Can't get over my crush

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Or maybe I could, but I choose not to. I'm really not sure at this point.

 

The crush, let's call him Mark, is someone I've known for about a year. I've posted about him here before. I know he is attracted to me because of words and actions on his part, but we do not date. He is the manager of a bar I go to with my friends and he says he doesn't want to complicate his life by dating regulars. The bar is kind of like "Cheers", in that it really is a little community, more than just a bar. Think English pub.

 

I love seeing him there when I go. I get butterflies when I see him, and I love touching him, hugging him, whatever. It feels so good. I love his tallness, his broad shoulders, and the feel of his skin. The problem is that I don't feel as attracted to the people I am actually dating.

 

Right now I'm seeing two guys casually. Both very nice, generous, interesting people. I like them a lot. The problem? Neither is as good looking as Mark, and neither makes heart go thumpity thump when I see them. This happens a lot to me!

 

This has brought up a bunch of crap with me. I wonder if I'm shallow because I would rather be seen with Mark than either of these other two guys. I feel like that is something belongs in high school, and yet that is what I think sometimes.

 

I wonder if I have a fear of intimacy. I feel afraid of having a man REALLY want me all the way. I have a fear of combining sex with actual real felt emotion. Maybe the crush prevents me from having to confront that?

 

I wonder why I can't feel gaga about the guys who actually want to date me.

 

Thanks in advance for reading this. Any thoughts?

[Storyrider]

I have a fear of combining sex with actual real felt emotion.

 

Can you expand on this?

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Can you expand on this?

 

When I have sex with a man who has strong feelings for me, let's say love or deep caring, it makes me feel really strange, like I'm having sex with a family member or something. A person who really cares about me deeply as a person but also wants to see me naked. It kind of freaks me out! And it makes no sense at all. In my head this is what I want and have always wanted. This is what I dream of when I think of Mark, but when it starts to come true these feelings rise up. Does this make any sense at all? Do you understand what I am saying?

[Trialbyfire]

In caring, you leave yourself wide open to hurt. Sex can be used as a replacement for true intimacy but doesn't leave the person vulnerable.

[carhill]

POTD, TBF. Thanks

 

What would happen if you told Mark you can no longer be a regular customer because you wish to date him? Is he otherwise involved? Are you willing to take that risk?

 

I can tell you I did that with a vendor many years ago and, though she rejected me, the way she did so caused me to both remain a steady customer as well as respect and value her friendship. My first "crush" experience with a truly classy older lady

 

So, do you take the risk, or go with the status quo.

 

As far as your "feelings", I'd suggest getting some help from a professional. This sounds intrinsic to your psyche and you'll have to work through it, likely with help. FWIW, my female friend has this issue and, from listening to her opinion, along with my observations, I believe, in her case, it stems from a damaged childhood. Therapy has not helped her markedly in that one area, or so she has said.

[Storyrider]

When I have sex with a man who has strong feelings for me, let's say love or deep caring, it makes me feel really strange, like I'm having sex with a family member or something. A person who really cares about me deeply as a person but also wants to see me naked. It kind of freaks me out! And it makes no sense at all. In my head this is what I want and have always wanted. This is what I dream of when I think of Mark, but when it starts to come true these feelings rise up. Does this make any sense at all? Do you understand what I am saying?

Yes, I have felt that way, although I wouldn't have thought to put it into words that way. I think at least some level of emotional resistance in my partner makes it easier for me to open up sexually.

 

If I have the sense that the other person has no reservations about intimacy, my attraction wanes. I'm more comfortable knowing they might let me get close, but they also might back off. I think this has a dual effect of heightening an aspect of the sexual/romantic tension, as well as making me feel safer that I won't be engulfed.

 

Still, I want to love and be loved by the person I have sex with. Otherwise, the other person is little more than an object.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

TBF: Yes, vulnerability is always scary, although I think I'm a lot better prepared to handle it now versus when I was younger.

 

Storyrider: I think the push-pull thing is also important to me because I don't want to be engulfed and I like some amount of tension.

 

Carhill: I have thought about talking to him. My friends think I just need to pull him aside sometime when he is there as a patron and not on the clock. Those are the times when he is most frisky with me. Part of the problem is that he is a bit younger than me. I get the impression that he is very attracted to me but also afraid that he won't be enough for me. My guy friend from the bar also said as much.

 

As far as the sex issues, I'm afraid you might be right about it deeply rooted in my psyche. I do a really good job of ignoring it or forgetting about my feelings until they are all of sudden throwing themselves in my face. It's honestly a horrible feeling when it comes. It comes like a wave that is washing over me and I have no control.

