Should I Pretend I Don't Care (When I Do)?

[torranceshipman]

Oh for goodness sake, you know what, this is ridiculous! You're a grown man, you know what you want, so go get it.

 

The only reason you havent split with the W and gone with the OW already is because its a HARD thing to do. You clearly want to do it. Nothing really worth having comes easy, but its worth the hard times - so grow some cajones, find your backbone, face up to your responsibilities, put honesty infront of every other factor here and:

 

a) tell your W

b) be with the OW

 

Don't be selfish and keep both of them. Do it now-and you might even find the landscape of your emotions changes once all this is in the open. Honesty and doing the right thing are 100% the most important things because they are all about respecting yourself and respecting everyone else in the situation. You W is then free to work out what she wants too.

 

And you would let other people tell you to drop the OW in a horrible way? Thats nasty-dont listen to advice like that. She deserves respect as much as anyone. Those people have a seriously mean streak for wishing misery on anyone like that.

 

But whatever you do, do it now. Be HONEST and respectful when you do it. Its your weakness stopping you, thats all, so dont be a weak guy, be strong and face up to all this, and put doing the right thing before the easy option of being really selfish and keeping them both.

[jj33]

Oh for goodness sake, you know what, this is ridiculous! You're a grown man, you know what you want, so go get it.

 

The only reason you havent split with the W and gone with the OW already is because its a HARD thing to do. You clearly want to do it. Nothing really worth having comes easy, but its worth the hard times - so grow some cajones, find your backbone, face up to your responsibilities, put honesty infront of every other factor here and:

 

a) tell your W

b) be with the OW

 

Don't be selfish and keep both of them. Do it now-and you might even find the landscape of your emotions changes once all this is in the open. Honesty and doing the right thing are 100% the most important things because they are all about respecting yourself and respecting everyone else in the situation. You W is then free to work out what she wants too.

 

And you would let other people tell you to drop the OW in a horrible way? Thats nasty-dont listen to advice like that. She deserves respect as much as anyone. Those people have a seriously mean streak for wishing misery on anyone like that.

 

But whatever you do, do it now. Be HONEST and respectful when you do it. Its your weakness stopping you, thats all, so dont be a weak guy, be strong and face up to all this, and put doing the right thing before the easy option of being really selfish and keeping them both.

 

Great post. Exactly.

 

Bob. It sounds like you have drifted along your entire life being dragged by the tide of circumstance.

 

I am not saying go break up your family. But you have a decision to make. Are you going to follow your heart knowing your wife is cheating on you and use religion as a crutch or are you going to "man up" and take control of your life.

 

There is nothing particularly noble about keeping a family "intact" while everyone is miserable and cheating. It my be convenient, it may be the path of least resistance but it not the Catholics path and it is not Gods path so if you are justifying it on that basis, think again.

 

I dont mean to sound harsh. I can imagine your family will be very upset and that is a big thing. There is also the fact that you think OW is the right one for you, but what if in the cold light of day she is not... what if you get together and the relationship doesnt work out?

 

You dont sound like you are ready to leave for yourself. That being the case you may want to consider IC and really think about your options.

 

The person I was involved with is in a very similar situation in that he doesnt want to leave his life, notice I did not say W, they both go their own ways. But he feels stuck in it and he stays and he is unhappy with his lot on many levels. You can go that route if you want to, but that is a choice.

[Owl]

Actually, I would agree with Torrence and JJ...but there's something huge being left out here...

 

This man CLAIMS to be devout in his faith. He attends mass daily, etc... IF his faith is so center to his being, he's already got his answer.

 

He knows it, too.

 

Again...this is where he's fighting the conflict between his FAITH, and what he wants.

 

Which IS more important to you, Bob?

 

The issue really is that simple...not that EASY...but absolutely that simple.

[mrsT]

I think the OW is making excuses for why she doesn't want to be with you. This was a just thrill ride for her. And for you.

[whichwayisup]

BUT, our last child was born 6 years ago, sex has been very infrequent since then, due to her affairs & lack of interest in...well, having sex with me.

 

Your wife had affairs? And you know about it? Then you ought to tell her about yours.

 

The feeling is probably mutual then, you really aren't too keen on having sex with your wife either, and chances are, she knows this as well.

 

Step up to the plate, come clean and do some changes, whether it be fixing your marriage or ending it. Forget the OW for now, you need to make a choice and stick to it.

