Parents creating issues... :(

[Mylife]

Hey all, this is for everyone and the parents with kids who might be able to give some advice.

 

I am 19 living home with my parents and going to school, he is 23 but lives on residence at his school. My parents know about him, but his don't yet, he says he wants to finish school first...I am ok ok with that.

 

Well we have been together for about 5 months now and I have met him a total of 4 times...will be the 5th time this weekend!! Well the real point is that my parents have met about 2 times now and something happend the last time they met.

 

For some strange reason my parents noticed something weird in his walk...like he drags his left foot rather than lifting it. ( i have never noticed this) They claim that he does not use his left hand very much either, which once again I have never found and still don't. Well the last time he was here, they noticed that when he came home for dinner, and happend to call me after me and him left the house to spend time. They said it was something they noticed and want me to keep an eye out for. I stupidly lost it and started crying so he knew something was up and made me tell him. He assured me there was nothing wrong with him but felt really sad my parents felt that about him. It was important to him that they like him.

 

So he was leaving to go back home that day but was very hurt about what had happend and I was really upset too. I talked to my parents and told them that there was no such thing. He has reached national levels in golf and hockey and I was watched him play, he is really good. So I told my parents all that, and they said ok we believe you and its fine. I talked to him on the phone and told him what I told my parents and made things better there some how.

 

Now, I thought everyone had forgotten that and it was over. But now out of the blue my parents said that you are going to see him this weekend. (first time me going see him, he always came here so far) So, they said that you need to find out about his leg and why he walks weird. I said, how come you still think that? You know he plays sports and all. They were like yeah thats true, but just don't seem convinced.

 

I know this is really long, but I am confused on what to do. I don't get why my parents keep bringing it up and I dont get why they feel that about him. Its something that is not true, but I am really close to my parents and it important to me that they like the boy I am with. It just really really hurts to know that they are being so judgemental. I understand that they are parents and are critical about their child's significant other, but it just really really hurts when they say that. I really love this guy, and I know that there is nothing wrong with him. I don't know what to tell my parents now so they understand there is nothing wrong. And now he will hear my voice on the phone and know something is up and I can't even tell him because he is going to get so upset because even he thought that this issue was resolved.

 

What do I do?? I WANT TO CRY. (AGAIN)

[Rollercoasterr]

I really dont see why it would be such a big deal if something was wrong with his leg. The fact that they are saying things like that makes it seem like they are very shallow and can't look past physical appearances to what is underneath. I wouldn't worry a thing about it, just every time that they say something like that, brush it off like they are just being stupid(because they are), and remind yourself that there's nothing wrong with him, that he's an amazing guy and that they are more than likely just jealous because you've found someone you want to be with. You're legal, so it's not like they can do a thing to you anyways. Now I'm just a bit older than you, so I know what it's like to still be afraid of what your parents think, but seriously, it's not worth your time.

[Geishawhelk]

I hate to say it, but what would have happened if you'd married a perfectly able-bodied guy and then he'd suffered a disability?

On the face of it, your parents seem somewhat superficial, but it concerns me that you'd let something like this worry you to the point of tears....

Assure them that "even if he does seem to be limping, his mental faculties are all in working order, thank you and you'd be grateful if they'd just drop the subject - what is their problem, anyway?"

[quankanne]

tell your parents to grow the hell up. Or at least be a bit more sensitive. Sheesh. If your guy is active in sports, his body might show certain signs of stress when he's tired, like listing to one side when he walks – I start slurring my words when my blood sugars get below a certain point or I'm really, really tired, and it's nothing unusual, just your body's way of getting your attention so you can do what's needed to get it back on even keel, you know?

 

as for not using his left hand ... WHAT?!!! His right hand is his dominant hand, more than likely, and he's not going to be using his left hand as much as his right, period.

 

I think your folks are nit-picking because they can, and you need to call them on this. It's not being disrepectful on YOUR end, it's disrespect from THEIR end.

[Lucky_One]

Sounds like they don't like a guy who hides their daughter from his parents, and that they see other problems in the R, and so they are trying to get you to take a closer look at him in all aspects.

[Mylife]

I do agree that they are not looking into his personality and judging him from the outside. They say that they want to make sure that he is being truthful to me. They say its fine if he is like that, but I should be knowing if he is.

 

Guys, thing is my parents and I really close, so anything they say hurts me a lot and I take it to heart.

 

And Lucky, yes its true they don't like that he has not told his parents about me yet, in fact neither do I. But I love him too much to leave him because of it. I have told him how I feel, but he says he needs time, and I am willing to give it to him.

 

See I understand about him, I guess my parents don't, so they are picking on him about little things.

 

I wish they could just love him for whatever, whoever and however he is, because I am happy. (But I want them happy tooo!)

[Island Girl]

I have had a problem with my mom and my husband from the very beginning.

 

He is Pacific Islander and I am not.

 

She is 74. I have always tried to be close to her , I love her dearly, and we had many many emotional conversations about all of this.

 

I have to learn you can't change a brick into water.

 

Now I do not discuss him with her - or our plans, etc. - and I have pulled into myself. There are good and bad aspects but my life is with him. If she wants no part in that life then when he gets here so be it.

 

But this entire time we have been separated -- 6+ years now - she has made an issue of the fact that "she doesn't think it will work out and he is just going to hurt me".

 

I offered her a plane ticket to the wedding and she declined. The day I was supposed to leave to get married she said "he is just using you to come to America". --- ugh yeah he is staying with me - oh now 6 1/2 years without seeing each other - just to come to America instead of NZ or Australia, etc. Grrrrrrr.

 

So I understand how much it hurts. I hate the feeling like I am choosing one over another - but he is my husband and will NEVER be my mom.

