is good that you see that you have nothing to offer her as a lover. Its selfish. It suits your needs ,you get to stay in the marriage, you get to have your life and she gets what? to see you when you have a little bit of free time? Being an OW is not fun for most people. Its nice to have time with the person you care about but its not a good situation. And do you want to be in a position where you are lying to your wife and family.

 

Absent very special circumstances, affairs hurt everyone involved. Dont go down that road.

 

Focus on your marriage and whether you want to stay in it or leave. Think hard.

 

Real love does exist. Do you want to be 70 and look back and say I missed out? Not specifically on OW but on the chance of having a life with real love in it? Talk to your W. What do you both want for your futures? Its almost certain that she too is missing having real love and intimacy in her life as well.

 

Good luck.

[bentnotbroken]

I am not Catholic, but I do agree that if you are going to remain married, you need to leave this woman alone. You have already cheated on your family by being alone, kissing, getting intimate. If you feel this woman is for you, go to your wife, tell her your feelings, then do the decent thing and divorce.

 

I do know that the Catholic faith frowns on divorce, but God frowns in adultery. If you are in conflict, now is the time to practice your faith and pray for the answer. The woman showed class, grace and dignity, it's time you do the same.

[jj33]

I am not Catholic, but I do agree that if you are going to remain married, you need to leave this woman alone. You have already cheated on your family by being alone, kissing, getting intimate. If you feel this woman is for you, go to your wife, tell her your feelings, then do the decent thing and divorce.

 

I do know that the Catholic faith frowns on divorce, but God frowns in adultery. If you are in conflict, now is the time to practice your faith and pray for the answer. The woman showed class, grace and dignity, it's time you do the same.

 

Great post BNB. Why is adultery more acceptable under the eyes of God than divorce. Im quite sure its not.

[LadyDi]

Religion always complicates things. Life is too short to be unhappy. Tell your W, divorce and be with the woman you want to be with. People do survive, kids, xW's and extended family......it happens. Follow your heart.

[phoenixrising]

Bob - I was the OW in a strikingly similar situation to yours... it's heartbreaking.

 

I know you feel you are doing the right thing by maintaining the family institution... and if this is your choice, I feel you should tell your OW the full truth - that though you have these incredible feelings for her, you have made the choice to stay in (and respect) your marriage, and for that reason you cannot stay in contact with her.

 

In my 4-yr relationship with xMM we tried everything... platonic, phone only, e-mail only, not talking too intimately, etc. But trust me it's only a matter of time before you cross the line if she's "the one". The feelings are so, so powerful, and the more you grow close to the OW the more distance you will feel from your wife.

 

From the OW point of view - what an emotionally heartbreaking, bittersweet, and sad situation. I've lived it - and my recommendation for EVERYONE involved - your wife, kids, other woman, yourself - is to end contact with the OW. Tell her why, of course. If you can't give her anything but an affair - even one without physical intimacy - and if she loves you in the same way - you will hurt her beyond belief by trying to give her part of you while the other part is in a marriage.

 

Even if the OW understands your choice, it is painful to watch the man you love - and professes to love you - go home to the bed of another woman. It doesn't matter that the W is more like a friend. It matters that you can't possibly give OW what she needs. She needs to be emotionally free to be able to find someone who can. And she probably has no idea how much this will affect her ability to enter a new relationship with someone in the future.

 

I urge you to reevaluate your marriage, make a firm decision about staying as a live-in father to your family, or end your marriage. Unless you do this, you will live in a constant state of confusion that is no good for anyone involved.

[wildsoul]

Pretending you don't care is terrible advice. Any kind of pretending isn't going to work.

 

Pretending like you don't care so that she'll feel a loss of hope and move on is hurtful and might not work anyways. It might inspire her to win you back. It might also leave you feeling guilty enough that you'll be motivated to soothe the feelings you hurt. Messy. Messy.

 

Pretending like you can keep it platonic isn't going to work either. Once the romantic feelings are there (and you've already crossed the lines of emotional/physical intimacy) there's no way to put that cat back in the bag. I don't think that's at all realistic. Your woman is in denial if she thinks she can do that. Be smart enough for both of you and go NC.