[stillafool]

Exactly! Why are you over compensating in your marriage when you want to be with the OW? Why don't you come clean to your wife about what is going on with you and OW? Especially since your W has had affairs, hardly ever gives you sex, and you aren't in love with her. What are you waiting for? Don't let her build a house until you tell her the truth.

 

Since your wife is an architect she certainly can make a living for herself. I agree with the poster who said "this is simple, it's not rocket science."

[serial muse]

I'm not sure why you're hiding behind your faith. It's so hypocritical.

 

I grew up Catholic, and I know all about what the Catholic church thinks of what's going on. Naturally your priest and your relatives are going to encourage you to toe the line.

 

But you're being a hypocrite about it, and so is your wife, it seems. She cheated. You've cheated. You aren't honoring your marriage - one of the seven sacraments. You're not cherishing each other; you're barely having sex.

 

Do you see how twisted this thinking is? You're in a muddle, and until you decide what your actual, real, true, gut-felt priority is in this situation, you're not going to get out of it, either. You're eating yourself up with guilt (not undeservedly) but floundering in guilt is not doing anyone any good here, and it's certainly not honoring either the spirit or the letter of the church's teachings, if that's the priority for you.

 

I don't see why you shouldn't tell your wife how you're feeling, considering that she apparently feels the same, from what you've said.

 

However, here's some stuff to ponder:

 

1. Is what you said about her true, though? Or was that a guess, borne out of a need for justification for your own feelings? Do you, in fact, know as a fact that your wife has had affairs, doesn't love you romantically, and in short, feels exactly about you as you do about her? Or is that just part of the need to tell yourself this is all inevitable and okay?

 

2. You said that what stopped you from engaging in a full-blown physical affair was the OW's decency. Not your fear of violating the church. Please, oh please, explain why that thought troubles you less than actually getting divorced. Please explain why you might call having an affair having "courage" or "cojones" in the same breath that you describe how you can't possibly get divorced because it's a sin.

 

I'm sure you see that it makes no sense. Of course it doesn't. And yet, deep down, that's how you really feel. So, own it. Figure out what's really motivating you to stay married. Because despite what you've said, it sure doesn't sound like it's a fear of God.

 

3. If your true concern is about doing what's right in the eyes of the church, then you already know the answer. But it seems that that isn't wholly satisfying to you. So, think about it. Be honest with yourself, if with no one else. What is the real sticking point to a divorce here? What is the real thing that holds you back?

 

I have a guess about this, which is that you're far more troubled about being potentially alone and taking a leap at mid-life, and perhaps even more significantly, upsetting your family and community, than you are about offending God. Am I near the mark? No doubt they would be upset, but please consider what you are about. As I said earlier - it's up to you to decide what your true priority is here. If you fear others' censure, and are willing to live in a mediocre relationship, with your wife periodically having affairs, merely to avoid having people look at you askance, then that's your call. But you'll have to do it right, then - don't drag the OW back into it, be upfront with her and recommit to your wife, make a conscious decision that that's what matters to you right now and stick with it.

 

And you know, as a side note, what you have is not nothing, either - you do have a loving relationship, although not the one you ideally want. But on the other hand, you haven't said whether you were really happy before, knowing that your wife was cheating. Were you okay with that? How did you really feel about things before this woman came along?

 

At any rate, the first thing is to be conscious of why you don't really want to leave - whether it's love, fear of criticism, fear of being an outcast, fear of the unknown - and accept that that's what's driving you and what you're going to have to face, one way or another. Those are not small things by any means - but they are not about God, and to say that they are is simply dodging the issue and hiding behind the altar. Your fears, I suspect, are about life here on Earth, which God knows is difficult enough to deal with. Isolate those fears and look them in the eye, and then maybe you can make a real decision about what you can live with and what you really want. Perhaps that will include risking the censure of your community for love and a new start; or perhaps you'll find, when you look clearly, bravely and honestly at yourself and your needs, that that kind of censure is something you simply cannot live with, and the community is more important. Either is okay; the important thing is to be honest with yourself about it.

 

And when you do figure it out, I strongly encourage you to have an open, honest conversation with your wife, who is in THE SAME BOAT. Figure this one out together, why don't you? You're not as alone as you think you are, if she's equally unhappy. Confide in her. She's like a sister to you, you say - treat her as someone close to you, not someone you need to escape.

[jj33]

It seems to me you are in the classic cake eater scenario. You dont want to change your life despite the obvious things that are missing.

 

Having met OW you see that it is possible to feel more. But see above - you dont want to change your life.

 

Its not an easy situation. But you do have a choice. Not an easy choice but a choice. I think the thought of changing your life at 54 and incurring the disapproval of family and community is one of the big things holding you back.