 

It would be nice if I could meet someone who is the whole package for me so that I could figure it out on my own.

[carhill]

I get the impression that he is very attracted to me but also afraid that he won't be enough for me.

Thanks for the additional input. Can you expand upon the above statement? As a younger man to your older woman, what specifically gives you the impression that this colors his impression of your potential? Are we talking you being 35 and him 25 or something like that and those dynamics? Or, is age a factor in your impression at all? FWIW, IIRC, I was 32 and my vendor 42 at the time I acted on my "crush".

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Thanks for the additional input. Can you expand upon the above statement? As a younger man to your older woman, what specifically gives you the impression that this colors his impression of your potential? Are we talking you being 35 and him 25 or something like that and those dynamics? Or, is age a factor in your impression at all? FWIW, IIRC, I was 32 and my vendor 42 at the time I acted on my "crush".

 

 

I am 35, he is 28. I have lived all over the US. He grew up here and his closest friends are all people he has known his whole life. My friends are from all over the country and the world. I have travelled quite extensively and own my own home. He lives with roommates. Most of the girls he has dated are girls he has known for a long time, or girls who are friends with his friends. I would definitely be a bit different from other girls he has dated.

 

This is my impression and the impression of some others who know us both. I can't say I know for sure if he feels this way.

[carhill]

Does it sound reasonable that some of your interest is driven by such mysteries?

 

Since you've known him for awhile, can you share how he sees himself and where he wants to go in life? As a point of comparison, even though we mostly had "talked" at work, my vendor (she was the branch manager of a major material supplier) and I knew a lot about each other's lives and what we liked and disliked. Those similarities were part of what fueled my attraction.

So, do your observations/impressions of him agree with the information which apparently is coming to you? How and why? Perhaps a strong word, but how and why do you think you "intimidate" him, other than having more life experience and a wider scope of relationships? For myself, the lady's life experience (she had an adult daughter in college) and scope (well-traveled) were not intimidating at all, in fact quite the reverse. Her beauty was intimidating I don't get that this is an issue in your case, or am I wrong, for either of you?

 

Anyway, more stuff to think about, if you like over-analyzing asking someone out

[Trialbyfire]

Thanks carhill.

 

Cherry, this guy is your fantasy man. You don't have to fear intimacy with him because he's unattainable. He's everything you want because you know nothing about him so you've filled in the fine detail, the detail that can kill attraction.

[carhill]

That's what I was curious about, TBF; how much real information does she have about this man? How well does she really know him? She says she's known him for a year. That's a long time, seemingly, but, if their relationship is more superficial (primarily topical and flirty), perhaps my impression is in error.

 

I can say that I did this (I call it projecting but maybe that's a bad word) with my friend (the one in my journals) when I was young and it unhealthily put her up on a pedestal which there was no way she could live up to in real life. She was intimate (intellectually and emotionally) with me yet unavailable (married) and unattainable (in emotional pain and distant). Very intoxicating and toxic mix, for me at least. Such poisoned my dating life for many years. Not saying this is the OP's circumstance but perhaps she can draw from the psychology of the dynamic.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Thanks carhill.

 

Cherry, this guy is your fantasy man. You don't have to fear intimacy with him because he's unattainable. He's everything you want because you know nothing about him so you've filled in the fine detail, the detail that can kill attraction.

 

Yep, I definitely have been "filling in the blanks". Another thing I've noticed is that I like his personality better when he is not with his friends.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

That's what I was curious about, TBF; how much real information does she have about this man? How well does she really know him? She says she's known him for a year. That's a long time, seemingly, but, if their relationship is more superficial (primarily topical and flirty), perhaps my impression is in error.

 

I can say that I did this (I call it projecting but maybe that's a bad word) with my friend (the one in my journals) when I was young and it unhealthily put her up on a pedestal which there was no way she could live up to in real life. She was intimate (intellectually and emotionally) with me yet unavailable (married) and unattainable (in emotional pain and distant). Very intoxicating and toxic mix, for me at least. Such poisoned my dating life for many years. Not saying this is the OP's circumstance but perhaps she can draw from the psychology of the dynamic.

 

Yes, I can draw from that.

 

I've known him for a year but in a superficial way. Topical and flirty is an excellent way to describe it. I think a lot of it is that at this point there is so much tension. I just want to jump him badly. He is close, yet far. Seemingly attainable when flirting, then suddenly unattainable when he doesn't follow through.

 

I don't think intimidate is the right word. He is a confident young man. I'm not sure I know how to describe it. The girls he has gone out with in the past have ben younger and either in school or just beginning their careers. Yet he seems to be a little bit in awe of me and my friends.