 

The solution to me would be honesty:

• You are at a time in your life when the idea of a new romance is very appealing.
  
• She triggers those romantic/sexual feelings.
  
• The reality is that you are NOT leaving your marriage.
  
• She needs to go NC so she can find a suitable man (and not hold a torch and wait for you, as women often do.)
  
• You need to go NC so you can sort out your marriage and family (grateful for the wakeup call.)
  

When breaking it off, I do think it's important that you tell her that your feelings make it impossible to be platonic friends without overemphasizing those feelings. Be very careful of constructing a Romeo & Juliet story between you. Inwardly, you may feel that way, but be careful about unloading a bunch of "you are my soulmate," or "I wish I'd married you," type of stuff on her when you end it. Any declarations like that will make it MUCH harder for both of you to walk away.

 

Pretending that you're breaking it off, while expressing deep romantic love and putting out hooks for the future won't work either.

 

The nobelest thing is to end it cleanly.

[norajane]

You have very little to offer her while you are married. If you care for her as much as you say, then you would want to do what is best for her. And being involved with a married man is hardly the best thing for her in the present or future. So yes, you need to place "affair" in the no-way column and consider her (and any other woman) off-limits since you are married.

 

As to what to do about it, I'm SHOCKED that you would consider being mean to her, pretending anything, or dropping off the face of the earth. SHE was considerate enough to be honest with you and communicate in depth with you about not having an affair, and needing to change your relationship and limit it to friendship.

 

YOU should do her the same courtesy and be honest about not being able to handle a friendship with her because of your current feelings, and be honest in saying that you cannot be friends now. Perhaps in the distant future when you aren't so fired up about her, you can try to be friends, but certainly not now when you're so obsessed.

 

Be as honest with her as she has been with you.

[phoenixrising]

I agree totally with Wildsoul... "Pretending that you're breaking it off, while expressing deep romantic love and putting out hooks for the future won't work either."

My xMM handled it this way... he would express deep feelings for me, fantasize about what it would have been like had we met years ago, and talk about the future as if it were a possibility... and going back and forth and back and forth about staying in his marriage. He always left out those hooks for the future, which really confused me... and gave me so much false hope that I simply couldn't move on.

 

Let her go. She sounds like a wonderful woman who deserves a man who can share her life as a true partner. You have some soul searching to do to determine how you want to live the rest of your life. But while you are figuring this out, let her go.

 

My heart aches for you both. The answers will come for you, I think, but only if the OW is not in your life.

[81West]

Bob,

 

I was the OW in a similar situation, and the MM elected to wordlessly vanish about 15 months in. His decision to end our relationshp in that way remains a devastating emotional force in my life nearly two years later. I'm a strong, proud person, and have done everything right in terms of recovering from a lost relationship, but the crushing bewiderment and emotional violence of that silent abandonment has been slow to fade.

 

End all contact with her if ending your marriage is not an option, but tell her clearly what you are doing and why you are doing it. Don't leave any doors open, even a crack. Invite her to share her own goodbye and regrets with you as a final communication, and then end it there.

[westrock]

They say the only known cure for being with the wrong person is meeting the RIGHT person, and that's what happened here.

 

Bob, some tough questions for you....

 

How do you really know your wife is the wrong person for you? You need to think about that before doing anything else.

 

Similarly, how do you really know that this new woman is "the one" for you?

 

Sadly, I notice there is very little mention of your wife in your original post. Tell us what are some of the good qualities about your wife and also what have you done to work on the relationship.

[whichwayisup]

You need to make a choice. Stay married, go to marriage counselling, try to reconnect with your wife and bring some romance into your life WITH your wife - Or divorce. It isn't fair to your wife, nor is it fair to the OW. The OW is putting HER life on hold, for you. Even if she isn't saying that, she is.

 

It's impossible to keep a friendship with her because of the feelings involved, eventually you'll end up in bed again or come close.. It'll be an emotional affair, keeping her in your life.

 

Go no contact with the OW, end it. IF you cannot do that, then you have to divorce your wife. Deal with the fallout there..Who knows, maybe your wife is just as unhappy in the marriage as you, maybe she feels like she's settled as well. Talk to her and figure it out..