 

Especially when OW who seems perfect so far is a big unknown. You could leave and in a year find that you are on your own. And you dont sound ready for that.

 

Once you decide what you want for you, regardless of what happens with OW, I think you will be clearer.

[LostGirl811]

 

She INSISTED that she'd "been unhappy for years!!". I couldn't see it. My kids couldn't see it. Her sister, her family, her friends couldn't see it.

 

Owl,

 

No offense, but people dont always show then they are unhappy, and they don't always tell anyone. They try to keep it together so that they can look like they are happy for their family's sake, and inwardly, they aren't fully happy. That's not to say your wife was lying to you or whatever, but you can't say that just because "everyone else" says she was happy, that she's full of it. None of you were in her head, thinking her thoughts, or dealing with her emotions on a daily basis. She didnt just wake up one day and think "hey, Im unhappy today, even though I've been happy for years, , let's go have an affair!" She probably thought about it for a long time before giving in to her temptations, which means that things were not perfect for a long time. This isn't an insult to you, and is not meant to justify her actions, but to explain that it isnt as simple as you made it seem, and that you need to realize that you can't base a person's happiness on how they act to everyone else all the time....take me for instance. People think I am gregarious, outgoing, happy, fun, smart and sociable. On the inside I fell miserable, forlorn, lonely, and like I'm going through the motions every day. No one else has a clue, trust me. Well, my therapist does maybe, but that doesn't count.

 

How is it even remotely reasonable to say that everyone around a person knows better than the person themeselves how they've felt?

 

You as a BS are looking for answers and justifications in the same way that I as an OW look for answers and justifications to explain this ridiculous situation we found ourselves it. You just have to realize that they are simple on the outside, and quite complicated underneath it all, as anything emotional tends to be....

[huggybear1]

It was so nice just to hear her voice, I have to tell you, I miss her already and she's not even gone. Don't know how I'm going to let her go. I want her in my life.

 

After 30+ years of looking, a guy knows when Mrs. Right walks in the door. And never is it more obvious than it is to me, for the 1st time in my life. And it just feels so hopeless, like there is nothing I can do but let that love walk right back out the door...

 

Bob, whatever you decide, you have to tell the OW face-to-face. Why wouldn't you? Vanishing and avoiding someone is what you do to a stalker not someone you love or care about. That seems heartless and cruel, even if that's not what you meant. Personally, at 54 and under your circumstances, I would go for love. Just my 2 cents.

[LostGirl811]

Bob, whatever you decide, you have to tell the OW face-to-face. Why wouldn't you? Vanishing and avoiding someone is what you do to a stalker not someone you love or care about. That seems heartless and cruel, even if that's not what you meant. Personally, at 54 and under your circumstances, I would go for love. Just my 2 cents.

 

:::shrug:::: don't see why someone has a bigger right to leave for true love when they are 54 than at any other age younger or older. He said he's got a 6 year old, that's a relatively young child.

 

People put alot of stigma on divorces, I think. Kids can grow up perfectly normal and happy without their parents being married. And in fact, I would think that both spouses, no matter the reason for the divorce, have a much better chance of finding someone better for them when they are younger rather than older. Easier to find a new significant other at 34 than 64, right?

 

i mean, if marriage is so necessary to having a normal childhood, what about those thousands of children born out of wedlock, to parents that werent planning on being parents, and who dont end up dating after the kid is born? Are people saying that these kids are just f**ked from the get-go? Cause that seems kind of silly to me.....

 

I'm all for working on a marriage if BOTH people want to make it work. Obstacles and problems arise in any relationship, but you can still be in love with someone while wanting to rip their guts out of frustration . If you really are not in love with someone, chances are you never will be , sadly. You might grow to love them, but you'll never be IN love with them, and it is up to you to make the distinction on which one you want to live with....your children will only have to live with your decision for a few years. When they're teenagers, and then grow up and have their own lives and go to college and get jobs and etc, who do you think is left to deal with the choices you make? You and only you. Once the nest is empty you're going to spend the rest of your life under the same roof with someone you either love, or you don't.

 

The "comfortable" thing works for some people, it really does. But others need that spark with someone.

 

I do want to throw out the caution to the OP (bob) that you do have to be careful about the whole "grass is greener" mistake that some people make. When you are miserable in your M, the OW may often seem better than she ends up being. not to say that your OW isn't the right woman for you, but, if you leave your marriage it has to be for YOU, and because you are unhappy with it. If the OW becomes that missing piece at some point then that is an added bonus, but you have to be prepared for the fact that there is a chance that things dont work out between you guys either. That doesnt mean you wont find someone else, but it is a risk you take. There are inherent risks in every decision, you just need to figure out which one you're willing to take, is all...

