swanee river Posted September 21, 2008 Share Posted September 21, 2008 Almost 10 months ago, I met an amazing woman. She immediately became my best friend and what you might call an old-fashioned courtship began. About 2 months ago, it became clear that some family issues would cause her to alter course and move across the country for an indefinite period. Indefinite, but long enough to really pull up stakes and move. I was very supportive and helped wherever I could. I asked only that she keep an open mind and that our relationship not simply end "by default". After a month apart, I went to visit her and it was awesome. And good thing, too, as I was about ready to burst, I missed her so much! Now, a few weeks later, I'm missing her even more and wanting very much to go back. As it happens, her life out there has been hitting stride and so she's quite a bit busier. She was never much for calling me, which I've always chalked up to the "old-fashioned courtship" thing; I think she likes the male to do most of the pursuing. I've never minded that, but now with the distance and time difference, we can easily go a week or two with no contact. I think she's fine with that, but I'm wired a little differently... The longer we go, the more I wonder if her feelings have changed, even though I admittedly have no evidence. Apparently, I have a powerful imagination that likes to torture me. Intellectually, I know I should relax, trust and save the bottled-up emotional energy for when it's really needed, not on my brooding speculations. BUT-- that's much easier said than done. So far, I've said nothing about this, other than "I miss you"; I've never complained about her not calling; every message I leave is warm (and I try not to leave them every day...) I have nothing to regret about my actions thus far. And last I checked, she cared for me... But it still hurts and is distracting from my work and general life. She's worth waiting for, but I need to acquire some better skills in this area. Any tips, thoughts, personal anecdotes? I really would like to master my own feelings--- at least until such time that something worth actually worrying about does happen... Thank you-- S.R. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted September 21, 2008 Share Posted September 21, 2008 I believe the most important thing in an LDR is the openness and honesty. If that isn't there - it will crumble. Unfortunately that means sometimes we have to be even more vulnerable with our feelings than others. You both should discuss the understanding of the fears and insecurities that can arise so you can bare them. I have found that is the only way to really put them to rest. She may be feeling the same way at times. But I am sure that if she loves you she wouldn't want you nervous or fearful of losing her. She will only want you to be as happy as possible with the two of you separated. The other rule that is the best one of all is there are no stupid questions - open book policy - everything asked gets answered with a straight answer not a flippant comment that could plant more of those insecurity seeds. I hope that helps a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author swanee river Posted September 21, 2008 Author Share Posted September 21, 2008 Yes, it does, thank you. She said herself once several months ago that she has a certain history of running away when things got serious... I took it to heart and have been very low-pressure. It would have been SO easy for her to use this move to run away, yet she welcomed my recent visit with open arms. This is what I try to remember, and has served me well....up to a point. As I said, I'm just wired a little differently. And in some cases, what I'm going through personally is the result of previous bad experiences that have nothing to do with her. Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
ohhmyandrea Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 I passed a church sign today and it made me smile. Being in a LDR, there's so much time that isn't being spent with you SO. Even if you try to stay as busy as possible - sometimes the mind likes to torture you.. So I know how you feel about questioning and worrying. I wish you could have seen this sign. It's so odd how the strangest messages come from nowhere. "Worry is a poor use of imagination." Link to post Share on other sites
Author swanee river Posted November 6, 2008 Author Share Posted November 6, 2008 Update-- Patience has paid off! Just returned yesterday from my second visit with my long-distance g/f and it was sublime. In the intervening weeks since I last wrote, I've had every emotion in the book... but through it all, I never pressured her, or asked leading questions (like "what did you do last night/who did you go with to the such-and-such" etc.). I treated her like everything was fine, and that I had no questions running through my mind. Of course, I couldn't keep that up indefinitely, but as it turns out, by remaining supportive of her and not questioning her faithfulness and integrity, all my questions were answered in their own due time, in natural conversations. For example, an outing she went on that had me wondering (was it a date?!) was clarified by her own mother sort of randomly during another conversation--- I never had to stoop to the level of prying into her life. And, she proved to be absolutely innocent of anything I might've questioned her on, so--- thank goodness I didn't! Meanwhile, she treated me so well, and with love, and seemed genuinely grateful that I had allowed her to space to complete her move, settle in, and find some work without undue pressure to see me, or check in--- and that she actually enjoyed that all my messages were upbeat and supportive. I'm writing this because--- so many times in my past, I've smothered something potentially wonderful under the weight of my own insecurities. And while our relationship may-or-may-not work out due to the distance, we're not going to lose it over petty jealousy or suspicion. It's been HARD HARD HARD, but absolutely worth it to curb my tendencies to question everything and let my passions cloud my judgement. It took a lot of putting myself in her shoes, and asking if I would truly want to be given the 3rd degree on my actions and motivations during a time of immense personal change and transition---! Of course I wouldn't! But it's so easy to forget the "golden rule" here. So easy to be impatient. I hope this is of help to someone. Again, it's no guarantee that things will work out, but it's such a relief to have refrained from sabatoging things before they even get a chance to grow. -SR Link to post Share on other sites
Author swanee river Posted November 6, 2008 Author Share Posted November 6, 2008 I should also add--- that the advice given about keeping things honest and open is great advice. Indeed I spoke to her of my needs, but not in the context of accusations or being upset with her. In fact, it was one of those conversations that led to her saying, "well get yourself out here!" Link to post Share on other sites
strongertoday Posted November 6, 2008 Share Posted November 6, 2008 swanee....well done holding yourself in...I know I couldnt do it and it annoyed my guy something chronic...but the good man he is he puts up with me I have to say I always sent a text every day...and made it clear he didnt have to reply...but it made me feel good knowing he would read it, smile, and think of me. probably twice a month he would reply tho and *oh my* that was PURE joy. (and he moved over 12,000 miles last week to live with me - happy ending - hope you get your happy ending too) HUGS Link to post Share on other sites
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