[torranceshipman]

You have a very, very simple choice:

 

a) respectfully tell the OW that you have decided to stay in your M, thus you and her can have no contact anymore. Then STICK to it. Make your marriage as good as it can be.

 

or

 

b) leave your W and be with the OW. If you know she is the love of your life, take action and be with her. Don't live a life of regret.

 

I know these things are both hard to do but you NEED to make a strong decision one way or the other-no flip flopping. The OW will be hurting like hell right now as every little loving thing you do gives her hope-if you know you wont leave, do choice a) immediately and don't drag out the decision. Sure its hard but you need to make a choice and do it soon so you dont make anyone elses life a misery via your own indecision. If you decide to stay 100% commit to it.

 

For what its worth, I think your feelings are very natural and absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, but your reaction to the situation is what will show the depth of your character. You sound like a nice person from the post you've written (notthat I can tell a lot from a post, lol!)-the only hint of negativity I got, is that your hinting that the A is omehow out of both or your control in the sense that you 'try to just be friends but cant'. Thats bull-of course you can do it-dont EVER use that as an excuse. Its temptation of course but remove the temptation by removing the OW from the situation if you have to. Or leave...

 

Good luck!

[bentnotbroken]

Religion always complicates things. Life is too short to be unhappy. Tell your W, divorce and be with the woman you want to be with. People do survive, kids, xW's and extended family......it happens. Follow your heart.

 

 

Religion only complicates things if you don't follow your belief system. If you have a moral code follow it. Simple.

[LostGirl811]

Greetings, all...I'm new here and guess I'm kind of in the minority, as I see that men don't post in this forum very often. But I hope some of you ladies can help me - your POV is needed!

 

I am 54 yrs old, married for almost 15 years to a woman who I've known since high school. She was always more like a sister to me than a lover, but when I was going thru a rough divorce from my 1st wife many years ago, our friendship went beyond that and I wound up getting her pregnant. We are both Catholic and don't believe in abortion, so of course I married her...knowing she wasn't the right person for me. Actually, I was so hesitant I waited until she was 6 months pregnant for the wedding!

 

Please don't get me wrong... i Care for my wife and I love our children, and I've been fulfilling my duties as a husband and father all these years without complaint. Never cheated until...

 

I met this incredible woman about 5 months ago. I'm a little too old to believe in love at first sight (or so I thought), but I knew the moment I looked at her she was the one I want to marry and live happily ever after with. Funny, I wondered all my adult life if I'd ever meet "the one", decided I probably wouldn't, and resigned to accept my lot in life. Then, when I was least prepared and least expected to meet her, the woman of my dreams walks through the door.

 

They say the only known cure for being with the wrong person is meeting the RIGHT person, and that's what happened here.

 

We had instant chemistry, mutual attraction, deep intellectual connection, and things progressed very quickly with this woman (although not to the point of sexual intimacy). She is 15 yrs. younger than me, divorced, no kids. She has been single again for 2 years, she is obviously ready to try again after a long dry spell. But she has told me recently that she can't alow herself to get involved w/ a married man, she feels guilty already about the time I spend with her, time I should be giving to my wife and kids. I feel guilty too, but the pull towards her is just too strong.

 

We both realize we're headed down a dangerous road here...and we're both fighting this attraction. But one night recently, we were alone together, kissing, touching, exploring...and came really, really close to having sex. She wisely stopped the action and said, "this is wrong."

 

A few days later, she told me that although she wants me and wishes I were single, she can't let herself get drawn into an affair with a MM. She respects herself, and my wife/kids, and I respect her even more for that.

 

She told me that she wanted to keep me in her life because we've already shared so much, have a wonderful connection, and have built a great friendship. She says that I'm already her best friend, but hopes that we can limit our interaction to that only. Platonic love as friends only.

 

I know she is coming from a loving place here - basically, she says that it is entirely possibble to love someone w/o romance...and that the most loving thing she can do for me is not to complicate my life (and hers) with an affair. She says she is capable of loving me platonically, although I'm not sure if I believe her. I know that my feelings are probably too strong to just be her friend.