[Bob54]

You have all given me much food for thought. And man, have I been doing a lot of (too much) thinking on this the past few days!

 

I guess my biggest fear in leaving my marriage is (in this order) 1) the discomfort and trauma this will cause in the lives of my wife and kids. My BIGGEST FEAR is losing the chance to be in my kids lives' every day. 2) the social/family upheaval and likely disapproval (I come from a VERY large tight-knit Catholic family...literally have 80+ cousins!!!!), and 3) my faith, my church, and the obvious implications of a 2nd divorce. 4) losing half of my assets.

 

These are legitimate fears, reasons to stop and really consider what I'm doing here, what the consequences will be. I know that sometimes you have to pass through a ring of fire to get to a beautiful goal at the end, but there is still a deep fear inside me about moving forward with the OW and leaving my W, and Isuppose that is only natural.

 

To make matters even more complicated, the OW and I are connected professionally and often work together on various projects (that is how we met). Thankfully we don't work for the same company, but are in the same line of work which puts us in each other's orbit frequently. So if I should decide to say goodbye to her, it will be all the more heartbreaking to have to interact with her through work. I'll still have to see her all the time (unless one of us changes jobs, that's unlikely), and we will both have to "put on a happy face" when I know we'll both be faking it.

 

So far, we're both doing pretty good at faking it with this friendship, we're willing to give it a try. You know what they say, just fake it `til ya make it? I'm trying, but...

 

Agh, this is AGONIZING!!!

[Owl]

Owl,

 

No offense, but people dont always show then they are unhappy, and they don't always tell anyone. They try to keep it together so that they can look like they are happy for their family's sake, and inwardly, they aren't fully happy. That's not to say your wife was lying to you or whatever, but you can't say that just because "everyone else" says she was happy, that she's full of it. None of you were in her head, thinking her thoughts, or dealing with her emotions on a daily basis. She didnt just wake up one day and think "hey, Im unhappy today, even though I've been happy for years, , let's go have an affair!" She probably thought about it for a long time before giving in to her temptations, which means that things were not perfect for a long time. This isn't an insult to you, and is not meant to justify her actions, but to explain that it isnt as simple as you made it seem, and that you need to realize that you can't base a person's happiness on how they act to everyone else all the time....take me for instance. People think I am gregarious, outgoing, happy, fun, smart and sociable. On the inside I fell miserable, forlorn, lonely, and like I'm going through the motions every day. No one else has a clue, trust me. Well, my therapist does maybe, but that doesn't count.

 

How is it even remotely reasonable to say that everyone around a person knows better than the person themeselves how they've felt?

 

You as a BS are looking for answers and justifications in the same way that I as an OW look for answers and justifications to explain this ridiculous situation we found ourselves it. You just have to realize that they are simple on the outside, and quite complicated underneath it all, as anything emotional tends to be....

 

Lostgirl...you're making an assumption...understandable, since you don't have my backstory.

 

We're four years past d-day...and in a well-recovered marriage.

 

We've talked a LOT about this, during the year of marriage counseling after d-day and even well beyond that.

 

Looking back now...SHE can see that she wasn't unhappy prior to that year before the affair. She WAS happy...but during the time of her affair, her perceptions of our marriage changed greatly.

 

My post didn't spell out the fact that these realizations weren't all based on "outsider opinions"...my wife herself, looking back on the whole thing... prior, during and after...can see how her view of things changed during that time.

 

Does this make a little more sense with that included?

[LostGirl811]

Lostgirl...you're making an assumption...understandable, since you don't have my backstory.

 

We're four years past d-day...and in a well-recovered marriage.

 

We've talked a LOT about this, during the year of marriage counseling after d-day and even well beyond that.

 

Looking back now...SHE can see that she wasn't unhappy prior to that year before the affair. She WAS happy...but during the time of her affair, her perceptions of our marriage changed greatly.

 

My post didn't spell out the fact that these realizations weren't all based on "outsider opinions"...my wife herself, looking back on the whole thing... prior, during and after...can see how her view of things changed during that time.

 

Does this make a little more sense with that included?

 

Yup, thanks for the clarification

[Owl]

You have all given me much food for thought. And man, have I been doing a lot of (too much) thinking on this the past few days!

