Broken and Tired

[Steven]

Hey everybody, I am looking for some advice, insight, or anything to make me feel better.

 

I will start off by saying I am an attractive 23 year old man, collge grad, trying to find a good job. I have been intimate with 2 girls, they were girlfriends at the time. And I have been in one relationship where I was totally in love.

 

Basically, I met the girl of my dreams last year, she was my physical and personality dream. We got along great, we could spend the whole day looking into each others eyes. But...

 

She dumped me later, the I love you but I am not in love with you stuff, then months later, i contact her, wanting her to give me another chance, and she isnt even the same person I met, and this was only 2 months later. I was totally ready to do anything to be with her, yet she pointed out all my little imperfections.

 

Well I have tried to move on, and I have followed everyones advice. I have been more outgoing, asking women out I meet at restaurants and places. talking to women on the net. Well one girl i dated went right back to an underage boyfriend, and another girl brought along a 50 year old friend without even asking me! I have had girls lie to me since, about where they go to school and other things.

 

I am a good guy, I am not perfect, I havent had much of a family growing up, and depression has been a prob, I am on medication for that. But other than that, I am as nice as I can be to them. My dad says you always have to hold some back and not fully trust women, but that just isnt how I am. Its like women just dont want any decent men out there, like they are always looking for something better.

 

I just dont understand it, an older friend told me to just stop looking for a while, and maybe I will run into someone and fall in love. well I have tried that too, and I am still lonely. My friends are good company, but they can only do so much. they are all married/dating and I am the only one who isnt attached. i feel like the 3rd wheel a lot.

 

I dont know what to do anymore, and I am hoping that someone out there could give me some advice, its probably just stuff I have heard before, but any help would be appreciated.

[Nicky]

Hey everybody, I am looking for some advice, insight, or anything to make me feel better. I will start off by saying I am an attractive 23 year old man, collge grad, trying to find a good job. I have been intimate with 2 girls, they were girlfriends at the time. And I have been in one relationship where I was totally in love.

 

Basically, I met the girl of my dreams last year, she was my physical and personality dream. We got along great, we could spend the whole day looking into each others eyes. But... She dumped me later, the I love you but I am not in love with you stuff, then months later, i contact her, wanting her to give me another chance, and she isnt even the same person I met, and this was only 2 months later. I was totally ready to do anything to be with her, yet she pointed out all my little imperfections. Well I have tried to move on, and I have followed everyones advice. I have been more outgoing, asking women out I meet at restaurants and places. talking to women on the net. Well one girl i dated went right back to an underage boyfriend, and another girl brought along a 50 year old friend without even asking me! I have had girls lie to me since, about where they go to school and other things. I am a good guy, I am not perfect, I havent had much of a family growing up, and depression has been a prob, I am on medication for that. But other than that, I am as nice as I can be to them. My dad says you always have to hold some back and not fully trust women, but that just isnt how I am. Its like women just dont want any decent men out there, like they are always looking for something better. I just dont understand it, an older friend told me to just stop looking for a while, and maybe I will run into someone and fall in love. well I have tried that too, and I am still lonely. My friends are good company, but they can only do so much. they are all married/dating and I am the only one who isnt attached. i feel like the 3rd wheel a lot. I dont know what to do anymore, and I am hoping that someone out there could give me some advice, its probably just stuff I have heard before, but any help would be appreciated.

BOY could I tell you stories about the strange people I have met on "dates"!!! I used to have NO IDEA there were such bizarre people around!! Like the guy who said NOTHING for two hours, the guy who after two dates thought he'd found the mother of the five children he wanted(!!!!).

 

I could go on, but I don't suppose you have two weeks to spare!

 

I don't want to disappoint you, but I don't think you have a problem- WELCOME TO LIFE!!!!!!

 

People seem great, you seem to click- and then they do a complete reverse. People lie. People show some very strange habits. You're a decent guy, and not everybody appreciates that or is looking for it. Some people can be trusted, some can't.

 

I could go on. We all get sucked in by the media ideal, that everybody out there is having just a great time, and everything's pretty much perfect, and nobody is ever single for very long, except YOU! Well, life just isn't like that.

 

I'm a great believer in destiny. Whenever I met a great guy, and we ended up having a relationship, it's when I wasn't looking. Some people never seem to be single. Why? Maybe it's because they are very needy people, have low self-esteem, and have to be in a relationship. ANY relationship!! I'm glad to say, that you don't sound like that, which is extremely healthy.

