Just don't know what else to do

[Disillusioned]

I'm a 41-yo man who seems like he has everything someone could ask for... a house near the beach, no debts, a steady job, etc etc. But without that one special person in my life to appreciate all of it, it just feels like it doesn't mean a thing anymore. Sometimes it has gotten so bad, I've wanted to swallow poison and end my life, and I've wondered whether love is just some sick lie that God has put into my head. I seriously wondered whether women are incapable of love. I'm not desperate for sex, but to be with someone who enjoys a lot of the things I enjoy, that would be worth more than anything.

 

If you can name it, I've tried it... friends, church, bars, online dating scams, etc etc, and all I ever got was lies. I think part of the problem is that people here in Los Angeles aren't interested in finding the right person to settle down and be happy with, they're just selfish people who are terrified of commitment and are only interested in building their own little personal empires and knocking each other down. You would really have to be here to understand the mindset.

 

I moved in with my mother to take care of her when she was dying of cancer... but nowadays I really believe I should have been the one to die. At least I wouldn't be lonely anymore.

[Isolde]

You need to see a therapist. We're not qualified to help you with the kinds of really dark thoughts you've been having.

[2sunny]

i live not far south of where you claim to be. i've lived here for almost 40 years, yep most of my life.

 

i don't have that mindset about the folks around here. quite the contrary. i am divorced - but i would never think that i HAD to have a man to make me feel happy. i am happy with me and my life.

 

i date a little bit now - but not much really.

 

i have made my life complete - if someone shares time and interests with me it's only a bonus.

 

maybe you have chosen the wrong folks to share time with.

[ed-205]

I have to agree with 2sunny. I've been *alone* for over 20 years, but I rarely feel lonely. I've done a fair bit of traveling, and I find that people are people no matter where you go. For the most part, they are friendly and caring if you approach the with the same attitude!

I'm sensing that the experience you must have gone through with your mother has left you with some long-term grief issues, and you might need to seek out some professional help to deal with that.

Please take a step in that direction, you have nothing to lose by doing so, and remember - You may have spent a lot of time caring for your mother, but *SHE* spent almost her entire life caring for you, and she didn't do it so you could be miserable. You owe it to her to live your life to the fullest, with or without someone else in your life.

[Disillusioned]

To add insult to injury, it made me feel bad that my mother wanted to be around to see me find the right woman to marry (though it did hurt her feelings when I told her I didn't want to be a daddy... I just don't think I was cut out to be daddy material). I feel like I let her down in that respect.

 

A few other guys have told me to try the sex hookup thing because it will make me feel better... but OTOH I believe people who say they've tried hookups, only to end up feeling more lonely than ever, so that idea goes out the window.

 

As for therapists... they help, don't get me wrong, but they generally don't become their patients' gf or bf and move in with them. I can handle the grief thing, but being alone constantly is enough to drive me up the wall.

 

No, unfortunately trying to find a gf/wife in Los Angeles is a weird feeling... it's almost like everyone who's looking, is honeycombed off from all the others who are looking... and all these matchmakers and dating services are saying "sure, it's OK to meet that one special person---if you do it through us and pay thousands of dollars." I'm not stupid, I know there has to be a better way. But bars and churches just aren't it.

 

I've given serious thought to starting a local singles group which could have restaurant parties, potlucks, etc etc... one of my friends says he wishes he was that brave, but I feel bravery has nothing to do with it. I'd be afraid that too many other singles in this area would be too cynical to join in if I put all that effort into it. I dunno, do you other folks think I should at least try it?

[ed-205]

To add insult to injury, it made me feel bad that my mother wanted to be around to see me find the right woman to marry (though it did hurt her feelings when I told her I didn't want to be a daddy... I just don't think I was cut out to be daddy material). I feel like I let her down in that respect.

 

I can relate somewhat. My mother passed away before meeting her grandkids or their mother, and my father was too ill (long term) to spend much time with them. (As for being Daddy material, don't sell yourself short!). You didn't let your mother down. In my opinion, ALL parents know their kids will face problems in their lives, and the only way you can fail your parents is to give up trying to deal with those problems.

 

A few other guys have told me to try the sex hookup thing because it will make me feel better... but OTOH I believe people who say they've tried hookups, only to end up feeling more lonely than ever, so that idea goes out the window.

 

I tend to feel the same way. Sex is like the Cotton Candy of life. Great whenever you can get it, but not very satisfying when it's all you have on your plate. You have to decide that for yourself.

 

As for therapists... they help, don't get me wrong, but they generally don't become their patients' gf or bf and move in with them. I can handle the grief thing, but being alone constantly is enough to drive me up the wall.

 

You don't *need* anyone to move in with you! Just someone to help you adjust your attitude a bit. What you're feeling is normal, as long as you don't trap yourself into thinking things won't get better, because they WILL - Please trust me on that. As cliche' as it sounds, if you learn to look for the bright side, you will find it.

 

No, unfortunately trying to find a gf/wife in Los Angeles is a weird feeling... it's almost like everyone who's looking, is honeycombed off from all the others who are looking... and all these matchmakers and dating services are saying "sure, it's OK to meet that one special person---if you do it through us and pay thousands of dollars." I'm not stupid, I know there has to be a better way. But bars and churches just aren't it.

 

Most large citys seem to promote that sort of behavior. Still, that doesn't mean there's no game, just that you have to learn how to hunt for it.

 

I've given serious thought to starting a local singles group which could have restaurant parties, potlucks, etc etc... one of my friends says he wishes he was that brave, but I feel bravery has nothing to do with it. I'd be afraid that too many other singles in this area would be too cynical to join in if I put all that effort into it. I dunno, do you other folks think I should at least try it?

 

That sounds like a GREAT idea to me! You might want to contact other singles groups via the internet to see how they got started, and I think the first step would be to find an interested female "business" partner to help you out with it. You have nothing to lose but your lonely nights if it works, and if it doesn't, ... well, who wants to hang-out with a bunch of cynics, anyway?!

Give it your best shot, and good luck!