 

I guess my biggest fear in leaving my marriage is (in this order) 1) the discomfort and trauma this will cause in the lives of my wife and kids. My BIGGEST FEAR is losing the chance to be in my kids lives' every day. 2) the social/family upheaval and likely disapproval (I come from a VERY large tight-knit Catholic family...literally have 80+ cousins!!!!), and 3) my faith, my church, and the obvious implications of a 2nd divorce. 4) losing half of my assets.

 

These are legitimate fears, reasons to stop and really consider what I'm doing here, what the consequences will be. I know that sometimes you have to pass through a ring of fire to get to a beautiful goal at the end, but there is still a deep fear inside me about moving forward with the OW and leaving my W, and Isuppose that is only natural.

 

To make matters even more complicated, the OW and I are connected professionally and often work together on various projects (that is how we met). Thankfully we don't work for the same company, but are in the same line of work which puts us in each other's orbit frequently. So if I should decide to say goodbye to her, it will be all the more heartbreaking to have to interact with her through work. I'll still have to see her all the time (unless one of us changes jobs, that's unlikely), and we will both have to "put on a happy face" when I know we'll both be faking it.

 

So far, we're both doing pretty good at faking it with this friendship, we're willing to give it a try. You know what they say, just fake it `til ya make it? I'm trying, but...

 

Agh, this is AGONIZING!!!

 

Bob, you've never addressed my posts. I'm curious about how you avoid seeing that this is simply a struggle between what you WANT, and what you KNOW you should do.

 

You know, by your faith, that everyone is tested in this fashion. Your faith provides you with the answers on what you should do...you claim to be devout in your faith...so therefore you already know the answers to your questions.

 

The only CONFLICT here is because you're choosing to ignore your faith so that you can pursue what you WANT.

 

It really is that simple.

[westrock]

I guess my biggest fear in leaving my marriage is (in this order) 1) the discomfort and trauma this will cause in the lives of my wife and kids. My BIGGEST FEAR is losing the chance to be in my kids lives' every day. 2) the social/family upheaval and likely disapproval (I come from a VERY large tight-knit Catholic family...literally have 80+ cousins!!!!), and 3) my faith, my church, and the obvious implications of a 2nd divorce. 4) losing half of my assets.

 

These are legitimate fears, reasons to stop and really consider what I'm doing here, what the consequences will be.

 

Bob,

 

You need to reflect on what you wrote above because it is very telling about your feelings. It is no accident that the first thing that you wrote above is the discomfort and trauma this will cause in the life of your wife. Ask yourself why that is your biggest fear. You wouldn't have written that unless you deeply care for your wife at some core level. You didn't put her 2nd, 3rd, 4th, last on the list, or not even on this list. Instead you put her first on that list.

 

It seems that you are conflicted and that by listing your fears, you realize what you have with your current marriage, but with this other woman you have also realized that the OW is fulfilling some emotional needs that your current wife is not fulfilling.

 

Choosing to be with the OW may result in all those unmet needs being met, but you have these fears because you also realize at some level that you are giving up everything you currently have with your wife that the OW cannot fulfil. If the OW will be able to meet all your needs, you would have said above that you have no fears. Essentially by leaving your wife and choosing the OW, you are simply going to be shifting from one situation where your needs are partially met to another situation with a different set of unmet needs. You know this on a core level and they are reflected in the fears you listed above.

 

 

I know that sometimes you have to pass through a ring of fire to get to a beautiful goal at the end, but there is still a deep fear inside me about moving forward with the OW and leaving my W, and Isuppose that is only natural.

 

 

Using your analogy sometimes it's easier to focus on putting out that ring of fire and nuturing what you already have instead of seeking it elsewhere.

 

Why don't you focus all of your energy on improving your current marriage and improving the communication with your wife? I know that is easier said than done, but it is a lot easier to go through the challenges of that ring of fire (fixing your marriage) than having to deal with all the fallout by leaving your wife.

 

 

To make matters even more complicated, the OW and I are connected professionally and often work together on various projects (that is how we met). Thankfully we don't work for the same company, but are in the same line of work which puts us in each other's orbit frequently. So if I should decide to say goodbye to her, it will be all the more heartbreaking to have to interact with her through work. I'll still have to see her all the time (unless one of us changes jobs, that's unlikely), and we will both have to "put on a happy face" when I know we'll both be faking it.

 

It is only complicated because you are choosing to make it complicated. If you make the decision to work on your marriage, the complication you describe will become an insignificant issue.

 

 

Agh, this is AGONIZING!!!

