Should I Pretend I Don't Care (When I Do)?

[phoenixrising]

Bob, I truly am sorry for the pain you are feeling... it isn't easy to watch the love of your life move on...

 

.... but I just can't understand at all why you are angry? She heard the words "I don't believe in divorce" and "I won't leave my wife" and saw the writing on the wall. She did the right thing - for her, for you, for your wife, and for your kids - and moved on.

 

I, also, said to my xMM that we'd always be friends. But I found that our friendship prevented me from developing a relationship with anyone else. All I could think of on dates was MM... and when he and I were together, he sure didn't treat me as a friend. The underlying intimacy, no matter that there was nothing physical going on, was so, so strong. It was visible to everyone around us. And because of this I ended it, quickly, no contact except business, and am trying to get my life back. It's only been 3 months, and it is very difficult. But to see him when I have these feelings just causes me to stay in love, so I've had to end it. I told him this, and told him why, but I don't think he really understands how it affects me when we're together. He doesn't understand why we can't be friends, because he doesn't understand what it means to go home alone, while watching the man you love go home to another woman. Bob, why would you EVER want her to hurt like this? Does she even know you are considering leaving??? And to be honest, would you even be considering leaving if she were willing to be with you part time?

 

She is absolutely doing the right thing. I admire her for recognizing that you are, truly, "unavailable", and that she needs to focus her attention elsewhere. It's a good thing you both didn't cross the ultimate line. That makes it so much more difficult, believe me.

[phoenixrising]

"what pushed her to make this decision"??????? Bob, you are MARRIED TO ANOTHER WOMAN!!! You have a wife!!! This isn't trivial!! You sleep with your wife, prioritize her, laugh with her, watch your kids grow up with her.... why in the WORLD would OW want to put herself through the pain of watching you share your life and your bed with another woman???

 

Would you want to share OW with another man??? You obviously don't like it one bit... but she's free to do this. You aren't.

 

You are using the exact words my xMM used to use, and he seemed to think it made sense, as you do. But I just don't understand the logic.

[2sunny]

well Bob, did you expect her to hang around forever while you tried to get off that fence? she's smart - i'll give her that.

 

and you say it doesn't matter anymore? what's with that BS? i thought this thread was essentially about you deciding to divorce your wife because you are unhappy and have been for a long time...

 

if you were only trying to leave because of this ONE GAL then that is just not right - as you were posting under the guise of being in an unhappy marriage with the shield of your religion and keeping an interesting gal waiting in the wings...

 

i am appalled that you are sitting there feeling sorry for yourself at this moment... if you really loved her like you thought you did - YOU would be thrilled and happy for HER! you could have only provided her with heartbreak along with your potential to love her enough. it is now a transparent picture you have unveiled... it's all about YOU and your happiness at the expense of your wife (who you disregard as well), your kids, your religion, your extended family and the other woman.

 

i am usually a very forgiving poster and generally fair minded by nature but your self centered attitude with your last post has pushed my buttons. (by the way - i am not and have never been an OW) - so don't blame my attitude on that!

 

my attitude is based on fairness, common decency and the fact that you say you live by your belief system (yes, i am Catholic too). when was the last time you did something nice for a perfect stranger - expecting NOTHING in return? not even a thank you or acknowledgement of a good deed? try LIVING your belief system instead of just pretending...

 

i'm happy for that OW at this point. get divorced and learn to embrace your religion and how to be happy all by yourself. it's not a bad way to go.

[jj33]

jj, you said something in this thread a week or two ago about "maybe this OW came into your life to teach you something"...and at the time, I just kind of filed that away and prayed on what that life lesson might be.

 

I think I'm starting to learn it now.

 

Im sorry the lesson is so painful but its not just OW its the years of pain of staying in an unhappy marriage and the disapointment of thinking you found the answer and then watching it slip away. Believe me I dont discount htat and my heart goes out to you.