 

People fall in love with you for the person you are. They won't see the person you are if you are trying too hard. I think you should just go out (as you have been), but simply to socialize. Stop trying to look for this girl, as if there's some kind of deadline. Enjoy life as it happens, and go with the flow. Trust me, you will meet women and have relationships. I think most people have very long periods between relationships, sometimes years. It's not uncommon, and it's perfectly normal.

 

PS ignore your father: if you don't trust anyone, you won't have any good relationships: it's give and take. If you don't trust somebody, don't expect them to trust you, just be careful who you trust).

 

all the best

[Farrah]

It really sucks to be lonely, but as they say, patience is a virtue. The more you meet a lot of people, the more you learn what you want, and the more you value what you are. Sometimes it comes to a point you ask yourself, "is there something wrong with me?" but it's natural, it's just a phase.

 

Don't go out looking for a girl coz this'll come off easily (we can sense it), scary and pathetic. So go out to enjoy life and enjoy the people you meet. When you get in and out of a relationship, it's all trial-and-error, preparing you for the Big One, who'll come when you least expect it, at the least likely places.

 

Hang on there. As with anything in the world, Julia Roberts said in My Best Friend's Wedding...

 

"This, too, shall pass"

[Steven]

Thanks for writing.

 

I just wanted to add some things my one friend has been telling me,

 

He is dating a rich girl who is spoiled, doesnt drive, smokes, drinks, and occasionally does drugs. And to top that off, she isnt that attractive. Well..

 

He has told me that I am crazy for not dating women that smoke. I cannot stand smokers!! The smell makes me sick. He says "well what if they dont smoke around you?' well I havent seen someone yet that kept that promise.

 

He says I am being too picky, cause i want someone that doesnt smoke, doesnt drink a lot, and drives. He says that he will put up with a lot with women, well I wont. i know what I want. He really seems to hate his girlfriend, but he is afraid to be lonely if he leaves her.

 

I have told him how I feel, but he doesnt agree. I am very aware of what kind of woman I want. But sometimes it seems like finding her is a futile thing. I know I will never find the "perfect" ideal woman, but I have things that I wont put up with. I hope this doesnt mean I will never find someone

[Nicky]

Thanks for writing. I just wanted to add some things my one friend has been telling me, He is dating a rich girl who is spoiled, doesnt drive, smokes, drinks, and occasionally does drugs. And to top that off, she isnt that attractive. Well.. He has told me that I am crazy for not dating women that smoke. I cannot stand smokers!! The smell makes me sick. He says "well what if they dont smoke around you?' well I havent seen someone yet that kept that promise. He says I am being too picky, cause i want someone that doesnt smoke, doesnt drink a lot, and drives. He says that he will put up with a lot with women, well I wont. i know what I want. He really seems to hate his girlfriend, but he is afraid to be lonely if he leaves her. I have told him how I feel, but he doesnt agree. I am very aware of what kind of woman I want. But sometimes it seems like finding her is a futile thing. I know I will never find the "perfect" ideal woman, but I have things that I wont put up with. I hope this doesnt mean I will never find someone

Hi Steven,

 

you sound PERFECTLY normal to me. We all have a "list" of things we don't want in partners. If you don't want a smoker, you don't want a smoker. It doesn't sound unreasonable. So long as the list doesn't have 300 items on it, then that's OK.

 

And don't give up! It's not futile! It just doesn't happen overnight. All the best.

[Shirley]

Thanks for writing. I just wanted to add some things my one friend has been telling me, He is dating a rich girl who is spoiled, doesnt drive, smokes, drinks, and occasionally does drugs. And to top that off, she isnt that attractive. Well.. He has told me that I am crazy for not dating women that smoke. I cannot stand smokers!! The smell makes me sick. He says "well what if they dont smoke around you?' well I havent seen someone yet that kept that promise. He says I am being too picky, cause i want someone that doesnt smoke, doesnt drink a lot, and drives. He says that he will put up with a lot with women, well I wont. i know what I want. He really seems to hate his girlfriend, but he is afraid to be lonely if he leaves her. I have told him how I feel, but he doesnt agree. I am very aware of what kind of woman I want. But sometimes it seems like finding her is a futile thing. I know I will never find the "perfect" ideal woman, but I have things that I wont put up with. I hope this doesnt mean I will never find someone

 

Hi!

 

It's fine to go ahead and make a list of prerequisites you want in a woman. Or a list of things you won't tolerate. But also know that those things won't matter in the least if you fall in love. So don't let those things stop you from meeting people and getting to know them. And don't say that you'll never meet the "perfect" woman. Because when you fall in love with someone, they will be "perfect" in your eyes.