 

Sometimes we wish everything to be black and white. It is only agonizing because you are conflicted between two choices that are imperfect. Decide what you really want in life ... if that is simply to be happy, then examine how you can achieve that with your current wife so that all of your needs will be met.

[mytruelove]

it's very nice to meet you. my relationship with my guy is very much the same as yours.

 

i have stopped posting some on this forum because i came to the basic conclusion that i had to "trust" myself and and my own feelings. personally, i found this forum a little one-sided, and harsh. although i appreciate every single bit of support and insight that i gain here.

 

i met the love of my life ten years ago. instant chemistry and attraction, intensly emotional connection. so much so that still to this day (AFTER TEN YEARS) i still get butterflies every time i see him. my6 hands still shake everytime i call him. and when i see him he makes me happier than i could ever imagine possible and we have a passion that i never even knew existed before.

 

unfortunately, neither one of us as every been truly available for each other. we have been friends, he's been married, divorced, had kids with another woman. i was in a relationship. i married someone else (even though i knew i had feelings for him and him telling me not to marry the other person. ) BIG MISTAKE!

 

a year ago, only after i realized that my marriage was over, and that i could fully commit (at least emotionally) to my true love, did i tell him how i really felt - just blurted it out one day...to my surprise he professed the same feelings, BUT he has a "girlfriend" that lives with him and she has kids and he has kids and he is afraid to leave that relationship. he has major trust issues and has been hurt in the past badly and is afraid i will do the same. it is obvious that he does not love her and it really hurts to have to let him make his own choices while i make mine.

 

so, after a year of fighting our feelings, talks, phone calls, emails, flirting. him being extremely patient with me being slow to end my marriage and me being extremely patient with him. we just couldn't fight things any longer.

our relationship turned sexual.

 

please be warned that i believe your relationship will go there if you continue to see her and it does change you. it will change her. it will change your relationship. how you handle the aftermath will be a true test of your character (as i told my guy). it was really really rough for a while, BUT we have 10 years of friendship behind us that neither of us is willing to give up. we promised each other prior to us agreeing to be sexual that at all costs we would maintain our friendship (we were both scared to death of things changing) and we are both fighting now to keep that promise.

 

we too have tried everything from no contact for a month (longest month of my life!) and feelings stronger than ever to trying to limit it to purely friendship. nothing has worked here either. in fact, just saw him this morning.

 

recently, i told him that i could not have sex with him while he still has the other woman in the picture. i did this because i felt like this lowered our relationship to a level i did not want it to be at and i was not being true to myself pretending that it did not hurt. this upset him, and i thought that our relationship would end at that - it hasn't. in fact, we communicated and reached a much better understanding of each other - for the moment at least.

 

i'm the happiest, lonliest, most sastified, dissatisfied, confused, clear all at the same time. it is honestly the not knowing that is hardest on me. i don't know or have any insurance that he will ever find the courage to leave the relationship he is in and be completely with me. all i have is my faith and trust. i have to believe that i know his heart and my heart and i go on living every day. i trust him. i trust myself. i can only work on me and make positive changes in me so i am the best person i can be.

 

it is all in the waying the risks for me and trusting myself enough to trust my instincts and my gut and just go with the moment. trusting and knowing myself enough to know what is right for me.

 

i could possibly write a book on your subject, but if you go back and read my posts you'll see more of my story.

 

anyway, we can stay stagnent in life or we can move forward - whichever way you feel is forward for you- whether it is leaving your marriage or making the choice to stay in it.

 

if you do decide no contact is what you need, then i would definitely not do it without explaination to her. coming from someone who has major abandonment issues from past relationships that left without explaination it can do major damage and cause more hurt than you know!!! also, being left out there not knowing is torture. be man enough to explain your feelings to her and communicate with her. my guy and i have always been clear on these things - right down to asking for a time frame how long it will last and the reasons. it is the only way to maintain trust i believe.

 

being mean to her to push her away i don't think is the answer either. it is not being real. although, i have to admit it is a tactic that both my guy and i have used to try to pull away from the relationship, BUT never to the extent of being hurtful, just brutally honest at times.

 

my heart reaches out to you because i truly feel your pain and what you are going through. i completely understand.

 

i'm here to help, listen, and give you my experience and insight anytime.

 

we can help each other. i'm so happy you posted because i feel like i am getting the other side of the equation and i think your insight can be really helpful to me also.