 

But... you couldnt go to OW without facing up to this pain. You have so much you have suppressed. And if you and OW were "meant to be" you will be. If you leave and think things through who knows. She cant have known this new person very long and not every relatinoshp works out.

 

But you need to be ready to leave for you.

 

When I saw xmm as few weeks ago he said maybe if we got back together he would decide finally to leave.... but it doesnt work that way or at least i dont think so.... either people are ready to leave or they are not. There is so much wrapped up in a marriage it is a huge decision and it has to be about you and your life and what you want for yourself. And that can be scary and painful. So much easier if its about someone else sometimes when you are thinking of tearing apart so much of your life.

 

Take good care I know its difficult

[Intellectualbrat]

Hi, I think that finding true love is one of the most beautiful things that can happen in a persons life....Im sorry for your marriage not going well..I think if you love this woman you should not let her go..It will only make your marriage worse if you stay and pretend..you will be bitter and it will get to a point where you will feel like you hate your wife because you will want to blame someone for your lost love..and guess who that would be? Yes her...Don't divorce her for your true love..do it for you..you can always be a dad to the kids, you are not divorcing them, Only the living arrangemnts will be diffrent...I stayed in my marriage for my kids and it only made me sour, unhappy and lost all intrest for sex and life itself...today 2 yrs later after my husband past away I have found true love and I now know that all the feelings that i thought would never come back have awaken again..I feel whole, i feel a woman again.

I can't tell you what to do, but I will tell you that your future will not be a good one if you stay in your marriage...Go..be happy..look for your love and tell her what you want to do...BE HAPPY..I wish you lots of luck.

[Owl]

I think 'true love' has to be mutual...and this clearly isn't.

 

I also thing that Bob is still lost in "the affair fog". He doesn't have a clue WHAT he wants right now.

 

I am curious if his wife figured things out, based on his last post. And what he's doing on that front now.

[Dominique]

Bob...! Go get the girl, for God's sake! What kind of life is this???? Where is written that Thou Shalt Be Miserable? Your marriage is over. A marriage is over when the two partners do not love, hence do not respect, each other. This sometimes happens, and sometimes not.

 

You have one life to live and you are pining away in misery. Do a Lakeside Dream and be bold. Call her, give her a timeline for a divorce and tell her you want to marry her...

 

And no faux morality about divorce, please. Most people stay in dead marriages because of fear and a diaper-baby inability to be "alone" (waaaah!). Not because of high falutin' "ethics".

 

Go for it Bob. Time to stop crying in the cereal and live

 

DOM

[Owl]

I'll offer the opposite advice.

 

She's moved on...she realizes that she can't have TWO men in her life (whaddya know...someone got it), and she's chosen to be with the (single?) guy that she's met.

 

I give her kudos for setting boundaries that Bob couldn't maintain in his own relationship with his wife. Clearly she learned something here.

 

She's made her plan crystal clear. Chasing after her will only make her angry...and further destroy your family and your marriage.

 

While I DO NOT support LSD's plan in any fashion either, at least he's not taking his steps with a wife sitting at home trying to rebuild her marriage.

 

Its time to do NOTHING for a while.

 

Grieve over the loss of your relationship with OW...and see what you're feeling once that process is done. See if your family is still there, if your wife hasn't moved on without you. THEN start figuring out what your next steps are.

 

If your family hasn't completely given up on you and moved on...you might find your feelings for them returning once you've gone through that process.

 

But chasing after her now will destroy your odds of having ANY relationship when this is all said and done.

[Intellectualbrat]

Bob you will regret it if you don't take this opportunity...Go find your true love..Im sorry for your wife but you cannot stay in a marriage just because you think you are doing the right thing...I did it and I lost 5 yrs of my life..Im 42 and I wish I would of been younger when i found my Soul Mate..GO..what are you waiting for? You still there reading this? Ok go now..go be happy..We only have one life to live..you did the right thing at the time when you married your wife..you tried..Now it's your turn. Best Of Luck!!!

