brenda collins Posted September 21, 2008 Share Posted September 21, 2008 I really hope someone on here can give me some much needed advice. I have been friends with this guy for years and years. We grew up together and although briefly dated when we were very young ( we are both 23 now, so when we were about 11 or twelve!) we have always just been friends. Recently, he has moved back home after uni and we have become even closer. We went on holiday to my house abroad together with some of our friends and we spend a lot of time at each others houses. The problem is is that I have feelings for him, and have done for a while. He has a long term girlfriend. As if that wasnt bad enough, we have a very flirty friendship and often end up sleeping in the same bed cuddled up after nights out (although nothing has ever happened.)Is this normal? and would he behave like this if the feelings he had for me were purely based on friendship??? Im very worried as my feelings seem to be spiralling out of control and I like him more and more everyday.. His girlfriend lives in ireland and they dont see each other much but he is crazy about her. I really feel as if maybe there is something between us. All my friends think we will end up together and married and even my mum thinks this (although she does not agree with the situation at the moment.) I have had a few bad experiences with men and i really feel like he could be the one and i dont want to live my life regretting finding out... but what should i do??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author brenda collins Posted September 21, 2008 Author Share Posted September 21, 2008 please reply!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author brenda collins Posted September 21, 2008 Author Share Posted September 21, 2008 someone help Link to post Share on other sites
Author brenda collins Posted September 21, 2008 Author Share Posted September 21, 2008 anyone. I nees advice!! Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 21, 2008 Share Posted September 21, 2008 You should stop making yourself so available to a man who has a long distance girlfriend he's crazy about. You are currently his back-up girl. He's not going so far as to have sex with you - so he can tell himself he's technically not cheating on his gf - but he's using you as his back-up girl since his gf is not around. If she were around, he would not be behaving this way with you. Does he like you? Of course. But, not so much to actually break up with his gf and begin a romantic relationship with you. So, he'll continue to use you for as long as you let him, because it feels nice for him to have a girl to hang out with and cuddle with while he's missing his gf. I'd suggest you back off and not allow him to blur the lines between friendship and affair. If you really care for him, it will only hurt you more the longer you allow this situaiton to continue as-is. Your feelings will continue to grow, while he is content having you both and has little reason to change anything. He has NO INCENTIVE to break up with his gf to be with you when he can have you and her too, the way he is right now. Link to post Share on other sites
superd Posted September 21, 2008 Share Posted September 21, 2008 Okay, maybe I am in a contrary mood today, but are you sure that you didn't sleep with this guy? I am having a hard time believing it. My advice, take it for what it is, if you want him to lay on your bed while you play your music mix cds or whatever you like for him, than do it, just don't do him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brenda collins Posted September 21, 2008 Author Share Posted September 21, 2008 I know i really need to back off. But we have been friends for years and have the same friends in common. Should i just continue to be his friend and hold on and see what happens with his gf in the hope that we may one day be together?? Im starting to panic about the situation. Last night we went out and i ended up staying at his place as usual cuddled up in the same bed. During the course of last night One of my friends was being a cow and flirting with him and i found myself panicking about it and feeling as if he was mine and trying to stop girls flirting with him... (not a good attitude to have) I think i am seriously falling in love with him. Also he has a free house this week and has asked me to stay with him for the week as he wants company. Is this a good idea?? Link to post Share on other sites
diamondeyes Posted September 21, 2008 Share Posted September 21, 2008 The way I see it you basically have two choices here. The first option is to distance yourself from him. You do have the same friends so it would be a little difficult but it's not impossible. The second option is to stay with him for the week and be even more confused than you are right now. Do you really want to agonize about this or make it even more complicated than it is already? Link to post Share on other sites
Author brenda collins Posted September 21, 2008 Author Share Posted September 21, 2008 why do you think he wants me to stay... on nights out it is always his idea for me to stay over as well. Yet he never tries anything. Do you think he thinks of it as purely a friends thing?? also how do i distance myself from him?? He is going to start thinking it is weird if i jsut dont see him anymore.. I think i love him and i see a future for us after him and his gf... i cant just give up. we would be perfect together and everyone else can see it. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 21, 2008 Share Posted September 21, 2008 why do you think he wants me to stay... on nights out it is always his idea for me to stay over as well. I think it is like Norajane said: you are his "better than nothing" for emotional closeness (affection, attention, respect, communication, etc.), and also to satisfy his need for physical touch/contact -- at least, as much of all of it that he can reconcile within himself is not "cheating". If his g/f was around, he would be getting that from her and would not need to maintain this pseudo-romantic relationship with you. It really does speak volumes that he has chosen to not only to stay with his real girlfriend, but also to stay sexually faithful to her. That he has even been ABLE to be that close with you and NOT try to have sex, also points to his level of sexual attraction to you, IMO. It would be okay if you allowed yourself to listen to what all of your current situation and feelings are telling you about how he feels about his real girlfriend...and where he puts you in relation to her. (((hugs))) Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 21, 2008 Share Posted September 21, 2008 why do you think he wants me to stay... on nights out it is always his idea for me to stay over as well. Yet he never tries anything. Do you think he thinks of it as purely a friends thing?? also how do i distance myself from him?? He is going to start thinking it is weird if i jsut dont see him anymore.. I think i love him and i see a future for us after him and his gf... i cant just give up. we would be perfect together and everyone else can see it. Apparently he can't see it, and that's what counts. Also, I'll quote myself: He has NO INCENTIVE to break up with his gf to be with you when he can have you and her too, the way he is right now. Don't stay with him this week. Let him be all alone, without his gf and without you filling in for her. Maybe he'll realize how much he relies on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brenda collins Posted September 21, 2008 Author Share Posted September 21, 2008 So do u guys not think he is attracted to me in that way???I suppose it is strange that he has not tried anything, but then although he is a flirt he is a very faithful loyal person. I dont think he would ever cheat on anyone...He is always telling me how gorgeous i am etc... I am sure he must feel something... but how am i to know that he is not just a massive flirt. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueEyedGirl Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 If he is able to sleep cuddled up in the same bed with you and NOT have sex it means that he pretty much has no sexual attraction to you. If he did - he wouldn't be able to control himself. He probably feels the same level of affection for you that he does for say his pet dog. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brenda collins Posted September 22, 2008 Author Share Posted September 22, 2008 But why would u cuddle up to someone you did not have feelings for and suggest they stay with u... I dont know... I think I should probably move on as liking this guy who is un available is probably holding me back from meeting someone else. But how do I get over him without stopping are friendship and without him knowing?? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 Get BUSY doing other things, and don't do them with him. Make plans with your other friends, join some clubs or take some dance classes or kickboxing or whatever. Surely you have other things going on in your life that don't have anything to do with him? Other friends to go out with? Do more of those things, and see more of those people, and spend less time with him. He's cuddling up with you because he misses his gf, and you are standing in for her so he can get some human contact. It probably feeds his ego, too, to have you around as often as he wants you. Link to post Share on other sites
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