 

Not sure if I can do this friendship thing, but I don't want to lose her from my life completely, so this is the only choice I'm being given...in my heart, I know she is doing the right/honorable thing.

 

So I guess my only option now is to go back to my loveless marriage, focus on spending more time w/ my kids, and try to forget her. I told her I didn't know how I was going to do that, but we agreed to try a month of NC. It was the hardest thing I've ever gone through...and even after 30 days, I found that she never left my thoughts and the feeling didn't go away or even lessen. The 30 days of NC only made me long for her more.

 

So now the 30 days is up and we're starting over as friends only. No more flirting, no time alone together, no more meals together, no long phone calls. We keep our texts limited to about once/twice a week, only about topical or friendly stuff...nothing too deep. We're trying to establish new boundary lines & stick to them. But oh, God, it's tough for both of us!

 

So I'm now thinking that this isn't going to work, that it isn't fair to either of us to pretend to be only friends when we both want more. But neither of us wants to lose the other from our lives. That's the problem.

 

I can't be near her without wanting to hold her. I can't hear her voice on the phone or even get a text from her without my solar plexus doing backflips. I can't sleep at night for thinking of her. She is inside me somehow and I can't get her out of my head...and believe me, those thoughts have nothing to do with platonic friendship!

 

So, what should I do? I'm thinking about just trying to act like I don't care for her at all, or acting mean just to drive her away. I don't seem to be able to muster the courage to tell her that I can't be her friend, that the feeling is too strong, to confess how I really feel...and it would be an exercise in futility anyway. She knows I'm married and that my situation is unlikely to change until my kids get older. I don't want to hurt her feelings, and it hurts like hell to deny my feelings...I'm 54 and realize this might be my last chance at real love before I get too old...and yet it would be selfish of me to drag this woman into an affair.

 

I have confided in one of my brothers about this and also my priest - and they both give me the Catholic moral argument, of course. They tell me to leave this woman alone, no matter what it takes, no friendship, just drop her like a hot potato & RUN...might be good advice, but that is a lot easier said than done! They don't understand, so I came here hoping that some of you will...you've been there before, right?

 

Do you think the advice they are giving me is solid? Should I just disappear from this woman's life, not give an explanation? I know this will hurt her b/c we've gotten so close, and I never want to hurt her.

 

They are telling me the only way is to make a clean break, even if I have to pretend I don't care for her. They tell me to stop talking to her, stop seeing her, do't answer her calls, don't respond to texts, just vanish.

 

This seems awfully cold, but I can see the logic in it, I guess. Have any of you ever had to resort to this method to forget someone? Did it work? Was the pain you felt and caused worth it?

 

Any advice is appreciated. Sorry this post was long. I just need help!

 

Hi Bob

 

This is a complicated (and I say complicated, because matters of the heart can never be simple), but it is a complicated situation with a fairly simple answer.

 

If you are certain that you will not leave your marriage so long as your kids are young, then let this poor woman be free of you. You're torturing her, and you're torturing yourself.

 

I have an MM, and Im still very young at 26, and he is quite young at only 34, but I started this A with him when i was only 22 AND HE WAS 29!!!! He's got three small kids (had one when we first met) and though he's not said it outright ,Im pretty sure he ain't going nowhere while they're still kids, and I most certainly can't wait another bloody 20 years until the youngest one grows up. At the same time, I am just presently incapable of telling him we need to go NC. So basically, its either until he ends it, or until I find someone else I like and that will prompt me to end it with MM. I don't feel that I can end it on my own.

 

do her a favour and leave her alone, if you aren't planning to end your marriage, and give her a chance to find someone else. Morals be dammed for a minute, because let's be honest, people can preach about morality and all that bull all they want, but at the end of the day most people find it very hard to resist temptation when it's in their face everyday and eventually they DO give in. Forget morals of infidelity, because it's almost a moot point. At the risk of starting a morality debate, the morality issue is really for appearance purposes. Emotion overrides morality, whether people like it or not, its human nature. If you care about this OW at all, then let her go. Cut off contact, tell her you can never give her the attention and love she deserves, and that you hope she finds someone who CAN give it to her. if she's 15 years younger than you, then she's only 39 . I don't know if she wants kids, but she's pushing the envelope to have them biologically speaking (speaking from a healthcare POV, its must harder and more dangerous to have kids as a woman post-40), and she isn't going to have them with you, so just LET HER GO.