[sadintexas]

PhoenixRising, thank you for your wisdom and compassion. I can tell you've really been there and I can learn a lot from you. Most of all, I can learn what not to do, right?

 

2sunny, sounds like you've been through what I'm considering doing now: to gracefully exit my marriage and work out a fair custody agreement that makes everyone happy. What you say makes sense and I think my wife and I would part amicably. We've been friends all these years, and I see no reason why we wouldn't stay friends after a divorce. Not just for the sake of the kids, but because we genuinely like each other.

 

My greatest fear is losing custody of my kids. I know judges tend to rule in favor of the wife (even if she's been unfaithful in the marriage), and unfortunately, I have had some substance abuse problems in my past (long ago...conquered that 10 yrs. ago &never looked back) which could easily get me ruled as unfit. I'm afraid as soon as the judge sees my arrest for possession, even if it was years ago, custody will be denied.

 

Also, my job requires that I travel 2-3 days per week, 40 weeks per year. One of the "convenient' reasons I've stayed in the marriage is b/c the wife takes care of the kids when I'm traveling...then I return the favor on the weekends I'm home. In essence, we already have a shared custody agreement, this is how it's worked for years. But no judge would grant me custody as an "absentee" dad. With me gone that much, I wonder if I'd even get 50/50 custody. I've been in my job for 25 years and am too close to retirement to consider leaving it now.

 

Do these seem like the huge insurmountable obstacles I perceive them to be? I'd give up anything (including a chance at love with this OW) for my kids. Losing them would devastate me completely.

 

I just have to respond to this. It may have been answered already. I didn't take the time to read further when I saw this question.

 

Those issues might be a factor if the custody was disputed by your wife, but it sounds as if you and your wife would be amicable about this and the judge will agree to a reasonable parenting plan. The details you talk about won't factor into it unless there is a dispute and a hearing is needed.

[Bob54]

Well, after a few weeks of licking my wounds and trying to sort things out, here's the latest:

 

Things are pretty much the same around my house. My wife continues to see her other man and treats me like her brother. I treat her as my sister and friend. We take care of the kids together. We NEVER talk about the OW. She doesn't ask, I don't volunteer. So I'm dealing with this alone. Outside of the Love Shack, I haven't discussed this with anyone else recently.

 

As for the OW, after 2 weeks of NC, we bumped into each other at a work function last week. She seemed to be glad to see me, but I could also sense that it was painful for her to look in my eyes or talk to me. I wondered if she still had some feelings for me, and this of course, stirred up all those feelings I still have for her, feelings I've been trying (very unsuccessfully) to bury and have a funeral for.

 

We talked for a while, mostly small talk and chit-chat, and actually found ourselves soon slipping into that "wonderful conversation" zone again that made it so terrific in the early stages of our relationship. We were both enjoying ourselves a little too much, and to my surprise, she didn't seem to want our talk to end. Reading her body language, eyes, and other cues, I could feel the old attraction was probably still there for her, too.

 

When we said goodbye, she reached out to shake my hand (very businesslike, eh?) but held my hand gently in both of hers and didn't let go for a few long sweet seconds. She looked at me as tho' she wanted to just haul off and kiss me right then and there, but with so many people around it was out of the question. And with her having a bf now, telling me we shouldn't continue to have contact, etc...that would be a really bad idea.

 

Even if it was all I wanted in the world, and all I've been dreaming about since. Funny how just a few seconds like that with someone you care for so much can stir up all kinds of fantasies in one's mind...and hopes...

 

Needless to say, after that I'm more sad and confused than I was before.

 

Two days later, she sends me a text saying she's sorry things didn't work out between us. Says she thought we had a very special connection, and if there's ever anything I need, that I can call on her.

 

Very nice thing to say, although it sure wasn't easy to hear. So I wrote back thanking her for her friendship and said "I'm sorry, too."

