how do i handle this??

[zoe1983]

Hey guys I am just trying to figure out how to handle this situation. Every single christmas of my life i have spent with my family in Connecticut. I have been very lucky to always been able to have time to make the trip. All of my family is local except for me and my parents so basically everyone shows up every single year as well. My parents live about 8 hours away and i live about 12 hours away.

 

So heres the problem....my job is not willing to give me time off this year so all i will have off is christmas day and the day after. Thankfully the next day is the weekend so i could still probably go for just two or three days but it will be an expensive trip thanks to the gas and milage on my car.

 

Also, i have another problem that i don't know how to handle. I live with my boyfriend of 4 years and we have a dog that is very sick and high maintenance. Kennels will not take him because of his special needs and bringing someone into the house is very expensive. We would also be afraid he might try to bite the person because he is not very good with strangers. Up until now we have had a friend who was always willing to take care of him while we were gone so it wasn't an issue. However for a couple of different reasons we don't feel comfortable having this friend watch our dog anymore. We also don't think we can take him with us because he is not very good with kids and all of my family have young kids. In previous years we have always been invited to stay at some relatives house to avoid hotel costs. My family has always done this and my parents do bring their dog but she is very low maintenance. I know its bad manners to just expect people to let my dog stay with them but i dont know what else to do.

 

I know the simplest solution would be to just not go but my mom would give me the guilt trip of the millennium and could quite possibly get mad at me too. She has even mentioned that she feels that if one of us doesn't come for christmas that it might jinx my grandmother and she could die. My grandmother's health has been failing but lately she has been doing very well.

 

Part of me just feels like my boyfriend and i should just stay home with the dog and have our own christmas together. I just know my mom is going to be so upset and i know this is very important to her and my family. Also i know it sounds silly but i know i would feel awful guilt if something DID happen to my grandmother. How do i make everyone happy????

[FlyingToaster]

I don't know if my advice will help, but here goes:

 

Let your mom know the whole issue with your dog. Tell her that the kennels in your area won't take him because of his problems. Have her help in finding some kennels where you're going to be. Don't necessarily have her make the arrangements because you'll need to talk with the kennel owners as to what they are willing to accept, and you need to be the one to make the final decision. If there is one willing to take your dog, I'm sure the cost would be pretty high. Let her know that too. If she wants you there that badly maybe she'll help with the cost.

 

She does seem to be giving you a guilt trip. If there's no way you can visit for Christmas, she's just going to have to accept that (easier said than done, I know). You need to keep repeating to yourself that it's your life and that you've done all that you possibly could to try and make it work. You should probably keep repeating that to your mother as well, and as calmly as possible.

 

As for your grandmother, well, your not showing up isn't going to jinx her. I'm sure she would appreciate a phone call though if you can't make it. Just to let her know you're thinking of her.

 

Also, maybe talk to the other relatives. Are they like your mom, or could they help you out by trying reason with her? Try that angle as well.

 

Hope all of this makes sense.

 

Take care.

[zoe1983]

thanks for the reply toaster, i really don't know the right thing to do. Basically no kennel will take him because he requires special feeding which involves a chair and a spoon (don't ask lol). If we did manage to find someone to come to the house my mom would insist we do it, no matter the cost, because she feels like i waste my money anyways so why not spend it on the dog so i can see my family. The problem is both my boyfriend and i are on a limited budget and a dog sitter in house would cost at least 40 bucks a day. Even if we are gone only 3 days thats still over 100 dollars, not to mention the fact that my mom will expect us to bring presents for all the family as well.

[FlyingToaster]

I've been there with taking care of pets. Although we now have dogs, our issue was with our cat.

 

Your money and how you spend it is your business. I'd say as long as you're paying the bills first, you're entitled to do whatever with what you have left over. If you're having to borrow money all the time, however, than you do need to re-evaulate your spending. Even so, if you're mom isn't the one bailing you out, she needs to stay out of your financial affairs.

 

You mentioned in your original post that you wanted to know how you were going to make everyone happy. That's not going to happen. No matter what you do, somebody is going to want you to have done something different. My MIL is great with the guilt trips, but in a different way. She expects my H to visit her everyday. If he doesn't, she's almost in tears on the phone. What I've told my H over and over again is that SHE is responsible for her happiness, no one else is. Sure, he can go and visit and bring some happiness, but she can't EXPECT it everyday. I think this applies to your situation as well. It seems that some people have children expecting them to do their parents' bidding even when they're grown and have lives of their own. It seems like your mom is only focused on her own happiness, and not very concerned about how miserable this situation is making you.

 

If you decide to not go, you probably will make your mom mad. However, it will force her to realize that you are now adult and she can't manipulate you into doing her bidding anymore.

 

Take care.

[whichwayisup]

I know the simplest solution would be to just not go but my mom would give me the guilt trip of the millennium and could quite possibly get mad at me too. She has even mentioned that she feels that if one of us doesn't come for christmas that it might jinx my grandmother and she could die. My grandmother's health has been failing but lately she has been doing very well.

 

1)Seems the important thing here is, your job isn't giving you the time. Your mom SHOULD understand this, the travel time back and forth doesn't give you much time to enjoy the holiday and really be there. Honestly, don't let your mom make you feel bad or guilty . Not sure how old you are, but this is YOUR life. Your mom is trying to manipulate you, and bully you into coming, using your grandmother's health against you. That's crazy!!

 

2)The dog. He's an important member of YOUR family with your boyfriend. Another reason that maybe not going this year is something to think about.

 

Sooner or later your mom has to deal with that things aren't going to always go her way and she's gonna be disappointed. Tough crap - That's life. Somehow SHE has to learn to deal with it and not make you feel bad about your choices. You live for you.

[greengoddess]

Offer to host Christmas at your place and then wait to hear all the reasons no one can travel that far and then say well there you have it for those reasons and many others we just can't swing it this year but you are more than welcome here.

 

Then enjoy a nice Christmas with your boyfriend and dog.

 

Is your dog expected to make it till Christmas?

[zoe1983]

Thank you so much for everyones advice. I am actually only 25 so i guess my mother and i are still working on the parent/adult child relationship. She will be in town this weekend so i think i am going to break the bad news and see how it goes....

 

And greengoddess thanks for asking about our dogs health. He is still going strong! We actually got him as a puppy and he got sick at about six months old and the doctors only gave him about a year to live. He is about to turn 6 in January and is a happy puppy, its just a whole lot of work to keep him healthy!