 

Funny the only one asking for a choice or making statements about how our relationship will change in a negative way is her.

 

He'd never do that to me.

 

Family can be the worst.

 

You can't change them if they are going to behave that way and not even try to get to know him and try to see the reasons why you love him then you will have to quit talking to them about him and your life together.

 

You can't live their choices because that is living their lives. It is your life and you have to go after your own happiness whatever or whomever that is.

[Lucky_One]

And Lucky, yes its true they don't like that he has not told his parents about me yet, in fact neither do I. But I love him too much to leave him because of it. I have told him how I feel, but he says he needs time, and I am willing to give it to him.

 

See I understand about him, I guess my parents don't, so they are picking on him about little things.

 

Well the difference is that you love him so you can overlook, but they don't have an emotional investment so they can't.

 

Why does he say he needs more time? After all, he is a grown man of 23; what is the problem with telling his parents that he has a GF? Is there a racial difference, large income difference, cultural difference?

[Geishawhelk]

Yes, Mylife, I was wondering the same thing. What is the big issue with him not telling his parents?

After all, he's a grown man, and can make his own decisions.

 

This aspect smells a bit off......

[Mylife]

Thanks for the grownup advice island girl. It really did feel good know I am not alone. But I am sorry that your's went to such great extents.

 

Lucky and Geisha, thing is we are both the exact same culture and all. But the problem is that it is not common in my culture to have a BF/GF, and parents don't encourage it. My parents are one of the most liberal parents from my culture. People are literally shocked to hear about my parents agreeing to me having a boyfriend and even going to meet him.

 

So for his parents, education is really really important and they think that having a gf will hinder his school work. So he wants to wait untill he is done school to tell them because he does not want to get them mad.

 

I know it is alittle strange to understand but I do understand it culturally. It doesn't make me happy, but I don't want to force him either, I have talked to him about it, but he says he will tell them after school is done. Its fine I know I can wait...its up to him to tell them.

[Lucky_One]

Makes more sense now on all sorts of aspects.

 

Some cultures put a higher prestige on a man's ability to provide for a wife and mother, and your parents may be concerned that a physical disability might be a detriment to you for your future.

 

Also, they could be afraid that your BF is just using you for his own needs for now, and will dump you when he graduates and gets a job.

[Geishawhelk]

MyLife, I know at times it's difficult, because it might mean 'crossing the line' in giving too much personal info away, but bear in mind that people are going to give far more concrete and 'precise' answers, if we have better information to begin with.

 

It's not a criticism, it's to help you here, and for something to bear in mind.... Unless we have a better picture, filling in the gaps is going to be a bit hit-and-miss.....

You see, I think, as far as I can tell, everyone was appraising it from a Western/European/American point of view. Even if you live in one of these places, the fact that culturally, things are very different for you with regard to the standard Western ideology, has made a difference to the way we now see things..... do you see....?

 

I hope the best solution and resolution presents itself soon, and that this issue will become completely unimportant.

 

I wish both your family, and your boyfriend well.

[crimsonrose]

Hey all, this is for everyone and the parents with kids who might be able to give some advice.

 

I am 19 living home with my parents and going to school, he is 23 but lives on residence at his school. My parents know about him, but his don't yet, he says he wants to finish school first...I am ok ok with that.

 

Well we have been together for about 5 months now and I have met him a total of 4 times...will be the 5th time this weekend!! Well the real point is that my parents have met about 2 times now and something happend the last time they met.

 

For some strange reason my parents noticed something weird in his walk...like he drags his left foot rather than lifting it. ( i have never noticed this) They claim that he does not use his left hand very much either, which once again I have never found and still don't. Well the last time he was here, they noticed that when he came home for dinner, and happend to call me after me and him left the house to spend time. They said it was something they noticed and want me to keep an eye out for. I stupidly lost it and started crying so he knew something was up and made me tell him. He assured me there was nothing wrong with him but felt really sad my parents felt that about him. It was important to him that they like him.

 

So he was leaving to go back home that day but was very hurt about what had happend and I was really upset too. I talked to my parents and told them that there was no such thing. He has reached national levels in golf and hockey and I was watched him play, he is really good. So I told my parents all that, and they said ok we believe you and its fine. I talked to him on the phone and told him what I told my parents and made things better there some how.

 

Now, I thought everyone had forgotten that and it was over. But now out of the blue my parents said that you are going to see him this weekend. (first time me going see him, he always came here so far) So, they said that you need to find out about his leg and why he walks weird. I said, how come you still think that? You know he plays sports and all. They were like yeah thats true, but just don't seem convinced.

 

I know this is really long, but I am confused on what to do. I don't get why my parents keep bringing it up and I dont get why they feel that about him. Its something that is not true, but I am really close to my parents and it important to me that they like the boy I am with. It just really really hurts to know that they are being so judgemental. I understand that they are parents and are critical about their child's significant other, but it just really really hurts when they say that. I really love this guy, and I know that there is nothing wrong with him. I don't know what to tell my parents now so they understand there is nothing wrong. And now he will hear my voice on the phone and know something is up and I can't even tell him because he is going to get so upset because even he thought that this issue was resolved.

 

What do I do?? I WANT TO CRY. (AGAIN)

 

When my fiance's mother saw me on webcam, right away she went "dont you marry her. she's got a wrinkly forhead". which I do, when I'm really upset and I'm thinking too hard. Otherwise my forehead's smoothe, thanks. lol. Anywho, I think it's jsut a nervous parent thing. When you and your boyfriend marry, you'll be moving out from under their care. It's scary for them. Just ignore it. When they say check on his leg, just respectfully say whatever and go about your day. I know it's upsetting when parents point out flaws in your lover, especially when they're not even there, but its normal and nothing to worry about.