[Reggie]

Nothing really insightful to add. But, we are the same age, Bob, with similar backgrounds(ex-altar boy here.) This is really quite simple, as others have pointed out. You are cheating on your wife and kids. Your beliefs and values tell you this is wrong. God is not going to give you some great revelation in response to your prayers. God has already revealed the answer to you in the form of the commandments. You may get the strength to do what you know is right through prayer. But you won't get any answers.

With your deep faith, I cannot imagine this won't eat you up if you continue. Not easy, eh?

[Bob54]

This really is where the central point of conflict lies with my situation: while my faith preaches devotion and fidelity within marriage (which I have practised, my wife - also Catholic -has not), my religion also stresses that marriage should be based on LOVE.

 

My wife and I did not marry for love. Neither of us ever pretended that we did. We married because she was pg, abortion not an option, family pressure, it was the right and only thing we could do.

 

Once in the mariage, there was no getting out. We had always been good friends and honestly care for one another. we're just not in love with each other and never have been. We DO love each other - see the difference?

 

My wife and I have had the arrangement for many years that we live separate lives, I know of her affairs and she has encouraged me to have affairs. I just never did because I can't have one-night stands or sex without some kind of connection to the other person. Never met the right person - had plenty of opportunities for 1-night stands, did'nt take them because I didn't FEEL anything other than lust towards the other person.

 

Then, this OW walks into my life, and I suddenly feel emotions and drives, desires I haven't experienced since my first high school crush! Here I am, 54 years old, and am fumbling around like a 14 year old...I want her like I haven't wanted a woman in probably 20 years. I'm in love for the first time in my life, and it's very strange to experience it at my age...not that I'm old or anything, but a little too old for giddy lovestruck behaviour.

 

I don't fall in love easily (obviously!), but this came like a bolt out of the blue. So if my faith tells me to marry the one I love, how can that same faith tell me to stay in a marriage that has been loveless from the start?

 

It's easy to stay in a loveless marriage for the friendship, companionship, and the family, the children. UNTIL you actually DO find real love...

 

that changes everything.

 

Makes you re-assess everything in your life, where you are, why you're there, where you're going, where you want to go, and most of all, who you want by your side when you get there.

 

I already know the answer to that last question. And it's not the woman I am married to. That's about all I know for certain right now, but at least I know that much.

[noforgiveness]

Makes you re-assess everything in your life, where you are, why you're there, where you're going, where you want to go, and most of all, who you want by your side when you get there.

 

I already know the answer to that last question. And it's not the woman I am married to. That's about all I know for certain right now, but at least I know that much.

 

Then you know what you have to do. If you see no future with your wife get out now and please do it with kindness. It is kinder to let her go then have an affair and lie to her.

[stillafool]

 

 

My wife and I have had the arrangement for many years that we live separate lives, I know of her affairs and she has encouraged me to have affairs. I just never did because I can't have one-night stands or sex without some kind of connection to the other person. Never met the right person - had plenty of opportunities for 1-night stands, did'nt take them because I didn't FEEL anything other than lust towards the other person.

 

If you and your wife have lived separate lives for years, you know of her affairs, and she encourages you to have affairs, you both aren't in love with each other; then your marriage has been a lie all along and also in God's eyes. If your wife feels this way about you it would seem you can still be friends and I can't see why you wouldn't be able to see your child everyday if you wanted. Most women fight custody because of revenge but your wife has none.

 

I don't understand how you claim to be so religious but would stay in and accept a marriage where your wife has repeatedly commited adultery. I'm sorry but it just doesn't add up.

[LostGirl811]

Bob

 

I don't see many people on this board advocating the break up of a marriage, but it almost looks like in your case the only reason your wife and you are staying married is because of convenience, appearances, and religious reasons- none of which appear to be really good reasons for staying married in my opinion.

 

The biggest obstacles to my MM getting out of his M are: fear of hurting his W, fear of not being able to see his children if she gets pissed off and takes them away, and the financial ruin and difficulty.

 

Im not sure you'd have any of these problems: youre wife obviously has her own affairs, you're friendly with each other, she has a job as an architect which is generally a successful endeavor, and there's no reason you can't see your kids as often as you want if you live near them. Who says you have to move away?

 

I'm just not sure why you're sticking around anymore. Religion has these rules and whatnot, and forgive me if my insight is lacking here because I'm neither Catholic, nor a religious Jew but more of a cultural one, but I would think if a God did exist, he'd want people to be happy, wouldn't they? Your OW doesn't deserve to be second fiddle, just like I don't deserve it, but at least she's being smarter than I was and resisting you while you are still married.