 

You can't have your cake and eat it too, much as I hate that expression. In the same way that you are afraid that you are getting too old to find true love, my MM I think probably thinks he's still young enough to hang onto this situation as it is and accept the true love aspect later, but in any event it's all bloody confusing bulls**t.

 

You have to distinct options, both with confusing sub-categories to be worked on, but the two main options are clear, so just pick one dammit and that is it:

 

1) get a divorce, and be with your OW and commit to her, NOW. Not in 20 years, not in 10 years, not in 5 years. In the next year, if you cannot do it, then don't bother.

 

2) Tell her you can never give her what she needs, don't string her along with proclamations of love, just LET HER GO. Stop being a selfish bastard and let her find someone who will love her like a human being deserves to be loved without the torture that is inevitable in all affairs.

 

good luck

[stillafool]

I think since you only CARE for your wife and are in love with this OW, you should tell your wife the truth about what you are doing and have done. Come clean with her. You will not leave the OW alone as you have been advised and will get caught. If you truly love the OW and not your wife it is only fair to leave your wife and give her a chance to meet someone who can love her back. It is not a fair to continue to treat your wife this way. So man up and tell the truth. This is the first step to being with your other woman.

[Bob54]

First, I just want to thank you for the great advice, all.Somehow I knew this would be the right message board to find the insight I need.

 

I have been trying to be more attentive to my wife (although there honestly wasn't much spark there to begin with - for either of us) lately. Maybe its just classic Catholic guilt, but I know my guilt about this OW is making me overcompensate at home, and I'm sure my wife senses why. Recently, I agreed to let her build the dream house she has always wanted and talked about (she's an architect), so yes, you could say that is an investment in our future - but I have to be honest here - I do ask myself if I did this for the wrong reasons, if I am somewhere thinking in the back of my mind that if I divorce her, at least she will have this wonderful home she's always wanted to live in for the rest of her life. A parting gift that would make me feel good knowing she will be well-provided for.

 

So as you can see, some part of me is already projecting forward and considering the possibility of divorce. Yes, I should do it for me, not for the OW, but of course I know the hope of a future with her is what is motivating me to even think of a divorce after 15 years and 3 kids.

 

I know my wife has had an affair or two during our marriage - the flings are usually short and don't involve an emotional connection...er, as far as I know. But I always understood her reasons for having an affair and secretly kind of wished I had the ...(whatever: courage? cajones?) to do the same.

 

I take my faith very seriously, go to mass daily, and have been praying the rosary every day and asking for guidance, and it's all very confusing right now because thoughts of being with this OW keep getting stronger and stronger. So am I obsessing, or is God trying to show me something?

 

And I've been getting conflicting advice - my church & family members tell me to drop this OW in an unkind way, and that's just not my style. So I came here and your advice has been far more along the lines of what i'm thinking. Everyone here seems to agree (so far) that it's better to tell her why our contact must end. To be kind but firm. And then somehow, stick to it. That's going to be the hardest part, because I enjoy our talks and her company so much.

 

If I weren't so attracted to her, I would love to have her as a friend. She's probably be the best friend I ever will have, and I know that's why she is offering friendship and making an effort to make it work - because she genuinely likes me and wants me in her world. Maybe in the future that can happen. But right now I cannot look at her without having romantic/sexual thoughts, and until I conquer that and master my own urges (awakened after a long period of dormancy), I know it would be impossible to spend time with her, alone, without wanting to kiss her.

 

In my confusion, I'm avoiding all contact with her because I'm afraid I might say something stupid I might later regret! LOL. She sent me 3 friendly texts yesterday and I didn't reply to any of them, which is unusual for me. So I'm sure she must be wondering if I've lost my mind or been abducted by aliens. I need to get this figured out quickly, as I don't want to leave her hanging wondering, "WTH?"

