Can we make this work?!?!?!

[SunGrl]

I am having a hard time even deciding where to start... I am 29 years old and have never been married, and have no kids. All I have ever wanted in life is to get married and have a family. About 2 years ago, I met and fell in love with a man 7 years older than me who has been married (has been divorced for 10 years) and has a 13 year old daughter. I have never been with a man whom I have so much in common with, enjoy his company so much, have so much fun with, and have such passion and romance with. He is my best friend. During the time since I have been with this man, we have had a few problems. We split up last December and spent 4 or 5 months apart and dated other people (neither of us seriously). A lot of our problems in the past were around communication, fears, and general relationship baggage we both

had. Spending time apart allowed us both to work through a lot of these issues, and since reuniting a few months ago, things have been wonderful and much improved. We have both realized how much we love each other and that we want to spend our lives together. We have talked seriously about marriage and having children of our own and share the same vision of life together. I love my boyfriend very much and would love to spend my life with him. I am having trouble figuring out if I am doing the right thing though; I am following my heart rather than my head here and that's new for me. My friends and family seem to want me to move on and find someone with less baggage, etc... but as I said I love this man and want to be with him. Can we make this work?!?!

 

My first concern is that my boyfriend has money problems. He works for himself and always seems to have problems managing his money. His income is not consistent from month to month, but he does usually make a decent amount of money. He has bad credit, and real problems with cash flow. I have a successful career, make very good money, have excellent credit, and I have always been very good with money.

 

The second issue is that because my boyfriend works for himself, he works A LOT. There is very little time where he doesn't have to do some form of work. He also prefers to work nights, and often stays up until dawn and sleeps until 1 in the afternoon. I work a regular 9-5 job in an office.

 

The third concern is that not only has my guy got a 13 year old daughter whom he has 2 days out of every week, but the woman whom he dated while we were apart is expecting his baby in 2 months!!! It was an accidental pregnancy, there is nothing that can be done about it now, but my boyfriend intends to do the right thing and support this child and be it's father. He does not love this woman and says it does not change how he feels about me, or the plans we have made for life together. They have not worked out any details yet, but he imagines he would spend as much time with this new child as he does with his daughter now, or at least almost as much time.

 

I love this man and want this life we had been talking about together, but these things concern me - especially this woman and this baby. The news was very upsetting to me (as well as him) and I don't know how to deal with it. This is not the way I envisioned my life to be, and I am afraid. I feel jealous about this baby, and worried that while he says he still wants a family with me, he will be unable to handle all of it emotionally... not to mention the financial obligations of two children. My guy keeps telling me that he feels we can make anything work, he would even be willing to go to counseling....but I am afraid of making a bad decision I will later regret, simply because I love this man so very much. Thoughts???

[STALLION21]

I am young but I do have something to say. First of , if you both are willing to go to counseling that is an excellect sign that there is potential for a great relationship.

Secondly as far as the money situation goes, talk to him and tell him what you just told us and you manage all the money. I do in my relationship , it's less headache when one person manages bill, savings etc.

Now the baby thing is something to really talk about b/c most situations that I have seen where a child that is that young is involved, the mom and dad, tiptoe in each other's bed every now and then.

This may not be the case here, but it's just something I have picked up on.

[Pamela]

SunGrl.....

Are you out of your mind! If you marry this guy, both of you will have a ton of baggage to carry. First of all, he is having money issues....and how is he supposed to take care of a new baby if he can't take care of himself. Are you willing to cope with all of these problems for the rest of your lives. I have been married for 16 years and trust me girl, it ain't easy. I wish you the best and do me a favor....stop being a fool for love.

Peace.

[Arabess]

I was thinking he sounded like a pretty nice guy, even the finances wouldn't have to be a major issue, till I read the part about the new baby.

 

Didn't he use any protection? If not.....well, you know what to check out.

 

All relationships come with baggage. Some you can live with....some you can't. The new baby will probably be quite a suitcase in itself......NO....make that a HUGE traveling trunk! You've got a pregnant woman who is going to need and demand emotional and financial support....and a baby which you will also be responsible for when he is 'working'.

 

IF, you love him enough to work thru this and have considered all the future stumbling blocks, then with some work....I think you might be able to work this out. He isnt' a monter....he just screwed up. (No pun intended) Many women put up with far more!!!

 

Given your age....I think you are wise enough and mature enough to know if you want to continue in this relationship.

[toots307]

I recommend reading "are you the one for me" by barbara DeAngelis and hopefully it will help you realize you need to get out of that situation.

 

Warm wishes.

[theonet]

He's 36 and irresponsible with his body and his money?! Does he do drugs?

 

Run like he!!

 

You are worth more than that.

 

I fear you will end up alone, broke, pregnant and diseased.

 

Set your sights way higher.

 

He won't change. I'm a guy in his 40s , and after 30, I still have many of the same flaws I had then.

 

My 2 cents

 

Peace to you,

 

Ty

[julieg]

picture yourself with this guy 10 years from now: 2 children of your own ages 8 and 5 Plus his 11 year old and 23 year old. that will be a lot of responsibility for you to have while holding down a job and running a household. are you willing to risk a financially unstable life full of turmoil and uncertainty with this guy. you are only 29 ---Don't settle!!! he is not worth it!!!!!!