 

If you two really want to be together then ok, as I said earlier, be prepared for possible failure in that relationship as well, but as they say, nothing worth fighting for ever came easy, did it.

 

So, whatcha gonna do then?

[Owl]

Bob, you state that your faith insists that marriage be based on love.

 

I wonder if we read the same Bible, because I haven't seen anything in there about leaving them because you love someone else...not as something that God says is ok, at least.

 

But, I'll bite.

 

How do you know if you 'love' your wife or not? Or someone else for that matter?

 

Love goes through stages, depending on the age of the relationship.

 

What you're feeling for the OW is the "in love" phase...its the brand new, toe-curling, butterflies in your stomach stage.

 

IT DOESN'T LAST FOREVER

 

Love changes over time...it matures through several different stages.

 

Your love for your wife is in a different stage than the love for you're feeling for OW...but because you don't understand that, the overpowering "in love" stage is what's spurring you on right now.

 

 

If you read the same Bible I do...there's only ONE reason that is acceptable for divorce.

 

Its NOT to leave for someone else.

 

What you're trying to do right now is to rationalize and justify your desire to cheat with someone else.

 

At this point...I'm tempted to tell you to go for it.

 

Leave your wife...go be with the OW.

 

But...don't expect your family, your church, your friends, or anyone else for that matter to accept and agree and support your decision.

 

Party on, Garth.

[LostGirl811]

Bob, you state that your faith insists that marriage be based on love.

 

I wonder if we read the same Bible, because I haven't seen anything in there about leaving them because you love someone else...not as something that God says is ok, at least.

 

But, I'll bite.

 

How do you know if you 'love' your wife or not? Or someone else for that matter?

 

Love goes through stages, depending on the age of the relationship.

 

What you're feeling for the OW is the "in love" phase...its the brand new, toe-curling, butterflies in your stomach stage.

 

IT DOESN'T LAST FOREVER

 

Love changes over time...it matures through several different stages.

 

Your love for your wife is in a different stage than the love for you're feeling for OW...but because you don't understand that, the overpowering "in love" stage is what's spurring you on right now.

 

 

If you read the same Bible I do...there's only ONE reason that is acceptable for divorce.

 

Its NOT to leave for someone else.

 

What you're trying to do right now is to rationalize and justify your desire to cheat with someone else.

 

At this point...I'm tempted to tell you to go for it.

 

Leave your wife...go be with the OW.

 

But...don't expect your family, your church, your friends, or anyone else for that matter to accept and agree and support your decision.

 

Party on, Garth.

 

ok, its possible that his love for the OW won't last, which i already said was a risk he'd take, BUT, he said he has NEVER been in love with his wife, not from day 1. That's different than just losing some of the spark over time. He never had it to begin with.

 

And, just because some of the fire and intensity dies down with someone over time, doesn't mean you ever fall out of love with them. Being IN love does not equate necessarily with crazy sexual intensity or physical lust. Loving someone and being IN love with someone are both two entirely different ways of feeling about another human being, and both can last forever, and both can fade out over time, and maybe one can even fade into another, but I think that of all the things he is uncertain of, he has never expressed any uncertainty over how he feels for his W. He;s quite certain he's never been in love with her. He cares for her, he loves her, which is only natural. You can love your best friend, why can't you love your wife without being in love with her? it seems she's just a best friend he happened to have some physical intimacy with on occasion.

 

Fortunately for him, it is fact that his church, his friends and his family don't have to live in his head and in his house. He does, and his wife does, and their kids do. This decision should be made at home. This obviously isn't a situation where the wife is obvlivious to the uncertainty in the marriage, if she's already had affairs of her own and tells him he should have affairs of his own. Religion should be there to give guidance and hope and faith, but you shouldnt be unhappy just because of what other people are going to think of you. It isn't their life, it is yours. So if you're telling me that, because of his religion, that it's better to be in a marriage where the spouses might as well be roomates, and at least one of them has been cheating on the other out in the open already , than to live amicably as ex-spouses and find love with other people, then I guess I'm glad I'm not religious.

 

Good luck Bob, you'll need it.

[jj33]

But doesnt that just make the point. This isnt about the church, the family, the OW or anything else.

 

Its about Bob and his wife. Bob doesnt want to leave. He has a host of reasons for wanting to stay. The OW is clear in this case. She will not be the OW. She has bowed out. So this is not about an affair.

 

Bob I think you have some thinking to do. What does Bob want his life to look like? You are only 54. Granted its not 43 or even 44 but you have another good 20-30 years. What do you want them to look like?