 

Well, thanks for letting me vent here, and while I work through this, I will keep checking this thread and will let you know how this turns out.

 

Thanks, everybody at the Love Shack!

 

Bob

[Owl]

If you take your faith as seriously as you CLAIM...then dropping her like a hot potato IS "your style"...or it darn well should be.

 

Here's the thing...the ONLY reason you're fighting what everyone tells you is because its not what you WANT to do.

 

If this were happening to someone else...you'd be giving the same advice that they're all giving you.

 

You know full well its when you start letting your WANTS get in front of your SHOULDS that you're doing the wrong thing.

 

This ISN'T complicated. This is SIMPLE.

 

The problem is...you don't like the idea of doing what you SHOULD do, and you're looking for justifications and rationalizations to do what you WANT to do.

 

That might explain why you posted asking for advice on an "Other Woman/Other Man" forum, rather than on an "infidelity" or "marriage building" one.

 

Can you see what you're doing here???????

 

This isn't rocket science.

[2sunny]

there really is so much i would like to respond with - but i'll keep it simple.

 

IF you cut off contact with OW at least have the decency to allow her to understand that you intend to build your marriage.

 

IF you stay with your wife at least have the decency to explain to her (W) what has happened. she deserves an explanation of why you are emotionally absent. deserves the ability of knowing what happened and what needs to be done to fix it - or if SHE chooses - leave you. work needs to be done together if you stay with her and she should be allowed the info needed to work together.

 

you are using your religion and faith as a crutch... change your perspective and draw strength from your belief system.

 

you married this woman and had no reason to leave her for 15 years until temptation came along... now all of a sudden it is convenient to find fault in your M and your W? at least have the decency to try with your W and give her a fair shot with all the facts in hand. tell her the truth. she will either want to work to make it better or she will want to leave.

 

character is shown in a person when things get tough... this is what we call tough. what will your decision and actions tell about your core value system and character?

[whichwayisup]

at least she will have this wonderful home she's always wanted to live in for the rest of her life. A parting gift that would make me feel good knowing she will be well-provided for.

 

It wouldn't be a gift at all! Know why? Because she's building this house for your future with her. She is expecting you to be in the house with her..She's building it in a mindset which includes you.

[LostGirl811]

there really is so much i would like to respond with - but i'll keep it simple.

 

IF you cut off contact with OW at least have the decency to allow her to understand that you intend to build your marriage.

 

Agreed on that. Let the OW know why you can't do it. But if you're going to end it, then end it. Don't do it half-assed and still be friendly. Friendly doesn't work when there is an intense attraction, sorry.

 

IF you stay with your wife at least have the decency to explain to her (W) what has happened. she deserves an explanation of why you are emotionally absent. deserves the ability of knowing what happened and what needs to be done to fix it - or if SHE chooses - leave you. work needs to be done together if you stay with her and she should be allowed the info needed to work together.

 

You should tell the W why you are unhappy in the marriage. You should NOT tell her about an A of any kind if you really want to salvage your M. All it does is assuage YOUR guilt. It doesn't make her feel any better. It makes her feel like s**t. Tell her what is bothering you in the marriage if you want and work on those things. Get a marriage counselor. Preferably one that is not based on relgion so that you can focus on the marital issues at hand and what is missing between you two as a couple, and not the morality of staying together with respect to religion. Obviously, religion alone is not enough to keep you happy in this M, now is it. Use it as a tool to keep faith in the M, but don't base staying in the M just because of it.

 

 

 

you married this woman and had no reason to leave her for 15 years until temptation came along... now all of a sudden it is convenient to find fault in your M and your W? at least have the decency to try with your W and give her a fair shot with all the facts in hand. tell her the truth. she will either want to work to make it better or she will want to leave.

 

He had lots of reason to leave her for 15 years, he's already said he's never felt romantically inclined towards her and married her out of obligation when he got her pregnant. He just never met anyone before that made him feel as if he COULD be so romatnically inclined towards someone. If I've read correctly, he's been missing it all along...he just didn't think he'd ever find it. Now he has found that spark and he doesn't want to let it go. From what I read, to be honest, I dont think his W seems that into him either. Didn't he say she'd had A's in the M before? She's not an innocent party here, now is she. People deal with things they aren't happy with for years, that doesn't mean that dissatisfaction doesn't exist all those years. They just let it build up and build up. Obligation is a terrible reason to get married, and an even worse one to stay married.