 

I heard nothing in reply for two more days. Then, about 9pm last night, I get a text from her right out of the blue. The contents of this message stunned me and broke my heart at the same time, because it revealed feelings for me I didn't know she had. It said:

 

"My friendship is always here. To be honest, tho', I want you as more than just a friend, babe. That's why I'm distancing. Wouldn't be fair to pretend."

 

It's hard to really describe how this made me feel. Joyous at first to hear her confess that she DOES care for me (even in a darn text message), but devastated to know she has resigned herself to never acting on those feelings. And that she doesn't want to be friends anymore because it "wouldn't be fair to pretend" with all those feelings swirling around unresolved. I understand and feel the same way, but oh man, this is just ripping my heart out.

 

Not sure what to do/say/feel at this point. I haven't responded to her text, don't know what I should do now. I'm paralyzed with uncertainty and fear of making the wrong move. So I'll ask you: why do you think she told me this? She didn't have to say a word, but chose to share her feelings with me. Why would she do this?

 

And how should I respond? In a text? Jeez, what do you say to a heartfelt confession like that in 160 characters or less?

 

Should I call her and try to talk thru it on the phone? Or ask to see her in person? Should I confess my feelings to her or just accept her decision and give her the support she needs to stay strong in her new relationship?Help???

[Dominique]

Honey Pie,

 

Wake up.

 

She is distancing herself because you are married. She is protecting herself, while still going that risky bit of extra mile to tell you of late that she is "still interested" --as in....she wants you to divorce.

 

Now either you step to the plate and take ACTION and end this silly brother-sister-college-roomate act you've got going on at home (two adulterous spouses! Now tell me you are just "there for the kids", right?); or you put on the big boy pants and stop sulking about her and let her go.

 

It is option A or B and nothing else

 

 

DOM

[Owl]

Bob...Dom is totally right.

 

Fix things at home...one way or another. Either fix your marriage, or file for divorce and get seperated. Focus on resolving THAT relationship before you do anything else at all.

 

THEN see where things are sitting at.

 

The time for sitting there mewling like a kitten for milk is over. Time to 'man up'...and actually do something to resolve things.

[Bob54]

I hear you loud and clear, Dominique, and you're right. It's either A or B.

 

To be brutally honest here, I want nothing more than to call her up and ask her to meet me somewhere alone. I want to take her in my arms, confess my heart, and promise her I will leave my wife if that's what she wants me to. Whatever needs to be done so we can be together.

 

BUT....I am quite certain that if she rejects me, it will be the final heartbreak that I won't recover from. I'm so vulnerable and prickly at this point, just a look from her could shoot me down and break me. I'm just too raw to risk another rejection from her. Don't think I could take it.

 

The fact that I'm married still, and she does have another man in her life now, tends to indicate that barring some kind of miracle, she will probably reject my declaration of love everlasting...even if she feels it too.

 

She's just keeping her heart protected. Now I guess I'm protecting mine, too. I know I just can't bear to hear her say another sentence that begins with, "I'm sorry, but...." ever again. The pain would just be unbearable.

[phoenixrising]

Bob, what do you want from her? An emotional affair? To know she is in love with you? Her to accept having a part-time relationship with you? I'm just not sure what you want here. It appears clear - she wants more, but can't have this with you because you are married. You want more, but don't want to leave your "marriage". There is no easy solution here, but there is a solution, and it's a choice you must make. Either stay married and forget about the OW, or initiate divorce proceedings.

[Bob54]

Bob...Dom is totally right.

 

Fix things at home...one way or another. Either fix your marriage, or file for divorce and get seperated. Focus on resolving THAT relationship before you do anything else at all.

 

THEN see where things are sitting at.

 

The time for sitting there mewling like a kitten for milk is over. Time to 'man up'...and actually do something to resolve things.

 

Owl, I don't see any reason to put my kids through that upheaval and hurt of divorce if all they're going to be dealing with is a heartbroken, lonely dad living on his own. I don't see how that's going to be good for them.

 

As it is now, the kids have two solid parents who love them living together at home - even if those parents don't love each other in a passionate way. In other words, there's no good reason to rock the boat or leave unless I'm leaving for something better.