[whichwayisup]

and I'm sure my wife senses why.

 

Your wife isn't stupid. I'm sure her gut is SCREAMING that something is off with you.. The red flags are flipping in the wind - And it's only a matter of time before she figures out you're cheating on her. I just hope IF she asks you what is going on, you have the balls to tell her the truth..This way SHE can decide if she wants to stay married to you. Right now, you're calling the shots and that's not fair because marriage IS a partnership.

[2sunny]

i also want to point out that he married his wife as an obligation because she got pregnant.

 

THEN, you had more kids with her. yes, YOU made a conscious decision to have more children through the years with the woman you married.

 

must have been some good reason to stay in the marriage for all those years and to continue to grow the family. if you thought it was a mistake all along - you wouldn't have had more children (vasectomy) and you would have been divorced sooner. have you EVER TRUTHFULLY told your W how you view your marriage and the emotional deficit between you two?

 

this is just now a convenient way for you to justify in your mind an attraction since it is now staring you in the face.

 

there wasn't enough temptation before to question leaving.. but all of a sudden she's not perfect and your recognizing it? come on... be honest with yourself for the selfish mindset that you find yourself holding right now.

[Owl]

this is just now a convenient way for you to justify in your mind an attraction since it is now staring you in the face

 

Exactly.

 

Something to consider...

 

Its been pretty well documented that MM/MW engaged in an emotional affair go through an interesting transformation. They very commonly "re-write" their own marital history in their own minds.

 

They look back on it through "affair goggles".

 

My wife did this during her emotional affair.

 

She INSISTED that she'd "been unhappy for years!!". I couldn't see it. My kids couldn't see it. Her sister, her family, her friends couldn't see it.

 

We could all see where she'd been unhappy for about a year...but no more.

 

I pressed her for specifics...and got NOTHING. She couldn't point out any specific time/place that she'd been unhappy...or anything that she'd been unhappy about.

 

This is a common thing with WS's....they do this as a coping mechanism...its a way to mentally justify their cheating to themselves.

 

I believe that the OP is very probably doing the same thing in this case.

[Bob54]

He had lots of reason to leave her for 15 years, he's already said he's never felt romantically inclined towards her and married her out of obligation when he got her pregnant. He just never met anyone before that made him feel as if he COULD be so romatnically inclined towards someone. If I've read correctly, he's been missing it all along...he just didn't think he'd ever find it. Now he has found that spark and he doesn't want to let it go. From what I read, to be honest, I dont think his W seems that into him either. Didn't he say she'd had A's in the M before? She's not an innocent party here, now is she. People deal with things they aren't happy with for years, that doesn't mean that dissatisfaction doesn't exist all those years. They just let it build up and build up. Obligation is a terrible reason to get married, and an even worse one to stay married.

 

Your summary is exactly what I tried to say in my previous post, although probably not as well as you just said it. Painful as it is, I'd say your take on it is spot-on: "obligation is a terrible reason to get married, and an even worse one to stay married."

 

It's also not the best reason to have more children, as another poster pointed out, but our faith frowns on all kinds of birth control, and of course we are both human beings with needs to fulfill, so that's the natural order of things. BUT, our last child was born 6 years ago, sex has been very infrequent since then, due to her affairs & lack of interest in...well, having sex with me.

 

I finally did return the OW's call tonight and we chatted very briefly on the phone, I apologized for being out of touch and told her I'd call her tomorrow when I had more time to talk. It was so nice just to hear her voice, I have to tell you, I miss her already and she's not even gone. Don't know how I'm going to let her go. I want her in my life.

 

After 30+ years of looking, a guy knows when Mrs. Right walks in the door. And never is it more obvious than it is to me, for the 1st time in my life. And it just feels so hopeless, like there is nothing I can do but let that love walk right back out the door...