 

If they can't see their newly-liberated divorced dad happy, then they are much better off not knowing. They would always wonder why dad left a stable home to wander off into the desert alone and sad...and frankly, dad wonders why he would do that, too.

 

Punishing the kids just because dad fell in love with a woman he can't have doesn't seem like a good idea. If I'm to leave my marriage, it would be either A) because I've decided I'd be happier alone and could still be 100% there for my kids emotionally or b) because the OW wants to build a new life with me.

 

Anything less, and I'd just be punishing myself and my whole family. It makes more sense to stay right where I am under those circumstances.

[angie2443]

Owl, I don't see any reason to put my kids through that upheaval and hurt of divorce if all they're going to be dealing with is a heartbroken, lonely dad living on his own. I don't see how that's going to be good for them.

 

As it is now, the kids have two solid parents who love them living together at home - even if those parents don't love each other in a passionate way. In other words, there's no good reason to rock the boat or leave unless I'm leaving for something better.

 

If they can't see their newly-liberated divorced dad happy, then they are much better off not knowing. They would always wonder why dad left a stable home to wander off into the desert alone and sad...and frankly, dad wonders why he would do that, too.

 

Punishing the kids just because dad fell in love with a woman he can't have doesn't seem like a good idea. If I'm to leave my marriage, it would be either A) because I've decided I'd be happier alone and could still be 100% there for my kids emotionally or b) because the OW wants to build a new life with me.

 

Anything less, and I'd just be punishing myself and my whole family. It makes more sense to stay right where I am under those circumstances.

 

You are bieng very cruel to your familly. Staying untill something better comes along means you are using them (or at least their mother) as a back up plan for your own confort. You are not doing this out of concern for your kids. You are doing this for you and you only.

 

I've been through my parents divorce. It will hurt the kids. I'm not lying because I hate it when people say the kids will just get over it. However, in your case, you will do more harm by staying married, unless you find a way to love your wife again. Sorry, I just don't buy that "I love my wife, but as a sister" line. If you love and respect your wife in any way, then you will divorce or work on the marriage. Staying in the marriage and complaining about your pain is just cruel and cold hearted to your familly.

[Owl]

Owl, I don't see any reason to put my kids through that upheaval and hurt of divorce if all they're going to be dealing with is a heartbroken, lonely dad living on his own. I don't see how that's going to be good for them.

 

As it is now, the kids have two solid parents who love them living together at home - even if those parents don't love each other in a passionate way. In other words, there's no good reason to rock the boat or leave unless I'm leaving for something better.

 

If they can't see their newly-liberated divorced dad happy, then they are much better off not knowing. They would always wonder why dad left a stable home to wander off into the desert alone and sad...and frankly, dad wonders why he would do that, too.

 

Punishing the kids just because dad fell in love with a woman he can't have doesn't seem like a good idea. If I'm to leave my marriage, it would be either A) because I've decided I'd be happier alone and could still be 100% there for my kids emotionally or b) because the OW wants to build a new life with me.

 

Anything less, and I'd just be punishing myself and my whole family. It makes more sense to stay right where I am under those circumstances.

 

 

You don't want a divorce?

 

GOOD!!!!

 

GREAT!!!!

 

Then you've made up your mind.

 

I think that's wonderful...you've decided to stay married.

 

That means that you're going to FIX the marriage, right????

 

After all, your goal is to give the kids the best possible environment you can. That means that you NEED to give up OW...completely...forever. You need to start taking every measure possible to fix things up with your wife...start working on getting HER affair to end with OM, and start working together to rebuild your damaged marriage and family.

 

RIGHT?!?!?!

 

Otherwise, your claims to be doing this "for the kids" are meaningless.

 

If your sole goal here is to do right by them...THEN BECOME AN EXAMPLE FOR THEM!!!!!

 

Do what you need to to make things right. FIGHT FOR YOUR FAMILY, INSTEAD OF PINING FOR SOMEONE YOU CAN'T HAVE.

 

You with me here, Bob???

[2sunny]

you wanting to tell her that you will leave if she waits for you is all empty promises!

 

what a crock of $hit. if you want her that bad - then get divorced. she wants to see the evidence and i don't blame her.

 

she's ONLY going to consider you available when you are. smart gal, i'll give her that.

 

either $hit or get off the pot honey. you can't have it both ways.

[Owl]

Exactly...your choice NOT to divorce was made off of reasons that had nothing to do with the OW...you opted not to divorce FOR THE KIDS.

 

So...that means that you can't leave your wife to be with OW...because that's not what's good FOR YOUR KIDS.

 

The choice to stay has nothing to do with OW.

 

You CAN'T have a healthy family relationship with you and your wife both cheating. It creates that "roomate atmosphere"...NOT a family or marriage. That ISN'T in the best interest of the kids...which you claim as your reasons for your choices.

 

Either end it with OW...or end it with your wife and divorce.

 

Staying where you're at is NOT 'best for the kids'.

[Bob54]

Uh, guys...gals....HELL-OOOOO???

 

Why is everyone telling me to FIX my marriage when there is nothing to fix? Folks, remember that my wife chose to see other men first. I choose to allow that. Ours is not a love match, remember? It was an arranged marriage of social convention, necessity (she was pregnant) and convenience from day one. We both understood that going in ...from day one.

 

So I don't know where anyone here gets the idea from reading any of my posts that my heartbroken little wife sits at home crying over me and the OW at night. Trust me, she does not. She's glad to see me finally interested in someone else. She's got someone else.

 

Goodness, let's not read things into this story that just don't exist.

 

There is no desire on my part or my wife's to "fix" our marriage. Period. We agree to stay together for other reasons: comfort, compatability, friendship, kids, our church/religion, social expectations, financial considerations, etc....long list. But our marriage is not about love; it never was and we had no illusions about that going in.

[jj33]

Thats fine Bob but WHY would you expect another person (in this case OW) to want to limit her life to one that revolves around the

 

"comfort, compatibility, friendship, kids, church/religion, social expectations, financial considerations etc" of you and your wife?

 

That puts OW pretty far down on the list doesnt it?

 

What THIS OW is telling you is you cant have your cake and eat it too.

[Bob54]

OK, I know some folks here just can't resist the urge to moralize, but that's not why I came to this forum looking for help, support and advice with my problem. So with all due respect, if you don't have an answer that is helpful and responsive to the question, please don't reply.

 

Now - back to my original question posed earlier today - what is the best response to that stunning text she sent last night? From my previous post:

 

"I haven't responded to her text, don't know what I should do now. I'm paralyzed with uncertainty and fear of making the wrong move. So I'll ask you: why do you think she told me this? She didn't have to say a word, but chose to share her feelings with me. Why would she do this?

 

And how should I respond? In a text? Jeez, what do you say to a heartfelt confession like that in 160 characters or less?

 

Should I call her and try to talk thru it on the phone? Or ask to see her in person? Should I confess my feelings to her or just accept her decision and give her the support she needs to stay strong in her new relationship?Help??? "

[RobertLS]

Hi Bob, I've been following your thread off and on periodically. I'm in a similar situation as you, not exactly the same, but close. I've even shown your thread to my wife to help her understand the conflict I'm in. A lot of the posters on your thread have given me good things to think about. Since I'm in a logjam like you, having a hard time figuring out what to do, I don't have any good advice for you. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

 

As far as your latest post, I guess what I'd do is call her and ask her what she meant by the text. The not knowing would eat away at me. As far as why she sent the text, maybe it's because she's unsure of her feelings too and wants to keep options open. The best way to find out though, is to ask her.

[jj33]

Bob I wasnt moralizing. As someone who has been in her position I am giving my opinoin which is if you hav nothing to offer her other than a position as the OW then leave her alone.